Retarded Review
by Teshik
Summary: I'm reviewing Charmed episodes out of Season 8 by jumping into the story myself and pointing out plot holes and other stupidities. Needless to say, the characters aren't pleased.
1. 8:1 and 8:2 The Beginning

To complete this review, I incorporated the two posts I made on Television Without Pity Forums and which kinda sparked the whole reviewing thing. 8-3 is now in Chapter 2.

**8-1 Still a Sucker and Watching**

Okay, my thoughts :

1. _Victor_! Glad you're here. I hope you stay at least until next week.  
2. _Grams_! Always a pleasant surprise to see you! Lo...tolerate the new hairstyle. Thanks for being the WASPy voice of reason again.  
3. _Rose_! You took acting lessons over the summer! You really made something out of your material this ep. Keep up the good work!  
4. _Stoopid Majikal Kreaturez_ ! Glad you couldn't make it this premiere. Well, if you don't count the leprechauns as people. And neither Paige nor I do.  
5. _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_! I'm so happy you're back! Uh...wait a sec. Ah. I was already wondering where the episode would start to suck. First of all, Fuck you Kern. You didn't even try to hide where you got that character from. I mean, Billie. Buffy. Come on. By the way, I'm nicknaming her The Bifi Roll because of these ridiculous backflips. And because I'm hungry right now.  
6. Okay Bifi. I don't hate you. The thing is, your introduction is ...well...shitty. I mean, you're a new witch and don't know anything, right? then WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU LEARN TO BATTLE DEMONS? You've got some 'splaining to do next episode, young lady.  
7. Marriage Premonition? The Cheese, it is oozing through my monitor.  
8. I do like the fact Bifi's power seems to be regular TK, and it seems they did take the same sound effect, which is good.  
9. It's very peculiar : The moment Paige orbs into the cinema, she actually has _to squint_ because it's dark inside and she can't make out the demon at first. Miss Bifi Roll however wears fucking _sunglasses_ and runs into that cinema without her needing a seeing eye dog? Is she Daredevil's dastardly daughter or what?  
10. Continuity Error(?) : The glamoured Phoebe at the funeral and in the elevator/office are different actresses. So for the outside people, it's two different persons. That means Phoebe's new slampiece seems to be a mighty manslut, because he gets horny first at Phoebe, then at two of her cousins. I guess he was left out between two desk sex shifts and really _really_ needs to fuck a Halliwell right now. Ick. Also, Elise seems to butter everyone up with Phoebe praise if they identify themselves as family.  
11. Phoebe is the office slut already. Now Elise can bring back the tale she seems to have slept with a dozen midgets, too. Classy. Heh.

**8-2 Dex and the Shitty**

-adopts TV announcer voice-

**Teshik:** This is Teshik reporting for you live from the aftermath of the latest _Charmed_ episode, Dex and the Shitty. Folks, I'm standing here right in the ruins of the dreaded Magic School, and I am currently urinating on its ashes. _(zip)_ Ah. That felt good. So, after losing about four litres of apple juice on this one redeeming part of this episode, we'll jump right into tonights interviews: Next to me are standing Dex Lawson and Louis Bennett, one cousin's husband or whatever of the recently deceased Charmed Ones. Louis, don't you...  
**Louis:** It's "Lou-ee". You know, like in Louis Armstrong?  
**Teshik:**_(narrows eyes)_ Okay. Lou-iss, don't you feel like a giant dolt for locking yourself out of the house?  
**Louis:** Well we usually don't lock the house, so I was surprised to see the established canon changed again at such short notice...  
**Teshik:** But couldn't you just tell your son - sorry, I mean your nephew - to orb himself into the house and open the door? I mean, he _is_ one of the powerfullest magickal beingz eva?  
**Louis:** Yeah, but we don't tell him what to do.  
**Teshik:** Why? _(bows down towards Wyatt)_ Hey there, little fella! You sure are able to open doors now at the age of almost two, aren't you?  
**Wyatt:**STARES  
**Teshik:** Gah!_(to Louis)_ This tingling sensation at the back of my head and the feeling of total and utter panic, is this normal?  
**Louis:** Oh yeah. He didn't kill you. That means he likes you.  
**Wyatt:**STARES  
**Teshik:** Uh huh. So, I notice the absence of your other son - nephew. Are the rumors true that you feed the poor child with pure chloroform and and lock him in your closet?  
**Louis:** We ...don't want to talk about him. He embarrasses us. Plus, we have issues with his husband.  
**Teshik:** I so do not want to ask. So I'll just ignore you and meet up with Dex Lawson, Julie's newest slampiece in a looooong run of boring desk sex slampieces. So Dex, don't you have anything better to do than riding an elevator for the better part of the day?  
**Dex:** I am an artist. You seen my sculpture of a giant Shoe?  
**Teshik:** I guess that means no. But how the fuck did you manage to land a job for the obvious nutcase you met at Phoebe's funeral?  
**Dex:** Let's just say you meet very interesting people doing very interesting things in elevators. And Elevator-Slut Elise had to return a favor to me for not compromising her image, so I pressed her into hiring that bimbo I'm currently falling for. I mean, there's no way she would have been hired _without_ blackmail.  
**Teshik:** I suspected as much. Well, we now go on over to Bifi, Teenage Witch in Training, who will tell us about her college and the amazing incorporation of crystals and computers. Bifi, is it true you failed Meta-Physics not because you're dumb as bread, but because you needed to apply lip gloss for about half an hour?  
**Bifi:** Hi! I'm Bifi! I just recently learned I have powers but I already have full control over them!  
**Teshik:** O...kay. Perhaps you care to mention how you accomplished to hook up a scrying crystal to a computer, since that seems to take very delicate spells and potions?  
**Bifi:** Hi! I'm Bifi! Watch me doing those ridiculous backflips that help exactly nothing. I am the Bifi Roll!  
**Teshik:**_(smile vanishes)_ Answer the question, dimwit, or I will hurt you.  
**Bifi:** Hi! I'm Bifi! Look at my cheap outfit which is so not suitable for demon hunting!  
**Teshik:**_(hits her in the face with his microphone, hard)_ This is a last, friendly, warning.  
**Bifi:** Hi! I'm Bifi! I tashte blood in my moush becaush Teshik jusht hit me!  
**Teshik:** Roll the commercials. Now.

---

_cut to Teshik at the Paramount backlot, standing next to McGowan, Combs, and Milano_  
**Teshik:** Hi there! As you can probably guess by the bloodstains on my outfit and the shovel in my hand, Bifi won't be around anymore. That is, if she doesn't resurrect everyday as Phoebe does. I am now standing next to the beautiful main actresses of Charmed, and I'm asking you, Ms. McGowan : Many of your viewers state your acting is the worst performance ever existed, while some of them - including myself - claim your acting actually improved since last season. What do you think?  
**Rose:** Well I _(knits her brows)_ **think** what really _(twists her head)_ improved **are** the _(purses her lips)_ storylines **for** Paige, and thus I'm _(shrugs)_ much more motivated **than** _(twitches)_ before.  
**Teshik:** Ah. _(to Alyssa)_ She takes meds now before you start shooting, yes?  
**Alyssa:** _(to Teshik)_ Uh huh. We slip it into her Pepsi each morning.  
**Teshik:** So, Alyssa, I heard the internal monologues are a shameless ripoff of a series that ended over a year ago. Whose idea was it? Yours?  
**Alyssa:** Well Teshik, I think it is a sign to that show, but it also signifies a sign towards our own signs, like slampieces and atrocious stuntcasting. Also, I am chafed, but idealism becomes a slave.  
**Teshik:** _(raises eyebrow)_ Uhhh...  
**Holly:** Don't bother. She just entered her own world now.  
**Teshik:** Okay. Holly, what do you think about Piper's bitching about her normal life even though she had a normal life this episode? Isn't this a completely stoopid subplot?  
**Holly:** Where are you posting this?  
**Teshik:** TWoP. Why?  
**Holly:** Do minors visit these board?  
**Teshik:** Occasionally, yes.  
**Holly:** In that case, I won't comment.  
**Teshik:** This is Teshik reporting live from the Paramount backlot after the shittiest episode of _Charmed_ this side of season 5. Back to you, Annie.


	2. 8:3 Run Viewer Run

I warned you. Don't encourage me too much.

Originally this was meant as a little review on the ep. But it turned out I went a little overboard. Okay. Way, waay overboard. Think of this as the episode how it had been if I had been involved. Have fun.

**Episode : 8-3 - Run, Viewer, Run**

**---**

**Teshik:** Hey folks. We're back in the Moron Manor and currently I'm standing in the non-existing attic with Bifi, Moron in training. Moron, I mean Bifi, how is your training going so far?

**Bifi: **Hi Teshik! It's me, Bifi, the bestest Witch eva! It's going fabulous! Except for the part where we don't go out hunting demons and get killed by them. Oh, and it takes a little while to get used to Paige...

**Teshik: **Err, you mean Josephine, right?

**Bifi: **No, silly, I mean Paige of the Charmed Ones.

**Teshik: **Bifi? Secret Identity and all? You know, the thing we agreed not to talk about?

**Bifi: **Oh, come on. Three chicks claiming to be Cousins suddenly turn up, move into the manor...and besides, it's not like Phoebe ever tries to remember it.

**Teshik: **Point taken. _(blinks)_ Wait, what? Did you just say something intelligent?

**Bifi: **Why yes! After all, I'm Bifi, the size of my brain even surpasses the FunBags!

_Teshik lifts a few of Bifi's hairstrands and looks into her ear_

**Teshik: **Well, what do you know. You actually _can't_ see the other side. There may be hope yet for this trainwreck of a show.

**Bifi: **Does that mean you won't hit me with this baseball bat you are holding in your other hand?

**Teshik: **Don't count on it.

**Bifi: **Hey! I know! Let's read things out of the Book'o'Shadows!

**Teshik: **No Bifi. Please...

**Bifi: "**How to create an explosion"...

**Teshik: **Whatever. (_dives_ _behind Aunt Pearls Sofa)_

**Bifi: **

"Rosemary, Thyme, Sage and Wine,

we...oh, fuck it, I'm past my seventh Martini."

-BOOM-

**Teshik: **Hey, that was cool...oh, dammit. You're still alive.

**Bifi: **Well, I'm Bifi, I survive everything!

**Paige: **_(offscreen)_ What **the** fuck is go**ing** on **in** there

_(enters the room, flapping her arms)_

cough **Oh** my, so **much** smoke flap flap flap flapflapflap -WHIRRRRRRRRRRR- AAAAAHH! -CRASH-

**Bifi: **Help me out here, I'm new at this. Is this normal?

**Teshik:** The part where she flapped her arms around so much she lifted herself off the floor like a helicopter and crashed through the ceiling? Definitely not normal.

**Bifi: **Ah.

**Paige:** AH**H**H! **HE**LP MEEE**EEE!**

**Bifi:** You know, we should do something.

**Teshik:** Why? She can orb, if she actually remembers it.

**Bifi:** No, the ceiling. What if it rains?

**Teshik:** _(looking out of the front window)_ Wow. She just flow right into Mrs. Jenkins rose bushes. Boy, she's going to be pissed when she finds out.

**Mrs Jenkins:** Arrrrgggghhhh!

**Teshik**: …I think she was in the garden when Paige flew through. A Mohawk really doesn't suit a 75 year old, don't you think? ... Bifi?

**Bifi**: _(flipping through the Book of Shadows)_ Ah! There it is!

**Teshik**: _(eying her suspiciously)_ There is what?

**Bifi**: With my awesome blondness I remembered the "Object of Objection" spell Paige told me about.

**Teshik**: The Object of …oh fuck. No, no, no! Bad Bifi, Bad Bifi! Out!

**Bifi**:

"Let the Object of Objection

become but a dream

as I cause the seen

to be unseen."

-POOF-

**Teshik**: _(asserting his body parts are still there)_ Hair, Eyes, Ass…oh, thank god. My testicles are still there this time.

**Bifi**: What?

**Teshik**: Nevermind. Well, I gotta admit, you got the roof fixed. And even Mrs Jenkins hair…

**Bifi**: See? Told you I am bestest!

**Teshik**: …There's just the slight side effect of Paige being obliterated …-WHIRRRRRRRRR- _(distinct sounds of a hedgerow in pain) _Oh. Scratch that, she's only invisible now. Damn, and her hair did look so wonderful this week.

**Paige**: Hey! I fin**ally** figu**red** out **how** to steer! **Watch** out, **I'm** coming back **in** now…HEY! **There's** no hole! **Oh** no! I can't **stop**!

**Teshik**: Ten Bucks she doesn't think of orbing.

**Bifi**: Sure!

_(Paige crashes into the roof, creating a relief of her in the ceiling)_

**Teshik**: Payable tomorrow. I'm almost out of fuel.

**Bifi**: Oh no! Poor Paige! Are you all right?

**Paige**: _(muffled)_ I cam't **feew **my wips. **Hewp** me!

**Bifi**: Oh Teshik! What are we going to do now?

**Teshik**: Cut out the ceiling part and sell it as art?

**Paige**: _(still muffled)_ berry **fummy**, ashhowe.

**Teshik**: Hey, Dex sells giant red hooker pumps as art. So why not? sighs All right. But only because I already wasted two pages on one shitty scene.

"Let the Object of Objection return

so that its existence may be reaffirmed."

_(The roof crashes in, Paige, visible again, lands in the attic)_

**Paige**: Ow. I'**ve** splin**ters** eve**ry**where!

**Teshik**: You think you're in pain? I've watched the original episode. This? Much funnier.

**Paige **: I'll show **you** what I **think** it's fun**ny**…

**Teshik**: Erm…(_backs away from her)_ Could we talk about that?

**Paige**: _(holds out her hand)_ Teshik!

_(Teshik vanishes in an orb cloud)_

**Bifi:** Wow! That was, like, sooo awesome!

**Paige**: Can **it**. And **get** me some twee**zers**.

----

_(Phoebe's Julie's office at the Bay Mirror)_

**Phoebe**: _(applying lip gloss – much of it)_ Work, work, workity-work, always busy…

_(Teshik appears in an orb cloud)_

**Teshik**: Phoebe?

**Phoebe**: Teshik?

**Both**: Fuck.

**Phoebe**: I thought you'd ignore my desk-sexcapades from now on? So why you're here?

**Teshik**: Made fun of Paige.

**Phoebe**: Ah. Didn't take her pills again, did she?

**Teshik**: Let's just say Mrs Jenkins never wore that progressive hairstyle before.

**Phoebe**: Huh? Whatever. Back to topic, back to me. How do I look?

**Teshik**: Both cooter tat and FunBags are – thankfully – covered. Why, you look almost tasteful.

**Phoebe**: Don't worry, it's temporary. Dex is coming over for a visit.

**Non-Mary-Cherry assistant**: _(over loudspeaker)_ : Julie?

**Phoebe**: Julie? No, I'm Phoebe…I mean, Julie. Right. What is it?

**Non-Mary-Cherry assistant**: Dex Lawson here to see you.

**Phoebe**: Future Husband, Future Husband!

**Teshik**: Stupid Cow, Stupid Cow!

**Non-Mary-Cherry assistant**: Speaker still on, Speaker still on! -sighs- Idiot.

**Teshik**: Hey, she hates you. I like her. See ya, I've seen this scene before in Season seven I think. And in Season six. And five.

_(Teshik leaves, Dex enters.)_

**Dex**: Flirt.

**Phoebe**: Flirt back.

**Dex**: I'll ask you about work.

**Phoebe**: I will put my foot in my mouth, because my peanut brain doesn't remember I'm Julie now.

_(Puts foot in mouth)_

**Dex**: I look innocently befuddled, because you're obviously drunk. Or loony. But still hot.

**Phoebe**: I will shove my pumps further into my oesophagus now, since I additionally forget everytime Phoebe died two weeks ago.

_(shoves foot further in)_

**Dex**: _(watches her)_ Should we go back to flirting?

**Phoebe**: Yeah. Swallow time later, talk time now _(pats him on the shoulder, receives premonition)_ Dammit.

**Dex**: What?

**Phoebe**: This could be very bad for my sex life. With you dying and all.

**Dex**: WHAT?

**Phoebe**: Nothing. See ya on the art show.

---

_(Manor. Teshik enters the front door.)_

**Teshik**: Hey, Dolt. How's Chris?

**Leo**: He…just went sleeping. Yeah, that's it. - How did you get in our house?

**Teshik**: Last week was the only time you locked it. Who are these people?

**Leo**: Play date. My precious firstborn son has to practice his people skills.

**Teshik**: _(looks over his shoulder into the solarium)_ Your precious firstborn son just summoned Excalibur and tries to spork one of his little friends.

**Leo**: Oh! Wyatt! Look! Ice Cream! Ice Cream is tastier than beating hearts…

_(Teshik wanders over to one of the mothers, while Wyatt gets pacified with ice cream)_

**Teshik**: So. What up?

**Nameless Mother**: We just verified Louis has no job, no life, and no testicles. Nevertheless, Eve over there wants to dry-hump him.

**Teshik**: Even though his glamoured form has poodle hair?

**Nameless Mother**: Yup. Well, she's a nymph. But her husband normally prevents her from doing something stupid.

**Teshik**: I smell a pointless subplot coming.

**Pointless Subplot**: Mommy, Mommy! _(runs up to Eve, falls and throws his ice cream on Leo)_

**Teshik**: See?

_(The phone rings, Teshik gets it)_

**Teshik**: Moron Manor?

**Phoebe**: _(over the phone)_ Stupid Earthquake! I won't get any tonight! Oh, and Piper's in jail for murder.

**Teshik**: What? Oh, the A-plot. I almost forgot. How did she end up there?

**Phoebe**: I mean, stopping an Earthquake is impossible, and even if he survives, he probably tends to the ten thousands dying in the ruins of San Fran instead of sleeping with me…

**Teshik**: Phoebe? Focus.

**Phoebe**: All right. Apparently, she picked her glamour out of one of my magazines..

**Teshik**: You mean the ME! Magazine? Or Ego 2000?

**Phoebe**: I think it's in the ME! . Oh, and the jumpsuit she has to wear! I wouldn't be caught dead in this thing! Except for the one time where they burned _me_ at the stake, where _I_ really had to suffer…_I_ couldn't even style _my_ hair, isn't that awful?

**Teshik**: Focus…

**Phoebe**: Right. So anyway, where's Leo?

**Teshik**: _(Bends over to look into the kitchen)_ from the looks of it? He's getting some. Ugh, he seems to be half-naked already.

**Phoebe**: Mmmmmmmh….half-naked.

**Teshik**: I hate you.

**Phoebe**: I hate you too. Paige's coming over now, tell her and the Bimbo to scry for the real Maia. I'll go get Dex for a pointless banter scene. _(click)_

**Teshik**: Whatever.

**Pointless Subplot**: Mishta? I shink I pooped ma pants.

**Teshik**: Back away slowly, and I will not hurt you.

_Attic. Bifi's pointlessly abusing the Book of Shadows. Teshik and Paige enter_

**Bifi**: Oh, cool, Action! I'm Bifi, Witch in training, I'm ready for anything!1!1!

**Paige**: Care to **shut** her up **while** I'm scrying?

**Teshik**: Do I get my cattle-prod back?

**Paige**: Orbed **it** into a vol**cano**.

**Teshik**: Dammit. Oh well. Bifi? Over here.

**Bifi**: Hi Teshik! Are we vanquishing demons now? Huh? Huh?

**Teshik**: No, Dimwit. By the way…Where did you get this awful top?

**Bifi**: Uh…look, over there, butterflies!

**Teshik**: …because my mother threw away her shower curtain from the seventies away recently, and your top not only has the same pattern, but also the same mildew spot over there…

**Bifi**: I …don't want to talk about it. Let's just say students are poor. And since the writers are so sloppy with my backstory, I don't know yet if I have parents.

**Teshik**: Ah.

**Paige**: Got **it**. Come on, Bifi, **let's** go.

**Teshik**: Hey, what about me?

**Paige**: **You** stay **here**.

**Teshik**: Why?

**Paige**: Because after we **get** Maia unconscious and **Kaley** Cuoco over there **has** her 'fear' moment **while** absolutely **showing** no emotion at **all**, we're going **to** strip the model **naked** to get her **into** that jumpsuit, **that's** why.

**Teshik**: Oh. In that case, have fun, kids.

---

_Later, Downstairs. Processing Summit._

**Phoebe**: …and so, the innocent is very, innocent an' all, but I really really have to get back to my slampiece, because, you know, I need to get knocked up, like, yesterday.

**Teshik**: _(looking up from behind the sofa, where he had been strangling Bifi)_ Why the fuck did you drop here, again? Since you seemed to be still at work five minutes ago and won't contribute _anything_ at all to solve the current crisis and such?

**Phoebe**: No time! Gonna go get laid!

**Teshik**: Selfish Bitch. Where were we? Oh yeah_. (dives back behind the sofa, struggling with Bifi)_

_The doorbell rings_

**Piper**: I'll get it.

**Teshik**: _(looks back up)_ Hello? Miss Wanted For Murder over there? Showing yourself now is on top of the current Bad Idea list. Let the Dolt go, or Bifi. She's still conscious…

**Bifi**: Gargl!

**Piper**: No, I'll get it. I _always_ get the door, and if I stop now, someone opens the door the wrong way. I'm a little anal-retentive about it, you see.

**Teshik**: I hadn't noticed.

_(Piper opens the door, Eves Husband, Carl storms in and tries to punch Leo. Piper freezes him)_

**Piper**: What the fuck?

**Teshik**: Hey. Why'd you stopped him?

**Leo**: He was about to beat the crap out of me!

**Teshik**: Your Point is?

**Piper**: Could anyone tell me _why_ he wants to punch Leo?

**Teshik**: Easy. While you were gone for A-Plot reasons and lesbian cellmate bonding, he cheated on you with Eve.

**Piper**: WHAT?

**Leo**: So not true, Piper honey, he's a dirty liar.

**Teshik**: Okay, so I didn't watch the whole act. I have a stomach too, you know.

**Leo**: But nothing happened! Little Subplot dropped his ice cream on me, and Eve wiped it off.

**Teshik**: With her tongue, while you already had torn off your shirt, I might add.

**Piper**: Enough you two. Leo, back into position, prepare to be punched.

**Leo**: What? But honey…

**Teshik**: Yes!

**Piper**: …and you Teshik won't strangle Bifi anymore, we might need her again tonight.

**Teshik**: Aw, C'mon!

---

_Later, in a back alley of a 50 store building – Piper, Paige and Teshik orb in_

**Teshik**: Piper? Freeze.

**Piper**: Not now, I can't see her yet.

**Teshik**: Oh, I can explain that. He just threw her out the buildings front, so she's going to go splat on the street outside, not here next to that dumpster.

**Piper**: Oops. _(freezes time)_ Now what?

**Paige**: Ooh, ooh, I **know**! There's **this** mattress **we** can use!

**Teshik**: No, you can't. I just checked, she is still frozen 2 meters above and _in front of_ the lobby entrance. Besides, she just fell _at least_ 25 stories, roughly 60 metres, and is moving at an approximate speed of 80 metres per second, that's 167 miles per hour, not counting air resistance, if you're interested. A little mattress won't stop her bone structure from being pulverized.

**Piper**: Oh. So what are we going to do now, since I can't absorb momentum with freezing, except when the writers fuck up?

**Teshik**: Look around, Piper. Then tell me, who do you see?

**Piper**: You…and Paige. Why?

**Teshik**: Paige has…what powers exactly, remind me please?

**Piper**: She orbs stuff around, orbs herself around, and since today morning, she can be used as a gyroplane.

**Teshik**: Still not getting any idea? I can wait, you know.

**Piper**: But my freeze won't hold much longer.

**Teshik**: Paige? Orb the frozen Maia onto the mattress.

**Paige**: Why?

**Teshik**: Orb her, spastic, or I'll buy another cattle prod.

_(Paige orbs Maia, she unfreezes)_

**Maia**: What just happened?

**Teshik**: You're alive, but no thanks to these little two brain surgeons over there.

---

_Later. Nance's apartment. _

**Nance**: You know, you are the bestest manicurist I've ever met.

**Bifi**: _(filing Nance's nails)_ That's nothing, I can do anything! I'm Bifi!

**Nance**: Right. Botox?

**Bifi**: No thanks, I'm a bad actress even when my facial muscles are intact.

**Nance**: What?

**Bifi**: Nevermind. Would you please stop staring down my cooter area? I'm wearing too little, I know, but you could be my grandfather, so it grosses me out.

**Nance**: Get out, you dirtbag!

**Bifi**: Oh, whatever. _(morphs into Maia)_ Erm. Like, Boo! Or something. Look in the mirror.

**Nance**: Maia! How…_(looking in the mirror)_ …why should I look into the mirror? It's nothing unusual in there.

_He turns around and sees three Maia's and Teshik standing in the room._

**Teshik**: That's because the Amazing Paige has forgotten to activate the glamour.

**Paige**_(glamoured as Maia):_ **Did** not!

**Teshik**: Did too.

**Nance**: Okay, I get it, this is a drug-induced ghost scene that's supposed to make me confess, but…can anyone explain who this guy is?

**Teshik**: I'm Teshik. I refused to be glamoured into someone with boobs and they wouldn't hire an extra as the photographer because of the budget.

**Nance**: Oh. Okay, what now?

**Teshik**: Famous Original Maia over there will throw you down the balcony and kill you. At least, that was my plan. _(gets his cell phone)_ Piper? Freeze, then go around the building.

**Famous Original Maia**: Hi. Drop dead. _(shoves Nance over the balcony)_

**Piper**: _(speaker voice)_ Why?

**Teshik**: Because Walter Nance just got kicked out of the same balcony Maia was. And I just _know_ you're standing in the _back_ alley again_. (slaps shut the phone)._ Good, this is over. Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.

**Paige**: What? Why?

**Teshik**: One, an earthquake is about to hit and only Phoebe's ovaries seem to care. Two, I've wasted way waaaay too much time on this shit. Three, Phoebe's about to get shmoopy with Dex. No way, I'm outta here. _(exits)_

The End


	3. 8:4 Desperate Attempts at StoryWriting

**8-4 – Desperate Attempts at Story-Writing**

Sara Wolfe, this is officially _your_ fault.

But thanks for the encouragement ;)

_Non-existing attic. Leo is standing in front of a chart, explaining the origin of Magic school. Bifi and Teshik are his non-listening victims. The former is playing with a Nunchaku while the latter is constructing a makeshift catapult…aimed at Bifi. _

**Leo**: And so you see, this is the reason Magic School exists.

**Teshik**: _(not looking up)_ Well, I knew elders had a long reaction time, but connecting the destruction of Atlantis in ancient times and the foundation of the fucking school a few years ago seems like a leeeeeetle stretch. Aside from the fact the show wanted to draw in Harry Potter fans with this cheap rip-off, which, by the way, was almost as bad as introducing Miss Tween over there.

**Bifi**: _(to herself)_ …but if Barbie divorces Ken, I won't have any reasons to buy her a pretty pony glitter wedding outfit…except for dream sequences and alternate realities…

**Teshik**: See?

**Leo**: I know. But…could you please refrain from breaking the fourth wall in the future while you're here? All these people staring at me from their computer monitors are making me uneasy.

**Teshik**: As if there were more than two people reading this. But, if you insist_…(looks at his catapult)_ Hmm, almost done. Say, could you get me any knifes from the kitchen downstairs while I'm aiming?

**Leo**: No, we're out of knives.

**Teshik**: Come on, how can you be "out of" knives?

**Leo**: Well, yesterday Wyatt and I caught Phoebe rummaging in his drawers for clothes again...

**Teshik**: Oh. Is Phoebe dead?

**Leo**: No! Wyatt would _never_ hurt another living being. He just was a little…playful, that's all. Just throwing the knives, making sure Phoebe doesn't get hit while she's running…

**Teshik**: Uh huh. Egypt sure is pretty at this time of year. Fine. _(goes over to a handy little anvil)_. Speaking of adorable things that _(lifts the anvil)_ –unnngghh- aren't, where is everyone?

**Leo**: Paige is getting ready for her coffee date, Piper is in the dining room with Wyatt, obsessing about one thing or the other, and Phoebe's in her room doing something very selfish with dangerous magical equipment.

**Teshik**. And what about little Chr…

**Leo**: He's sleeping.

**Teshik**: But what if he…

**Leo**: _Sleeping. _

**Teshik**: And what about…

**Leo**: SLEEPING!

**Teshik**: _(raises eyebrow)_ Oh…kay. No more coffee for you. _(Drops anvil into the cup)_ Now, a little further left…Hey! Bifi! What're you doing?

**Bifi**: Well, I'm Bifi! I can do anything, so I'm also able to handle these Mom-choks perfectly even though I never touched them!

**Teshik**: Nunchaku.

**Bifi**: Gesundheit.

**Teshik**: And people wonder why I am trying to kill you. Uh, I mean… could you stand still for a little ?

**Bifi**: Sure! After all, I'm Bifi. I'll just move the Mumbo-socks telekinetically…ly.

Teshik: Whatever.

**Leo**: Could we please continue with the lesson? Paige said I only get the 20 bucks for moron-sitting if she actually learns something. Teshik? Bifi?

Bifi? Whuh?

_Teshik launches his catapult in the moment Bifi is momentarily distracted and loses control over the nunchaku. Fortunately for her, she moves out of the anvils path, which flies past her to create a hole in the attic wall. The Nunchaku, missing Leo by half an inch, shatters the front window. We hear a distant scream of pain._

**Teshik**: Dammit. (_whips out dictating device)_ Plan 27 beta ineffective. Moving on towards Plan 28. _(puts device back in his pocket)_

**Bifi**: Wow! Awesome!

**Leo**: _(looking out of the window)_ I think you hit someone, Bifi. A punk with a Mohawk…Oh! _(shouts out of the window)_ Sorry Mrs Jenkins! Nice haircut!

**Mrs Jenkins** : _(distant, shouting)_ Rotten Kids!

**Leo**: _(turns towards Bifi and Teshik)_ You two really need a counselling session.

**Teshik**: No, get me a flamethrower, then counselling will be unnecessary.

**Leo**: Why are you trying this with flamethrowers and catapults anyway? Normally, you'd just go up and start to strangle her when you feel like it.

**Teshik**: Because your neurotic Wife-Ex-Wife-Wife told me to. No more strangling, stabbing, or beating her with something harder than a polstered whiffle-bat. I'm using loopholes here.

**Leo**: But I told you not to kill Bifi – and Phoebe – for at least a hundred times! Why are you listening to her, but not me?

**Teshik**: Because Piper is a neurotic shrew with a short fuse and capable of blowing me into tiny peaces with her bare hands.

**Leo**: Oh. Point taken.

**Teshik**: How do you endure this "normal life" crap every single day, anyway?

**Leo**: She… still has my testicles in a jar somewhere.

**Bifi and Teshik**: Eww.

**Leo**: Could we…you know, finally get on with this lesson? And could you listen to me, for a change?

**Teshik**: Only if you take off that offending chart first.

**Leo**: What? What's offending at it?

**Teshik**: Well, you were Head of Magic School, an Elder before that, and a Whitelighter before that. Right?

**Leo**: Yeah?

**Teshik**: And you know at least a little about witchcraft and its signs, right?

**Leo**: Sure.

**Teshik**: Then explain to me why the fuck you've drawn this chart suggesting Elders, Whitelighters and Darklighters are the three Point of a Triangle, suggesting either all three are neutral or at least, Whitelighters or Elders are.

**Leo**: Well, that is just…

**Teshik**: Secondly, the spokes of your Wheel of Life are marked with the symbols of Saturn, Jupiter, Mars, the Sun, Venus, Mercury, and the Moon. Non of the numbers written next to them make any sense, neither in the geocentric nor in the heliocentric view, nor if you take them as placeholders for the weekdays. Oh, and the words you've written on the outside of the Wheel – Visitar Terra Witches Rectifiando Warlocks Occultum Lapidem – would perhaps make a little more sense if you would have left a verb in the second part of the sentence; but still, it's just a theft of the original part of the Latin proverb "Visitar Interiora Terra Rectifiando Invenies Occultum Lapidem", which translates roughly to "visit the inner Earth, enlighten yourself, and you will find the philosophers stone". Roughly, mind you, since I never took a Latin lesson in my life. And I won't even go into the interpretation of the pictures, because, for one, there's an egyptian Pharao in a mediaeval themed Wheel of Life, which is buddhistic in the first place, and for another, you somehow put "JHS" in there, and I'm not burning my fingers in the interpretation of you combining witchcraft with Mary Nazareth's firstborn son. Let's just say if we were somewhere in the Bible Belt, you would be tied to a stick in a pile of very hot wood by now.

**Leo**: _(stunned)_ But..I..I…he…-WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!- _(runs from the attic, crying)_

**Teshik**: That? Felt _sooo_ good.

**Bifi**: Wow, Teshik. You really are into this, are you?

**Teshik**: No. Google is. Took me ten minutes, tops. The props department really ought to look at it once in a while. Now, back to business. Could you hold this can of gasoline while I go find some matches?

**Bifi**: Sure! I'm Bifi, I can do anything!

**Teshik**: Good Girl. Be right back.

---

_Dining Room. Piper is sewing a costume, Paige obsessing at a mirror, the Psycho plays with his torture instruments. Teshik enters._

**Teshik**: Hey. Do you have any matches around here?

**Piper**: _(suspicious)_ Why?

**Teshik**: Oh, um…just a general question?

**Piper**: You're trying to light Bifi on fire, are you?

**Teshik**: Ummm…Maybe?

**Piper**: You will not light her on fire. Nor will you light something flammable and hurl it in her direction.

**Teshik**: What if…I wanna start a comfy campfire in the attic and Bifi…accidentally falls into it?

**Piper**: No fire.

**Teshik**: Goddammit.

**Paige**: **What do you** think **which lipstick** _(mugs)_ **should I** use?

**Teshik**: And what's wrong with you, exactly?

**Paige**: -_twitches_- Nothing. **I'm just nervous** about my **coffee date, that's** (_spasms_) all.

**Teshik**: _(to Piper)_ It gets worse, doesn't it?

**Piper**: _(to Teshik_) Jup. Could you…you know.

**Teshik**: Yeah, I'm on it. (_vanishes into the kitchen, Phoebe enters_)

**Phoebe**: I'm getting some! Hooray!

**Piper**: Please let me out of this.

**Phoebe**: I scried, summoned the Seer, asked the stars, drank a little of D'Eartha's evil urine…He's the One!

**Piper**: (_to herself_) I will ignore the fact my sister used dark magic to get herself fertilized, I will ignore it, I will ignore it…

**Phoebe**: So all I need to do now is get the wedding planned, oh, and he has to propose to me first, but that's a minor issue.

**Paige**: **Aren't you** taking this **a little too fast**? I **mean**, maybe…

**Phoebe**: Nonsense talk, I'm getting sex tonight, no discussions about that!

_Teshik returns from the kitchen with a glass in his hand. In it is a white liquid._

**Teshik**: Paige?

**Paige**: Ye**s?**

**Teshik**: How about a nice glass of uh, warm milk ? You know, to calm your nerves?

**Paige**: I **guess that's a** good idea…why **is this milk** bubb**ling**?

**Teshik**: I, uh…put a vitamin fizzy tablet in it. Never can have too many vitamins, right, gals?

**Piper**: Right, Teshik.

**Phoebe**: Totally.

**Paige**: **In** that **case_…_**_(downs the "milk")._

**Piper** _(to Teshik):_ How much?

**Teshik**_(to Piper):_ Thrice the normal dosage. No threat of helicoptering here.

**Piper**_(still whispering_): Good. But aren't there side effects?

**Teshik**: Delusions, Hallucinations, oh, and she might fall asleep during her date. But only if she gets bored, and since she didn't have that problem with that last week…

**Piper**: No no. She already ditched the policeman.

**Teshik**: Really? But he already got to second base, at least. Why?

**Piper**: You know how it is. Six weeks of slampiecing for Phoebe, then Paige gets a slampiecy story arc. And I don't have the nerve to tell Paige she won't score for at least another four weeks.

**Teshik**: I hear you.

**Piper**: (_holds the costume she made in front of her, smiling_) So. Whattaya think?

**Teshik**: I think it's a little tacky, with the extra gold and stuff, but Phoebe's worn way worse before.

**Piper**: No, not for Phoebe. That's for Wyatt's school play!

**Teshik**: He's two and a half, I think. So…school? School play?

**Piper**: Pre-School?

**Teshik**: Still two and a half?

**Piper**: Okay, the baby daycare center.

**Teshik**: Better. Is that where Chri…

**Piper**: He's sleeping.

**Teshik**: But you don't even…

**Piper**: **_Sleeping. _**

**Teshik**: And what if…

**Piper**: SLEEPING!

**Teshik**: Whatever.

**Piper**: So, the costume is done, I got all my stuff. Come on Wyatt!

**Wyatt**: STARES

**Piper**: Aw. You little doll. Teshik, we're going to drop Paige at her date, she's in no condition to drive now.

**Teshik**: Wait. Why do I have to go too?

**Piper**: Because the only person that would protect the Blonde Bimbo from getting brutally killed is bawling in the upstairs bathroom for one reason or another.

**Teshik**: But…there're kids in there. I'm not really… compatible to kids.

**Piper**: You're coming, or I'll lock you in a room with Phoebe and Dex for the next two days.

**Teshik**: _(shudders)_ Okay, I'm coming –_sigh_-

---

_Daycare Center. Piper tries to dress Wyatt, while Teshik keeps close to the walls._

**Piper**: Come on little sweety, put this on.

**Wyatt**: STARES

**Piper**: I don't know why he fusses so much.

**Teshik**: Well as long as you're holding him, he can't run about and kill his little friends.

**Piper**: Don't be ridiculous! My little apple pie would never doing something like that.

**Teshik**: Uh huh. _(look at the opposite wall, where a suspicious child-looking soot spot is currently overpainted)_

**Pointless Subplot**: Hey Mishta! Mishta!

**Teshik**: _(narrows eyes)_ Touch me and die.

**Pointless Subplot**: You and what army?

**Teshik**: I'm here with him. (_points towards Wyatt)_

**Pointless Subplot**: ImverysorrysirIdidntmeantodisturbyouinanywayohlookatthetimebyebye!

_(runs away) _

**Teshik**: Note to self: Do not anger Wyatt.

**Mandy Sue**: Hello Miss Distant Cousin Who Is So Totally Not Wyatt's Mom! I'm Mandy Sue!

**Piper**: Hello, Mandy Sue, Who I Totally Recognize Even Though You Never Appeared On Screen And Possibly Will Never Again. Could you look if I forgot a needle on his costume or something?

**Mandy Sue**: Well, of course I can! After all, I'm Mandy Sue, I can do anything!

**Teshik**: I take it you're related to Bifi, right?

**Mandy Sue**: What?

**Teshik**: Nevermind.

**Mandy Sue**: Well, nice of you to make that costume, but since he's going to be dressed like a pumpkin…

**Piper**: Pumpkin? What, wait. You explicitly said…

**Mandy Sue**: Oh sure you must have misheard. It's on the info-sheet, remember? Now go, we'll just take care of Wyatt better than you ever could.

_(walks off with Wyatt on her hand)_

**Teshik**: You had no idea about the info sheet, didn't you?

**Piper**: Well, no. It must lie around in the manor somewhere, though.

**Teshik**: Either that, or Miss Mandy is fucking around with your mind.

**Piper**: Stop it. It's just her perfectly good motherhood and stuff that I just want to…

**Teshik**: Strangle her? Maim her?

**Piper**: Don't. I know where you're headed, and, no, I won't.

**Teshik**: Come on. Just a teensy bit strangling?

**Piper**: No.

**Teshik**: We could curse her with scabs?

**Piper**: Hmm, Maybe…I mean, no. Come on, I have a pumpkin to make.

---

_Attic. Bifi is concentrating Very Hard on the Mom-choks…I mean, Nunchaku, flinging them around telekinetically. Teshik enters._

**Teshik**: Hey, Moron, I just met your aunt or something.

**Bifi**: Whuh? _(spins around, accidentally letting loose the Nunchaku. Teshik ducks, so it won't hit him)_

**Teshik**: Aaaah! (_gets up from the floor_) Grrr… Wait. If I attack you, it's self-defence now. Thanks. _(lets out primal scream, grabs the Nunchaku and proceeds to strangle her with it.)_

**Piper** (_from off-screen_): Dammit Leo, I'm going to make him a cutesy pumpkin with magic and even if I have to kill everyone in sight!

**Teshik**: Curses, foiled again.

_He drops Bifi off on Aunt Pearl's sofa, throwing a book at her, grabs a book himself and sits on the nearest armchair, pretending to read. Bifi does likewise. Piper and Leo enter, pedebitching._

**Leo**: But why all of the sudden do you want this? I mean, besides the whole personal gain issue…

**Piper**: Leo? Look at this. (_holds out a jar with two things swimming in it, Leo squirms_)

**Bifi and Teshik**: Eww! EWW!

**Leo**: Uh…awkward. Hey Bifi, what's up?

**Bifi**: Oh, I'm, like, reading. You know, I soak up knowledge. I'm a virtual sponge.

**Teshik**: (_starts singing_) Oooohh…who lives in a pineapple under the sea…

**Leo**: Really Honey, you wanted your normal life, and this means no conjuring pumpkin costumes.

**Piper**: Can it.

**Teshik**: (_still singing_) Absorbing the screen time, the blond bimbo is she…

**Leo**: Honey? (_makes puppy eyes_)

**Piper**: No. My precious firstborn is not going to be humiliated in front of his class.

**Teshik**: Baby Day care-center. By the way, where did you leave Chri…

**Piper and Leo**: He's sleeping.

**Teshik**: But it's been hours, what if…

**Piper and Leo**: **_Sleeping._**

**Teshik**: But how…

**Piper and Leo**: SLEEPING!

**Teshik**: Okay, that does it. (_drops the book and leaves the room_)

---

_Basement. _

**Teshik**: Okay. If I just brutally murdered my not-wanted second child, where would I put him? (_looks around, sees a heap of coal_) Coal? Didn't they have centralized heating even decades ago? (_puts a few pieces away, sees a white cloth_) Uh-oh. I really hope he's still alive. I'm not prepared for real drama.

_Teshik lifts the cloth. Underneath, there lies Tiny Gay Chris – sleeping, in clothes that would have fit him a month ago. Next to him lies a baby bottle labelled "Chris' Chloroform". _

**Teshik**: And here I thought my family was a bunch of freaks. (_empties his backpack_) Okay, little guy. I'm going to get you out of here. But don't get too attached, I'm just get you (_lifts him up and puts him into his backpack_) to your deadbeat parents and rip them a new one, yes? Oh, and I won't change diapers. My godson already taught me babies have a terrific aim.

**Tiny Gay Chris** : Zzzzzzzz.

**Teshik**: Good boy.

---

_Attic. _

**Leo**: …and she said what I said before. No. We won't get ourselves exposed.

**Teshik**(_from offscreen, shouting_): Okay Dolt, Shrew, you are about to get the ass-whooping of your life and (_he enters, Chris, awake, in his backpack_) believe me, the Dolt's testicles won't be the only things missing after that!

**Bifi**: You know what? I'm going to Magic School. Now! (_Throws a potion on the floor, she, Leo and Teshik are engulfed in it. When it dissolves, they're standing in Magic Schools hallway.)_

**Bifi**: Oh cool! We did it!

**Teshik** (_stunned_): I…what…-_blinks_- I just don't know who to kill first anymore. (_rubs his temples)_

**Leo**: Look out! There are demons everywhere (_They dart into an empty classroom_)

**Bifi**: Uh-oh, and I forgot the returning potion. - You mean I accidentally got us in a demon-infested place where we all get killed?

**Teshik**: Then again, it's crystal clear all of a sudden. (_advances towards her)_

**Tiny Gay Chris**: Goo-Ga!

**Leo**: What? He's awake? What did you give him?

**Teshik**: Triple Frappucino in his bottle. He wouldn't react to anything else. Now, would you please let me kill the Bimbo before we're going to die?

**Leo**: No Teshik, we just have to get out of here. Besides, Bifi's the only witch of us.

**Teshik**: Does that mean we are relying on HER to not get killed?

**Leo**: Pretty much.

**Teshik**: We're doomed, you know that?

**Leo**: …Pretty much.

**Bifi**: Hey! Look at these cool artsy weapon thingies!

**Leo**: Come back here, someone might (_two male demons turn around the corner) –sigh_- come.

**Demon #1**: Who are you?

**Teshik**: Bifi, the Nunchaku!

**Bifi**: Gesundheit.

**Teshik**: (_rolls eyes_) The Mom-chocks, you Idiot!

**Bifi**: Oh. (_telekinetically swings the Nunchaku at the demons, they are knocked out_). Ha! Wasn't that awesome? I am, like, so cool.

**Teshik**: SO…MUCH….HATE…

**Leo**: Okay, Bifi, help me pull those demons inside the room. (_they pull the demons inside. Teshik still stands outside. Bifi comes back outside and tries to drag him in)_

**Bifi**: Come on, it's okay to be frozen with fear, happens the best of people…(_a third male demon turns around the corner. He is wearing a black halter top.)_

**Demon #3**: Hey there, sugar. How about you ditch your bimbo girlfriend and slip into something more comfortable…like me?

**Teshik**: -_twitches-_ (_sounding preternaturally calm_) Bifi?

**Bifi**: Yes?

**Teshik**: Hold little Chris.

---

_Several minutes later. _

**Bifi**: That was like, wow! I never even thought you could, you know, stick a crossbow in _there_!

**Leo**: Bifi, shut up.

**Bifi**: I mean, _sideways_?

**Leo**: Bifi, PLEASE shut up.

**Bifi**: Why?

**Leo**: Because Teshik is still foaming at his mouth. I think we'd just stay silent for a while.

---

_Another several minutes later. _

**Leo**: Hey Teshik, ol' buddy ol' friend? You all right?

**Teshik**: ….I think I feel better now.

**Leo**: You know, could you…let go of the demon's arm? You know, considering it's not attached to his body anymore and all.

**Teshik**: Yeah, I suppose. (_breathes slowly in and out_) So. Back on track. What're we gonna do now?

**Leo**: Well, we will slip into the demons' clothes and pretending we're one of them. That way we find out what they planned, and also can get the spell which should be in the library somewhere.

**Teshik**: Why do you always think a demon mainly consists of wearing black leather?

**Leo**: Oh, it's not only that. Can you speak with a British accent?

_Teshik shoots him A Look. _

**Leo**: Okay, then don't. We zip in, grab the spell, and chant us out of here. Oh, dibs on that jewelry.

**Teshik**: Well, I'm not going to change, I already wear a black T-Shirt, and I won't strip a demon naked to wear his.

**Leo**: Fine, let's go. (_Bifi and Leo walk towards the hall_)

**Teshik**: (_imitating Leo_) Oh, wait Teshik. Let me take the backpack with my son hid in it, Teshik. Gaaah. (_he follows_)

_Leo and Teshik are sorting through the books. Bifi's eavesdropping. _

**Teshik**: By the way, why did you never bother to copy down the spells in this books? They're pretty valuable, you know.

**Bifi**: Guys!

**Leo**: Not now.

**Bifi**: But Wyatt's here.

**Leo and Teshik**: What? (_They spin around and see Mandy Sue, Wyatt holding her hand_)

**Teshik**: I told you before, this child is pure evil. I'm betting he's sacrificing Mandy Sue for some kind of ritual.

**Leo**: He would never do that. Mandy Sue kidnapped him, I'm sure.

**Bifi**: Hey Guys, who the hell is "The Source"?

_Leo and Teshik suddenly look very sober. _

**Bifi**: Guys?

**Teshik**: Okay, I found the spell.

**Leo**: Good. You and Bifi get out of here, I'll stay behind.

**Teshik**: Got it. Don't get killed.

**Bifi**: Hello? Guys?

**Teshik**: Shut it and follow me (_drags her off, Leo stays behind_)

---

_Manor entrance hall. Paige enters. _

**Paige**: Hello? Anybody home?

**Phoebe**: BITCH! (_takes a run-up and launches herself at Paige_) I KNEW IT WAS YOU!

_Both fight for a moment, then Bifi, Teshik and Chris materialize at the landing. _

**Teshik**: You know, if it wasn't a moment of tension right now, I'd whip up a batch of Popcorn and fire you on, but seriously? This is stupid Dex B-Plot. We got A-Plot issues.

**Piper** (_entering_) That's right, my son has just been kidnapped!

_Phoebe and Paige get up, all proceed towards the Attic, pedeconferencing. _

**Teshik**: It's worse than that. They want to use him to raise the Source from the dead.

_All P's look sober now._

**Bifi**: Okay, could someone please tell me now what's wrong with this guy?

**Teshik**: Permission to shut her up?

**Piper**: Granted.  
**Bifi**: WHAT? But..mmmpf mmff mmmmf! (_Teshik gags her_)

**Teshik**: Bifi? Don't. The Source of All Evil is too big for you. This guy was responsible for Prue's death, he's a big fuckin' badass, and he's from a time when people like me were actually caring about the characters and sitting at the edges of our seats, instead of hoping Phoebe and her slampiece issues are finally over. My rating of this episode jumped from a straight F to a fucking B minus just because this guy showed up and Leo, powerless, stayed behind to care for his son. And I care about Leos fate in this moment. The _Dolt_, Bifi. If you, someday, are able to pull off a stunt like me caring for you, you might even hear your real name. But not now, Bimbo. Now stay here, I gotta find out how this ends.

---

_Magic School. The P's plus Teshik orb in. Teshik hides behind the door, the P's move into the hall._

**Source**: Well. This is too good to be true…Daddy?

**Mandy** **Sue**: WHAT? Oh…(_Mandy Sue drops to the floor, the Ruth Bader Ginsburg demon remains standing)_ Who did this?

**Charmed** **Ones** : We did.

_Leo grabs Wyatt and takes cover behind a couch._

**Source**: I should have known the Charmed Ones are still alive. Only you've gone soft. Without the Hollow, you cannot stop me!

**Piper**: Oh really? (_looks at Ruth Bader Ginsburg)_ Hey Cupcake!

_Piper flings her hands, the demon is hurled backwards. Another blast, and she incinerates. The Source is drawn into the blast, he, too, is vanquished. _

**Teshik** (_coming out from hiding_): Wait, What? What just happened?

**Piper**: I vanquished him.

**Teshik**: You what? How? And how could you alone? What about the spell?

**Piper**: Well, Ruth Bader Ginsburg conjured him. So if she gets vanquished, he goes as well. No big deal.

**Teshik**: (_looking increasingly shocked_) But…but Wyatt conjured him! She only got a few henchman drawing up the Pentagram and kidnapped him!

**Piper**: My little pumpkin? No, he would never do something like that.

**Teshik**: (_starting to shake_) But…the Source of All Evil! The moral implications of Wyatt conjuring an evil being! Compelling Storylines we actually could care about? A last season going out with a bang instead of a whimper!

**Phoebe**: Nope, ain't gonna happen.

**Teshik** (_squeaking in a very high voice_) You…you just killed my soul! (_dissolves into a sobbing heap on the carpet)_

**Piper**: Okay guys, let's head home. Oh, and Paige? Orb over to Walmart and buy chocolate ice cream. An "Aunt Flo" portion. I think Teshik needs it right now.

---

_Day-Care Center. Evening of the "School Play". Piper and Leo enter, Chris in his arms. They find Teshik, who saved them a seat. _

**Piper**: Hey there. Still pissed?

**Teshik**: You betcha. Plus, I gained five pounds the last 24 hours.

**Piper**: What's this in your face? You look pretty bruised.

**Teshik**: Oh, that? Everyone who watched that show since Season One looks the same today. Kern hit us in the face with an iron rod and laughed. I think I know how Demian feels every week, now.

**Leo**: Could you hold this for a second? (_hands Chris to Piper_)

**Piper**: Well, it'll heal off. It always does. Oh, by the way, we decided to solve our C-Plot issue by letting Wyatt use Magic sometimes to let off steam.

**Teshik**: You know, the chick in front of me who blocks my view just heard every single word you said.

**Nameless** **Chick**: Yeah, but I already know you're a bunch of kooks you shouldn't listen to. So, no worries.

**Teshik**: I feel so much better now.

**Piper**: Could you hold this for a second? (_hands Chris to Teshik_). By the way, I thought you hated kids, so why're you here?

**Teshik**: I don't hate kids. Like I said, we're just not compatible. And I was interested if Wyatt blows up another classmate.

**Piper**: Will you stick around for the next episode?

**Teshik**: If I find the time. After all, I have to learn how to kill Brad Kern and Jeannine Renshaw with the power of my mind.

**Piper**: Shh. It's starting. Aw. My little cutesy pumpkin.

**Teshik**: Tell me, why exactly am I saddled with your second offspring again? With the amount of time he spends with me instead of with you, I'm surprised he doesn't call me …

**Tiny Gay Chris**: Da-da!

**Teshik**: -_twitch_- I hate my life.


	4. 8:5 ReTarded

_8-5 : Re-Tarded_

_Moron Manor, Subdivision : Non-Existant Attic. Paige and Bifi are there, Teshik enters. _

**Teshik**: Hey, Moron, hey Muggy… AAH! (covers his eyes) You could have warned me you are still in your nightwear!

**Paige**: What **the** fuck are **you** talk**ing **a**bout**?

**Teshik**: God! NIPPLES, PAIGE!

**Paige**: I'**ll** have **you** know that **my** clothes are per**fect**ly suit**able** for **work**.

**Teshik**: I'll have you know that Phoebe, whom apparently you stole this from, labels all her clothes "suitable for work", up and including to cooter jeans, string bikinis and actual strings.

**Bifi**: Aw. And I thought you were warming up to me and you're comfortable wearing nightgowns around me now.

**Paige and Teshik**: Shut up Bifi.

**Bifi**: Fine then. Back to my favourite topic. When do we go vanquish demons? After all, I'm Bifi!

**Paige**: In that case, you will go on a recon mission, to ID the demon of the week. And I mean recon. No Vanquishing.

**Bifi**: No fun!

**Teshik**: No brain. Wait, does that mean you send the moron out alone? Isn't that stupid and dangerous …and all kinds of stupid? Did I mention stupid?

**Paige**: If **you**'ll in**sist **then, o**kay**, you'll go with **her**, to **en**sure no**thing** hap**pens**.

**Teshik**: What? NO! No Way! I meant another witch, another one of you!

**Paige**: Can't **even** if we wan**ted** to hang **out** with her. Piper **got** around **to** drag me down **to** B-Plot **issues** again, **and** Phoebe…'s Phoebe, so she's **with** that Dex guy. Plus, **you** two could use **a** little bonding.

**Teshik**: _(spits out the word)_ Bonding! With her? Never.

**Bifi**: Come on, Teshik! It'll be fun! I'm Bifi, nothing is more fun than hanging out with me! I'm the ideal of fun-ness!

_Teshik hits Bifi casually in her face with his fist. Bifi looks dazed. _

**Teshik**: What if I flat-out refuse?

**Paige**: Then you'll **go** along with me **tomor**row, speed-dating **in** P3.

**Teshik**: Ew. Wow Paige, I'm almost sorry for you.

**Paige**: Okay, **up** you go. **But** first: **Empty** your pockets, Bi**fi**.

**Bifi**: Why?

**Paige**: The po**tions**.

**Bifi**: All right_. (empties her pockets, puts the potion vials on the commode)_

**Paige**: You too, Te**shik**.

**Teshik**: I need these for protection.

**Paige**: Now, or you'**ll** speed-**date**.

**Teshik**: -sighs- Fine. _(pulls out a butcher knife and a rat-poison bottle –re- labelled "Lemonade" and puts it on the commode)_

---

_Road next to dank and forbidding alley. Teshik and Bifi drive up in Paige's VW Beetle. They hear the screaming innocent. _

**Bifi**: Why is it no one ever investigates those kind of screams except for us?

**Teshik**: Because we're in a TV show. In real life, all those people would gather round the victim and stare while doing nothing. You can decide what's sicker.

_They run into the alley and find the innocent, attacked by red moth-like spots. _

**Bifi**: All right, fellow citizen! Do not fear, because Bifi is here!

**Teshik**: Rhymes? What's next, limericks?

**Bifi**: No problem. "There once was a witch from Minducket…"

**Teshik**: Note to self: Sarcasm is wasted on the brain-dead. Bifi? Telekinesis. Now!

**Bifi**: Sure, I'm Bifi, I can do anything!

_She tk's a few of the "moths" into walls, they incinerate. They stop the attack on the innocent and fly towards Bifi and Teshik instead. Both fight them a little, Bifi TKing them into walls, Teshik killing them with a fly-swatter. The remaining moths flee, but Bifi is able to hold one of them with her hand. They look at it. _

**Teshik**: Flying monkeys? God, I really have to get that stuff the writers are snorting, it might get things bearable. I mean, aside from Wizard of Oz-flashbacks, these creatures have no discernable claws to inflict the damage they obviously inflict. Plus, the effects? Beyond awful.

**Bifi**: Well, but at least I catched one of them, so we're able to identi…

_The creature loosens itself from Bifi's grip and escapes, cutting a large gash into Bifi's upper right arm. _

**Bifi**: Ouch!

**Teshik**: _(at the fleeing creature)_ Not bad. Next time, go for her neck! _(To Bifi)_ Calling you a moron is redundant, so we should just get Mr Innocent over there to the hospital.

_They lift, not without problems, the man up and drag him out of the alley. Outside on the other side of the street, Agent Idiot is observing the three of them with binoculars._

**Teshik**: Uch. So much choices.

**Bifi**: What do you mean?

**Teshik**: I just can't decide what's worst. The fact nobody is even attempting to look at us or help us, that Mister Not-King of Not-Queens just grabbed my ass or the blind idiot over there who's surveilling your cooter area with BINOCULARS, even though he's parking at the other side of a fuckin' three meter street. Goddammit.

**Bifi**: There there Teshik. I'm Bifi, everything will be all right.

**Teshik**: Just do me a favour and die now.

---

_That evening. Paige and Piper are in Piper's bedroom, Teshik enters. _

**Teshik**: Hey. Paige? Still NIPPLES. What're you doing?

**Piper**: Exposition dance and mirror games.

**Teshik**: Ah. Erm, do you still have clothes from Adult Chris around? I have to change, and Leos giant flannel tents won't fit.

**Piper**: Yeah, somewhere in the closet. Why do you have to change?

**Teshik**: Giant bloody paw print on my left butt cheek. _(rummages in the closet)_

**Piper**: Want to talk about it?

**Teshik**: Let's just say I made sure the nurse stitching his wounds is almost blind and has a shaky hand.

**Piper**: Uh huh. Saaaaaay… got any plans this evening?

**Teshik**: Paige already told me, so stuff it.

**Piper**: Dammit. Aw come on, it's just a little harmless fun, and you could meet the girlfriend of your dreams…

**Teshik**: I preferred to go demon-hunting with Bifi than accompanying Paige and you. _Bifi_. That should give you an idea how interested I am.

**Leo**: _(enters, with Tiny Chris on his arm)_ Piper, where's the …

**Piper**: Kitchen, top shelf. How's he feeling?

**Leo**: The fever's down, but he's still having a nasty cold.

**Teshik**: Yeah, lying sedated buried under a heap of coal for five weeks will do that for you, all right. By the way, where'd you drop off his sociopathic big bro…

**Leo, Paige and Piper**: He's sleeping.

**Teshik**: But how…

**Leo, Paige and Piper**: _**Sleeping**. _

**Teshik**: Do you really think I'm buying…

**Leo, Paige and Piper**: SLEEPING!

**Teshik**: I hate each and everyone of you. Oh well, it's not like the little Psycho can't fight for himself…

**Phoebe**: _(enters the room)_ Hi everyone!

**Teshik**: Whoa. Dear Passengers, we have just entered NIPPLEton, California, its population is now two and growing. God, don't you girls ever think of bras?

**Phoebe**: Nah, additional layer of clothing between me and sex. Oh, guess what?

**Paige**: Wh**at?**

**Phoebe**: I'm ovulating !

**Teshik**: Ever heard of the phrase "too much information"?

**Phoebe**: Oh shut it, it's not like I wanted to mate with _you_. I wouldn't even do you if you were the father of my precious Ladybug…oh, scratch that. I'd even rape you if necessary. You know you want me little Teshik…

**Teshik**: _(looking incredibly pale)_ Ooooh…kay. Slowly backing away from the horny madwoman now, looking for weapons.

**Phoebe**: By the way, Piper, where's my Slampiece Overnight Suitcase?

**Piper**: Closet, next to Leo's shoes.

**Phoebe**: Good. I need to get busy, like, yesterday. Bye, destiny calls!

_Phoebe moves towards the door, but Bifi blocks her path. She is holding a card in her hand. _

**Bifi**: Hey. Guess who just got busted by Homeland Security.

**Phoebe**: What?

**Paige**: You **didn't** use your **po**wers, **did** you?

**Teshik**: Well, duh. If you send us to a place where innocents are attacked by demons, she has to use her powers to save us and the innocent.

**Phoebe**: Oh god. If he saw her using powers, we're screwed.

**Bifi**: But, you're glamoured n'stuff! No one recognizes you!

**Phoebe**: You shouldn't have sent her out.

**Paige**: She **just** should **go** there **and** I-**D** the **de**mon!

**Teshik**: Hello? Newsflash. You can't simply go into a demon-infested alley, snap a picture to identify him later and leave the innocents dying with him!

**Bifi**: By the way, those bad special effects were imps. So if we find the imp master, he can tell us which demon hired him, and we can…

**Piper**: We won't do no such thing.

**Bifi**: What?

**Piper**: You heard me. If we go out now, Homeland Security will get us.

**Teshik**: Just let me get this straight. You expect us to sit on our asses and wait until more people get _killed_ near that hospital, just so Phoebe gets laid, Paige can speed-date and you get your FUCKING GODDAMN NORMAL LIFE ?

**Piper**: Are you…actually siding with Bifi?

**Teshik**: What? No. I mean… -_blinks-_ oh god. I do. I side with Bifi because you Morons are such selfish bitches at the moment that she is my only ally. –_sighs_- Come on, Bimbo, we will now go to the attic and do nothing.

**Bifi**: But…

**Teshik**: Now!

---

_Non-existent attic. Bifi and Teshik enter. _

**Bifi**: But we can't simply do nothing!

**Teshik**: Shut it. Did you plan to follow their order? I sure don't. Now, first we have to find out who hired the imps, and then, how do we vanquish a probable upper-level-demon ourselves. Any ideas? _(starts flipping through the Book of Shadows)_

**Bifi**: Well…one of Phoebe's premonitions would help here.

**Teshik**: Yeah. But you don't get premonitions, power swapping involves way waaaay too much wacky hijinks, and if there was a spell in this book to prevent Phoebe from being a self-absorbing slut, I would have used it on her years ago.

**Bifi**: Ooh, I know, this spell!

**Teshik**: What? Oh shit. _(jumps behind Aunt Pearls trusted sofa, expecting the worst) _

**Bifi**:

_Hear these words, hear my rhyme:  
Bless these two in this time.  
Bring them both into the fold,  
Help them now cross love's threshold._

**Teshik **_(from behind the sofa):_ Bifi?

**Bifi**: Yes?

**Teshik**: What did you do?

**Bifi**: Cast a spell?

**Teshik**: What spell?

**Bifi**: "To Make Lovers Dreams Come True"?

**Teshik**: Why? On Earth?

**Bifi**: Well I figured, if Phoebe finally gets married, then she'll get pregnant and her issues are solved and she'll help us again.

**Teshik**: Please tell me you visualized Phoebe and her horse-faced moley slampiece while reciting.

**Bifi**: Yes. Why?

**Teshik**: Oh thank the heavens. Because if you didn't, the spell would have backfired and hit the first two people, namely, us. And if I'd woken up next day to realize you're next to me as a Mrs Teshik, Armageddon would have arrived early this year. _(comes up from behind the sofa)._ Now, let's see if your asinine plan worked.

_They look out of the front window. At the entrance, Phoebe and Dex are embracing and kissing each other. _

**Dex** : Oh, Julie Bennett, will you marry me?

**Phoebe**: Oh, even though I'm not entirely sure if you mean me, since I'm actually Phoebe, I sure say yes. Yes, I want to be a Mrs. Dex Lawson!

**Dex**: Well then, let's book a flight and rent some clothes, and head off for a week in Vegas!

_(He lifts Phoebe up and carries her to his car, they speed off. )_

**Bifi**: Hm. There goes Plan A.

**Teshik**: I sincerely hope you don't have a plan B.

---

_Entrance Hall. Bifi and Teshik descend from the stairway. _

**Teshik**: Thank god the other two already left, so we don't have to explain this. For now. Any ideas how we placate Piper for the next week?

**Bifi**: Easy! After all, I'm Bifi, and with my awesome blondness I have thinked of an idea that will safe our butts!

**Teshik**: And egregious grammatical errors aside, that is…?

**Bifi** _(grabs a fiddle and two Cowboy hats that are conveniently laying around, puts one onto her, throws the other on Teshik's head)_ Easy! _(begins to fiddle)_ Grab your partner, dow see dow!

**Teshik**: You really want me to hit the bottle again, don't you?

**Bifi**: _We're now going to disrupt the shows inner time flow! (starts singing)_

_It's just a jump to the left._

_And then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight._

_With your hands on your hips._

_You bring your knees in ti-hi-hight._

_But it's the pelvic thrust_

_(her pelvic thrusts forward) _

**Teshik**You're really driving me insay-ay-ay-ay-ayne.

**Bifi**: _Let's do the time-warp again._

_She throws away the fiddle and the cowbow hat._

**Teshik**: Okay, what the fuck was that for?

**Bifi**: Look at the windows.

**Teshik**: (_looks out of the solarium's windows_) Why…what? The stars and the moon are moving… it's day…no, it's already over…so, does that mean we're skipping the whole week?

**Bifi**: Jep.

**Teshik**: But…doesn't that mean Piper's gonna freak because of the time warp, instead of freaking about her sisters wedding? Either way, we're toast.

**Bifi**: No, no, I just totally killed this episode's timeline. You'll see. We're safe.

_The front door opens. Dex and Phoebe enter, in wedding outfits. Dex is carrying Phoebe over the doorstep. _

**Dex**: Well, here we are, candy girl. Home sweet home.

**Phoebe**: Oh you sure are a swell husband. (_giggles)_

_The spell lifts. Both look dazed, and then, Dex drops Phoebe on the floor. _

**Phoebe**: Ow. What just happened?

**Teshik**: You just spent an unforgettable week in Las Vegas, where you, among other things, got married and probably maxed out your credit cards gambling. Except for the part where you won't remember it at all. And just so we're clear on this: This (_points at Bifi_)

is entirely her fault.

**Phoebe**: WHAT?

**Teshik**: You can use my battle-axe if you like. Just let me watch, okay?

---

_Dining Room. Leo and Teshik are standing in it, Leo is holding little Chris._

**Teshik**: Wait. What just happened?

**Leo**: Cutscene.

**Teshik**: I'm not supposed to experience cutscenes. I'm writing this shit. Oh, I know why. Stupid Bifi and her damn fiddle.

**Leo**: You'll get used to it.

**Teshik**: Once I finally finish her off, that won't be necess…

_Dex enters._

**Dex**: Hey Guys.

**Leo and Teshik**: Hey.

_They stay silent next to each other. Dex is looking to the floor, teetering on his feet, Leo tends to little Chris, and Teshik stands with his arms crossed, his lips silently moving._

**Dex**: Erm…How about we catch some football on TV?

**Teshik**: Thirteen.

**Leo**: Thirteen what?

**Teshik**: Seconds of Silence before someone suggested sports as a clichéd bonding device.

**Leo**: Well, tried and true.

**Teshik**: You realize that as a non-American, I've never watched a football game in my entire life. Then again…I can torture you with stupid questions about the rules. Let's go.

---

_Dex, Leo, Little Chris and Teshik are watching football. Piper and Phoebe enter. _

**Phoebe**: Hi Guys, what're you doing?

**Leo**: We're introducing Teshik to the glories of American Football.

**Piper**: And, do you like it?

**Teshik**: Manly Men in absolutely ridiculously oversized shoulder-gear are running uncoordinated after a ball that isn't even round, and occasionally, if someone is mistaken for the ball, it all devolves into a giant group orgy. I think I prefer soccer. At least there the teams don't try to gang-rape the opponents' team members. (_Pauses_) Well, not during the game.

**Piper**: Err…interesting perspective. Care to join me and Leo while we say good bye to each other?

**Teshik**: No?

**Piper**: Too bad. You have no choice either way.

_Leo, Piper and Teshik go towards the entrance hall. _

**Teshik**: You don't expect me to watch you getting shmoopy, do you?

**Piper**: No. Phoebe and Dex need some time alone.

**Teshik**: Why?

**Piper**: Well, they're married now. So she now has to deprive him of all fun he has, such as football, and showing him who's in charge as soon as she can. Right Honey?

**Leo**: Yes, Ma'am.

**Piper**: Good boy, get a cookie. Bye now, P3 waits.

**Teshik**: Isn't it…like, ten in the morning?

**Piper**: Yes, but I have to clean up after the speed-dating party last night.

**Teshik**: Last …night? Not last week?

**Piper**: Last night.

**Teshik**: Okay. Hey, this reminds me…Paige never returned home last…night. So does that mean she got lucky?

**Piper**: I don't know. She's still at the party.

**Teshik**: Which…ended last night.

**Piper**: No, it's still going.

**Teshik**: And yet you're going to clean up the party that ended last night.

**Piper**: I don't think I know where you're heading.

**Teshik**: I was afraid of that. Stupid Fiddle.

**Piper**: Come again?

**Teshik**: Nevermind. By the way, where's the Retard?

**Piper**: Well, back at the landing. You won't apologize for hitting her with that baseball bat, now, do you?

**Teshik**: Baseball bat?

**Piper**: Whatever. Like I really care. Bye. (_She leaves, Leo goes upstairs. Teshik walks over into the living room, where he finds a baseball bat put next to the sofa_)

**Teshik**: Well. Self-fullfilling prophecy and all…(_begins grinning_) don't want to create a paradoxon, do we?

_He grabs the bat, whistles and marches towards the stairs, where Bifi is standing on the landing. He swings casually and hits her right in the face. _

**Bifi**: Owwww! That huhuhurrrrts!

**Piper** (_from upstairs_) HEY! What did you do that for?

**Teshik**: Space-time continuum?

**Piper**: Hrmpf. Whatever.

_She and Phoebe walk past Bifi and Teshik downstairs, towards the solarium. We here a football match on the TV in the background. _

**Teshik**: Okay, this is freaking me the fuck out. Retard, please tell me your stupid spell's effects are only temporary.

**Bifi**(_holding her bleeding nose_): Nes, idd's obny temponany. Dob't wonny.

Teshik: Fine. So, we should finally get back to the A-Plot. Bifi, you'll check the book, and I'll…

---

_That night. Phoebe and Teshik are sitting in front of the fireplace._

**Teshik**: (_takes in the surrounding_)…burn that fiddle. And I'm going to use Bifi as the firewood. (_looks at Phoebe_) So. While I'm not able to do anything anyway: Just start with the stupid me-talk, while I'll get some marshmallows. I'm embracing American Lifestyle today.

_Teshik grabs a marshmallow and a stick and starts roasting, while Phoebe is staring into the fire. _

**Phoebe**: Well…sure it's all about me. It's just…the whole faking death thing, it finally starts to bother.

**Teshik**: You seem awfully…not-selfish-haggish at the moment. What gives?

**Phoebe**: I just realized getting married isn't everything. I mean, knowing your husband first should be taking into consideration next time.

**Teshik**: I guess you're right.

**Phoebe**: Hand me a marshmallow.

**Teshik**: Okay.

_He hands her a marshmallow and a stick. They quietly roast them for a while. _

**Phoebe**: Watch out now, or it's going to…-flip- -splut-

**Teshik**: …fall into the fire and I'm staying hungry.

**Phoebe**: Something along that lines, yeah.

**Paige**: (_enters_) Hey. Mind **if** I **join**?

**Teshik**: Sure, come over here. You can get my marshmallow out.

**Paige**: Marsh**mal**low! (_She orbs the marshmallow back onto Teshik's stick._ )

**Teshik**: Hey, you remembered orbing instead of grabbing into the fire? Your IQ seems to rise again.

**Paige**: Can it, **I'm** not **in** the mood.

**Teshik**: Does that mean you didn't get lucky while stuck in B-Plot? I mean, you were gone a whole day.

**Paige**: No, actually **just** a few hours.

**Teshik**: Phoebe, when did you come home?

**Phoebe**: Today morning.

**Teshik**: And when did Paige leave with Piper, exactly?

**Phoebe**: Yesterday evening, before Dex came.

**Teshik**: So Paige was gone for how long?

**Phoebe**: Three hours or so. Why?

**Teshik**: You people just don't notice it, do you?

**Paige**: What do **you** mean?

**Teshik**: Oh, nothing. So…what did you do during those…hours, if you didn't get lucky?

**Paige**: Well, **I** almost got **lucky**.

**Phoebe**: But?

**Paige**: **He** said "Jo, you're beautiful."

**Phoebe**: But…oh. Bummer.

**Teshik**: Second that.

**Paige**: I think **I'm** having **an** identity crisis. I mean, **are** the guys liking me or **the** Glamour Me?

**Teshik**: Deep. And I think I just realized something.

**Phoebe**: What's that?

**Teshik**: That writing a parody about you is getting pretty fucking hard if you're actually likable and with believable motives for a change. Could you keep that up? If I don't have to make fun of every friggin' scene, I might get through the next review in under four weeks. Hell, I might even tolerate the Retard if you could get an entire episode onto that level. (_Pauses_) Uh-oh. Where IS the Retard?

**Phoebe**: Probably at her dorm room, sleeping. The demon you both encountered was hired by Antidote, a high level demon that needs a Power of Three spell to vanquish. So she won't try to get him.

**Teshik**: Uh huh…just a hunch, but Paige? Get Piper, quickly.

_Paige leaves. Bifi enters the front door, followed by Antidote and his Imp underling. _

**Bifi**: Oh, I know I can't vanquish you. But I can vanquish him. (_Throws a potion bottle, the dioptrically challenged demon blazes down to the Waste Land_)

**Antidote**: And what are you going to do now, little witch?

**Teshik** (_appearing from the living room_) She's helping me in buying us extra time.

**Antidote**: Time? For what?

**Bifi**: Wait, do you want me to do the Time Warp again?

**Teshik**: Oh hell no. I just wait for…

**Paige, Phoebe, Piper**:

_Hear us now, the witches call,_

_He who makes Samaritans fall!_

_We speak as one, the Sisters Three,_

_And banish you to Eternity._

_Antidote is vanquished. _

**Teshik**: …This. Nice.

_Bifi starts nattering about how this was entirely planned by her awesome blondness. Everyone just ignores her. _

**Piper**: Well, that's taken care of. But there's still the major issue about restoring our identities.

**Phoebe**: Leave that to me. I have an idea.

---

_Department of Homeland Security. The elevator door opens. We see the feet of Slutty, Shrewy and Twitchy, strolling into the office as if they own it. Agent Idiot's secretary stands up as she sees them as they approach her, mouth agape. _

**Paige**: Wow! **You** are really **im**pressed **with** our re**ap**pearance, are **you**?

**Teshik** (_climbs up from behind the counter_): No, actually, I just shoved an umbrella up her ass.

**Piper**: Why in Heaven did you do that for?

**Teshik**: Let's just say I hold a personal grudge against everyone who tries to read my personal emails without permission. Plus, Phoebe paid me 10 bucks to make her entrance "speshul".

**Piper**: Whatever. Will you join us with Agent Idiot?

**Teshik**: Nah, I'd rather finish this review before I add yet another useless page. But…could you give this to Agent Idiot? (_hands her the enormous glasses of the imp demon_) Just say it's for his next recon mission.

**Piper**: All right then. See you next week.

**Teshik**: Yeah. As soon as I find out when the fuck that is.


	5. 8:6 Die, Bifi Roll, Die

**8-6 Die, Bifi Roll, Die, Vol. 1**

_We open up in the non-existing attic as usual – no wait, we don't. We open up in the kitchen. Piper is actively abusing a helpless pumpkin. Teshik enters. _

**Teshik**: God, where the fuck are these moro….oh. Piper. Hi. What're you doing?

**Piper**: Carving a pumpkin.

**Teshik**: Ah, another true American tradition, ready to be mocked. Erm…are you supposed to let the vegetable suffer like that?

**Piper**: Actually, I'm venting. I'm doing B-Plot with Paige today, _AGAIN_, and it's beginning to wear me down.

**Teshik**: Please tell me it's not involving dating or P3 constantly being at the verge of financial fiasco.

**Piper**: Since when are you interested in B-Plots?

**Teshik**: Since the A-Plot revolves around Bifi fighting demons and saving innocents _alone_, _AGAIN, SOME MORE_. Talk about repetitive. I mean, shoving an asshat character down my throat is one thing, but at least one of you could accompany her.

**Piper**: Yeah, but that would mean one of us has to spend actual time with Bifi.

**Teshik**: Point taken.

_Paige enters, dancing. _

**Paige**: Hey **guys**, guess who **just** called **a**gain.

**Teshik:**(_to Piper_) Why the hell is she dancing?

**Piper:**(_to Teshik_) She's doing the exposition mambo.

**Teshik**: Oh.

**Paige**(_still dancing_): It was **Oprah's** people, **and** they (_throws her hands in the air_) wanted us for **her** talk show because **we're** so (_swirls around_) popular **at** the moment. And by **the** way, there is (_walks like an Egyptian_) still **a** throng of reporters **at** our front **door**, trying to **get a** (_moving her hands before her face, Travolta-style_) story. After **all**, we were **off**icially dead for **two** (_jumps into the air, doing the splits at her landing_) months. Ouch. **My** legs.

_Piper and Teshik stand up, helping Paige on her feet again. As they lift her, we hear an audible crack from Paige's hip. _

**Paige**: (_groans_) I'm get**ting** too old **for** this endless ex**po**sition dan**ces**.

**Teshik**: And I'm visibly ageing when I see one of you doing it. (_They sit down at the table again_) Oh well, at least this is over with.

**Paige**: Not **e**xact**ly**. While Phoe**be's** C-Plot doesn't need **expo**sition, we haven't **covered** A-Plot yet, **where** Bi…

**Teshik**: (_clamps his hand over her lippy mouth_) Thou shalt not sayeth her nameth, for she will cometh and devoureth us all.

**Piper**: He has a point, Paige. We usually start with hijinks in the attic, so she'll probably look for us there just as Teshik had.

**Teshik**: (_takes his hands from Paige's mouth_) Yuck. My whole palm is red. You really need to cut down on lip-gloss, Paige. Oh, by the way, do not enter the attic for a while.

**Piper**: Why exactly?

**Teshik**: Because I _may_ have taken the liberty of installing a self-shooting device, aimed in height of the Bimbo's head.

**Piper**: You know I told you not to try to kill B…her anymore.

**Teshik**: Well, look at the episode title. I'm allowed this week.

**Piper**: You're reaching.

**Teshik**: No, actually, I'm hoping. I mean, if we finally get rid of…

_We hear multiple shots fired out of a gun, a scream, and a body falling down the stairs._

**Piper**: Oh God! LEO!

**Teshik**: Oops. Erm…if he's dead? I'm sorry.

_We hear Leo cursing in the distance. _

**Piper**: Good, he's alive. So I don't have to do the housework and childcare.

**Teshik**: You really are a caring wife and mother. Speaking of kids, where are…

**Piper**: They're sleeping.

**Teshik**: Oh, Whatever. Next topic…

**Piper**: **_Sleeping_**.

**Teshik**: I had already moved on to…

**Piper**: SLEEPING!

**Teshik**: Are you done?

**Piper**: Yeah. Sorry, reflex.

**Teshik**: Don't mention it. But I'll sic Social Services on you if I don't see Tiny Chris by the end of this episode.

**Paige**: And **what** about Wy**att**?

**Teshik**: Kid can conjure dragons with the power of his mind since he's a year old. I'm not worried about him, I'm worried _by_ him.

**Paige**: Tru**e**.

_Bifi enters through the dining room._

**Bifi**: Hi, it's me, Bifi! I'm alive and well, isn't that nice to hear?

_Teshik, whose back is turned to the door, suddenly grabs Piper's knife and throws it behind him. It misses Bifi by half an inch. _

**Bifi**: Hey! What did you do that for?

**Teshik**: Dammit. Oh well. What're you going to do about those reporters?

**Paige**: I **dun**no. But I think **it's** better **to** just ignore **them**, and **they** will **go** away.

**Piper**: No, I just don't think it'll just blow over, I mean look, we're at the cover of the Bay Mirror.

**Bifi**: Hello? Teshik just made an attempt on my life!

**Teshik**: The Bay Mirror isn't exactly the New York Times, Piper.

**Paige**: And **be**sides, **of** course we **are** a mys**te**ry to them because **we** faked our deaths. **But** that won't mean **they** ever find out **we're** witches.

**Bifi**: Hey! I'm a witch! I could get found out!

**Piper**: But people watching our every move could easily expose us as them.

**Paige**: Relax. No**thing** like that **will** happen.

**Piper**: Oh yeah? Tell that to Prue when we're at the graveyard again next week.

**Teshik**: Hey, a Late Lamented mention! Wait... a mention for all the wrong reasons, I have to add.

**Piper**: Why?

**Teshik**: Because I'm the only one in the room who remembered what happened that day, after time was reversed. You can't possibly know you were exposed and you got shot.

**Bifi**: Who's the Late Lamenting?

**Piper**: Yes, but you missed the episode after that, where we explained everything regarding Prue's death.

**Teshik**: (_narrows eyes_) You know I _didn't._

**Piper**: (_narrows eyes, too_) You _did_ miss it.

**Teshik**: Did _NOT_.

**Bifi: **_(mopes)_ Everybody ignores me._(perks up again) _Oooh, I'm lamenting! And I was late today, too! _I_ must be the Late Lamenting. I'm so smart.

**Paige**: Before **you** guys rip **each** other **to** shreds : Could we **just** say it **happened** in „the **unaired** episode after **Prue** died and I wasn't **yet** here"?

**Piper and Teshik**(_relaxing_): Agreed.

**Paige**: Good. **I** suggest you'll (_indicates Piper and Teshik_) **take** care of Hal**lo**ween, and I'll deal with getting **the** press off our **backs**.

**Bifi**: And I'll take care of the demon I'm hunting.

_The other three suddenly look like someone just farted. Loudly. They turn their heads towards Bifi. _

**Teshik**: You're _still_ here?

_He tries to grab the other knife from Piper. This time however, she draws her hand away first and slaps on his. _

**Teshik**: Ow. Spoil-sport.

**Piper**: Quit it, or I'll never get to finish that pumpkin. (_to_ _Bifi_) What Demon?

**Bifi**: The Demon of the Opera. He's vanquishing other Demons to steal their powers and he get's stronger every day!

**Piper**: And you want to offer yourself as cannon food?

**Teshik**: Hey, it works for me...

**Bifi**: Come on, I just wanna show you that I can!

**Piper**: All right. Fine. But if you get caught on tape, I will vanquish you.

**Bifi**: Hahaha...(_sees Teshik's facial expression_) Wait. Teshik is grinning. That means something's going to happen to me. Is Piper serious?

**Paige**: Ech...**just**... don't get **caught**?

---

_Later, in the dining room. Piper and Teshik are sorting a quite impressive amount of candy. Well, Piper sorts. Teshik more or less sticks with chewing. _

**Teshik**: This is definitely a Holiday I can get used to. On St. Martins, you only get a cake-thingy. (_grabs a candy bar_) Ooh! What's this?

**Piper**: Vegetarian Vitamin Viper.

**Teshik**: Sounds healthy.

**Piper**: Oh, it certainly is.

**Teshik**: Meh. In that case... (_drops the candy bar into one of four bowls on the table_).

**Paige** (_entering_): Hey guys, I fi**gu**red a **way** to...(_sees the choco-mountain_) What're you **doing**?

**Piper**: I'm organising the candy for tomorrow. I have bowls with chocolate, sugar-free, chocolate with nuts, and healthy snacks...

**Teshik**: ...no kid will ever touch even if it's desperate and starving.

**Paige**: You are get**ting** on one **of** your ob**sess**ive-compul**si**ve trips **again**, are you? Why didn't **you** stop her, Te**shik**?

**Teshik**: Well, she had candy...

**Paige**: Yeah, **but**...AAH! Rats

**Piper**: Oh my. We have rats.

**Teshik**: Yes. I'm spooked, too.

**Piper**: Where will it end.

**Teshik**: Oh the humanity.

**Paige**: (_knits her brows_) The sud**den** ap**pear**ance doesn't **ha**ve an**y**thing to do **with** the sud**den** disappearan**ce** of the pes**ky** reporters, **does** it?

**Piper**: If you say so...

**Paige**: Piper, **turn** them back.

**Piper**: But why?

**Paige**: It's immo**ral**. And unhygie**nic**. And...we could ac**cident**ally step **on** them.

_Piper and Teshik look alarmed for a moment, look in each others eyes, and silently agree not to say anything. _

**Piper**: All right. I turn them back so they'll pester us again. Happy?

**Paige**: Yes. In **the** meantime, I'll **get** Phoebe **to** talk to her coworker **who's** leading the lem**ming** reporters.

**Teshik**: They're all following _one_ reporter? From a local newspaper? Excuse me while I suspend my disbelief.

**Paige**: **Shut** it. It's **the** perfect plan. He once **caused** the death of **a** local prostitute.

**Teshik**: I suddenly have the feeling Phoebe's going to be involved in this.

**Paige**: Yes. But not **like** this. Now, **turn** them back. (_She leaves_)

**Piper**: She's no fun.

**Teshik**: Yeah.

**Piper**: -_sighs_- Okay, I'll get the potion, and you...

**Teshik**: No, _I'll_ get the potion. I'm certainly not convincing your sociopathic little offspring to stop playing „Stomp!". Kid is dangerous.

---

_Still later, the kitchen. Piper prepares potions, while Teshik takes time-out._

**Teshik**: Uch. What do you know. I can actually _have_ too much candy.

**Piper**: You're lucky I found this recepy of Grams. Apparently she used it on Phoebe on a daily basis.

**Teshik**: And this will help me feel better?

**Piper**: Well, it will definitely prevent you from purging after eating.

**Teshik**: So this is why she lost all that weight these past years.

**Phoebe** (_entering_) ISSUES!

**Piper** **and** **Teshik**: Oh shit.

**Phoebe**: First of all, **I** just decided **I** don't get nearly enough coverage in your reviews, because **I'**m always off on important matters...

**Teshik**: ...like getting fucked on your desk while your coworkers have to watch...

**Phoebe**: ...so **I** decided to stop by and inform you about the important matters of this week. Like **me.** Second of all: Dex refuses to answer **my** calls, even though it is **me** who is calling, and **I** demand to talk to him!

**Teshik**: (_to Piper_) Do you have another potion that induces deafness?

**Piper**: (_to Teshik_) Sadly, no. But I'll work on it. Here, drink this.

_She hands Teshik the finished potion. He drinks it. _

**Phoebe**: And basically, it's only because he just found out **I'**m a witch, and that **I **impersonated someone else he actually had married a week earlier! But that wasn't even **my** fault **I** couldn't tell him! Homeland Security made **me** do it! The Zankou made **me** do it!

**Teshik**: Hey, I feel better already.

**Phoebe**: But what am **I** supposed to do now? And besides, **my** boobs feel enormous, and **I** have this rash down there, and **I** have this cravings for pickles with whipped cream, and...

**Teshik**: So much for feeling better. Phoebe, we really do not want to hear about your sexually transmitted diseases.

**Phoebe**: Well, **I** did not intend to tell you, but **I**'m a little scatterbrained right now. But what do you expect? **I** mean, **I**'m pregnant, after all!

**Piper**: WHAT?

**Teshik:** (_to himself_) Oh God. nine months of show time devoted entirely to her pregnancy issues. Kill me now. (_Pauses_) Then again, it probably is still better than Bimbo the Tweenage Witch with neither character nor story around. And anything that reduces Bifi's screentime...

**Piper**: Did you take the test or is this just another „oh, my period is two hours overdue, I'm lucky" episodes of yours?

**Phoebe**: No, no, no. **I** even peed on a stick this time.

**Piper**: And I take it you have seen a doctor for a real test or will in the nearest future?

**Phoebe**: Well, why bother? **I** mean, **I** married Dex, **I** knew he would be Ladybug's father, and well, it happened.

_Bifi enters. _

**Bifi**: Hey guys, gotta go see the Book, bye bye...

**Piper**: Hold it. Why are you bleeding?

**Bifi**: Oh, that's nothing. I touched a demon while vanquishing him.

**Teshik**: Could you touch them a little longer next time? You know, up to the point where you are both immolated?

**Bifi**: Oh Teshik, why are you always saying those bad things to me?

**Teshik**: Well, it all started when I wanted to see you dead.

**Bifi**: (_starts crying_) You hate me! You really really hate me!

**Teshik**: And it only took you two months to realize it, moron.

**Bifi**: WAAAAHHHH! (_Runs out of the kitchen, up the stairs_)

**Teshik**: That was soooo satisfying.

**Piper**: You know, that wasn't very nice.

**Teshik**: I don't see any of you running upstairs to comfort her.

**Phoebe**: Well, no. We say it wasn't nice. We won't say we hadn't thought the same.

---

_Attic. Bifi enters and flips through the Book of Shadows. _

**Bifi**: Oh, I don't want to deal with this! I can't stand these memories...(_comes across a distinct entry_) „To Erase Bad Memories". Oh, perfect. Here goes nothing.

_After this cruel memory_

_Is seen and said, _

_Erase these thoughts_

_from my_

_heart and my head. _

--FLASH--

_Lil'Bifi Roll is lying in her bed, a thunder scares her. She screams. We see a halloween pumpkin and a silhouette of a man in a cape, gesturing threatingly._

--FLASH--

_Bifi, Phoebe, Piper and Teshik in the kitchen. _

**Bifi**: Oh, that's nothing. I touched a demon while vanquishing him.

**Teshik**: Could you touch them a little longer next time? You know, up to the point where you are both immolated?

**Bifi**: Oh Teshik, why are you always saying those bad things to me?

**Teshik**: Well, it all started when I wanted to see you dead.

**Bifi**: (_starts crying_) You hate me! You really really hate me!

**Teshik**: And it only took you two months to realize it, moron.

--FLASH--

_The back alley from 8-2, „Dex and the Shitty". The Glamorous Gals and Teshik stand on one side, Bifi, in her black „I'm a slutty lil' demon killer" outfit on the other. _

**Bifi**: Hi! I'm Bifi! I can do anything!

**Teshik**: Hi. I'm Teshik. You suck, and I hate you.

--FLASH--

**Bifi**: (_grins_) Cool. All gone. Now, time to kick some ass.

---

_Downstairs. Teshik helps Leo bringing in another carload of candy. Leo has a lollipop in his mouth. _

**Teshik**: ...and then she just started crying and ran up the stairs just like the little spoiled brat she is. Good times, I assure you.

**Leo**: Dammit. I'm never around when the interesting stuff happens. I'm only good for „Leo, clean that up! Leo, take care of the Psycho! Leo, Phoebe had sex on the couch again, burn it!". I'm so tired of it.

**Teshik**: Well, yeah, but it's not like you can do something about it.

**Leo**: There is something I can do, actually, and I'm going to do it right about...

_He is interrupted by Bifi, who jumps down this stairs, bumping into him. _

**Leo**: Hey! Watch it!

**Bifi**: Sorry Leo, but I'm in a rush. I have a demon to vanquish! Hey, ...guy...whose name I don't recall at the moment!

_Leo and Teshik raise their eyebrows. _

**Teshik**: You seem...awfully chipper after what happened a short while ago. Why?

**Bifi**: Well, why shouldn't I be chipper? After all, I'm Bifi! Why do you ask, Guy Whose Name I Forgot?

**Leo**: Bifi, were you hit on the head or something? This is Teshik...

**Teshik**: ...and I think you suck, and I hate you. Just so we're clear. But wait...you don't remember who I am at all? Weeeeeell...(_starts grinning_)

**Bifi**: Um...this Teshik guy is grinning. That means something bad is going to happen to me. Help?

**Leo**: At least this means she still has her basic survival instincts.

**Teshik**: Yeah. Pity, that.

---

_That evening. Attic.Bifi barges in. _

**Bifi**: Okay, there still were memories left. But reciting this spell again that didn't work last time, will surely help when I cast it the second time. (_finds the entry_). Ah. Here it is.

_After this cruel memory_

_Is seen and said, _

_Erase these thoughts_

_from my_

_heart and my head. _

_(By the way: for the following montage, I recommend hearing something classic: The French Can Can from Jaques Offenbach. Heh.)_

--FLASH--

_Lil'Bifi Roll is lying in her bed, a thunder scares her. She screams. We see a halloween pumpkin and a silhouette of a man in a cape, gesturing threatingly. He slices into the upper half of the bunk bed with his claws, grabs Bifi's sister and flies out into the night. _

--FLASH--

_Piper, Leo, Teshik and Bifi, in the attic. _

**Piper**: Leo? Look at this. (_holds out a jar with two things swimming in it, Leo squirms_)

**Bifi and Teshik**: Eww! EWW!

--FLASH--

**Piper**: And will you SHUT IT, MORON?

--FLASH--

_The back alley from 8-2, „Dex and the Shitty". The Glamorous Gals and Teshik stand on one side, Bifi, in her black „I'm a slutty lil' demon killer" outfit on the other. _

**Bifi**: Hi! I'm Bifi! I can do anything!

**Teshik**: Hi. I'm Teshik. You suck, and I hate you.

--FLASH--

_College. Bifi stands in front of a professor._

**Mrs. Slotkin**: ...and because you obviously found it more important to apply lip gloss than to actually appear at my lessons, you failed. Miserably. And no, you never may attend classes of me again. You Retard.

--FLASH--

**Teshik**: Permission to shut her up?

**Piper**: Granted.  
**Bifi**: WHAT? But..mmmpf mmff mmmmf! (_Teshik gags her_)

--FLASH--

_Bifi, Leo, and Teshik are up in the attic. Bifi accidentally lets loose of the Nunchaku, barely escaping the anvil launched from a catapult aimed at her head. _

--FLASH--

_Random High School. Teen Bifi, acne-covered, wearing horn-rimmed glasses and a loser outfit, is talking to a handsome guy her age. _

**High School Dreamboy**: You know, Bifi, it's not like I don't want to go out with you...well, to be honest, I totally don't. You're butt-ugly, have a body odor problem, and you're probably the stupidest thing on this planet. Now piss off, before someone sees me with you.

--FLASH--

**Bifi**: Aw. And I thought you were warming up to me and you're comfortable wearing nightgowns around me now.

**Paige and Teshik**: Shut up Bifi.

--FLASH--

_Bifi enters the kitchen. Teshik, his back turned towards her, grabs a knife from Piper and throws it over his shoulder. It misses Bifi by half an inch. _

--FLASH--

**Teshik**: Hey, Moron, I just met your aunt or something.

**Bifi**: Whuh? _(spins around, accidentally letting loose the Nunchaku. Teshik ducks, so it won't hit him)_

**Teshik**: Aaaah! (_gets up from the floor_) Grrr… Wait. If I attack you, it's self-defence now. Thanks. _(lets out primal scream, grabs the Nunchaku and proceeds to strangle her with it.)_

--FLASH--

_Magic School. Leo and Teshik bicker, while Bifi listens._

**Leo**: No Teshik, we just have to get out of here. Besides, Bifi's the only witch of us.

**Teshik**: Does that mean we are relying on HER to not get killed?

**Leo**: Pretty much.

**Teshik**: We're doomed, you know that?

**Leo**: …Pretty much.

--FLASH--

**Bifi**: Come on, Teshik! It'll be fun! I'm Bifi, nothing is more fun than hanging out with me! I'm the ideal of fun-ness!

_Teshik hits Bifi casually in her face with his fist. Bifi looks dazed. _

--FLASH--

_Grade School, Phys-Ed. Grade School Bifi, without the acne, but already wearing the horn-rimmed glasses and the loser outfit, enters the gym hall._

**Gym** **Teacher**: Dodge Ball !

_Grade School Bifi gets pummeled to the ground by a myriad of dodge balls._

--FLASH--

**Teshik**: ...and I think you suck, and I hate you. Just so we're clear.

--FLASH--

_Bifi, dressed as Alice in Wonderland, is slowly driven insane by cheap special effects and two demons. Not to mention the anthropomorphized playing cards. _

--FLASH--

_The balcony of Nance's apartment. Bifi, Maia, Paige, Phoebe and Teshik watch the fall of Nance. _

**Teshik**: Well, and while we're at it... (_he shoves Bifi over the railing, she falls_)

--FLASH--

_Alley. Bifi runs while The Demon Of The Opera throws her own vanquishing potions after her._

--FLASH--

_Bifi is standing on the landing of the Manor stairs. Teshik comes over from the living room, swings a baseball bat casually and directly into Bifi's face. _

**Bifi**: Owwww! That huhuhurrrrts!

--FLASH--

_Bifi, getting backhanded into next week by Haas._

--FLASH--

_Bifi looking up from a hole in the ground. She is lying in the bottom part of a coffin, bound and gagged. Teshik appears at the edge of the hole. _

**Teshik**: And greet Jenny from me, maggot-necked bitch!

_He throws the missing upper part of the coffing down the hole. We hear heaps of dirt landing on the coffin lid, while Bifi struggles. _

--FLASH--

---

_Kitchen again. Leo enters, having a nasty bruise on his right cheek._

**Piper**:What? You got in a fight? Leo, how did this happen ?

**Leo**: Well, this one asshat reporter was shoving his stupid camera basically down the Psycho's throat. I had to show him who's boss, after all.

**Piper**: Leo, you aren't anyones' boss, not even your own. We discussed this.

**Leo**: Yes I am! You're not ordering me around on errands anymore!

**Piper**: Oh Yeah? Well, just look at this mister, and tell me who's got the balls in the family! (_Holds up a jar). _

**Teshik**: Um, Piper? Not to disturb you while you're declaring yourself alpha-male in the ickiest way possible, but the jar...is empty.

**Piper**: (_looks at the jar_) What? How the fuck could this happen? I had even cast a spell to prevent him from getting these...

**Leo**: Easy. Wyatt orbed them for me.

**Teshik**: That? Just too disturbing for words. Ew! EWW!

**Piper**: Fine, have your stupid testicles back, I'll just take the pill again. Now be a nice husband and do the laundry.

**Leo**: How about you do the laundry for a change? It's not like you had trouble doing that before!

**Teshik**: Okay, fuck this. If I want to see people screaming insults at each other for no good reason, I'd've stayed home.

_He leaves the fighting couple alone and wanders into the hall. Just in time to see Bifi, in her season premiere Über-Ho outfit, complete with sunglasses, jumping down the stairs while executing a triple somersault._

**Bifi**: Greetings, fellow citizen! I am Bifi Roll, Tweenage Superwitch! Allow me to ask you: Where are we and what is your name?

**Teshik**: Ooooh...kay. (_to himself_) just embrace the insanities, Teshik, or they will destroy you. (_to Bifi_) You mean you have no idea who I am?

**Bifi**: No, but I am eager to make your acquaintance.

**Teshik**: And if I do this (_he grins_), what do you think of this?

**Bifi**: Oh, you are grinning. That probably means you are happy right now, and I have reasons to smile myself! (_she grins, too_)

**Teshik**: (_quietly_) Oh Thank you Gods! (_loud_) Well, Bifi, let me show you something...

_He leads Bifi back up the stairs again. When they are gone, Paige enters with a throng of reporters. _

**Paige**: ...**come** in, come **in**. So, **the** house was build **in** 1898, we'**re** actually **the** third genera**tion** to **own** it...

**Teshik**: (_shouting from upstairs_) 1906 after the quake, and you're in the fourth generation! Dim bitch!

_The reporters look in the direction of the stairs. _

**Paige**: Oh, **please** pay no at**tent**ion to my, **uh**...grandfather. He's **just** a bit senile, that's **all**.

**Teshik**: I heard that!

**Paige**: Let's conti**nue** into **the** kit**chen**, shall we?

_They wander into the kitchen. Leo and Piper are still there, arguing. _

**Piper**: (_shouting_) Dammit, give me back my testicles, you giant Dolt!

**Leo**: (_shouting, too_) Never! Not until you accept I am a living individual, you shrew!

**Piper**: Pah! You died sixty years ago, I have the certificate to prove it, accept that assho...(_sees the reporters_)...ho...holy shit Paige, what do you think you're doing!

**Paige**: I'm sho**wing** those fi**ne** reporters **a**round the house, **so** they'll see there**'s** nothing a**round** here except **us** uninteresting per**sons** living he**re**.

_The reporters make notes and murmur in the background. We can only make out a few words, like „testicle", „death certificate?" and „mentally ill". Leo looks horrified, while Piper's face is slowly turning red. And then magenta._

**Paige**: ...And **I **think we **will** now **leave** the kitchen, quick**ly**, before my sister **who** I love ve**ry** much does **some**thing she'll deep**ly** re**gret**. (_she shoos the mob out of the room_).

_The group wanders upstairs, where they find Phoebe and Wyatt, arguing over what seems to be a little baby jacket. Phoebe is naked above her jeans, covering her breasts with one arm, pulling at the sweater with another. _

**Phoebe**: Give that back to me, you little menace!

**Wyatt**: -STARES-

**Phoebe**: No, it's not one of your jackets. It's definitely my top!

**Wyatt**: -STARES-

**Phoebe**: Look at it, you're at least two sizes to tall for it!

**Wyatt**: -STARES-

**Phoebe**: Okay, that's it, I'm telling your mom you used the f-word again!

**Wyatt**: -STARES-

**Phoebe**: Crying won't help you now...

_She notices the reporters, who have seen the entire scene. And made pictures. Phoebe lets go of the sweater. The Psycho allows himself an evil little grin before he runs into one of the bedrooms and closes the door. She also notices Paige, who is twitching herself inton a seizure because of the stress._

**Paige**: An**ddddd** you **you** (_hunchbacks)_ you se**ee** there's **no**thing (_sprains_ _her_ _neck)_ **NOTHING** inte**rest**ing about (_purses_ _her_ _lips) _**us**, he**he**he...

**Phoebe**: Let me guess. You wanted to show these guys there's nothing to report about. You know, next time? Give us a five minute warning or so.

**Paige**: Sure **SURE** **wililill** (_twitch_) **dddoo**ooo...

**Phoebe**: (_to Paige_) Well, I guess you need a little time-out. And Valium. (_to the Reporters_) Okay, because my sister isn't feeling so well, you will now continue this little tour with me! Isn't that cool, huh?

_She throws out both arms, revealing her upper body completely in the process. Most of the reporters avert their eyes, two or three however(all male), take this opportunity to take lots and lots of pictures. Paige sees this and slides to the floor, unconscious. _

**Phoebe**: Oops. Erm, I guess I dress myself first. (_runs into her room_)

---

_Five minutes later. Phoebe is now wearing a top that reveals even more than when she was when naked, although this should be physically impossible. She leads the ladies and gentleman of the press upstairs towards the attic. _

**Phoebe**: And this is the last room of the house where **I**, Phoebe, awarded advice columnist, live with **my** sisters who love **me** very much. Uh...it's just a little dusty attic, so **I**'ll doubt you'll see anything interesting (_under her breath_) as long as my dimwit sister thought about putting the potions and the Book away...

_They enter the attic. There, we find Bifi, bound to a stone sacrificial altar with ancient mesoamerican glyphs on it. Teshik stands above her. He is wearing only a loincloth, has paint markings on his chest and face and feathers in his hair. He is holding a stone knife in both hands, his arms held high above him, ready to strike down. As Teshik sees the reporters and Phoebe, he freezes. _

**Teshik**: Phoebe?

**Phoebe**: Yes?

**Teshik**: Privacy? Or, at least, a WARNING?

**Phoebe**: Don't harp on me, this was Paige's idea.

**Teshik**: Figures.

**Phoebe**: Teshik?

**Teshik**: Yes?

**Phoebe**: What're you doing?

**Teshik**: Ritual Sacrifice?

**Phoebe**: Uh huh. We told you not to kill the Retard, you know that.

**Bifi**: It's all right Miss. Mr. Teshik has told me this is merely a religious ceremony.

**Phoebe**: Which religious ceremony?

**Teshik**: Ancient Aztec bloodletting.

**Bifi**: He told me it's very important for him, because the sun won't come up again tomorrow if I don't die today!

**Phoebe**: And you _agreed_ to it?

**Bifi**: Well, I'm Bifi! I'm just here to help!

**Nameless** **Reporter**: Excuse me, aren't you the senile grandfather from a short while ago?

**Teshik**: Uhhhh... kinda, but...

**Nameless** **Reporter**: Aren't you way too young for that?

**Teshik**: I aged well. Phoebe! Do something!

**Phoebe**: Yes, I'm thinking. But you're in a loincloth, it distracts me. You know you want me...

**Teshik**: Eeep! Phreebee, I have a knife, and I'm not afraid of using it.

**Phoebe**: Oh, Cole used to say that too. How romantic. C'mere, little Teshik...

_Teshik runs through the horrorstruck reporter mob out of the attic, Phoebe in hot pursuit. _

**Teshik**: AAAAHHH! PIPER, HEEELLLP!

**Bifi**: Excuse me? Could any of you people sacrifice me now?

---

_Aftermath. Paige comes into the living room. _

**Paige**: So, what **hap**pened the last **two** days while I **lay** in a shock-induced **co**ma?

**Piper**: Well, the press won't bother us again, thanks to an enormous cloud of memory dust, Leo has cooled down after I cast a spell to send him to Antarctica for a few hours, and Phoebe tried to move onto Teshik.

**Paige**: Oh **my**. Who **sur**vived?

**Piper**: Both of them. I called Dex to come over, and she went for Good Bye Sex after she saw him. By the way, Phoebe's not really pregnant. She peed on the wrong side of the damn thing again. Thank God, because Dex ran screaming into the night after he got loose.

**Paige**: And what **about** Bifi and **her** demon?

**Piper**: Well, the demon brought up a few repressed memories in her. Apparently, a demon kidnapped her sister while she was a kid. So she erased all painful memories with a spell and tried again. The moron. Oh well, the demon is vanquished, after all.

_Teshik enters. He has dirt all over his outfit and carries a shovel. He is grinning from ear to ear. _

**Teshik**: Hey guys! You never guess where I hid the Retard!

**Piper**: Hey. Why are you carrying that shovel?

**Teshik**: Ah ah ah! No clues!

**Paige**: Oh well, **time** to get the metal de**tector** again.

**Piper**: Meh. And people ask me why I want a freakin' normal life.


	6. Extra: A Very Jewish Christmas

**Extra: A very Jewish Christmas**

**WARNING**: If you are a believing Christian or Jew, easily offended, and you do not want to see your religion ridiculed to the nth degree, _back away slowly now_. Also, I want to remind y'all that I rated this fic M. So if you continue reading now, it's your own fault.

-

_December 24th, the Manor, outside. Our intrepid anti-heroes are trying to get the Christmas lights to work. So far, they have managed to get the christmas lights box out of the basement. They are standing now outside, at the backlot of the Manor. Piper is holding a drawing board with a checklist on it. It is rather long. _

**Piper**: Step One: Complete. Continue with Step Two: Gape at the mess the husband left the lights last January. (_She gapes, checks a box on her list_). Leo! How could you leave them this entangled! This is awful! We might need hours to fix this! (_checks another box on her list)_

**Teshik**: Piper? A checklist that needs points for „_Tripping over lightchain no.14_" and „_inappropiate cursing 1 & 2_" ? Isn't that a leeeettle bit too obsessive-compulsive?

**Phoebe**: Well, this _is_ Piper you're talking about.

**Teshik**: Point taken. Leo, how did you manage to tangle these things, by the way? They're a massive lump of cables.

**Leo**: There's a script for January, too.

**Teshik**: I pity you. Well, a little.

_They start disentangling the cables. _

**Teshik**: And I take the fact all these christmas lights are identical just add to the „fun", right?

**Piper**: Shush. Criticism of my script is not allowed before we check point 13.

**Phoebe**: You know, we could just use a spell to disentangle these. I mean, Charmed Ones and all, right?

**Piper**: „_Phoebe suggesting a personal gain spell_" - Check. Paige ?

**Paige**: (_annoyed_) W**h**at?

**Piper**: You know what Checkpoint five is. Do it. (_Checks_)

**Paige**: N**o**.

**Piper**: Come on. Or I'll blow you up. (_checks point no. 6 – Threatening to blow Paige up because of her refusal)_

**Paige**: Fine. **Shrew**. (_adopts irony-dripping voice_) Oh. My. **It** sure would **be** nice if **we** would **sing** some (_spits the word_) _**Christ**mas_ ca**rols** right **now**. Ecch.

_Phoebe and Leo roll their eyes at Paige's display of disgust. Teshik raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. _

**Piper**: „_Paige finally complies_" – Check. Well, Phoebe, why don't you start?

**Phoebe**: Since I have no choice one way or the other...

**Teshik**: Could you take one I already know the lyrics of? You know, no native speaker an' all.

**Phoebe**: Don't worry, we'll take 12 Days of Christmas. And we'll use our personalized version of the text.

**Teshik**: What's that supposed to mean?

**Phoebe**: (starts singing)

_On the first Day of Christmas, _

_My true love gave to me _

_A nasty case of gonnorhea._

**Teshik**: Ah. And ew.

**Leo**: (singing)

_On the second Day of Christmas, _

_My true love gave to me _

_Two sedated Kids, _

_And A nasty case of gonnorhea._

**Bifi**: Oh, this is ssso much fun, isn't it Teshik?

**Teshik**: Careful, or the next verse includes „Three killed Bimbos".

**Piper**: No killing on Christmas! Or I'll blow you up! „_Berating Teshik for Bifi death threats_", Check.

**Teshik**: I'm on this list, too?

**Piper**(_sings_)

_On the third Day of Christmas, _

_My true love gave to me _

_Three normal lives, _

**Leo and Phoebe**:.. ... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._ Two sedated Kids, _

**Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._And A nasty case of gonnorhea._

**Bifi** (_sings_)

_On the fourth Day of Christmasss_

_My true love gave to me _

_Four demon huntsss,_

**Piper and Leo**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Three normal lives, _

**Phoebe**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Two sedated kids, _

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _And A nasssty case of gonnorrhea. _

**Phoebe**:

_On the fifth Day of Christmas, _

_My true love gave to me _

_Fiiiiive glooorious Fuuuuucks!_

**Leo**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Four demon hunts, _

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Three normal livesss, _

**Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Two sedated kids, _

**Phoebe**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._And A nasty case of gonnorrhea._

**Piper**: Okay, Paige, your turn!...Paige?

**Paige**: Screw **you**, I'**m** not do**ing** this! Fuck **you** all! (_She stomps off._)

**Teshik**: What the hell is wrong with her today?

**Piper**: „_Paige storming off and hiding in the attic_" - Check. Fine. Teshik, you'll continue for her.

**Teshik**: Whatever.

**Teshik**: (_sings_)

_On the sixth Day of Christmas, _

_My true love gave to me _

_Six Paige needs a layin', _

**All**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Fiiiive glooorious Fuuuucks!_

**Phoebe** **and** **Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ._Four demon hunts, _

**Leo**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Three normal lives, _

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Two sssedated kidsss, _

**Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._And A nasty case of gonnorhea._

**Piper**:

_On the seventh Day of Christmas, _

_My true love gave to me _

_...Seven Psycho's STAREing, _

**Phoebe**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ._Six Paige needs a layin', _

**Leo** **and** **Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Fiiiive glooorious Fuuuucks!_

**Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Four demon hunts, _

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..._Three normal lives, _

**Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Two sedated kids,_

**Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._And A nasty case of gonnorhea._

**Bifi**:

_On the eightss Day of Christmasss, _

_My true love gave to me _

_Eight kidnapped sisssters, _

**Leo**: . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _...Seven Psycho's STAREing,_

**Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Six Paige needs a layin'_

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Fiiiive gloooriousss Fuuuucksss!_

**Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Four demon hunts, _

**Phoebe**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Three normal lives, _

**Piper** **and** **Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Two sedated kids, _

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _And A nasty case of gonnorhea._

**Leo**:

_On the ninth Day of Christmas, _

_my true love gave to me_

_Nine Pipers bitchin' - _

**Piper**: (_not singing_) Hey, so not true! Stupid asshole!

**Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Eight kidnapped sisters, _

**Phoebe and Bifi:** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._...Seven Psycho's STAREing, _

**Piper and Leo:** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Six Paige needs a layin'_

**All but Phoebe:** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Fiiiive glooorious Fuuuucks!_

**Phoebe**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Four demon hunts, _

**Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Three normal lives, _

**Bifi and Leo:** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Two sedated kids, _

**Leo**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._And A nasty case of gonnorhea._

**Teshik**:

_On the tenth Day of Christmas, _

_My true love gave to me _

_Ten sucky episodes, _

**Bifi and Phoebe: **.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ... .. .. _Nine Pipers bitchin',_

**Leo and Piper: **.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ._Eight kidnapped sisters, _

**Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ... _...Seven Psycho's STAREing_

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ._Six Paige needs a layin'_

**Phoebe and Piper:** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ... .. .. _Fiiiive glooorious Fuuuucks!_

**Leo**:.. .. ... .. ... .. ... .. ... .. ... .. ... .. ... .. ... .. . .. .. .. .. _Four demon hunts, _

**Teshik**:.. .. ... .. ... .. ... .. ... .. ... .. ... .. ... .. ... .. .. .. .. _Three normal lives, _

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Two sedated kids, _

**Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _And A nasty case of gonnorhea._

**Piper**:

_On the eleventh Day of Christmas, _

_My true love gave to me _

_Eleven Dolts a'freezing --_

**Phoebe and Teshik**: Eww. Did you have to dig that out?

**Bifi**: Did I miss an in joke or something?

**Leo**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Ten sucky episodes, _

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Nine Pipers bitchin',_

**Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Eight kidnapped sisters, _

**Phoebe**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _...Seven Psycho's STAREing, _

**Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Six Paige needs a layin', _

**Leo** **and** **Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Fiiiive gloooorious Fuuuucks!_

**Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Four demon hunts, _

**Phoebe** **and** **Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ._Three normal lives, _

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._Two sssedated kidss, _

**Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _And a nasty case of gonnorhea._

**Bifi**:

_On the twelvth day of Christmas, _

_my true love gave to me_

_Twelve layers lip-gloss, _

**Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Eleven Dolts a'freeezing_

**Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Ten sucky episodes_

**Leo**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Nine Pipers bitchin'_

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Eight kidnapped sisssters, _

**Piper**.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _...Seven Psycho's STAREing, _

**Teshik**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Six Paige needs a layin', _

**Phoebe**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Fiiiive gloooorious Fuuuucks!_

**Bifi**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Four demon hunts, _

**Piper**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Three normal lives, _

**Leo**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Two sedated kids, _

**All**: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. _Aaaaand a naaaaasty caaaase of gooooonooooorheeeeeeaaaa!_

_-_

**Teshik**: Well, that was certainly more fun than Silent Night.

**Piper**: I told you. We're the Queens of Christmas.

**Teshik**: Care to answer a question, oh mighty queen?

**Piper**: Shoot.

**Teshik**: It's the Day before Christmas. Shouldn't you have put this on weeks ago?

**Piper**: Ever had that problem when a Trok demon who shimmers in on the roof to spy on you, entangles himself in the various light chains and trips, and hanging strangled head(s)-first on the front of the solarium, gently rotting in the breeze for two weeks?

**Teshik**: Uhhh...No. And I think it's safe to assume this is not a very common problem. Why didn't you just blow the body up?

**Piper**: To be honest, our christmas lights never worked, or looked better. But for future years, we decided to wait until the day before Christmas.

**Phoebe**: And besides, our neighbors are either on crack the whole time or get killed by demons after a few month. So who really cares?

**Teshik**: Point taken.

---

_Christmas Day. Teshik enters the front door, singing/humming to himself. He wanders up the stairs, towards the attic._

**Teshik**:

_Joy to the World, I'll kill the Dip _

– _I'll stab her in the hip!_

_let the earth receive her blood, _

_let every heart prepare her grave, _

_the Twoppers'll make me king, _

_the Twoppers'll make me king, _

_the Twoppers, the Twoppers will make me king!_

_(Teshik enters the attic. Paige sits at the far end at the window, illuminated by the lightchains for dramatic effect)_

**Paige**: (_singing_)

_It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas.  
My sisters want me to join in stupid games.  
But I won't sing Christmas songs  
Or decorate a Christmas tree  
Or leave water out for Rudolph  
And there's nothing wrong with me.  
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity.  
I'm a Jew,  
A lonely Jew_

_I can't be merry  
Cause I'm Hebrew  
On Christmas._

**Teshik**: Oy veh. Der Plot thickens.

---

_Kid's room. Wyatt and Tiny Chris are playing with their toys on the floor. Then, Wyatt gets up. He goes to the door and STARES out into the hallway. After he confirmed no one is there, the closes the door. _

**Wyatt**: All right, all clear.

**Chris**: Good. -_zween_-

_He wipes the toys away telekinetically. Wyatt TK-orbs two microphones and sound boxes to the floor. They begin to sing, in Chorus, in unnatural bass voices. _

**Wyatt :** .. .. .. ... .. .. ... .. .. .. _duh, duh – duh duh, duh _.. .. .. ... .. .. .._duh, duh – duh duh, duh_

**and Chris:** .. .._Ba doo der dum _.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._ Ba doo der dum _

**Wyatt** .. .. .. ... .. .. ... .. .. .._ duh, duh – duh duh, duh _.. .. .. ... .. .. .._duh, duh – duh duh, duh_

**and Chris:** .. .. .. .. .._ I'm_ .. .. .. .. .. .. _dreamin' _.. .. .. .. .. .. .._ of a white _.. .. .. .. .. _Christmas _

**Wyatt** .. .. .. ... .. .. .. .. .. .. .._duh, duh – duh duh, duh _.. .. .. ... .. .. .._duh, duh – duh duh, duh_

**and Chris:** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._just like the ones _.. .. .. .. .. .._ I never knew_

**Wyatt:** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._ohhhhhhh-hoooooooo-hooooooo-hoooooo_

**and Chris:** .. .. .. .. .. _Where those tree-tops glisten _.. .. .. .._ and we children listen_

**Wyatt:** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ... .. .._ duh duh _... .. .._ duh duh, duh_

**and Chris:** .. .. .. .. .. . _to hear _.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._sleigh bells in the snow_

**Wyatt** .. .. .. ... .. .. ... .. .. .._ duh, duh – duh duh, duh _.. .. .. ... .. .. .._duh, duh – duh duh, duh_

**and Chris:** .. .._And I-I-I-I'm _.. .. .. .. .. .. .._dreamin' _.. .. .. .._of a white_ .. .. .. .. .._Christmas _

**Wyatt** .. .. .. ... .. .. ... .. .. .. _duh, duh – duh duh, duh _.. .. .. ... .. .. .._duh, duh – duh duh, duh_

**and Chris:** ... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._just like the ones _.. .. .. .. .. .._ I never knew_

**Wyatt:** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._ohhhhhhh-hoooooooo-hooooooo-hoooooo_

**and Chris:** .. .. .. .. .. _Where those tree-tops glisten _.. .. .. .._ and we children listen_

**Wyatt:** .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ... .. .. _duh duh _... .. .._ duh duh, duh_

**and Chris:** .. .. .. .. .. ._ to hear _.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .._sleigh bells in the snow_

**Wyatt**:(_breaking_ _song_) Shh! Someone's coming!

**Chris**: Shit. _-zween-_

_They orb and tk away the boxes and microphone and get back their toys. We hear a faraway „tromptrompTrompTrompTROMPTROMP" that gets louder quickly. And if you have real good ears, you'll hear a very high „eeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEE"-sound that borders the edge of the ultrasonic. _

_Someone is yanking the door open. It is Phoebe, out of breath._

**Phoebe**: GIVE ME YOUR SPERM!

**Chris**: goo-gah?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: Huh? Wasn't a manly fertile man ready to be taken a moment ago right here?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: I could have sworn. He had such a beautiful singing voice...

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: Oh well. He must be around somewhere. Heeeeeeeere Daddy Daddy daddy daddy...(_she walks off_)

**Wyatt**: Told ya she would hear us.

**Chris**: I think I just made a mess in my diapers.

**Wyatt**: (_smirks_) You know she wants you, little brother...

**Chris**: I'll definitely end up gay if this keeps up.

**Wyatt**: Don't worry. She won't be around in The New Order.

**Chris**: Why does everything has to revolve around your World Domination plans?

**Wyatt**: Destiny had me twice-blessed, babe.

**Chris**: Oh whatever.

---

_The attic, a moment later, Paige has finally noticed Teshik._

**Teshik**: Okay, first order of business? You have quite a nice singing voice. And no twitches at all. Second order of business? The FUCK? You're Jewish? Since when?

**Paige**: I've al**ways** been. After **all**, my fos**ter** parents **were**.

**Teshik**: You know, „Matthews" isn't a very common Jewish name.

**Paige**: (_snits_) **You** know, sometimes **peo**ple convert **to** Judaism. Like my fa**ther** did after **he** married.

**Teshik**: Oh. Sorry to propagate the stereotype. But let's face it, you never brought it up before.

**Paige**: Actually, **I** have.

**Teshik**: And why did I never catch this before?

**Paige**: Win**ter** hi**a**tus.

**Teshik**: Good explanation. But neither Leo nor Phoebe or Piper ever asked you about...um, let me rephrase that. But Piper never asked you about your religion?

**Paige**: Pi**per**, the Christ**mas** Na**zi**? Never. Or **it** would spoil **her** perfect **holi**day.

**Teshik**: Paige, one of the very few things my parents told me that wasn't complete bullshit, was „Don't call anyone a Nazi, unless you really, really mean it." So if you don't want to equalize your sister with sadistic mass murderers, you'd better take that back.

**Paige**: O**kay**, **o**kay. I'll **take** it back. Can I **still** call her **the** Christmas Ass?

**Teshik**: Of course.

**Paige**: An**y**ways, since Piper **would** never ever **ruin** her perfect **normal** Christmas, **I** can't ce**le**brate Hanuk**kah** like I **used** to, **and** this whole „**We're** Christians, let's celebrate **it**"-vibe naturally **irritates** me might**ily**. And **the** less said **about** shopping **in** December, the **bet**ter.

**Teshik**: Believe me, it's torture for Christians, too. I ostentatively leave every store immediately that tries to feed me Wham's Last Christmas. Or the same Rock Christmas CD every year, over and over.

**Paige and Teshik**: And over, AGAIN.

**Paige**: Bah, **I** guess **it's** hopeless. Piper'll **never** accept me **the** way **I** am.

**Teshik**: Aw, don't worry Paige. I'll talk to Piper, and I'm sure after that we'll have the most marvellous Holiday season ever and WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

**Paige**: Beg **your** pardon?

**Teshik**: I'm writing a parody about all those stoopid Christmas fashions here. And just now, I had been ready to agree to be the _catalyst_ in one of those ridiculous stories! „Rudolph the Reindeer saves Christmas!", „Timmy the Tinsel-Angel saves Christmas!", „Mandy the Baby Sea Lion saves Christmas!", „Harry _Fuckin_' _Potter_ saves Christmas!" Goddammit! No way! NO WAY!

**Paige**: Well, tech**nica**lly, you won't **save** Christmas. You'll save **Hanuk**kah.

**Teshik**: I admit, that's a twist, but still. I'd look like some of those Scrooge types suddenly realizing their inner warmth and shit. Please. If I ever admit I actually have a heart and like you guys, this fanfic is soo dead. Who wants to read this if I don't bash you?

**Paige**: Well. But **if** you won't do an**y**thing, who _will_ **save** Christmas?

_They think about other characters who recently got added to the credits. _

**Teshik**: Oh Shit.

_We hear a known clomp-clomp-clompity-clomp up the stairs. Someone is singing a Christmas Carol, just slightly wrong. It is painful._

**Bifi**: ...and man will live, foooorevermore, becaussse of Christmasss day! - While Shepherdsss watch their flock by night...(_she enters the attic. She is armed with a tinsel gun, spraying tinsel confetti all over the place_) Oh! Hi Teshik, Hi Paige! I didn't know you were here!

**Teshik**: And how we wish we weren't right now.

**Bifi**: Awww, what's the matter? You two look like you two aren't feeling christmassssy right now!

_Paige and Teshik answer with silence and stony faces. The fact they just got accidentally sprayed with tinsel confetti doesn't help. _

**Bifi**: Ooooh, I know! I'll get something that sure will get you into the right holiday spirit! After all, I'm Bifi! (_she runs off_)

**Paige**: I'm **in** hell.

**Teshik**: You and me both, sister. (_they shake off the confetti off their clothes and hair_). Fine. FINE. I'll do something to save your heathen pagan holiday. But for the record: I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this to thwart any efforts Bifi is undergoing right now. Are we clear?

**Paige**: Crystally. Mmmmh, that **reminds** me...

**Teshik**: No more rocks, Paige. You promised.

**Paige**: Bum**mer**.

---

_Paige and Teshik descend the stairs and walk towards the living-room. Very slowly. _

**Paige**: Why **are** we walking **like** my great-grand**ma** after her Va**lium**?

**Teshik**: Plot-wise, we are about to see the fruits of Bifi's asinine plan. That probably means whatever happens in the living-room, it will probably border on the edges of bad taste, such as...

_They walk through the doorway. Inside, there has been created a giant replica of the Nativity Scene. Piper and Leo are in Bathrobes, representing Joseph and Mary, Tiny Gay Chris lies in the crib, and Phoebe and Wyatt wear little crones. Bifi, dressed as a maggot-necked angel, complete with the tin-foil halo and plastic wings, welcomes them. She is holding a third tin foil crone in her hand._

**Teshik**: ...this, for instance.

**Bifi**: Welcome, you two! You're just in time! Teshik, you will play the third Wise Man. Paige, please sssit down and enjoy the show!

**Paige**: Not **again**. Fight **or** Flight?

**Teshik**: I'm undecided. Right now, my fist is itching. And what do you mean, again?

**Paige**: Piper's **pulled** this stunt before. **It** should remind me **that** there still beats **a** Christian heart **in** me some**where**, and some **such** bullshit.

**Teshik**: You all really need a group therapy. Just sayin'.

**Paige**: Piper, **how** many times **do** I have to tell you? I'm **not** celebrating Christmas **with** you! I'm Jewish, Fuck **it**!

**Piper**: Paige, dammit, you're not going to ruin my perfectly normal holiday. No one will! You understand?

**Teshik**: Oooh, she challenged us to ruin Christmas.

**Paige**: I hear **you**. Wanna bail?

**Teshik**: The alternative is bearing Bifi. Of course.

_They go into the hallway and get their jackets. _

**Piper**: I'm warning you two! Step out this door and you'll never enter it again! You hear me! I mean it!

**Teshik**: She's using double exclamation marks. She seems to be really pissed. (_he hands Paige her scarve_) McDonalds or BurgerKing?

**Paige**: Meh, Mc **is** so full on Christmas **day**. Too many pissed **off** teenagers. King has **more** of the thrown **out** husbands, the quiet cry**ing** types.

**Teshik**: Really? It's the other way round in Europe.

**Piper**: THIS IS MY VERY LAST WARNING!

**Teshik**: Someone really is going to pop an aneurysm if we walk out that door.

**Paige**: Meh. Wyatt**'ll** heal her.

_They are about to leave when they hear Bifi's voice._

**Bifi**: I think it's time for my awesome blondness backup plan.

_They do not think X-mas is real_

_But those who do not hear will feel_

_She throws a potion bottle at Paige's and Teshik's feet. They are engulfed in a Swirl of Golden Glowing Golfballs, and vanish. _

---

_Beit Lechem, 7:15 PM. Oh, and 2 Years Before Christ, around September 12th. Paige and Teshik materialize. They are wearing time-period appropriate clothes. Teshik is without glasses now, but equipped with a beard and sidelocks, and Paige is sitting on a donkey. She is pregnant. _

**Teshik**: (_his eyes closed_) Did Bifi just vanquish us?

**Paige**: **Um**...No.

**Teshik**: Will I scream in terror if I open my eyes?

**Paige**: Pro**bab**ly.

_Teshik breathes slowly in and out, winces, then opens his eyes. He takes in the surroundings, Paige's appearance, then looks down at himself. He touches his beard._

**Teshik**: I'm...having a beard.

**Paige**: Yes.

**Teshik**: Does that mean I'm evil now?

**Paige**: No, **no** fake Eng**lish** accent.

**Teshik**: Oh. Good. (_looks down again_) I think I am standing in a heap of cow shit.

**Paige**: I don't **think** the cow meant it that **way**.

**Teshik**: Can you please kill me now?

**Paige**: No. **I'm** fairly sure **the** Bible doesn't have **a** passage with „and lo **and** behold, Virgin Mary grabbed a sledge **hammer** and killed her husband." **in** it.

**Teshik**: Pity. Okay, since I can't let my anger out by killing the Retard, what shall we do now?

**Paige**: I dunno **about** you, but the Lord **and** Saviour is kicking me in **the** kidneys right now. I have **to** pee.

**Teshik**: This is going to be a loooong night.

---

_A little later. Paige is waddling out of the bushes, a little relieved. _

**Paige**: Uch. I can't pos**sibly** imagine why **Phoebe** so desperately wants **to** be pregnant. Well, did **you** find out any**thing** while I was searching **for** bushes without thorns?

**Teshik**: Well, first of all, you don't have any powers around here.

**Paige**: How **do** you know?

**Teshik**: I heard your increasingly desperate attempts to summon toilet paper or something similar.

**Paige**: Oh.

**Teshik**: Then, I'm suspecting we're at the outskirts of Bethlehem, or some other suburb of Jerusalem. Furthermore, I suspect that socks were introduced to finally get rid of the excrements-between-your-toes-problem, and I now know that peyots irritate the hell out of me. Oh, and I found out our donkey can ignore me on command: (_to the donkey_) Hey! C'mere!

(_The donkey ignores him._)

**Teshik**: See? Plus, since there's a bright star – or stars, I dunno – shining above us, I'm gathering your little messiah will pop out quite soon.

**Paige**: Well **then**, shouldn't we...be **some**where else **right** now? Like **at** home, or **an** inn or something? Preferibly near **an** ex**pe**rienced midwife?

**Teshik**: Yeah, that's the issue. According to legend, Joseph and Mary trampeled up and down of that hicktown down there, only to find every inn was occupied anyways. That's why they used some people's barn.

**Paige**: So, **what's** your plan?

**Teshik**: Well, the way I see it, we have to choices : Either we run up and down the city and get nasty blisters, following the legend, even though we know it's a futile attempt; or we simply sit on our asses in the hope one of the other Manor Morons regains his or her senses and gets us back.

_Paige suddenly looks very unconfortable. _

**Paige**: And **what** if my **water** just broke, **even** though **I** haven't even **had** labour before, **because** Contrivance **hates** us, do you think **we** could search for **a** -_hrrrrrnnnnnghh_- stable **then**?

**Teshik**: I certainly hope we won't have to stay...that...long...oh please. _Please_ no.

---

_Back at the Manor. Piper and Leo are interrogating Bifi. _

**Piper**: So what exactly was the intent of your spell? I sure hope you didn't mean to vanquish them?

**Bifi**: Well, I just wanted them to understand the True Meaning of Christmasss!

**Leo**: And what is the True Meaning in your understanding?

**Bifi**: Now, that's easy, Leo! It's...that people should be merry... and stuff on Christmas and... presents. And Christmas Trees! And sssinging Christmas Carols! And...lighting candles and... Christmas meals and ... chocolate and... I dunno, that's about it.

**Piper**: I don't get it. If that's all you wanted, the two of them should be here. Granted, they would be magically cheered up to the point of the unbearable, but still.

**Bifi**: Yeah, that was kinda what I wanted them to be...

**Leo**: Uhhhh...Piper?

**Piper**: Not now, Leo, girls are talking. Shush.

**Leo**: But I know where they could be right now.

**Piper**: And where would that be?

_Leo says nothing, instead points towards the Nativity Scene in the living room. _

**Piper**: What do you mean, the living room...oh. Oooohhhh FUCK. Major fuck. Paige is so going to kill us.

**Bifi**: Is there something over there?

**Piper**: Bifi, you are going to tell me the ingredients of the potion you used, and you'll tell me NOW. We need a counter-spell, pronto.

---

_Later, living room. The potion is prepared. With a nasty sideglance to Bifi, Piper steps forward and recites the following spell: _

**Piper**:

_The retards spell went truly wrong, _

_We want them back where they belong._

_Paige and Teshik materialize directly in the middle of the Nativity Scene. They are still wearing the clothes they wore in Beit Lechem, but Paige's headscarf is missing. Paige is lying in a bunch of straw. She looks like she has been run over by several trucks, repeatedly, and **then** was hung away wet. Teshik looks quite normal, although he sports an irritating twitch at his right eye now. _

**Teshik**: Not to disturb you Paige, but our stable just shrunk.

**Bifi**: Hey! You're back! Well, did you enjoy your trip?

**Paige**: We're back? **Oh**. Good. (_shouting and raising her arm_) **Christ**mas Tree!

_The Christmas tree dissolves in a cloud of orbs and rematerializes next to Bifi, swiping her off the floor and into the nearest wall. Bifi looks dazed. _

**Piper**: I guess that means we didn't get her out in time. Paige, honey? You all right?

**Paige**: Christ**mas** Tree! **Christ**mas Tree! Christmas **Tree**! (_The tree dissolves three further times to smack into Bifi)_

**Teshik**: (_smiling unnaturally_) Piper! Phoebe! Leo! Soooo good to see you! Let me hug you! (_He hugs Piper, then Phoebe, then Leo_) It's soo nice to be back! Don't you agree?

**Phoebe**: Why does my back feel so wet and icky all of a sudden?

**Paige**: Christ**mas** Tree! -**_wronk_**- Broken **Christmas** Tree! -**_wronk_**- Remains **Of** Christmas Tree! -**_wronk_**-

**Teshik**: (_drops the fake smile_) Well, let's see, we were in a stable two thousand years ago, BIRTHING A CHILD with no help at all, and since I didn't have time to wash my hands, they might have been a little sticky, what with the PLACENTA and all.

**Paige**: Re**mains** of...oh fuck it. **Dining** Room Table! -**_kabronk_**- Dining **Room** Table! -**_kabronk_**-

**Piper**: Shit. The dining room table is brand new.

**Teshik**: I wouldn't stop her if I were you. She just birthed a child. And is pissed.

**Piper**: Guess what, I have birthed two of them.

**Teshik**: Yeah, the first orbed out of your womb by himself and for the second you were on heavy painkillers.

**Piper**: Touché.

**Paige**: **Dining** Room Table! -**_kabronk_**- **Dining** Room Table! -**_kabronk_**- **Dining** Room Table **With** A Bifi-Sized Dent In It ! -**_kabronk_**-

**Leo**: Well, weren't there some locals to help you?

**Teshik**: The family who owned the stable, I guess, was there. But the two-liner of the Retard didn't equip us with a Hebrew Language Pack, so all we could do was point at Paige's belly and smile apologetically.

**Leo**: But Paige is a Jew. Shouldn't she know Hebrew?

**Teshik**: Show me the passage in Sch'ma Jisraël – or the Siddur in general where you can find the sentence „Excuse me, my wife who isn't really my wife has to give birth right now, and we couldn't just stay at home because of the tax policies of an idiotic Roman gouvenor, so could you alert the local midwife to assist us, please?" and I'm willing to see your point, _Dolt_. Anyways, Paige and I gave them a crash course in English, Spanish, German and Lower Saxon. Well, the profanities, at least.

**Paige**: Dining Room **Table** With A **Bifi** Relief! -**_kabronk_**-

**Piper**: I think this could take a while. Leo, could you get the old dining room table from the basement? I want to set up for dinner.

**Teshik**: Fine. That gives me time to shave and change. And shower. And vomit.

---

_This evening. The living room is cleaned up, and even the Christmas tree is back. It reeks of a personal gain spell. However, there are notable differences: The Nativity Scene is gone, in the front window stands a Chanukkia (only one candle is burning yet), and the angel on top of the Christmas tree is replaced by a Star of David. The Manor Morons and Teshik are sitting on the floor. Paige and Teshik have changed and cleaned themselves, and Teshik has shaved, but retained the sidelocks. They are wearing Kippot, except for Tiny Chris, who decided to chew his instead. Wyatt is aiming – I mean, playing – with his new toys. The adults are playing Dreidl with pennies. _

**Leo**: Is this a gants or a halb again?

**Paige**: Nei**ther**. It's **a** nun, mea**ning** nischt – you **get** nothing, **lose** nothing.

**Phoebe**: Couldn't we just scribble real letters next to them? Or color it or something?

**Paige**: No. De**facing** the Book of **Shadows** with sharpies **is** one thing, but my **Dreidl** is **to** be left alone.

**Teshik**: And besides, it's not like there are many letters on there. (_takes the Dreidl_) Look. The thing that looks like one of those Stonehenge gate thingys is _Hej_ – halb, and the mutated candlelabrum here is _Shin_ – shtell ejn. The _Nun_ and the _Gimel_ are trickier, but the _Gimel_ has this extra brush to it so it looks like a high heel at the bottom. (_puts it back on the floor and spins it_)

**Piper**: I'm still uncomfortable with this. I mean, are we even allowed to wear skullcaps if we're no Jews?

**Leo**: Relax, honey. Dont'cha wanna broaden your horizons?

**Piper**: Fine, fine. I'm, like, totally open-minded right now. Happy? Now, do I finally get an answer where Bifi is?

**Phoebe**: Why, because you care so much about her?

**Piper**: No, because I don't want to be anywhere near when the police finds the body. Our file is large enough as it is.

**Teshik**: Calm down, Piper. We didn't even kill her.

**Piper**: You didn't? Oh God. Does that mean she's lying in a stable somewhere now?

**Teshik**: Don't be ridiculous. Seeing Paige and meas the first things in his life probably scared the Baby Jesus enough. Seeing Bifi would traumatize him forever.

**Paige**: No, **we** just showed **her** the True **Meaning** of **Christ**mas.

**Piper**: And that would be?

**Teshik**: We celebrate the fact that, about two thousand years ago, a Jewish woman gave birth to a little boy.

**Paige**: And we most **certainly** _don't_ celebrate a bearded **old** guy dressed in Coca-**Cola** colors sitting at his **hut** at the North **Pole**, creating Furby Dolls, Barbie **Dream** Houses and He-Man Action **Figures **for little **brats** who don't really **appreciate** it.

**Piper**: Okay, I get it, commercialism sucks. But where _is_ Bifi?

**Paige**: Don't worry, **she'll** be here in **time** for February **sweeps**.

_Cut to the North Pole, where we don't find Santas Toy Factory (he outsourced it towards Taiwan years ago) . Instead, we see an ill-dressed Bifi stepping through the snow. _

**Bifi**: W-w-wh-wh-white C-c-c-c-chris-is-istmassss s-ss-sss-sssucksssss!

--

--

--

--

--

--

--

--

-draws breath-

**Heavy Greetings, Thank You and/or apologies to: **

Alyna Kuirt, aponoia, Baranxi, BeatriceBlake, Blue Plastic, BlueOrbs998, brittania, chaoshamster, charmingaussie, DeliriumTremens, Demian, DianaD, DiePhoebeDie, ebonygoddess, Frenna, hazza123, Just'sin, LazyBum1551, Loco Lady, Lovesick Ass, makemygay, Maracev1, MaryK, Melissa Rae, MissKit, newtocharmed1, OrbingPunk, payndz, peliroja, phoenix193, pitaC89, PragmaticChaos, Primzahl Nr. 10, raes19, rallygal, redbirds, RubberDucky801, sailorwind, SaraWolfe, Summer16, The Done One, thelephant, VoiceOfBetty, warped24, xtremesage, Zoned Out and several other people I most certainly forgot.

Also: Perry Como, Barry White, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

No thanks to Wham and their stupid song, though.

No thanks to FanFictions stoopid format restrictions either, that had me reformatting all song texts at least thrice. Yes, I really MEAN it if I use the tabulator or returnkey. Goddammit.

Songs featured and/or abused:

Perry Como – Twelve Days of Christmas

Barry White – White Christmas

South Park – I'm A Jew (Ep. 1x10 – Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo)

Mary's Boy Child

Joy to the world


	7. 8:7 The Lost My Mind Show

**8-7 The Lost My Mind Show**

_Attic. Where else. Bifi is scrying over a map of the US. Teshik and Paige enter. _

**Teshik**: Mornin', Retard. Any success in...uh...you...but...uh...

**Paige**: What's with **him**? (_smacks Teshik in the back of my head_)

**Teshik**: Thanks. I needed that.

**Paige**: Care to **explain** what it **was**?

**Teshik**: Deep conscientious conflict. I...actually had something nice to say. About...(_his head tilts towards Bifi_) .

**Paige**: And **what** would **this** be?

**Teshik**: That the hair of ...(_he points towards Bifi while looking the other way_)...is pretty darn good-looking the way it is. And furthermore? No eyeshadow and almost decent clothing. She...could even pass as a human being this way. Maggot-necked, but human.

**Bifi**: (_sounding very tired_) Why, thank you Teshik for complimenting me. And that even though I didn't flat-ironing my hair and put on make-up this morning

**Teshik**: And then again, when she opens her mouth...You disfigure yourself on purpose that way? Why?

**Bifi**: Well...

_-FLASH-_

_High School._

**Teen Bifi**: But I can change, Eric! Please!

**Eric**: What could you do to possibly detract me from that god-awful maggot-neck of yours? Paint on a gallon of eye shadow, dye your hair blonde, stuff out your bra, get me drunk, _and_ bribe me with money, and I still won't fuck you.

**Teen** **Bifi**: (_to herself_) Only one way to find out...

---

_Later, at Erics home. He wakes up._

**Eric**: God, that was a fucked up dream. (_He rolls over, and to his horror sees Teen Bifi on the other side)_

**Teen** **Bifi**: Oh really? Tell me about it, honey. After all, I'm Teen Bifi. You can tell me anything!

**Eric**: But I thought...you...I...oh God...did we...? (_Teen Bifi nods_) Oh HEEEELLLL!

_Eric, still naked, stumbles out of his bed towards his window, and jumps right through it. _

**Teen** **Bifi**: Shit. Note to self: No boys in higher-altitude apartments.

_-FLASH-_

**Bifi**:...I don't wanna talk about it. Suffices to say it brings me luck. Kinda.

**Teshik**: I would ask you why you aren't applying it now, since you need luck to find your stoopid sister, but a smart inner voice of me just told me not to.

**Paige**: How **are** you trying to **find** her, **any**ways?

**Bifi**: Well, I used a spell to tune in the crystal on the person who needs me the absolutely most at this moment. This surely must be my sister. And if not, it is another poor fellow who really needs me to be there. For the last few minutes, I have zoned in on Chicago. I still can't pinpoint the exact location, but im sure she is there somewhere.

**Teshik**: Chicago? Hmm...(_he steps nearer. The crystal suddenly jerks up and hovers in the air, pointing directly towards Teshik._)

**Paige**: What **the** fuck?

**Bifi**: (_perks up_) Sis? Are you glamoured?

**Teshik**: Oh, can it, doofus. And give me the crystal for a moment.

_Bifi hands him the crystal. He holds it, and it hovers in the air like before, but now, it points towards Bifi. _

**Teshik**: Ah. (_to Bifi_) You really are as dumb as you're tall, right?

**Bifi**: What do you mean?

**Paige**: You **somehow** managed to screw up **the** spell. It does **point** out the person who **needs** **you** the absolutely _least_ at this **moment**.

**Teshik**: And while we're at things you don't need at the moment: It seems it never occured to you that your sister was taken by a _demon_, now does it?

**Bifi**: Of course it did, silly! This is why I have to find her!

**Teshik**: Bifi? Demons normally doesn't kidnap little children to raise them as their little demon offsprings. They prefer to _kill_ them. That's why the Charmed Ones are normally _after_ them. Your sister was taken over a decade ago. The most likely scenario is that Mr. Not-Demon-Of-The-Opera took her home to eat her internal organs while she was still alive and conscious, and all you can scry for now is a mummified heap of ancient demon poo.

**Bifi**: (_eyes filling with tears_) But...my sis...she...WAAAAH! (_runs out of the room, crying_)

**Paige**: You **know**, that **was** cold and heart**less**.

**Teshik**: What? You know I'm definitely not the most polite person in the world. Plus, one of you could have discussed the dead sister part with her before.

**Paige**: Actually, **we** did.

**Teshik**: And? What did she say?

**Paige**: Nothing, real**ly**. She **just** blinked. After a **few** times, we **stop**ped trying.

**Teshik**: Well then, be thankful I finally crammed it into her skull today.

**Paige**: And pro**bab**ly com**plete**ly shattered her fra**gile** psyche.

**Teshik**: One can only hope. Aren't you going to comfort her?

**Paige**: Meh. Peptalk **is** Leo's job. **What** am I, **her** whitelighter?

**Teshik**: Technically, yes.

**Paige**: Let me **re**phrase that. What **am** I, her com**petent** and caring white**light**er?

**Teshik**: Better. How about we get some Fruit Loops?

**Paige**: Okay.

--

_Kitchen. Paige and Teshik enter. Leo and Piper are already there, discussing the shopping list. _

**Paige**: Hey **Guys**. Whassup?

**Leo**: Honey?

**Piper**: (_annoyed_) Yeah, what?

**Leo**: No, I meant do we need honey?

**Piper**: (_gives him a nasty look, then searches the kitchen cabinet_) Yes. Put it down the list.

**Paige**: I'm very **certain** she didn't add „**you** stupid asshole" **at** the end, but I'm still sure I **heard** it.

**Teshik**: Oh joy. Sniping and screeching. I feel so at home all of a sudden.

**Piper**: (_sniping_) We're not sniping. Everything's peachy.

_Phoebe barges in, snatches the newspaper._

**Phoebe**: Hey guys, could we get over the exposition blather real quick? _I_ have men to fu...I mean, _I_ have errands to run.

**Teshik**: Then again, my sister would never appear in her nephews clothing. Phoebe? You got an asscrack on the front.

**Phoebe**: Yeah. Isn't that great? _I_ bet you and Leo would get horny as hell if_ I_ didn't mask _myself_ with this newspaper.

**Teshik**: Ew. No. Why should we?

**Phoebe**: _I _saw this on Discovery Channel the other day. Apparently, when Man began to walk on two legs, the primary sexual organ wasn't in plain sight anymore. So women developed breasts, to remind the men there's still an ass around somewhere on us.

**Paige**: (_looks down onto her gazongas_) You **mean** these are **really** my third and fourth **ass** cheek?

**Phoebe**: In a way, yeah.

**Paige**: Evolution **sucks**.

**Teshik**: I agree. Also, I have this weird urge to kick you in the FunBags now all of a sudden. Could we change topic, please?

**Paige**: Yeah. **Ex**po**si**tion. I wanna get **back** my old job at SO**CIAL** SER**VI**CES, and my **car's** running on fumes, so **could** I borrow your **car**?

**Teshik**: WHY DON'T YA ORB THE FUCKING GUN YA DIM BITCH!

_Everyone stops for a second to look at him._

**Paige**: Huh?

**Teshik**: Ahem. Sorry. Reflex. Carry on.

_The Manor Morons resume their respective activities. _

**Phoebe**: No, _I_ need _my_ car today. Why don't you ask Piper?

**Piper**: _(to Leo)_...and when I say I need TWO cans of corn, I MEAN TWO cans, not ONE, not THREE, I need TWO!

**Paige**: No **way**. I want to **live**.

**Leo**: _(pissed)_ Fine. And how many cartons of eggs does the almighty Piper need?

**Phoebe**: Oh, _I _don't need eggs. Eggs _I_ have, it's the sperm _I _need.

**Paige**: Gross.

**Teshik**: Totally.

**Phoebe** (_reading the ads, mumbling to herself_) ...extra large...call 555-LUBRICATE...hm. Oh well, gotta go, there's a sale on much needed chemicals, er... spell...components _I_ have to get. See ya! _(She leaves). _

**Piper**: Chemicals? That reminds me. Leo? Die.

**Leo**: Fuck you, too.

**Piper**: No, Fuckwit, I meant we need DYE. Hair Dye. Dolt.

**Paige**:(_to Teshik_) We're out of Fruit **Loops**, but we still have Lucky **Charms** cereal that keeps appearing here for some **reason**. Want some?

**Teshik**:(_to Paige_) Shh, don't interrupt. She might blow him up any minute now. (_grabs the cereal box without looking)_

**Leo**: You could have said hair dye in the first place, you shrew.

**Piper**: Don't get me angry, you no-good husband of mine. You can't handle me angry.

**Leo**: You know what? Screw this. Make your goddamn shopping list alone! (_throws the pen onto the table, stands up and leaves)_

**Piper**: Leo? Come back this instant! Don't you dare walk away from me! **LEO**!

_She flings out her hands into the general direction of the empty hallway. In the same instant, all light bulbs in the room and several coffee mugs explode. So do the cereal bowls of Paige and Teshik, showering both with cereal and milk._

**Paige**: So **much** for **break**fast.

**Teshik**: I know why I don't come here with good clothing anymore. (_both wipe cereal off their faces)_

**Paige**: This is **definitely** getting out of **hand** now.

**Teshik**: Yeah. I'll go after the Dolt. You stay here and calm down Carrie.

---

_Bathroom. We see a silhouette behind the shower curtain ...well, showering. Duh. Sam, Sam the Whitelighting Man orbs in. _

**Sam**: Hello...oh, sorry. I didn't know you were showering. It's me, Sam, your Dad. I really need your help right now, it's because of an old charge of mine...Will you help me? (_notices the clothing on the floor)_ Hey, since when are you wearing glasses?...Why aren't you saying anything?

**Paige**: (_looking through the bathroom door_) Hey, are you **done** yet, I'm getting all **sticky**...Sam? What are **you** doing here?

**Sam**: But...when you're there...

**Teshik:**(_from behind the shower curtain_)...then **you** are a goddamn idiot because you can't discern between your own daughter and a short-haired GUY. Now get out, you pervert!

---

_Five minutes later, second floor hall. Teshik exits the bathroom, dressed and drying his hair with a towel. Paige hastily flees inside to get the cornflakes off her. _

**Sam**: Erm. Sorry for that.

**Teshik**: I had worse experiences. Although, haunting your adult daughter while she's in the shower is considered creepy in this country. Or any other. Just sayin'.

**Sam**: Well, actually I wanted to orb into the dining room, but the damn thing moved again.

**Teshik**: Yeah, I know. It's even worse on Tuesdays.

**Sam**: So... are you two...you know...?

**Teshik**: We two are wh...what? No. That one was...a freak accident involving cereal. Plus, Paige doesn't shower after a nookie. You should know that, Sam.

**Sam**: How do you know who I am? I haven't been here for three years!

**Teshik**: Buddy? I was there when you and Paige first met. Don't you remember?

_-FLASH-_

_Back alley. Teshik - version '02 (sporting an unfortunate short haircut) and Paige - version '02 (with red hair and a /very/ red lipstick – but without spasms) are strolling in. _

**Teshik** (_with slight German accent_) ...but you haven't met Phoebe before she fell for Cole. Hell, she vas _likable_. And not everything revolved around her. And ever since Piper got pregnant, she's not much help either, since she's alvays occupied with stoopid majickal hijinks.

**Paige**: I know. But we'll get around that eventually. It'll get better. You'll see.

**Teshik**: Your vord in God's ear. Hey, vatch out!

_Sam gets thrown onto the street by the barkeeper. He lands directly in front of Paige's feet, and proceeds to vomit onto them. _

**Teshik**: Heh. I have told you you shouldn't vear your best shoes to meet your charge.

**Paige**: (_grimaces_)

_-FLASH-_

**Sam**: Oh. Now I remember. But somehow, I don't recall the rest of it...

**Teshik**: You will. Especially if I don't finally get a life in the next five years.

_He finished drying himself and throws the towel into a nearby laundry basket. His hair looks like a hedgehog recently escaped from Chernobyl._

**Sam**: Aren't you going to comb...er...that?

**Teshik**: Nah...just wait a few seconds.

_We see his hairs moving and folding itself neatly into Teshik's usual side parting. _

**Sam**: Impressive. Is there a spell involved?

**Teshik**: If it's a spell, it's a curse. No matter what I do, it stays like that.

**Sam**: Won't cutting it help?

**Teshik**: I tried it a few years ago. Looked like ass on toast, as you've seen in the flashback.

**Sam**: So... are we continuing to talk about your weird hair for the next two pages, or will we finally get on with the story?

**Teshik**: Dude, you so do not know how tedious, repetitive and boring the original was. I'm trying to divert myself with stuff like that to forget what really happened. There's a reason it's January and this still isn't done.

_Paige, freshly dressed, appears in the doorframe. The two men don't notice her. _

**Sam**: Come on, it's not that bad. This week, Paige and I will rehash the abandonment issues and her distance towards me, but at the end she will recognize me as her dad again, even though theres no logical reason for her.

_Paige looks at him, grimaces, then quickly reaches a decision. _

**Teshik**: And this is supposed to be not crap, like, how?

_The two of them hear hasty footsteps, the opening of the front door, more (distant) footsteps, and a car speeding away. _

**Sam**: I guess that means she didn't like the subplot like I do.

**Teshik**: You know what aggravates me most? The fact she _still_ didn't think of orbing.

--

_Cut to Phoebe, sitting in an unknown room with her asscrack sweater, filling out a mysterious form. Her cell phone rings. The display says „Paige's Cell". _

**Phoebe**: Hello?

_The scene splits into one of those irritating telephone call shots._

**Teshik**: (_imitating Paige's voice – badly_) Hel**lo**, Phoebe. **It's** me, your **sister** Paige. I have just **fled** my subplot because it utterly **sucks** and am cur**rent**ly working my way in**to** outer Afghani**stan**. Only I'm too **dim** to remember I **could** be there in a mat**ter** of seconds. Now Sam's A-Plot **issues** remain **un**solved until I find a **re**place**ment**. So I'm no**min**ating you.

**Phoebe**: Sorry, Paige, but _I'm_, like, really entangled in _my_ issues right now, so _I_ can't help you right now.

**Teshik**: (_drops the act_) Phoebe, it's me. Teshik.

**Phoebe**: Wow, Paige. You really can imitate people. You even got his pronounciation error right.

**Teshik**: (_blinks_) What pronounciation error ?

**Phoebe**: Yeah, exactly that. Hey, wanna hear my Leo imitation? (_lowers her voice by an octave)_ „Your powers come from your emotions, girls! Hey, I look really good in flannell!" Hee.

**Teshik**: _What_ pronounciation error ? Oh, screw that. Feebs, will you help me with Sam and his no-good charge?

**Phoebe**: Sorry, _I'm_ really in the middle of things right now. And besides, he's your dad, and since he's not planning on impregnating _me_, _I'm_ not interested.

**Teshik**: He's not my Dad!

**Phoebe**: Buh bye, sis. Love ya! -_click_-

_She hangs up. The split screen ends. Teshik stares into the receiver._

**Sam**: (_standing behind him_) So, what she'd say?

_Teshik doesn't look at him, but flips him off. Silently cursing, he dials another number. The Screen splits up again, only this time, in a public park. With blossoming roses. Even though this episode takes place a few weeks after Halloween. This time, it's Piper. Her cell phone's display reads „The /other/ annoying little sister."_

**Piper**: Yeah, what is it?

**Teshik**: (_imitating Phoebe's voice – as bad as Paiges_) Hi, Piper, _I_ am Phoebe. _I _totally wrapped _myself_ up in _my_ stupid impregnation issues, so _I _am not going to help Sam or _my_ sister in their A-Plot because _I_ so totally don't care. So _I'm_ dumping this in your lap.

**Piper**: No, you won't. Because one – I am currently deep in my own neverending subplot issue, and two, you're her sister too, you know. So be a little supportive.

**Teshik**: (_no longer imitating anyone_) I am not her sister, dammit!

**Piper**: Wow. You're good at imitating Teshik. You even got the pronounciation error right. Oh well, gotta go. Love ya, sis. -_click_-

_Teshik stares at the phone, then blows a minor gasket. With an unarticulated scream, he throws the cell phone into one of solarium windows. It shatters satisfyingly. He breathes slowly in and out, then gets his own cell phone out of his jacket and dials Pipers number again. Pipers display now reads „That annoying fuckwit with his plothole issues"._

**Piper**: Hey. What do you want?

**Teshik**: If you ever encounter a demon with a two-digits IQ ? You guys are sooo dead. Also, you need a new window. What I want? The A-Plot really needs to get moving. And Paige bailed, so you have to get here.

**Piper**: No can do. We're about to see a magical quack who's supposed to save our marriage from failure again. Which is, by the way, your fault.

**Teshik**: Mine? No way.

**Piper**: Well, you told Leo to get us here.

**Teshik**: No, _I_ suggested tried-and-true make-up sex. Off-screen make-up sex, to be on the safe side. I don't want to be squicked out by bottles again for the next two months.

**Piper**: Anyway, I am supposed to sit around and endure the upcoming hijinks. So, you'll have to deal. (_thinks_) Why don't you ask Agent Idiot for help? He sure has resources.

**Teshik**: I think we can ignore Agent Idiots forgettable role in this review, thank you very much.

**Piper**: There's still another character in the opening credits you could ask, you know.

**Teshik**: Do I have to dignify this with an answer?

**Piper**: Come on. Bifi is a smart and resourceful young woman. You should give her a chance.

_For a moment, both are standing silent. Then both begin to laugh. _

**Piper**: Hee hee heh. I know, I know. I'm shocked I got this out with a straight face.

**Teshik**: Hee.

**Piper**: Heh. (sobers up) I'm sorry Teshik. But unless one of us returns home, you're on your own. See you later. _-click- (end split screen)_

_Teshik stares daggers into his cell. Sam walks up to him. _

**Sam**: So, what now?

**Teshik**: Now? You're gonna give the rest of the exposition. And step on it.

**Sam**: My charge John Dope disappeared without a trace in 1955. I haven't heard from him since, but apparently he got into a car accident today. Only he hasn't aged a day. I suspect someone demonic after him.

**Teshik**: Fine. (_holds out his hand_) Room 305, Broom Closet, The Only Hospital In San Francisco.

**Sam**: Huh?

**Teshik**: Orbing?

**Sam**: Oh. Sorry. (_grabs his hand, both disappear in a cloud of orbs_)

--

_Hospital room, John Dopes room. Teshik and Sam enter._

**Sam**: What now?

**Teshik**: Now? We orb back to the manor.

**Sam**: But the exposure risk!

**Teshik**: Is negligible. An unknown man gets hit by a car and then disappears from the hospital. The Magic Exposure is where?

**Sam**: Oh.

**Teshik**: Come on. Orb us back. (_Grabs Sam's arm and John Dope's shoulder, they disappear)_

--

_Manor, the Solarium. _

**Teshik**: What're you waiting for? Heal him!

**Sam**: But...if he wakes up...he doesn't know about magic...

**Teshik**: Sam? Your charge got hit by a car. From the looks of it, quite hard. Do you like your charges in pain? Plus, he got chased by a demon. He probably knows anyway. Heal him!

**Sam**: Well...okay.

_He applies the whitelighter tingly touch. John's wounds heal, he continues to sleep. Sam and Teshik sneak out into the hallway. _

**Teshik**: (_looks at his watch)_ 3 minutes, 52 seconds. Not bad. Certainly faster than usual.

**Sam**: And what're we gonna do now?

**Teshik**: Now we'll get us some Sandwiches, do a little research on the Demon Of The Week, and wait for Piper and Leo to return from their marital hijinks. Because Jay Dee will wake up in precisely that moment. Trust me.

**Sam**: But...we are supposed to fuss endlessly about the use of magic, exposure risks, and reevaluation of our relationships! We skipped that part entirely.

**Teshik**: With good reason. First, you and I? No relationship to reevaluate, because you will be gone for probably another three years after this crap is over. The exposure risks? Well, your fault. You're the one with powers. And I'm painfully aware that „debating the right course of action while pondering risks" is another way of saying „getting the goddamn 43 minutes full" by now. Because neither your absent bastard of a daughter nor her halfsisters are really wasting any thought on that any more.

**Sam**: But...

**Teshik**: No buts. Research. Now.

--

_Solarium. Teshik is slaving over a hot Book'o'Shadows, John Dope is still sleeping, and Sam returns from the living room with the phone in his hand. _

**Sam**: Okay, I finally reached that Agent Idiot guy.

**Teshik**: (_not looking up_) What took you so long?

**Sam**: Well, you could've told me his family name wasn't really Idiot, that would've sped up the process. (_pauses_) Although I do have a date now with an Agent Barbara Ediot from the Anti-Terror Department on Saturday.

**Teshik**: I guess there's a Phoebe everywhere. And, do they have any plot related clues?

**Sam**: They do know quite a few people who vanished just like JD over the years.

**Teshik**: And what distinguishes those people and JD from the people who vanish every day for other, non-demonic reasons?

**Sam**: Errr...I dunno.

**Teshik**: (_to himself_) And to think I wasted the perfectly good moniker Idiot on a random homeland security agent. (_to Sam_) The book isn't helpful either. It keeps showing me Grams Anti-Vomit Potion for some reason. I hope that's not a bad sign.

_They hear sounds from the front door._

**Leo**: We're back! And, ISSUES!

_Sam and Teshik walk into the hall. There, they find Piper and Leo heavily arguing, and Bifi._

**Teshik**: What now? (_looks at Bifi and her emourmously fugly outfit_). And what are _you _doing here?

**Piper**: Hi, Sam! How's it going! (_shakes his hand vigorously_) By the way, I'm Leo. We switched bodies 'n stuff.

**Teshik**: Yeah, been there, done that. (_points his index finger towards Bifi_) What is _she_ doing here?

**Leper**: Leo, would you stop looking at my boobies?

**Pio**: No, since this is the first time in month I actually get near them.

_Meanwhile, John Dope has quietly risen and watches the scene._

**Teshik**: You still aren't explaining the presence of the girl with the curtains of my grandma over her shoulder.

**Sam** (_to Bifi_): Who are you, anyway?

**Bifi**: I'm Bifi. Oh, and I can do anything.

**Teshik**: ...granted, my grandma's curtains were canary yellow, not white, but that was a tragic choice from the seventies...

**Leper**: Will you stop touching my ass already!

**Pio**: It's my body right now, and by the way, we're married, I have all the rights to touch your ass!

**Leper**: You will cut that out RIGHT NOW, or I will put your favourite external plumbing into the next meat grinder and set it on purify!

_This causes every male in the room (plus Pio, minus Leper) to grimace and protectively hold their hands in front of their respective family jewels. _

**John** **Dope**: Sam? Where are we and who the hell are these Freaks?

---

_Everyone stands still for a moment. Silence, except for a rapidly accelerating heartbeat. It originates from Bifi. She runs up to him and jumps into his arms._

**Bifi**: (_breathing heavily_) Oh, fuck me!

**Teshik**: (_in the same tone_) Oh, kill me. Permission to quietly vomit onto the floor?

**Leper**: Denied. If Leo cleans that up, he get's my body all dirty. No way.

**Johnny** **D:** (_pushing the horned up Bifi politely, but firmly away from him_) Sorry, Miss Hooker, but I don't have any money with me right now. Sam? What's goin' on?

**Sam**: Errr...you're dreaming. Yeah. That's it.

**Teshik**: Now we know where Paige got her shitty Whiteligh...

**Sam** (_interrupting him_) ...AND we certainly won't have any magic or other nonsense in this dream, since you're a manly man who won't dream about angels and fairies 'n stuff.

**Teshik**: Oh brother. Not that subplot again.

**Sam**: JD? Can you remember what happened to you before you woke up here? Er, I mean, what you dreamed before?

**JD**: Well, I was outside the (**insert fifties cliché No. 1)**, drinking a (**insert fifties cliché No.2)**, thinking about watching (**insert fifties cliché No.3)** again, when some creep took a flash photograph of me. Next thing I knew, I was inside somewhere and he wanted to kill me.

**Sam**: Photograph...interesting. You'll stay here with... these very...interesting people, while I go and check on something. _(he leaves)_

**Leper**: And I think we'll go upstairs to check the book...about those marital issues now, right, hon?

**Pio**: But I...

**Leper**: Now, Dolt!

**Teshik**: Piper, don't you think you're leaving Mr. Dope alone with the wrong people here?

**Leper**: I don't know where you're heading.

**Teshik**: Well, as long as Sam's not around, Leo would be the logical choice for babysitting, since he's ... old enough, if you catch my drift. Then there's the point of putting her and me into the same room for a prolonged length of time, and finally, she has ulterior motives with him, which, ew, and all.

**Leper**: Sorry, but our marriage issues are way more important right now. Good luck (_Leper and Pio walk upstairs, Pio with an apologetic smile on her(his?) face)_

**Teshik **(_calls after them_) Fine! But for the record, I won't change diapers for their satanic offspring, too. (_quiet_) -_sigh_- I hate my life.

**JD**: So...my name's John. What're your names?

**Bifi**: Just call me Sugar.

**Teshik**: Ecch. Do so and die. The Horndog is Bifi. I'm Teshik.

**JD**: Are those names?

**Teshik**: No. Teshik is an alias, and Bifi is an insulting nickname I've sworn to use for her until she finally stops annoying me. So far, no luck.

**JD:** Whatever. (_he draws a pack of smokes out of his pocket and lights it)_

**Teshik**: Do you mind?

**JD**: Mind what?

**Bifi**: Pestering us with carcinogens without asking first.

**Teshik**: What she said.

**JD**: What, the little smoke here?

**Teshik**: Yes, the anachronistic pack of modern smokes you had in your pocket, sealed with plastic.

**Bifi**: Plus, it could turn on the smoke detector.

**Teshik**: No, it couldn't, it's in the kitchen, and cigarette smoke can't...

_The smoke detector goes off. JD is startled. _

**Teshik**: Nevermind.

**Bifi**: Careful, don't touch the remote for...

_JD accidentally touches the remote. The TV goes off on MTV, on full volume. A disco ball is lowering from the ceiling, and projectors erect from the flowerpots, creating a laser light show. Artificial fog fills the room. _

**JD**: AIIEEEEE! (_he jumps through the broken window and runs away_)

**Teshik**: Some would say right now this „out of time" effect was waaay overdone. I'm among them. Though, I gotta admit, the disco room is actually pretty cool.

**Bifi**: Oh no! He's getting away! (_Runs after him_) Wait for me, Honey-ponney !

**Teshik**: Hmmm. Do I follow Nitwit and Neanderthal, knowing she probably get both of them killed if I don't? Or will I have a little fun with the remote control while the two of them are in mortal peril? (_pauses_) Why do I even ask?

_He begins do dance. _

---

**Phoebe**:...and so _I_ realized, while the sperm bank can get _me_ a daughter, _I _have to do that without sex, so _I_ got the hell out of there.

_Teshik enters the attic, just in time to see the red Latino Gardener mojo doing its job. _

**Teshik**: Well, nice to have you back where you belong. Oh, and by the way, Bifi and John Dope are AWOL and probably worm fodder by now.

**Piper**: _What_? Why didn't you stop them?

**Teshik**: Tested your new Party Module in the solarium.

**Phoebe**: Ooh! Did you test „Foam Party"?

**Teshik**: No, but I tried both „Fireworks" buttons. Quite impressive, I might add.

**Piper**: People! Focus!

**Teshik**: What?

**Piper**: Bifi and the Dope. Where are they?

_Bifi enters the attic, her enourmous eyes filled with tears. _

**Bifi**: I'm here.

**Teshik**: That probably means she didn't get any. Thank God.

**Bifi**: JD is dead. We found the demon hideout, and saw Sam was captured. JD tried to save him, but a fireball got him.

**Leo**: Wait a second, that's not how it could have happened...

**Teshik**: Well, no, but I needed to shorten the plot so I could finish this dreck before Easter 2009.

_Paige is walking into the attic, having a tan, wearing a straw hat, beach wear and is carrying a cocktail. _

**Paige**: Hey **guys**! Guess **who** just returned **from** a day **in** Aru**ba**!

**Teshik**: (_makes swiping motion_) Christmas Tree!

_A cloud of orbs coalesces into a decorated Christmas Tree, hitting Paige frontal. Both swipe out the attic door and fall down the stairs. _

**Phoebe**: Wait. Since when are you able to orb?

**Paige**: My **hip**!

**Teshik**: I ain't. Allow me one little plothole once in a while, will ya? Also, I still had this requisite laying around, and I really wanted to use it.

_Paige comes back. Her straw hat is gone, as is her cocktail. She now has a big spot on her top and many tiny scratches on her face and arms instead. _

**Paige**: Fine, I **got** the **clue**. No more **running** from plot**lines**. Now, **where** are we?

**Leo**: We need you to call for your father, who is trapped in a demon photographer's collage.

**Paige**: I so **know** why I **bailed** from **this**. All right. **Sam**? (_nothing happens_)

**Piper**: You need to call for your father, not Sam.

**Paige**: O**kay**. Dad? (_still, nothing happens_)

**Teshik**: Try „that fucking montage with Sam in it".

**Paige**: That fuc**king** mon**tage** with Sam **in** it.

_The collage appears in Paiges' outstretched hand and flashes golden. Sam, and all the other captives reappear. _

**Piper**: That settles the story. No loose ends.

**PhotoBoxDemon** (_squiggling in_) Think again, witch!

**Paige**: De**mon's** ca**me**ra! (_the demonic camera orbs into her hands_) **Smile**! (_she makes a photo of him, he disappears) _

**Piper**: As I was saying, no loose ends.

**Bifi**: How did you know the demon used a camera? You weren't there for the rest of the episode.

**Paige**: „Pho**to**grapher **De**mon" ?

**Leo**: Now, we have to explain those innocents what happened...

_They look over to the group of innocents. Teshik is standing next to a man and a woman who appear to be from the early sixties. The woman is sobbing by now. _

**Teshik**: ...and Jackie held the head of her husband, but the assassin had totally blown out his brain. She was smeared with his blood. (_pauses_) So. Any New Yorkers from August 2001 around?

**Piper**: _Teshik_!

**Teshik**: What? They're gonna find out anyway.

**Piper**: Yeah, but it's better someone of us does it. Leo! Tell them what happened on 9-11. But don't scare or traumatize them or anything.

_And so, while Leo told the innocents that they lost about a good part of their lifes and the cheery story of Terror Attacks, the rest of the Manor Morons were downstairs playing with the Party Module in the solarium. The End. _

---


	8. 8:8 Battle of the Clichés

**8-8 : Battle of the Gender Clichés**

_Brad Kern's working title: „Why women shouldn't be allowed to rule". _

_Fade up to the Manor kitchen. Brian, uh, I mean Leo, is playing with a golf club. Piper is on the phone, nattering about the sudden total failure of P3, again, some more. Yours truly enters, looking very, **very**, VERY tired._

**Teshik**: Coffee.

**Leo**: And a big hello to you too, Sunshine.

**Teshik**: _Coffee_.

**Leo**: Why are you so damn glum?(_Takes a coffee mug out of a shelf and goes over to the coffee machine)_

**Teshik**: Exam Week. **Coffee**!

**Leo**: Allright already.

_He pours a cup of coffee and hands it to Teshik, who takes a big gulp without further consideration. You can actually see his thought processes accelerate towards normal level. He looks down into the cup. _

**Teshik**: God, I _hate_ coffee.

**Leo**: Then why are you drinking it?

**Teshik**: Because I'm also awake for 32 hours straight now. (_goes over to the counter and gets the sugar. He pours it into his coffee mug – a lot of it. When he stirs the coffee with a spoon, you can hear the sugar gnashing in the mug)_

**Leo**: You're not really into a healthy livestyle, are you?

**Teshik**: Will you just shut it? I'm not in the mood.

**Leo**: And what're you gonna do if I don't?

_Unbeknownst to our characters, the Flannell Killer Demon has entered the kitchen. Using his power of Invisibility, he edges closer and closer towards Leo, ready to strike. He takes aim with a long knife and..._

**Leo**: Okay, okay, I get it, I shut up. Geesh. No reason to exercise your author powers. What happened to your „no breaking the 4th wall" promise you made?

**Teshik**: I'm tired and uncreative. Go figure.

**Leo**: Could you get rid of the killer now? Please?

_Suddenly, Piper, who is still on the phone, sees the knife aimed at her favourite babysitter, er, handyman, er, husband, and blows up the demon._

**Leo**: Thanks. So, if you are in the middle of exams, why are you stopping here? Shouldn't you be at your university?

**Teshik**: Actually, I'm combining writing and studying today. After the obligatory exposition blather, I'll meet with Bifi at her college. She takes a social science course there, and I figured I'd take this exam with her.

**Leo**: Aren't you studying some Computer Science-y stuff?

**Teshik**: I am. Social science courses are required for my diploma. Don't ask why, I don't understand it either.

**Piper**: (_hangs up the phone_) Stupid impotent Bastard!

**Teshik**: I think she means you.

**Leo**: Can it.

**Piper**: I've only been declared dead for two frickin' months, and all of a sudden, P3 is ice cold! I don't get it!

**Teshik**: Me neither. Just out of curiosity: Who managed the club while you were „dead"?

**Piper**: Well, Jenny...or Julie? Dunno. I did, disguised as a random Bennett.

**Teshik**: And did Random Bennett get any bands ? Even though she was a complete stranger to everyone? I mean, did she ever have problems getting those?

**Piper**: No, not that I can report. Why?

**Teshik**: Just checking if the random repetitive plot devices are still as mind-numbingly stupid as before.

**Piper**: Ah.

**Leo**: Piper, how about I use my never-before-mentioned hobby of golfing and play a little game with Sleazy Smitty?

**Teshik**: Somehow, this sounds way dirtier than probably intended.

**Piper**: Okay, but let him be top.

**Teshik**: (_raises an eyebrow_) Did you guys just talk about anal sex on the golf course?

**Leo**: What? No!

**Teshik**: In that case, I think I need more coffee.

_Leo leaves, in the same moment, Paige enters the kitchen._

**Paige**: Coffee.

**Piper**: This either means you're Teshik's perfect girlfriend or his evil twin hell-bent on his destruction.

**Teshik**: With my luck in women, she's both.

**Paige**: Coffee.

**Piper**: (_pours Paige a cup of coffee, then fills up Teshiks mug again_) And what did you do this night? (_pauses_) Is he still in the house, and did you use protection?

**Paige**: It's **not** what you think. Sad**ly**. No, An Ever **Use**less Elder **talked** me into **taking** another charge.

**Piper**: Well then, why didn't you refuse?

**Paige**: Be**cause** it was 3:30 **am** and he **wouldn't** let me sleep.

**Phoebe**: (_barging into the kitchen_) Don't you guys ever answer the phone?

**Teshik**: Considering Piper is still holding the receiver, which didn't ring in the past few minutes, it probably means no one called.

**Phoebe**: Well, no. Agent Idiot just called five minutes ago.

**Teshik**: When Piper still was on the phone. So no wonder she didn't answer.

**Phoebe**: Yes, but that meant _I_ had to pick up the phone, because he called me on _my_ cell phone.

**Paige**: How did he even **get** your cell phone **num**ber?

**Phoebe**: He's male and in reproductive age. Go figure.

**Teshik**: I gotta admit, she's persistent.

**Paige**: So, what **did** Agent Idiot **want**?

**Phoebe**: He's got a job for _us_. But _I_ am so not doing this, because _I_ have _my_ issues to care about. How about you?

**Paige**: Don't **start**. I got a **charge**.

**Teshik**: Bifi and I can't help either, class in half an hour and exam this evening.

**Chris**: No time, I gotta stop Wyatt from turning evil. Plus, I died over a year ago.

**Teshik**: Wait, did anyone hear that? (_looks around_)

**Piper**: P3 is at the verge of breakdown, and Leo and I are trying to get us some bands.

**Teshik**: Nevermind. More coffee.

**Phoebe**: Well, tough luck guys. _I_ have dates. Lots and lots of dates. So you'll have to do without _me_.

_The others don't say anything. They just glare at her disapprovingly._

**Phoebe**: ...And it's vitally important for _me_ to date, because, if _I_ don't get hooked up and stuff, _I_ won't get knocked up, and no Ladybug. It is very important!

_The others still glare. _

**Phoebe**: (_cracks and begins to whine_) But...but _I_ don't _wanna_ do A-Plot stories! _I'll_ just get possessed again or something! _I_ always get possessed by the evil slut demons!

_Still glaring. _

**Phoebe**: Fine. FINE. _I_ hate you all.

**Piper**: So then it's settled. Paige will meet her charge. I will accompany Phoebe so she won't bail halfway, oh, and Teshik, you'll meet us there with Bifi after your classes.

**Paige**: Great. **See** you la**ter**! (_she orbs out_)

**Piper**: But you're still wearing a nightgown...Oh my.

**Teshik**: Is her charge male or female?

**Piper**: Male.

**Teshik**: In that case, I wouldn't worry.

--

_Random College Classroom. Teshik, Bifi and that unknown chick with a one-line speaking part (who I'll name „Erica" for exactly no good reason whatsoever) are sitting in one of the back rows. Erica and Teshik are rehearsing the exam material. Bifi seems to think the best method of learning is to sit around looking annoyed and vacuous, and chewing gum. Loudly. With an open mouth. _

**Professor**: ...and so you see, the Yin-Yang theory is another interesting theory of gender equality...(_babbles on_)

**Erica**: Ya think we have to know all the dates of women getting voting rights?

**Teshik**: Nah. I think it's sufficient to know most industrialized countries granted it after World War I. Then the Universal Declaration of Human Rights of the UN, and I think it's good to remember the oddballs, like Switzerland and Liechtenstein.

**Erica**: Don't forget the countries who still don't have women's suffrage.

**Teshik**: Which were these again?

**Erica**: Saudi Arabia, Brunei, Bhutan, and Kuwait until 2007. Not counting the dictatorships of course.

_Bifi makes a gum bubble and pops it. _

**Teshik**: (_makes a grimace, but chooses to ignore her_) I really hope he won't go this deep into the historical part. If he sticks with Gender Roles in past decades and Emancipation of women in the sixties and seventies, I think I'll manage.

**Professor**: ...but notice the dots. A little bit of each in the other, for balance.

_Bifi clicks with her tongue in disapproval. _

**Professor**: Miss Roll, you have something to add?

**Bifi**: Yeah. I mean, this balanced stuff is totally bullshit. I mean, everyone knows women are actually the better sex.

**Professor**: Well, give me the reasons that led you to this conclusion.

**Bifi**: Isn't it obvious? Nowadays, men are either wimps or thugs, women are so much nicer. I mean, just yesterday I was fighting a dem...(_Teshik hits her in the side with his elbow, hard_)...ouch. I mean, a dead-beat dad, and if it wasn't for me and three very empowered and _female_ women, this guy never would have been vanqu...Ouch! Er, killed...OW! I mean, handed over to the proper authorities.

_Teshik, increasingly pissed, has hit her with his elbow two more times. They look at each other, and in the next two seconds, there's a lot of non-verbal communication going on. The gist of it is „Dude, relax, I so totally got it covered" and „Shut the fuck up Retard", respectively. _

**Bifi**: As I was saying before this _guy_ interrupted me, men are just ignorant sexist pigs who aren't susceptible to manners and if they do think, they think about sex.

_Suddenly, someone belches, loudly. _

**Bifi**: Ah. I rest my case.

**Professor**: Alright. Class, look at Miss Roll and think of her as inspiration. (_the class makes „the hell?" noises)_ She just gave us a perfect example of intolerant gender pictures women had to fight against for decades. Only she reversed the roles. Gender equality isn't just about women getting rights, it is also about not giving them everything. Thanks for this impromptu performance, Miss Roll. You really had me thinking you meant it for a minute.

**Bifi**: But I ...

_She is interrupted by her ringing cell phone. But instead of shutting the cell of, or politely excusing herself to take the call outside, she takes the call. While in class. While everyone, including the professor, is watching her. Just wanted to point that out. _

**Bifi**: Phoebe? Hi. (_pause_) No, just a couple more minutes. (_pauses_) Okay, we'll see you there. Bye!

**Professor**: I...think we conclude this lesson. Just remember, the Yin-Yang theory will be relevant in our exam tonight.

_The students get their stuff and leave._

**Erica** (_to Teshik_): Thanks for not telling anybody. This was so completely embarrassing!

**Teshik**: (_to_ _Erica_) No prob. Everyone has indigestion sometimes.

---

_Secret Homeland Security Warehouse. Which is filled up to the wazoo with very dusty objects, although the department responsible only exists since November 2002. Phoebe is playing with some boxing gloves. Bifi and Teshik enter. _

**Phoebe**: Hey.

**Teshik**: Hey. Where's Piper?

**Phoebe**: Bailed on course of B-Plot and establishing further that men are baaaad.

**Bifi**: Well, they totally are. I wish every man on this planet would drop down dead.

**Phoebe**: Wow, what crawled up her ass and exploded?

**Teshik**: Dunno, but she's like this since I arrived at the classroom. Anyways, found anything interesting yet?

**Phoebe**: Thankfully, everything's been quite normal and non-magical so far.

**Teshik**: Uch. The N-Word. Have you spent too much time with Piper?

**Phoebe**: Apparently, she has spent too much time with _me_, since she knew exactly when to bail for stupid her-related issues.

**Bifi**: (_picks up a pair of 80's sunglasses_) Ooh! How very Greta Garbo. (_puts them on_) Here's a woman that didn't need any male pigs!

**Teshik**: I somehow don't get why screeching „I'm going back to Sweden if you don't cater for my every whim" is supposed to represent female empowering. But that's just me.

**Phoebe**: No, it isn't. Woman over there seems to have the worst case of PMS since Piper's „Let's cook Leo for dinner" episode.

**Teshik**: _Thank you_ for finally pointing that out. I've been resisting menstruation jokes for over an hour now.

**Phoebe**: Why? It's usually impossible to hold you from a punchline.

**Teshik**: Well, this is one of the parts where emancipation won't work. If _you_ say „Wow, bitch is bleeding all right", it means you're concerned about her doing something she might regret. If _I_ say „By golly, poor Miss Roll has had a visit from her Aunt Flo lately, I suspect", I'm a sexist pig who doesn't understand anything about women and their feelings.

**Phoebe**: Oh.

**Teshik**: Now, what was that with Piper and Leo for dinner?

**Phoebe**: Leo challenged her cooking skills since she forgot to salt the lunch. Then she demonstrated him what a real chef is made out of. It was kinda embarassing, since we had to ask the Avatars to turn back time.

**Teshik**: Why?

**Phoebe**: Leo's severed head on a platter with an apple in his mouth is kinda terminal, if you get my drift. (_pauses_) Although the smell was frighteningly appetizing.

**Teshik**: Note to self: Next time Piper is due, avoid her. At. All. Costs.

**Phoebe**: Well, enough nattering about _my_ sister. Let's get back to the main topic : _Me_. _I_ still need someone to impregnate _me_, so if you'll excuse _me_...

_She pulls out a phone book of San Francisco and opens it at „C". A rather large number of persons are crossed out, a very little number of persons, all male, are highlighted. Some of them have additional notes next to them, such as „definite re-do", „wife-us interruptus", „called the police", or „turned gay when he saw me". She dials the number of the first unmarked person._

**Teshik**: Oh whatever.

_He puts on a pair of latex gloves lying on the table, then grabs a second pair of them and walks over to Bifi._

**Teshik**: You know Retard, as much as I like to see you being framed for murder in the next decade or so, could you put these on? You're tainting the DNA evidence and cluttering everything with fingerprints.

**Bifi**: Ahem.

**Teshik**: Oh, I'm sorry. _Miss_ Retard.

**Bifi**: Better. Oh wait...

**Phoebe**: (_on the phone_) Hello? Is this Mr. Clarence Cybowski? Hiiiiiiii! Clarence! It's _me_, Phoebe! (_pause_) Er, we know each other from, er, school. Remember? History class?

**Bifi**: (_picks up a pair of underpants_) Wow. These things are so retro.

**Teshik**: Yeah, and these things? Are probably unwashed since someone died in them, emptying his or her bladder on them in the process.

**Phoebe**: Home educated? Never been to a public school? Oh. Errr. - Well, isn't that romantic! How about you ask _me_ out on a date?

**Bifi**: Is this the kind of bondage men want us in?

**Teshik**: Well, right now, this is the kind of bondage I want to strangle you with.

**Phoebe**: No, no, wife and kids won't be a problem at all. (_pause_) Oh. Sorry to hear that, Clarence. (_pause_) Are you by any chance related to a Steven Cybowski? (_pause_) Your Father? Is he still in reproductive age? (_pause_) Hello? Hellooo? Dammit. (_crosses out another name in the phonebook_)

**Teshik**: Any luck?

**Phoebe**: No. _I _just wasted five minutes on a guy who has had testicle cancer and is sterile now.

**Bifi**: You should feel lucky. After all, this man would just have left you after he's through with you. Men are all alike, after all.

_Phoebe and Teshik don't respond, they just stare at her for a second, more than a little ticked by now. _

**Teshik** (_to Phoebe_) Pleeeeease reverse Piper's spell that prevents me from killing her?

**Phoebe**: No. Piper'd kill me, and I have no idea how she did it in the first place.

**Bifi**: Couldn't we just pass a law or something that forbids sexual reproduction? We could clone ourselves and finally get rid of men.

**Phoebe**: (_narrows eyes_) ...but that won't say I couldn't _try_. Have any Mandrake root?

**Bifi**: I mean, a gender that only thinks with their reproductive organs isn't allowed to roam earth, if you ask me.

**Teshik**: Uh, Retard? (_points to Phoebe, she waves with a hand_) Meet Slut. Slut, meet the Retard.

**Phoebe**: Could we perhaps get to the reason why you're so fed up with men right now?

**Bifi**: Well, I'm just generally fed up with dating. My last ones just weren't made for me, if you ask me. They just leave, without ever telling you if they like you or not.

**Teshik**: Your last „date" was a seventy-three year old time traveler who knocked you out and ran from you, directly into the path of a Flaming Ball Of Death, if I recall correctly. If you didn't get _that_ message, you never will.

**Phoebe**: Perhaps you should just go a little shopping to ease your mind.

**Bifi**: Yeah, that's probably a good idea. (_walks over to the shelves_) Hey, look. Isn't that a pretty belt?

**Phoebe**: Oh, I don't know. Gold's such a tacky color. Besides, It's evidence.

**Bifi**: (_takes the belt out of the shelf_) Bah. These cases are cold only because a man probably screwed up.

**Teshik**: (_to Phoebe_) Do you think she can actually get more one-dimensional ? Because if yes, she should implode any minute now.

**Bifi**: (_tries on the belt_) Hey look! The belt fits!

_And with this, Bifi Roll promptly morphs into SuperTard. It's a Nightmare In Plastic. No wonder Miss Cuoco cried when she saw that outfit. And that didn't even take hairdo and eye-shadow into consideration. Teshik reacts by pointing with his finger and dissolving into dirty laughter. _

**Phoebe**: (_fistpumping_) Yes, yes, YES! I'm not the slut-possessed this episode! YES!

--

_Outside. Slut, Writer and SuperTard are searching for the nearest cab to get out of the line of sight of a hooting and whistling mob who just happened to stand outside the building. Phoebe and Teshik both still giggle from time to time._

**SuperTard**: Oh god, I can't believe this just happened!

**Phoebe**: Hee. Er, I mean, yeah, that's awful.

**Teshik**: Yeah, we so totally feel with you. Heh.

**SuperTard**: Oh, and why can't I simply take the belt off?

**Phoebe**: Sorry hon, it's a magical belt.

**SuperTard**: And all I wanted to do was a little shopping.

**Teshik**: In an evidence storage? You know, in Europe, we don't call that „shopping". We call that „stealing".

**SuperTard**: (_chooses to ignore him_) Oh, this is so embarassing!

**Phoebe**: Don't be so upset. It was bound to happen.

**SuperTard**: It was „bound to happen" that I transform into this?

**Phoebe**: Not necessarily into this, but every witch transforms into something somewhere along the way. I mean, Piper's been a Wendigo, Paige's been a vampire, we've all been Warlocks, Goddesses, Valkyries. Hell, even Teshik was transformed into a...

_Teshik covers Phoebe's mouth with his hand._

**Teshik**: Finish this sentence and die. (_he removes his hand_)

**Phoebe**: But it's such a funny story!

**Teshik**: Yes, and I'll never forgive Grams for producing so much „fun".

**SuperTard**: What on Earth are you talking about? And who is Grams?

**Teshik**: I promise you, if I ever get all the reviews done and there is a Season 9, I'll tell ya.

**SuperTard**: So, that means never, right?

**Teshik**: Yes.

**SuperTard**: You're an ass.

**Teshik**: Yeah, but I'm the ass not covered in Cheap Hooker Plastic at the moment.

---

_Manor. The cold, hard and unbending Leo argues with warm, soft, and yielding Piper, who's still organizing the sudden failure of her club. Or something._

**Leo**: But I don't wanna play Golf with Sleazy Smitty again! He sucks even more at it than I do!

**Piper**: Shut it. I need a band, and you'll either golf with the sleazebag, or you'll better get in shape and start singing!

**Leo**: All right, all right... wait. „Get in shape"? Do you think I'm fat?

**Piper**: Oh god, not this again. No, you're not fat.

**Leo**: You're not meaning it.

**Piper**: No, Leo, I mean it. You're not fat.

**Leo**: You are just saying that to comfort me, aren't you?

_Thankfully for Piper, she is interrupted by SuperTard, who opens the door by ripping it apart. She goggles at the door in her hand. _

**Teshik**: You know, after she ripped off the taxi door and the unfortunate „I'll just hop onto the bus" incident, you'd think she'd get the general drift about super powers. And you'd be mistaken.

_Leo and Piper enter the hall and goggle as well. _

**Piper**: Oh shit. What now?

**Phoebe**: Bifi tried on a belt and got transformed.

**Leo**: And is in trouble, from the looks of it. That's Hippolyta's Belt. (_pause_) Phoebe, do you think I'm fat?

_Phoebe doesn't respond, just rolls her eyes. _

**SuperTard**: Hippolyta? Isn't that the chick that got murdered by Hercules? I heard about that in monthology class.

**Teshik**: „_mon_thology"? (_to Piper_) Pleeeeease reverse the spell that prevents me from killing her?

**Piper**: No. Our Police file is large enough as it is.

**Teshik**: Your police file is lying in the „West" Andes.

**Leo**: Teshik, you're honest. Do you think I'm fat?

**Teshik**: Go. Away.

**SuperTard**: That's just great. So I'll just wait for some greek God to butcher me.

**Teshik**: For the record, a) it's _my_thology, you stupid bint, and b) Hippolyta was goaded by Hera to attack Hercules first, so you can't exactly blame him for striking back.

**SuperTard**: Oh, could you just **_shut up_**?

**Leo**: Bifi, do you think I'm fat? (_he lifts his t-shirt to show off his stomach_) Here, now you can judge better.

**SuperTard**: Uch. I so don't want to **_see this_**.

_And Lo and behold, Leo vanishes. _

**MuTeshik**: ... . ... ? (_Teshik tries to speak, but no sound comes from his mouth_)

**Piper**: The fuck? Bifi, what did you do?

**MuTeshik**: ... ! ... !

_He lets out a (silent, duh) scream and launches himself towards the SuperTard. But before his hands can reach her maggoty neck, a blueish light emits from Bifi, and Teshik is flung backwards into the room, landing on his ass. _

**MuTeshik**: (_to Piper_) ... .

**Piper**: Aw. I hate you too.

**InvisibLeo**: Does anyone even care that I'm invisible right now?

**Piper**: As a matter of fact I do. I mean, who's going to pick up the kids?

_Teshik wanders over into the living room, gathering yellow cue cards and a marker that are lying oh so conveniently around. He begins to scribble. _

**InvisibLeo**: That's all I am to you? The babysitter?

**Piper**: No, no. You're cleaning the house, too. (_pause_) Hm, I think I have an idea how to fix this.

_Piper uses her Hands against the belt. There's a little explosion, but the belt remains intact._

**SuperTard**: Did you jusshht try and KILL ME ?

**Piper**: Oh, no no no. No. I didn't try to kill you. (_she makes „cut it out" signs to Teshik, who is behind SuperTard, jumping up and down and flashing a cue card with „Yes!" on it over and over_)

**SuperTard**: You tried to blow up my pretty belt!

**Phoebe**: Your „pretty belt"? Bifi, I think the belt is starting to affect you.

**SuperTard**: I don't think so.

_Teshik holds up the cue card „You're an Idiot". _

**InvisibLeo**: So everybody in this room thinks I'm just the maid and babysitter? Is that it?

**Everyone but Teshik**: Yes.

_Teshik holds up „Yes!"_

**Phoebe**: Okay, Bifi, let's get upstairs for the Book'o'Shadows.

**SuperTard**: Hold on a sec. I think I'm getting a call.

_With that, she blurries out of the hallway. She brushes past both Teshik and Leo. The former gets whirled around, loosing all his cue cards in the process, the latter gets the unhinged door into his face, landing on the floor. We can see Teshik has prepared himself for a longer absence of his voice. We are able to read several of his cue cards now, among others are „Oh whatever", „Sudden Laryngitis" and „I hope the Retard dies". True to the motto „out of sight, out of mind", Piper and Phoebe are helping Teshik to pick up his cue cards, and ignore the door-buried Leo._

**Phoebe**: I'm afraid this could get worse.

_Teshik holds up a cue card. _

**Piper**: „Sudden Laryngitis"?

_Teshik looks at the cue card, rolls his eyes and fumbles out another. This one reads „Gee, Ya think?"_

**InvisibLeo**: Thanks for getting me out under the door, people. Not.

**Phoebe**: Err, we couldn't see you trapped under there. Plus, we're lazy.

**InvisibLeo**: (_trying to get the door into her hinges again_) We should really get her away from that belt, and fast. It will drive her into insanity, and she'll die of it eventually. And it will compell her to rid the entire world of men.

**Phoebe**: No, she can't! I still need to conceive Ladybug first!

_She pulls her FreebieFucksFriscoFonebook™ out of her handbag, looks at the first unchecked number and dials it on her cell phone. _

**Phoebe**: Hello? Mr. Aaron Czar? Good. You need to fuck me, like, right now. This is an emergency!

**InvisibLeo**: (_the door is back where it belongs_) There. All finished. You can thank the superior handyman now.

_Unfortunately for the superior handyman, SuperTard decides this instant to come back. And since the transformation into a SuperTard seems to obliterate the proper handling of doors, she just burst through the just repaired door, sending said door flying, zooming past Phoebe, Piper and Teshik. Where Leo is at this moment? A hint: Normal doors don't scream._

**InvisibLeo**: uuuuaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA**AAAAOOOO**OOOOOOooooooohhhhh!

_The door impacts at the opposite wall in the dining room. _

**Piper**: Cool. Doppler effect.

**SuperTard**: Ooh, I heard about that in _Phon_sics.

_Teshik holds up the cue cards „You're an Idiot" and „I hope the Retard dies"._

**Something very flat and invisible behind the impacted Manor door**: (_wincing_) Pain?

_Piper and Teshik go into the dining room to pry the door away from the wall. When they manage to do just that, we hear a squishy sound, and then, a thump. _

**Piper**: (_a little worried_) Do you think he's bleeding?

_Teshik shrugs with his shoulders. They kneel down and try to feel where Leo might have landed. _

**SuperTard**: Bah. You shouldn't lower yourself to tend to a lesser gender, Piper.

_Teshik holds up his hand, indicating he has found Leo. Piper comes over and unintentionally kicks her husband. From Leo's grunt and Teshik's grimace you can tell it was a kinda delicate location. _

**Piper**: Oops. Sorry hon. (_to Bifi_) He may be the lesser gender, but he's still my husband whom I love very much, you stupid Tweenage Bimbo!

_Teshik gives her the thumbs up._

**Piper**: And while we're at it, you tart, you really...

_Suddenly the belt emits a golden light, enveloping Phoebe and Piper. _

**Piper**: ...do have a point. Men really aren't worth it.

**Phoebe**: (_on the phone_) ..and then you ask the people for the Office Slut, and you're right there...you know what? Screw you! Sexist pig! (_shuts her cell phone_)

_Teshik amends his hand signal to „send in the lions". _

**SuperTard**: Very good. Another two added to the loving Sisterhood. Oh well, I gotta go. So many Amazonesses to find, so little time.

_She blurries out, this time, creating a Retard-cutout in the other Manor door. Complete with the ugly braids. _

**Piper**: That's right sister, bring on the revoluwhat the fuck did she do to our door!

**Phoebe**: I guess the belt influenced us.

**Piper**: All right. We need to find her, pronto. And you? _(addresses Leo and Teshik)_ Stay away from the manor for a while before she – or we – might do something drastic. And Leo, take the kids with you.

**InvisibLeo**: Yes Honey.

_The gals go upstairs to scry for the demo...er, SuperTard. Same difference. Teshik takes his pen and scribbles something on an empty cue card. It reads „ancient belt with powers of instant PMS-induction? you gotta be fuckin' kidding me"._

**InvisibLeo**: Don't look at me. I didn't write this shit.

---

_Later, same random classroom from earlier. Erica, Teshik, and a bunch of other people who aren't important enough to get names are writing their exam. The professor has just informed them they have about half an hour left. Suddenly, Bifi barges in. _

**SuperTard**: Fear not, fellow Amazons! I am here to rescue you.

_Naturally, there is commotion – mostly because of her outfit. Teshik slaps his hand on his forehead. _

**Erica**: Bifi? Errr...how about you come with me and... lie down for a minute? Or ten? (_whispering, to Teshik_) Why didn't you tell me she had drug problems?

_Teshik shrugs apologetically with his shoulders, then smiles broadly when Erica's not looking. _

**Professor**: O---kay, Miss Roll, you were probably under a lot of stress lately. How about you come with me and we'll get you a nice cuppa coffee? (_pauses_) It's an _Amazonian_ cuppa coffee. Hmmm? Whadda ya think?

**SuperTard**: I think you deserve to die, sexist pig!

**Erica**: (_quiet, to Teshik_) And that to a man who is probably as heterosexual as Michael Jackson is normal. (_out loud_) Come on, Bifi, we will...

_The belt's ancient powers of instant PMS-induction hit poor Erica and her female classmates in that moment._

**Erica**: ...rid the world of the male sexist pig dictators ! AAARRRGH!

_Erica and the other girls launch themselves to the nearest male target possible. Teshik, sitting a little on the side and unharmed, watches for a moment. Then regards his almost filled out exam papers. He ponders for a moment, sighs, then reaches a decision and carefully packs away his glasses, and setting his bag aside. Then he takes off his left shoe, climbs onto the table, shrugs with his shoulders, raises his boothand above his head and jumps right into the middle of the fray. Meanwhile, SuperTard has a seldom flash of sanity, which is promptly squashed when she encounters the asian demon version of Hera. _

---

_That evening. Manor attic. InvisibLeo, Phoebe and Piper are abusing the BoS. Teshik enters. While his glasses and his bag are still intact, his clothes are torn and he has a rather impressive black eye forming on his right side. His left shoe is nowhere to be seen. _

**Piper**: Oh wow. What bus ran you over?

_Teshik holds up a cue card saying „You should see the other guy, er **gal**". Then he makes a few waving hand movements, then waits in expectation._

**Phoebe**: We should...check you out?

**InvisibLeo**: Ooh, a charade! How many words, how many syllables?

**Phoebe**: Godzilla! A syringe? Spinach?

**InvisibLeo**: A cheerleader? Monkeys?

_Teshik throws up his hands in anger, then walks over to the book stand and flips the book open to the Object of Objection spell. _

**Piper**: Ah!

_Let the Object of Objection_

_become but a dream_

_as I cause the seen _

_to be unseen._

_The Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls surround Teshik, repair his clothes, give him his shoe back and remove the black eye. _

**MuTeshik**: ... . ...! (_He looks frustrated_)

**Piper**: Thought it would give your voice back, huh? Sorry, we already tried that one on Leo. It seems we have to get the belt off Bifi to turn you both back.

**InvisibLeo**: And we were just about to summon her. I guess we two better hide, so she won't go postal on us.

_Teshik raises an eyebrow in the general direction of Leo's voice. _

**InvisibLeo**: Oh. Right. Okay, you hide, I'll just shut up.

_Teshik crouches himself behind Aunt Pearls sofa. _

**Phoebe and Piper**:

_Power of the Witches rise_

_Course unseen across the skies, _

_come to us who call you near, _

_come to us and settle here. _

_SuperTard apparates. _

**SuperTard**: You! Why did you summon me! Why can't I just create my Utopia?

**Piper**: Err...Utopia? Sounds great! We're all about Utopias!

**Phoebe**: Yeah! We even erased one from existence once!

_Piper slams Phoebe with her elbow in the side. _

**Phoebe**: Ow. Err, I mean, we helped creating it.

**SuperTard**: Really? That's...

**Piper**: Now!

_Phoebe lets go of the final crystal, the SuperTard is trapped in it. _

**SuperTard**: You LIED to me! Hera was rrright! AaaaaaAAAAAAHHH...

_Piper and Phoebe, sensing the incredibly crappy blue screen action forming, both dive behind Aunt Pearls sofa. The resulting energy burst from the SuperTard rips everything in the attic apart. Except for the sofa. I swear, that thing probably survives nuclear warfare. Then, Kaley Cuoco delivers a bad line very, very badly (probably because she hated that garbage as much as I did) and SuperTard blurries out of here. After a moment, the trio's heads pop out behind the sofa. _

**Piper**: Oh. That bitch is going to clean up this mess with a _toothbrush_!

_Teshik taps Phoebe on the shoulder, then covers his eyes, and raises his arms to indicate a question. _

**Phoebe**: Huh? I don't follow.

_Teshik rolls his eyes, then indicates a beer gut. _

**Phoebe**: Oh! Leo! Piper, where's Leo?

**InvisibLeo**: I'm here, and I saw that. I hate you.

**Phoebe**: Meh, whatever.

---

_Magic School. Major Demon Hide-Out. Whatever. SuperTard has just vanquished Hera's boss as well as her demon underling. Teshik enters, carrying a pack of cue cards. _

**Hera**: Who're you?

_Teshik ignores her and shows SuperTard a rapid succession of cue cards. She is reading them out loud. _

**SuperTard**: „Hey Retard" -_flip_- „you'll never guess" -_flip_- „what happens" -_flip_- „right now" -_flip_- „the sisters are" -_flip_- „creating your " -_flip_- „women utopia " -_flip_- „by the way, " -_flip_- „this is totally" -_flip_- „not a distraction" -_flip_- „for Leo to " -_flip_- „get the right book" -_flip_- „giving it back" -_flip_- „to the sisters" -_flip_- „for them to get " -_flip_- „you out of" -_flip_- „that belt" -_flip_- „and I sincerely" -_flip_- „hope the Dolt" -_flip_- „is into position" -_flip_- „in this moment" -_flip_- „because I'm " -_flip_- „fresh out of" -_flip_- „cue cards." -_flip_- „NOW!" Now? What now?

**Paige, Piper and Phoebe: **

_For all the world  
To work as one  
In harmony,  
It must be undone._

_The belt flashes golden, enveloping Teshik and the reappearing Leo in a golden Light. The belt falls off and SuperTard morphs back into RegularTard. We see now that Leo, Bifi and Teshik are standing in a triangle. _

**Paige**: Belt thingie!

The belt orbs to snap shut on Hera's hips. She implodes, as well as the belt.

**Teshik**: Test? Eins, zwei, drei? Oh thank the seven heavens! (_looks at Bifi_) You! _You_! **You awful sorry excuse for a human being it's Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned and your goddamn empowering and amazonian bullshit only served to bring emancipation and gender role imaging back into the dark fifties you dim bitch and why on earth do I have to endure you every sunday evening and oh Lord how I wish you to horribly and painfully die only so I can resurrect you and kill you some MORE!** (_he breathes heavily and fixates the Bimbo with and intent, and quite insane stare)_

**Paige**: Are **you** done?

**Teshik**: (_calming down_) -_pant_- Yes. -_pant-_ I think so. -_pant_- for now. You should -_pant_- really work on your -_pant_- vocabulary though.

**Bifi**: Okay, I get that I, like, totally was possessed or something, but why did we have to stand in a triangle for the spell to work?

**Leo**: Well, do you know the story of the three monkeys? One covers his eyes, one covers his mouth, and one his ears. And since you wouldn't listen to any logical argument, I figured this has to be the right spell.

**Bifi**: But what has this to do with monkeys?

_Paige holds up the book they've been reciting the spell out of. It is entitled „Storey Ideas For Ye Olde Chrackmonkay If Run Out Of Ye Good Ones". It is opened at Chapter Eight, Paragraph Eight, Entitled „About Ye Baboones And Ye Baboonitas"._

**Piper**: And now young lady, you're coming with me. _(she gives Bifi an old used toothbrush and begins to drag her out of the room)_

**Teshik**: Oh, and don't oversleep tomorrow, you have a court hearing regarding the riots you incited.

**Bifi**: _What_!

**Paige**: And **after** that, you wouldn't **want** to miss your first group **thera**py session regarding **your** drug abuse and violent **ten**dencies. I talked Hen**ry** into being your pa**role** officer, so don't **set** me into a bad **light** by screwing **up**.

**Bifi**: WHAT!

**Teshik**: Oh, and by the way, Professor Hithero will not only fail you in sociology as soon as he's out of the hospital, he also signed the ongoing petition of Mrs. Slodkins to get you thrown out of college.

**Bifi**: Oh NOOOOhohohohooooooooo!

_She dissolves into sobs, but cold, hard and unbending Piper drags her off like the delinquent she is._

**Teshik**: Ah. Don't you just love stories with a happy ending?

_Ye happy Ending. _


	9. Extra: Cancelled!

**Extra: Oh Shit! We're cancelled!**

_Fade up to the Manor kitchen. The P's and Teshik are sitting around the center island. They all look oddly somber and thoughtful. On the center island lies an issue of the Bay Mirror. The article on the first page is labelled: The Ausiello Report – Charmed Cancelled!_

**Phoebe**: That's like...wow.

**Paige**: To**ta**lly.

**Teshik**: Yeah.

_Bifi barges in._

**Bifi**: Hey guys! Guess what, I have a new lead in finding my sister, all I need to do is getting everyone in mortal peril! Isn't that nice? Guys?

**Teshik**: (_absent_) Err... drop down dead. Or something.

**Bifi**: What's wrong with you? (_She spots the newspaper_) What? We're _cancelled_? This can't be!

**Piper**: Bummer, huh?

**Bifi**: But this is my very first season here! How come it just has to end just now when I join the cast?

**Teshik**: Nah. Too easy. Waaaay too easy.

**Phoebe**: Well, the bigger question is, what're we going to do now? Will you still continuing to review episodes?

**Teshik**: If there's enough interest in it? I definitely want to finish reviewing the last episodes. From there, it's a fog wall, even for me.

**Bifi**: But...But it can't end! It _mustn't_! It just can't! Charmed is my life!

**Paige**: Well, **duh**, since we're **fic**tional **char**acters and **all**.

**Phoebe**: Besides, it's been eight years. And it sucked at the end, this is why Teshik started writing in the first place. Isn't it time to move on?

**Bifi**: But there's still sssso much stories to tell!

**Piper**: And that would be?

**Bifi**: Well...er...epic love stories! Wacky hijinks! Encounters with magical creatures! Vanquishing the ultimate Evil!

**Paige**: Bah. **Been** there, done **that**, got **bored**.

**Phoebe**: Hell, some of us have even _been_ the ultimate Evil.

**Teshik**: Which reminds me, I still wanted to ask you about that human sacrifice ceremony at your coronation...

**Phoebe**: Errr...could we change topic? Like, really quick?

**Piper**: I knew it!

**Bifi**: Coronation?

**Paige**: Oh, Phoebe **might** have neglected to tell **you** she's been married to the **Source** Of All **Evil** and was carrying the **Spawn** Of Hell **once**.

**Phoebe**: Ach, Pshaw. Greatly overrated. And besides, that was over four years ago. I was still traumatized because of Prue, and did some stupid things.

**Bifi**: Prue? Who's Prue?

**Piper**: Oh god, that could take ages to explain.

**Teshik**: Don't worry, I came here prepared. (_He take a remote control with an antenna out of his pocket_) Given the batteries won't die out, we'll have enough flashbacks to last the entire episode.

**Piper**: You were too lazy to do something more creative for the situation, weren't you?

**Teshik**: Yes.

**Bifi**: Will you explain now who this Prue is or not?

**Teshik**: Patience, my little single-braincell-lifeform. Prue was part of the golden years, back before Paige showed up and the show's quality went to hell. (_to Paige_) not meant as an offense.

**Paige**: None **ta**ken.

**Teshik**: You see Retard, you have to take into account how things changed over the last eight years. Take for example, my very first encounter with the Original Halliwell Sisters.

_He pushes a button on his remote. The BlurryVision™ activates and with the appropiate chiming sound effect, the picture takes us onto our first flashback._

---

_(**Background Music**: Fatboy Slim – Praise You) _

_October 1998, Prescott Street. All is quiet, until a rectangular portal opens right before house number 1329, and spews out the Season 1 version of Teshik. through the rectangle we can see a typical teenager's room out of a TV's perspective, although it's too far away for us to make out any details. _

_Season 1 Teshik wears jeans, as present Teshik does, but his green sweater looks like he was dressed by his mommy. His hair indicates many tries (and failures) to comb it into middle parting, it could use a trimming, and his shoes date back towards a trend in the early nineties. It's probably a universal law that you look like hot buttered ass on toast as long as you're a teen. No wonder they're moody and a pain in the ass all the time. He looks way younger than today (read: no visible beard growth, brackets, and slowly regressing acne), and doesn't wear glasses yet. He stands up, looks around and..._

_The picture freezes._

**Bifi**: (_offscreen_) Wait a minute! Brackets? You were about eighteen back then!

**Teshik**: (_offscreen_) Shut up Retard, I'm narrating. I got the brackets out about six weeks later, finally.

**Bifi**: And those acne! You must have been really unpopular at school.

**Teshik**: I said, shut up.

**Bifi**: I bet you were a late bloomer. Probably the last guy with pube hairs or something.

**Teshik**: Okay, that does it.

_The flashback resumes._

_...a little blond girl zooms past him. It's Grade School Bifi, and boy, is she ugly. Horn rimmed glasses, Pippi Longstocking braids, spreckles, and a dress even an Amish girl wouldn't want to be caught dead in. Not to mention the crooked mouth and the maggot chin of course. She is running away from a bunch of sixth-grade bullies, who'll probably beat her up and stick her into a garbage container when they get her. Which will happen quite soon, since Grade School Bifi is already slowing down, the bullies advancing on her._

**Bifi** : Hey! That didn't really happen!

**Teshik**: It did now. And you will shut up, this instant, or I will write that they shaved your head that day.

_Innyway, Teshik has gone up to the Manor front porch by now. He hesitates for quite a while – he seems quite shy – then rings the doorbell. When the door opens, he stands opposite to no one other than Season 1 Prue Halliwell – the one with the bob haircut. _

**Prue**: Yeah? Whit do you wont?

_You know the look deers or little furry animals have when they are looking into the headlights of a large truck heading for them? Well, furry lil' Teshik is staring directly into a pair of wonky, but deadly headlights right now. _

**Teshik**: I...I...sorry...

_Fortunately for him, Season 1 Phoebe appears behind her big sister. Her hair is a tad shorter than Prue's, and she's wearing a decent sweater in white, covering her up entirely. The first thing you notice when you look at her are her soft dark brown eyes, however. _

**Phoebe**: Don't look at him like that Prue, or he'll probably burst into flames. Hi! I'm Phoebe! Who are you?

**Teshik**: I'm Teshik.Can I ...May I come in?

**Phoebe**: Sure you can!

_The flashback freezes again._

**Bifi**: Okay, now you're setting me up. I call bullshit.

**Teshik**: Haven't I told you repeatedly to shut up?

**Bifi**: Oh, come on. No way this really happened. I mean, apart from you being all shy, Phoebe has at least twenty pounds more on her hips, and what's with the covering up? And besides, why are you chummy with Phoebe of all people? Shouldn't you ally with Piper?

**Piper**: No, my season 1 version and his together would be a bit ... much.

**Bifi**: And what exactly is that supposed to mean? And another one, you didn't have this screenname back then, so you should've answered with your real life name, right?

**Teshik**: I edited that for simplicity reasons. Bleeping /_Teshik's reallife name he'll only tell people he likes and who ask politely/_ over every mention of my name would get really old really fast. Plus, it's a bitch to type. Can we finally get on with it, please? I'd like to finish this text under the 10 pages mark this time.

**Paige**: You always want to do that. It never works.

**Teshik**: People? The point of a flashback is that the present folk isn't present.

**Bifi**: But it's much more fun that way!

**Teshik**: Fine. Fine! But you'll pay for that.

**Bifi**: What do you mean?

_The flashback resumes. _

_Teshik enters, carefully avoiding Prue. Before the door closes, however, we hear a girl scream._

**Grade School Bifi**(_offscreen_): No! Not my Pippi Longstocking hair! _Nooooo_!

**Phoebe**: What was that?

**Prue**: Oh, just thit weird girl from a few blocks doin. I rilly hope hir perints lock her up in inn issylum soon. (_closes the door_)

_Prue goes upstairs, Phoebe and Teshik proceed to the living room._

**Phoebe**: Don't mind her. I just moved back in, and she's a little pissed about that.

**Teshik**: Why?

**Phoebe**: She claims I have slept with her fiancée. But I'd never do such a thing. So, where're you from?

**Teshik**: Uh, that's a weird story. I was just watching television, when suddenly the TV sucked me in. Normally this only happens with sci-fi shows. Or Buffy. Or an especially good movie.

**Phoebe**: Well, I guess this is a good sign, then. (_pauses_) Hey, wanna see something cool? I found our old Ouija board!

_She takes it and places it on the couch table. As soon as she places the pointer on the board, however, it starts to move on its own accord. _

**Teshik**: How are you doing that?

**Phoebe** (_scared_) I ain't! Prue! Piper! come quick!

---

_The BlurryVision™ takes us back into the kitchen. _

**Teshik**: And that's where all the weirdness started.

**Phoebe**: Yeah. Good times, though.

**Teshik**: Yeah.

**Paige**: Okay, could **you** cut that **out** please? You're **creep**ing me the **fuck** out with all this friendly**ness** towards one a**noth**er.

**Teshik**: Oh, sorry. (_to Phoebe_) Self-centered slut.

**Phoebe**: Antisocial Freak. (_to Paige_) Better?

**Paige**: Much.

**Bifi**: Hello! People? I still don't know how this Prue person was!

**Phoebe**: Could you just let us wax nostalgic a little?

**Paige**: She does **have** a point, though. And I **like** to hear how Prue **really** was, too.

**Piper**: Allright. Teshik?

**Teshik**: Already whipping up the montage.

---

_(**Background Music** : Meredith Brooks – Bitch)_

_Just assume I'm lurking in the background somewhere in the following shots. _

_-FLASH-_

_**1x01**: Random Drugstore. Prue and Phoebe are standing in the isle. _

**Prue**: I have just found out thit I am a witch, thit my sisters are witches, and thit we have powers thit apparently will unleash all forms of evil -- evil thit is apparently going to come looking for us -- so excuse me, Phoebe, but I'm not exactly in a homeopathic mood right now!"

_-FLASH-_

_**1x02**: Manor. _

**Piper**: You sleaze! And you slept with him on your first date, no less.

**Prue**: Yes, I slept with him. Ind, for yer interest, I'm not ashamed of_ inny_thing, either.

_-FLASH-_

_**3x03**: P3. Prue and Phoebe, under fairy influence, are singing „if you're happy and you know it", the customers flee in disgust._

_-FLASH-_

_**2x11**: Manor. Piper is futzing with an innocent baby of the week_

**Piper**: Oh yeah, I remember what a great babysitter you were.

**Prue** (_to Phoebe_) See?

**Piper**: I mean, just think of all the times when Phoebe was a baby and you kept dropping her on the floor.

**Phoebe**: WHAT?

_-FLASH-_

_**3x06**: Empath Prue rips off the Matrix, complete with the diving into the demon. _

_-FLASH-_

_**1x16**: Three Prue's with different colored jackets use their index fingers to lift a very ugly statue. _

_-FLASH-_

_**2x02**: Future Prue exits her limousine, walking up towards Future Piper. _

**Prue**: Stay! Stay with the car, you lowly subjects of mine!

_-FLASH-_

_**2x09**: _

**Phoebe**: So, where's Prue?

**Piper**: She's impersonating the assassin to find out who this Bane guy is. Oh, by the way, she can astral project herself now.

**Phoebe**: God, I hate her.

_-FLASH-_

_**2x02**: Future Prue makes an absent hand motion and inadvertently destroys the attic. _

**Piper**: Been working out, huh?

_-FLASH-_

_Montage within montage: Prue -zweens- and flings the bad guy/gal into the nearest wall or grandfather clock. She does this, oh, about 66 times._

_-FLASH-_

_**2x05**: The Original Peas are ogling Greasy Dan, washing his car. _

**Piper**: Oh, look at his figure.

**Phoebe**: Look at his muscles.

**Male** **Prue**: Look at his _car_.

_The other P's stare at him._

_-FLASH-_

_**3x22**: Prue kicks all kind of telekinetic ass to get her mortally wounded sister into the nearest hospital._

_-FLASH-_

_**3x22**: Manor. Prue and Piper try to get the innocent to move. _

**Prue**: Come on, Dr. Griffith, we really have to hurry...

_She is interrupted by a whirlwind coalescing into Shax form. Prue prepares to unleash hell, but this time, it's /her/ turn to get flung into a wall. Piper follows. _

**Dr. Griffith**: Wh...who are you?

**Shax**: The end.

_He flings the innocent into a window. _

_-FLASH-_

_---_

_We return into the kitchen. _

**Piper**: Oh, Prue. How do I miss you. (_pause_) Wait a minute. When did I get shot in the stomach by a stupid hippie?

**Teshik**: Time Loop.

**Piper**: Care to elaborate?

**Teshik**: No, since there's an episode missing between 3x22 and 4x01, I'm about as clueless as you are.

**Bifi**: I don't see what's the big deal with her. I mean, Paige is telekinetic, And I am too, Hell, I even have the same sound effect. So there isn't anything to miss now, is there?

_The older P's and Teshik narrow their eyes at her. _

**Teshik**: Oh, just think what Prue would have done to her clueless imbecile ass.

**Phoebe**: Yeah. She would have bitched her out...

**Piper**: ...then flung her into the nearest wall...

**Teshik**: ...vanquishing the grandfather clock with her sorry ass, no doubt...

**Phoebe**: ...and if she still would keep resisting mighty Prue...

**Piper**: ...then she'd TK her far, far into the sky, then let her fall...

**Phoebe, Piper and Teshik together**: ...directly into an industrial meat grinder.

_They sigh simultaneously and cherish the thought for a moment. _

**Bifi**: I hate you all.

**Paige**: Then, be glad that it's ending.

**Bifi**: No! I don't want it to end. I want it to get better!

**Teshik**: That's been my wish for three and a half years now, and look where it got me.

**Bifi**: But there are so many stories untold! I mean, we're witches! Imagine what could happen to all of us! What we could become!

**Teshik**: Bifi? Look at this montage and then tell me what we _haven't_ been.

_BlurryVision™ takes us into the second montage._

_---_

_(**Background Music**: 2 Unlimited – Twilight Zone (but about anything else by that group works fine for montages like this, too)_

_-FLASH-_

_**2x05**: Attic. It makes poof. When the smoke lifts, Prue's a man._

_-FLASH-_

_**4x18**: Paige's room, Teshik and Piper enter. Paige is hanging at her ceiling, upside down. She bares her fangs, transforms into a bat and flies out into the night. _

_-FLASH-_

_**5x01**: Phoebe emerges from the water, ripping of Arielle, the little Mermaid. _

_-FLASH-_

_**3x21**: Manor, staircase. Piper, Teshik and Phoebe are chasing a big white dog who escapes out of the house. _

**Piper**: Prue! Come back here, bitch!

_-FLASH-_

_**4x21**: Phoebe's eyes flip beetle-black and she disappears through the floor. _

_-FLASH-_

_**7x22**: The P's glamour Leo and themselves into their twenty-something disguises. _

_-FLASH-_

_**5x19**: Paige and Teshik are surrounded by evil wood nymphs. They throw some mojo, and Paige transforms into a skimpily dressed wood nymph, while Teshik morphs into a satyr. Of the goat feet variety. Both look down at themselves, then look at each other. _

**Paige and Teshik**: Oh FUCK!

_-FLASH-_

_**1x15**: Basement. Phoebe warily looks around, armed with a flashlight. _

**Phoebe**: He...Hello?

_The Woogyman possesses her. _

_-FLASH-_

_**3x18**: The Box of the Seven Deadly Bath Beads – er, Sins is opened by the Demon Of The Week. The original P's, Teshik and Leo are hit with the Bath Beads of Pride, Gluttony, Lust, Envy and Sloth, respectively. _

_-FLASH-_

_**7x19**: Phoebe wakes up in a cage to discover she is now in horridly disfigured Imara's body. _

_-FLASH-_

_**4x05**: Gammill puts two new clay figurines, of Piper and Teshik, next to the already standing figurines of Paige, Phoebe, and a random Innocent. _

**Teshik** (_mumbling_): Just wanted you to know, Piper: If we get out of this one alive, I'm going to kill your little bastard of a half-sister for getting us into this.

**Piper** (_mumbling_): Not if I get to her first.

_-FLASH-_

_**3x02**: Brooke and the Owl share a tender moment. _

_-FLASH-_

_**5x10**: Duncan McLeod transforms poor Paige into a mummy. _

_-FLASH-_

_**4x12**: Phoebe, in 50's attire and apparently missing a few screws, flares black-and-white. _

_-FLASH-_

_Didn't really happen: Attic. Man-hating Grams recites a spell to „fix" the Done One. Unfortunately, something goes wrong. Leo and Teshik goggle at their suddenly appearing gazongas, while the P's learn they're equipped with a whole new appendage. By the way, Grams wears a goatee now. _

**Gramps**: Oops.

**Teshikina**: „Oops" doesn't even begin to cover that, lady. Mister. Oh hell.

_-FLASH-_

_**5x05**: Miss Marvel-ous Hair, Phewbilee and The Bionic Paige are confronting the ÜberAss._

_-FLASH-_

_**7x20**: Kitchen. Under the eyes of his father, Junior Dolt morphs into Mangy Jesus in a quite bad special effect. _

_-FLASH-_

_**4x04**: Phoebe and Paige accidentally switch bodies. Much to the dismay of Paige-in-Phoebe, because she gets a mouthful of Coles boot in her face for her troubles. _

_-FLASH-_

_**5x04**: The Percolating Infant switches Mommy's and Daddy's powers around and flings them around the room for good measure._

_-FLASH-_

_**6x15**: Phoebe got screwed into being a jeannie. She checks herself out in a mirror._

**Phoennie**: That's bull! Why do I always get stuck with the wig job?

**Teshik**: Because you're the woman who has by far the ugliest hairdo around here?

_-FLASH-_

_**4x03**: Piper receives passive-smoke and transforms into a scantily-clad Fury. _

_-FLASH-_

_Didn't happen at all: A UFO descends on 1329 Prescott Street, and abducts Phoebe. Before the others decide what to do (if anything at all), the UFO returns, lands in the backyard, and two Aliens step out. One has Phoebe attached to it. _

**Q'onos**: Get it off me, get it off me!

**Kang**: We're really sorry, we didn't know you were such an...aggressive species.

**Phoebe**: You know you want me little alien! Baby Daddy, yeah!

_-FLASH-_

_**6x18**: Chris flings out his arms to entangle the Manor Morons in quite icky webbing. _

_-FLASH-_

_**8x08**: Homeland Security Warehouse._

**Bifi**: (_tries on the belt_) Hey look! The belt fits!

_And with this, Bifi Roll promptly morphs into SuperTard. It's a Nightmare In Plastic. No wonder Miss Cuoco cried when she saw that outfit. And that didn't even take hairdo and eye-shadow into consideration. Teshik reacts by pointing with his finger and dissolving into dirty laughter. _

**Phoebe**: (_fistpumping_) Yes, yes, YES! I'm not the slut-possessed this episode! YES!

_-FLASH-_

_**7x04**: Attic. Geriatric Paige gets helped onto Aunt Pearls sofa. She looks downright surreal in her slutty attire. _

_-FLASH-_

_**4x07**: Piper, in asylum wear, runs onto the middle of the street. She gets a windshield in her face for this stupidity. _

_-FLASH-_

_**8x11**: Bifi's parents, deciding they had enough of this garbage, morph into deadly assassins. With a capital „ass" in it. _

_-FLASH-_

_**4x10**: Manor kitchen. _

**Phoebe**: Oh, Frankie!

**Cole**: Oh, Lulu!

**Piper**: „Lulu"? Sounds like a poodle.

**Teshik**: Yeah, pardon me, I have to go „Lulu" in the bathroom.

_-FLASH-_

_**7x06**: The P's stare at the moon, transform into hellhounds and decide it's time for dinner. Much to the dismay of Teshik and the random whitelighter they hired as bait. Teshik, thinking fast, grabs the whitelighter, throws him between him and the Glamorous hellhounds, and decides it's time for his union break. _

**Random Whitelighter**: Umm...Peace?

_Pieces, more likely. _

_-FLASH-_

_**6x11**: Hippie Grams enters the kitchen, where Leo and Chris are trying to fend off the Blob. _

**Grams**: You know what would really help in this situation?

**Chris**: Please, don't tell me.

**Grams**: Looooove!

**Chris**: Haaaaaate!

_-FLASH-_

_**4x19**: The Cole Of All Evil and his Queen Phoebe are walking towards their coronation. _

_-FLASH-_

_**5x21**: Leo unleashes the amphora of Godly Powers unto the P's, who transform into the Goddess of War, the Goddess of Being Pissed Off and The Goddess of Sluts._

_-FLASH-_

_**6x13**: A karma with unfinished business dives directly into Phoebe. Mata Whori decides her best way of revenge is behaving like a dirty slut. Of course she does. _

_-FLASH-_

_**4x10**: Leo, Paige and Teshik emerge from the interdimensional doorway. The Dolt remains the same, but Paige gets morphed into a teen version – complete with brackets and shitty outfit – and Teshik shrinks into Grade School Version. _

**Grade School Teshik**: You giant doo-doo-head! (_he kicks Leo on the shin_)

_-FLASH-_

_**7x05**: Death kills Piper because he's too lazy to make an extra shift. _

_-FLASH-_

_Didn't really happen either: Phoebe and Teshik are mucho surprised to find themselves as conjoint twins._

**Paige**: Hmm. I guess that means I might have screwed up the wording.

**Piper**: Gee, ya think?

**Teshik**: Let me have her! I'm going to kill the bastard this time!

_He tries to advance on Paige to strangle her, but since Phoebe's half isn't working with him, they both spin ineffectually around their own axis. _

_-FLASH-_

_**8x09**: Piper descends the stairs in time to see Phoebe vanquishing a table with her ass. An unknown WWF reject seems to have stolen Bifi's outfit and advances on them. _

**Phoebe**: No, no, no, Piper, no Hands! It's Bifi!

**Teshik**: Yes, yes, yes, Piper, Hands! Deploy Hands! It's Bifi!

_-FLASH-_

_**3x09**: Coyote Piper is dancing on her bar. At least the male customers are delighted. Did I say delighted? I meant aroused. _

_-FLASH-_

_We return to the Manor, into the living room, for a change of scenery. Various photo albums are being looked at. Bifi stands at the side of one of the sofas, still fuming that everyone seems to give into fate so easily. _

**Bifi**: Fine. There have been quite a few transformations. But that doesn't mean this has to be the end of the line! You'll see! I'll show ya! (_She storms off_)

_What will Bifi do that will most certainly annoy the others? Will it raise any interests from the readers at all? Will Teshik forget about this non-tense non-cliffhanger and simply continue with Episode 8x09? Will Paige finally shave her stupid moustache? Tune in and find out! _


	10. Extra: Cheapass Clip Show, Part II

**Extra: Oh Shit! We're cancelled! Part II**

_We open up in the living room. Not-Yet-Icicle Leo has joined the pack. _

**Paige**: And **then** she stormed **up** to the attic to **pout**. What**e**ver.  
**Leo**: Aren't you concerned about what she might do?  
**Piper**: Bah, she'll probably hunt a few more demons to find her sister and blow off steam about the whole cancelled thing.  
**Leo**: Well, it is a big change for all of us. Luckily, at this point, we all still have 14 episodes to shine and be ourselves.  
**Teshik**: (_gets shiftily_) Yeah. Right. We all.  
**Leo**: What's that supposed to mean?  
**Teshik**: Errr...Phew, it sure is warm at this time of year, don't you think?  
**Leo**: It's winter. (_suspicious_) What are you hiding?  
**Teshik**: I...errm...look! Behind you! A three-headed monkey!  
**Leo**: What? Where? (_he runs of in search of the monkey_)  
**Teshik**: Thank God for small favors. Or big Dolts.  
**Piper**: Will you explain what that was about?  
**Teshik**: Can't. Pivotal future plot point. Sorry. (_pause_) Anyway, do you remember the one time we were stuck in that time-loop and were constantly killed until Phoebe figured it out?  
**Paige**: Real**ly**? Oh, **tell** more!  
**Phoebe**: Well, it all started one morning, _I_ just thought _I_ had random premonitions, but actually, they were...

_Bifi enters.  
_  
**Bifi**: Ah-HA!

_The others raise their collective eyebrows, but decide to do nothing.  
_  
**Phoebe**: ...memories of a past day. It all seemed to totally random, like the cat throwing over things and...  
**Bifi**: I said, AAH-HAA!

_The others twitch, but still won't bite, much to Bifi's frustration.  
_  
**Phoebe**: ...so _I _just thought _I_ was imagining things.  
**Bifi**: AH-HA! AH-HA, AH-HA, AH-HAAAAAAAAA!  
**Piper**: (_sighs_) Well, Bifi. We didn't see you before. What is it.  
**Bifi**: I told you guys I'd come up for plans for future seasons. I have them, written here.

_She presents a college block. On the top page is scribbled „Beefy an teh Sharmd 1's. Scrip 4 Seazun 9".  
_  
**Bifi**: There are tons of story possibilities, guaranteeing us even a _twelfth_ season.

_Paige suddenly looks very pale.  
_  
**Paige**: But...I ne**ver** meant to **make** TV, I **ne**ver wanted **it,** I **don't** do T**V**, oh **no**, I **will** ne**ver** get **out** of hee**heee**heeeeere...(_sobs, Teshik and Phoebe comfort her_)  
**Phoebe**: No, no, dear, it's cancelled. For real!  
**Paige**: For **real** this time? It's not **like** last **year**?  
**Teshik**: 99.99 per cent sure. Trust us. Breathe.  
**Piper**: See that? You made the Spastic cry. Bad Bifi. Apologize!  
**Bifi**: But you haven't even heard my story ideas yet!  
**Piper**: And after I blow your stoopid block up, we won't have to.  
**Teshik**: Wait, Piper. As much I like to see the Retard cry, we might get a laugh out of that one.  
**Bifi**: Thank you, Teshik. (_pauses_) This sentence sounds wrong somehow.  
**Teshik**: Trust me, hearing it from you is even weirder. Go on, spill it.  
**Bifi**: Okay, first of all, since we had many magical hijinks in the last few years, I decided it would be more interesting if we all focused on personal relationships instead. Like, the sister-y stuff.  
**Phoebe**: That sounds suspiciously reasonable.  
**Piper**: Bah. Wait for it.  
**Bifi**: First of all, I'm thinking of a relationship dynamic. Paige? You'll get a longterm boyfriend, who you will eventually marry. How about that policeman you met the other day?  
**Paige**: But **he** is...  
**Bifi**: Secondly, Phoebe? You'll get the season arc guys. Around mid-season, you'll get a boyfriend who'll quite possibly be involved in the mid-season storyline, but will almost always be gone by season-end. Because he's dead, because he can't cope with magic, some of that sort.  
**Phoebe**: And if _I_ don't want...  
**Bifi**: Lastly, I will become the slutty one who randomly picks slampieces that hold about one or two episodes, then vanish without a trace. It will be an emotional burden, of course, but I will bravely shoulder it.  
**Piper**: What about me? Leo and I are still together, right?  
**Bifi**: (_giggles_) Oh, no, no, no, Piper, silly! We already have a long-term relationship! You two will get through an ugly divorce, after that Leo will leave.  
**Piper**: Wait. Everybody gets sex but me? Why?  
**Bifi**: But Piper! You already have _kids_. You don't _need_ anymore sex!

_Piper begins to twitch.  
_  
**Phoebe**: Quick! She's gonna blow!

_Paige, Teshik and Phoebe, who are all sitting on one sofa, decide the fastest method of finding cover is to fling themselves backwards, upturning the sofa in the process. _

**Piper**: You...You!...  
**Bifi**: I what?

_The upturned sofa produces six arms and legs, who seem determined to get out of the fallout area. Unfortunately, no one of them dares to stick out his or her head, so their improvised shelter keeps bonking into living room walls. _

**Paige**: Stop **step**ping on**to** my hand, Te**shik**! -_bonk_-  
**Teshik**: Get your ass out of my face first! -_bonk_-

_Piper's forehead vein begins to throb dangerously. _

**Paige**: That's **not** my **ass**! -_bonk_-  
**Phoebe**: Wait. If that's _your_ face, who's looking at me right now? -_bonk_-  
**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-  
**Phoebe, Teshik and Paige**: AAAAAAAHHHHH!

_All of them get up and run. The sofa is sent flying, embedding itself in the living-room ceiling. The little Psycho smiles. It's even scarier than him staring. _

**Piper**: (_closes her eyes, tries to breathe slowly_) Remember. Our Police File is Two-Hundred-And-Sixty-Eight Pages long. Two-Hundred-And-Sixty-Eight. I don't want another entry. Blowing the Retard into tiny pieces is **not** what I want.

_The little Psycho walks up to his Mommy. _

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-  
**Piper**: Oh, hey there little muffin!  
**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-  
**Piper**: No, no, no! I don't want to kill the imbecile! (_pause_) Wait, who told you that word?  
**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-  
**Piper**: Really? I guess I'll have to have a little chat with him, then.  
**Bifi**: Piper, why do you keep pretending your son talks? He hasn't said anyth...

_Wyatt turns his head towards Bifi. Without moving his body appropriately. Since he was turning his back towards her, this looks more than a little creepy. _

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-  
**Bifi**: Gah! Don't kill me!  
**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-  
**Bifi**: No, no, I'm a good witch! I can do anything!

_Paige's head pops up at the left of the other living room entrance. _

**Paige**: Did she **kill** her **yet**?

_Teshik's head pops up at the right of the entrance. _

**Teshik**: Well, if she didn't, the little menace did.

_Now Phoebe's head pops up at the top of the entrance, upside down. _

**Phoebe**: Nah. He's more into the torturing thing these days.

_Paige and Teshik look up._

**Paige**: Hey, didn't you **say **you haven't **got **back levi**ta**tion yet?  
**Phoebe**: Actually, _I_ had it back for months. _I_ just don't like it when Piper gets _me_ to scrub the ceiling again.  
**Piper**: I heard that! You know where everything is. And don't finish until I can eat from that hardwood.  
**Phoebe**: Fuck.  
**Piper**: Watch your language! My little darling is still in the room.  
**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-  
**Phoebe**: Whatever.

_She stands up and goes off in search for cleansing utensils. The fact that she's defying gravity by walking on the ceiling doesn't seem to bother her, as well as the rest of the Manor Morons. After a while, you get used to almost innything, I guess. _

**Piper**: And now, Teshik will give us the appropriate montage related to our past and current relationships.  
**Teshik**: Yeah, sure, let me just fetch the remote…(_he rummages in his pockets_) Hmm. I must have lost it when…

_They collectively look at the place where the sofa once stood. Then move their looks towards the entrance to the solarium, where end tables and broken vases lie on the floor. Finally, they turn their heads upwards to look at the sofa which is only partly remaining in the first floor. At the very edge of the upholstery, a bit of antenna can be spotted. _

**Teshik**: Ouch.  
**Paige**: Well, **at** least it **didn't** have to **suffer** much.  
**Bifi**: So how are we getting montages now?  
**Teshik**: Dammit. Err, I think I still have another one lying on my desk. Be right back.

_With that, Teshik snaps with his fingers. A black hole opens in the middle of the living room. He steps in it without hesitation. After a few seconds, he returns with the spare remote and a fresh cup of cappuccino in his other hand . Also, he is dressed differently now. The hole closes after him. _

**Teshik**: Good morning ladies.  
**Piper**: I hate it when you do this. 4th wall and all that.  
**Bifi**: What the hell was that?  
**Teshik**: Interdimensional portal. I have to enter and exit the Charmedverse somehow, don't I? Oh well, where were we?  
**Piper**: Montage, relationship-related.  
**Teshik**: One gazillion slampieces on a platter, coming right up. (_pushes button on the remote_)

_(Background Music: Doop – Doop (No, it's not a typo.))_

-FLASH-

_1x02: Prue wakes up in Andy's apartment, and tries to leave quietly. The same day, Andy's alarm clock learned to fly. _

-FLASH-

_3x07: Cole's apartment. Phoebe has just flung herself into Coles arms. He reacts by slowly raising a dagger over her unsuspecting back. How romantic. _

-FLASH-

_1x01: The old story. Boy meets Girl, Girls falls in love with Boy, Girl receives powers from ancient book, Boy wants to kill Girl with athame, Girl freezes and vanquishes Boy. Ain't love grand? _

-FLASH-

**Piper: **You're still gonna have to back up the Cupid claim.  
**The Original Cupid: **Okay, fine. (_He points to Piper_.) Dan, (_points to Prue_) Jack, (_points to Phoebe_) Clay _(points to Prue_) Andy. My sincerest condolences. Eric in London, Alec in college, (_points to Piper_) Not Jeremy the Warlock, Joe in college, Barry in high school, Tim in eighth grade, (_points to Phoebe_) Ken, Kyle, Steve, Mike, Ken again, Brian, Joel, Martin, Peter, Paul, Tony…

-FLASH-

2x15: _Unfinished Condominium._  
**Bane**: I think I saw in a _dream_ a _sign_ that I can _trust_ you.  
**Prue**: Ind I _trust_ in yer _sign_ to _dream_. Lit me tend to yer wound. (_They mack, totally forgetting the wound in the process_)

-FLASH-

_4x16: P3. Leo rapes Piper with a bottle. She rather enjoys it. Meanwhile, not unrelated, Teshik is entering the Seventh Circle of Hell. _

-FLASH-

_Charmed, Season 2, the Directors Cut: Piper opens her Jeep Grand Cherokee – and finds Prue in there, making out with Bane._  
**Piper**(_shocked_): Prue! Oh my God! (_She freezes Bane_) Oh my God! Oh my God!  
**Prue**: Piper? Chill. Remimber whit the doctor sed about yer inxiety?  
**Piper**: B-B-B-But B-B-_Bane_! H-he tried to k-k-k-kill us!  
**Prue**: He's over the bad guy thing. He premmised me.  
**Piper**: I-I am officially a-against this.  
**Prue**: Ind whit exactly are yer going to do about it? Dragging me out of the car by my ear, like Grams did whin we were teens?  
**Piper**: I…I…  
**Prue**: Yeah, I thought so. Innyway, just tik my car, the keys are on the mintelpiece. Could yer unfreeze him now? I want a min, not a humin dildo.  
**Piper**: Human Dildo? Hmmm…. (_unfreezes Bane, then walks away, lost in thought_)

-FLASH-

3x18:  
**Prue**: Well, whit happind?  
**Phoebe**: I dunno. I just wanted to talk about my grades, and the next thing I knew, I was opening his zipper with my teeth.  
**Teshik**: Considering the size of your dentures, that was probably scary for both of you.

-FLASH-

_7x10: a cellphone vibrates in the foreground and thus spares us to look directly at Bulgin' Brody mounting Paige the Size Queen. _

-FLASH-

_Cut to Teshik's desk, who just realized that if every slampiece of the Glamorous Ladies gets a scene here, he's going to have four chapters of their shenanigans alone._  
**Teshik**: Arrrgh! Fuck this shit.

-FLASH-

1x01:  
**Piper**: Oh, Jeremy!

-FLASH-

1x02:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Alec!

-FLASH-

1x02-1x22:  
**Prue**: Oh, Indy!

-FLASH-

1x05:  
**Piper**: Oh, dead Chinese guy!

-FLASH-

1x11:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Clay!

-FLASH-

1x15-1x18:  
**Piper**: Oh, Josh!

-FLASH-

2x01:  
**Piper**: Oh, Robert the Yuppie!

-FLASH-

2x04:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Jeff!

-FLASH-

2x05:  
**Prue**: Oh, Allin!

-FLASH-

2x10 – 2x12:  
**Prue**: Oh, Jack!

-FLASH-

2x14:  
**Past Phoebe**: Oh, Anton!

-FLASH-

2x15:  
**Prue**: Oh, Bane!

-FLASH-

2x19:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Famine!

-FLASH-

_Almost the entire season 2:_  
**Piper**: Oh, Dan...oh, Leo! Oh, DAN! OH, LEO! OOOHHHHH!  
**Prue, Phoebe and Teshik**: Oh, _decide_ already, will ya ?

-FLASH-

3x02:  
**Piper**: Oh, Leo!  
**Leo**: Oh, Piper!  
**Elders**: Oh, no, you won't!

-FLASH-

3x04:  
**Prue**: Oh, Micah!

-FLASH-

3x04:  
**Prue**: Oh, Micahs Grit-grit-grit-grit-grindson!

-FLASH-

3x04:  
**Darryl**: Oh, _Leo_!  
**Leo**: Oh, _Darryl_! -_smooch-_

-FLASH-

3x05:  
**Prue**: Oh, Sean...how about tomorrow, or whatever...

-FLASH-

3x15:  
**PrId**: Oh, T.J.!

-FLASH-

3x15:  
**Piper and Leo**: Oh, yes, we WILL!

-FLASH-

3x07 – 3x16:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Cole!

-FLASH-

3x13:  
**Warlock**: Oh, Prue!  
_Prue snores. _

-FLASH-

3x18:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Professor!

-FLASH-

3x18:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Wrathful Policeman!

-FLASH-

3x20 - 4x22:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Cole, again!

-FLASH-

4x01 – 4x02:  
**Paige**: Oh, Shane!

-FLASH-

4x05:  
**Paige**: Oh, Golem Finn!

-FLASH-

4x06:  
**Paige**: Oh, Glenn!

-FLASH-

4x06:  
**Knight in Shiny Armor**: Oh, Paige!

-FLASH-

4x11:  
**Paige**: Oh, Rubber Glenn!

-FLASH-

_Charmed, Season 4, the Directors Cut: Piper opens her closet and finds Paige and Teshik there, making out. Paige's make-up is all over Teshik's face. _

**Piper**: (_shocked_) Teshik!  
**Teshik**: What? I'm busy.  
**Paige**: Hey. Aren't you supposed to say „Paige!" in that shocked tone?  
**Piper**: No, I totally expect you to do that at this point. But Teshik, how could you?  
**Teshik**: Well, it's actually quite simple. You purse your lips, and then...  
**Piper**: I meant with my _sister_!  
**Paige**: Come on. You have Leo, Phoebe has Cole...  
**Teshik**: ...I'm male, she's female. Do the math.  
**Paige**: Besides, we wouldn't have gone any further. Your perverted husband is still „watching over me".  
**Leo**: (_from the depths of the closet_) Am not! (_pauses_) Shit.  
**Paige**: See?  
**Piper**: That's it! No more kissing! (_grabs Teshik's ear_) You will shower now young man! Who knows what bacteria that skank got onto you!  
**Teshik**: Owwwww!  
**Paige**: Hey! Give me back my slampiece!

-

-FLASH-

5x07 – 5x08:

**Phoebe**: Oh, Gonzo the Chinless Wonder!

-FLASH-

5x10:

**Phoebe**: Oh, Duncan McLeod!

-FLASH-

5x13:

**Piper**: Oh, Ryder!

-FLASH-

5x16 - 6x13:

**Phoebe**: Oh, Chronic the Hedgehog!

-FLASH-

5x21:

**Paige**: Oh, Nate!

-FLASH-

5x21:

**Penny**: Oh, Necromancer!

-FLASH-

6x09 – 6x15:

**Paige**: Oh, Buttfuck!

-FLASH-

6x10:

**Piper**: Oh, Greg the Fireman!

-FLASH-

6x10:

**Chris**: Oh, LesBianca!

-FLASH-

6x11:

**Penny**: Oh, Husband No. 1!

-FLASH-

_Charmed, Season 6, the Directors Cut: Piper enters her bedroom to find Big Gay Chris and Eduardo Verástegui in her bed, basking in the afterglow.  
_  
**Piper**: Chris!  
**Chris**: Yeah. Could you give me five minutes?  
**Piper**: For what?  
**Chris**: To cool off?  
**Eduardo**: Bueños Tardes, Peeperrrr.  
**Piper**: I can't believe it. You're gay?  
**Unknown male hidden under the sheet**: Well duh, Piper. Our marriage last year should've tipped you off.  
**Piper**: Oh God. My son is a gay homosexual.  
**Teshik**: (_in the hallway, walking past the room_) And while we're at it: Don't expect the Psycho sleeping with something wangless, either.  
**Piper**: But Chris! Mommy wants grandchildren at some point!  
**Chris**: Oh, come on. Wyatt conquers the known universe in the future. I'm not going to compete with that just by getting you grandchildren, am I?  
**Piper**: Don't get snippy with me, young man! (_walks up to Chris, grabs him by the ear, drags him off_) We two will get out Daddy's hidden stash of porn and you will watch it until you're hetero again!  
**Chris**: But Moooooooooom!

-FLASH-

7x01 – 7x06:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Nick Lackey!

-FLASH-

7x01 – 7x06:  
**Teshik**: Oh, my _liver_!

-FLASH-

7x08 – 7x13:  
**Paige**: Oh, Bulgin' Brody!

-FLASH-

7x14 – 7x16:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Billy Zane!

-FLASH-

8x01 – 8x06:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Vex Pexter!

-FLASH-

8x07:  
**Bifi**: Oh, Jay Dee!  
_JD applies the Fifties Vulcan Neck Grip to shut her up. Right on, Daddy-O._

-FLASH-

8xwhatever:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Possible Baby Daddy!

-FLASH-

8x16:  
**Phoebe**: Oh, Stoopid Coopid...Fuck off and die.

-FLASH-

_Season 8, Directors Cut: Piper goes into the bathroom and finds Bifi and her sisssster there in her shower. _

**Piper**: _Bifi_! Jesus Motherfucking Christ!  
**Bifi**: No, no, no, I can explain that! I was just…  
**Piper**: Oh, don't _bother_! Just _go_ at it! Every_FUCKING_body is going at it anyways in my private rooms! I don't _care_ anymore! HEY WORLD! HAVE SEX LIKE RABBITS IN MY PERSONAL BELONGINGS! LIKE, _RIGHT NOW_! I DON'T _CARE_! (_storms off_)  
**Mr. Jenkins**: (_from outside_) Be right over!

-FLASH-

_Season 6, Directors Cut, addendum: Eduardo and Demian(Oh, come on. Like you didn't know) are left behind in Pipers bedroom. _

**Demian**: Dammit. Now what?  
**Eduardo**: Qué?  
**Demian**: You have no idea what just went on, right?  
**Eduardo**: Qué?  
**Demian**: Yeah, I figured that. (_pause_) How about another round?  
**Eduardo**: Qué?  
**Demian**: Hmm. I'll take that as a yes. (_glides back under the sheet_)  
**Eduardo**: Qué? (_pause_) AY! _Caràmba_!

-FLASH-

_We return to the living room. Paige and Teshik have fetched themselves chairs from the dining room. Not because they're hesitant to wreck the other sofa as well, far from it. They just want some distance from Piper in case the Retard lets loose another plot bomb. _

**Teshik**: Six Pages. And this is the _abridged_ version. I have to say, even though Bifi has her weak points…  
**Bifi**: Yeah?  
**Teshik**: Many **many** weak points…  
**Bifi**: Yeah?  
**Teshik**: Like the balloon-headed-ness, the mind-bending stupidity, the Mary Sue factor…  
**Bifi**: I think we're getting the point.  
**Teshik**: …at least she isn't remotely as slutty as each one of you.  
**Phoebe**: (_from above_) Hey! I'm not a slut! I'm a free spirit, searching for true love!  
**Teshik**: Yeah, you tell that yourself, hon.  
**Piper**: (_looking up_) Hey, sister! You missed a spot!  
**Phoebe**: Piper? This is a wood ceiling. There are bound to be spots.  
**Piper**: I don't care. Scrub this one until it's gone.  
**Teshik**: (_looks up_) Piper, that's a knothole.  
**Piper**: I said I don't care! I want my perfect normal life with a scrubbed ceiling!  
**Bifi**: People? Could we get back to the topic of our impending doom?  
**Paige**: You **mean **sal**va**tion.  
**Bifi**: Ahem. Ladies and Gentleman, I present you the ultimate solution to our plot problems. (_she pauses for dramatic effect. It doesn't work._) **Time Travel!**

_The P's and Teshik try to suppress their giggles. That doesn't work, either. _

**Bifi**: What?  
**Teshik**: Heh. How about you look at this one for a while, why dontcha? (_presses a button on the remote)_

_(Background Music: Outatime Orchestra – Back to the Future Theme)_

-FLASH-

_2003: Big Überfag Sunglasses Chris orbs into the Manor to save Paige from the Titans. _

-FLASH-

_1975: Grams catapults the Original Peas out of her manor. God love her. _

-FLASH-

_2009: Prue accidentally destroys half of the attic with a flick of her wrist. _

**Prue**: Oops. Sorry.  
**Piper**: No sweat. The maid'll clean it up.  
**Prue**: You have a maid now?  
**Piper**: I sure hope so. Either that, or you've just been drafted.

-FLASH-

_17th century. The Peas are hiding in shrubbery. _

**Piper**: Well, from the looks of it, I'd say the late 1600's somewhere.  
**Phoebe**: Weren't that the times of the worst witch trials?  
**Prue**: _(absently, because checking out Micah's butt)_ Yeah. Peechy.  
**Piper**: Did you even hear what we said?  
**Prue**: Uh huh.  
**Phoebe**: Even the one were we will feed you to the dragons to get home?  
**Prue**: Yeah, grit plen. (_refrains herself from salivating – barely_)  
**Piper**: (_a touch too loud_) Prue, goddammit, would you stop checking out the ass of our possible arch enemy! (_the possible witch hunters heard her and turn towards them_) Oops.

-FLASH-

2026:

**Big Gay Chris**: Hello, Wyatt.

-FLASH-

2005:

**Paige and Piper**: Hello, Junior Dolt.

-FLASH-

_1942: The Dolt's little soldier friends are blown into tiny pieces. _

-FLASH-

_Spring 1998: Kitchen. Grams and Teshik are preparing the Powers-B-Gone potion. _

**Grams**: So technically, this isn't even a time travel. It's a simple flashback, right?  
**Prue**(_pedebitching through the kitchen with Phoebe_): You totally checked out my fiancée!  
**Phoebe**: Did not!  
**Prue**: Did too! Stay away from Roger, _Free_bie! (_they walk out_)  
**Teshik**: Yes. But I realized how little they actually time travelled, so I added flashbacks to the mix.  
**Grams**: I see. So if you know the future, can you tell me if those two will, at some point, get along with each other?  
**Teshik**: Let's just say Phoebe has won the argument with Prue. Permanently.

-FLASH-

_2003a: Alternate Timeline. It's-a-wonderful-life Paige is getting in touch with pregnant Phoebe, post-apocalyptic Piper, and a soon-to-be-dead-Cole. _

-FLASH-

**Teshik**: Now, do we have sufficiently crushed your writer dreams?  
**Bifi**: Well, no. I still have tons of different story ideas. For example, here's this one about an owl and a wolf…(_babbles on_)  
**Piper**: God. Discouraging her could take even longer than the shows original run.  
**Teshik**: Let me take care of that. (_gets up,_ _walks towards Bifi_)  
**Bifi**: …but in the night, the owl transforms into a mermaid, with fish control…or owl control, I don't know yet…

_Teshik stands to Bifi's side. He is smiling.  
_  
**Teshik**: (_whispering in her ear_) Bifi? _Sissss_ter.

_Bifi's mouth stops yapping. Her pupils shrink into needlepins. _

**Bifi**: Oh my GOD! SISSSS! My SISSSTER! I forgot all about her! Oh Shit! (_she runs out of the house, panicked)_  
**Paige**: **Nice**ly don**e.  
Teshik**: And with the additional bonus of getting her a guilt psychosis.  
**Piper**: But won't that bite us in the ass in the next episode? She's getting obsessed with her probably dead sister again.  
**Teshik**: Bah, we have to endure this plot arc eventually, so we might just well get it over with. Plus, I needed a cop-out to end this chapter without killing the retrospective option entirely.  
**Paige**: You're **a** cheap **bas**tard.  
**Teshik**: Aw, Thanks.


	11. 8:9 The Incredible Retard

_By the way, I set up a forum accessible by my user profile where you can drop off any wishes or suggestions. You can also open new topics. We'll see what will work._

_ --- _

**8-9: The Incredible Retard**

_After the teaser, we open up in the attic…no, the kitchen…the dining room ? The hell? They're doing this to fuck with me after I discovered a pattern, I guess. Hrmpf. ANYway. Piper is filling Teshik in on the exposition. _

**Piper**: But you see, this (_shows him an entry in the Book'o'Shadows_) is what a Kryczek Demon is supposed to look like. Not like a Master wannabe.

**Teshik**: Hold on a sec. What does Homeland Security have to do with all this?

**Piper**: They told us to get them the demon. I have no idea what they're gonna do with him.

**Teshik**: These Kryczeks…are they able to squiggle?

**Piper**: Of course. Why?

**Teshik**: What does your government want with a demon who will teleport himself out of any cage known to the non-magical community, anyway?

**Piper**: Hmm. Now that you mention it…it is kinda stupid.

**Teshik**: (_massages his temples_) I know. I really gotta stop this thinking thing before I come here.

**Paige**: (_entering_ _the room, holding a cell phone in her hand_) Dammit. We **real**ly **should** get Bifi a **pa**ger. She's not **ans**wering her **phone**, and we **have** no means to **find** her o**ther**wise.

**Teshik**: And speaking of stopped thought processes…Paige?

**Paige**: Yes?

**Teshik**: Do you remember, in the season pilot, what troubles you were experiencing?

**Paige**: I **was **having those den**tal **pains, be**cause** the new **charge **was con**tact**ing me sub**con**sciously.

**Teshik**: And this new charge was?

**Paige**: The **charge** was Bi**fi**.

**Teshik**: Then, among your powers, you usually can sense any of your charges as long as they're not shielded from you by something, right?

**Paige**: Yes.

**Teshik**: Okay. I'm letting you do the last step yourself.

_Piper and Teshik look expectantly at Paige, who begins to mug while thinking really really hard. The "Jeopardy" Theme Song plays. About a minute passes. _

**Piper**: Well?

**Paige**: What **step**?

_Teshik groans and rams his head onto the dining room table hard and repeatedly. _

**Paige**: Did I **say** something **wrong**?

**Piper**: Just…shut up now, okay sis?

**Paige**: O**kay**.

**Piper**: Please stop hitting the table.

**Teshik**: -_bonk_- -_bonk_- -_bonk_-

**Piper**: You're hurting yourself. That's unnecessary.

_Teshik stops bonking. _

**Piper**: And besides, it's so not normal.

_The bonking returns with doubled frequency. After watching it for a few moments, Piper decides to save her favourite dining room table – er, I mean Teshik, by putting a sofa cushion between cranium and wood before one of it gets a dent. _

**Teshik** (_muffled_) Piper?

**Piper**: Yes?

**Teshik**: You reanize I winn suffocate if I just nie here, night?

**Piper**: Kinda. But I'm hoping your self-preservation instincts will kick in at some point.

**Teshik**: I keep cominn here. Vonuntariny. That shoud tenn you somethinn.

**Piper**: Point taken.

_Leo enters, carrying several pairs of ski and much other baggage around he dug out of the basement. Which all should have been toasted by Zankou's vanquishing explosion at the end of last season. The writers thought I wouldn't notice. The Shitheads thought wrong. _

**Leo**: A little help, please?

**Piper**: In a moment, I'm studying the Book. Could you stop Teshik from suiciding, please?

**Leo**: What?

_He drops his non-toasted baggage, grabs Teshik by the shoulders and holds him upright. He looks a little pale, and his nose is flatter than usual. _

**Teshik**: Dammit. Just when the hallucinations started.

**Leo**: Teshik! Why do you wanna die? You have absolutely no reason to be depressed. There are so many happy things in the world.

**Teshik**: For a starters, people spouting crap like this? Are a major factor for about _any_ depression. Then, your sister-in-law decided to cut her I.Q. in half yet again. She's running out of two-digit numbers at this point. Your dear wife, meanwhile, manages to obsess simultaneously about a demon concerning Homeland Security AND her normal life, which is quite an achievement, and lastly, no one seems remotely worried about the continued absence of Wyatt and tiny Chr…

**Leo and Piper**: They're sleeping.

**Teshik**: Oh Jesus Motherfucking Christ.

**Leo and Piper**: _Sleeping_.

**Teshik**: SLEEPING! I KNOW! GOD!

**Phoebe**: (_entering with a cup of coffee_) Hey guys, what's new?

**Teshik**: Your older sister obsesses and martyrs, your younger sister only has two synapses left, the kids were probably eaten by hobos, the Dolt's a dolt, and I have lost my will to live.

**Phoebe**: So, nothing new really.

**Teshik**: No.

**Phoebe**: Oh, Paige? Henry called for you again last night.

**Paige**: (_perks up_) **Real**ly? (_catches herself_) Uh, I mean, **what** did he **want**?

**Phoebe**: You, apparently.

**Paige**: That's ri**di**culous.

**Piper**: Paige an' Henry, sittin' in a tree…

**Leo, Piper, Phoebe and Teshik**: K-I-S-S-I-N-G…

**Teshik**: First comes love…

**Leo**: Then comes marriage…

**Phoebe**: Then comes Henry with a baby carriage.

**Paige**: You are **sooo** five **years** old at the **mo**ment.

**Piper**: And you girl, are sooo turning red right now.

**Teshik**: Hmm. You smell that? Smells like Foreshadowing.

**Piper**: Yeah, seems so. I wonder which line is meant. Oh well, enough shenanigans. Phoebe, we'll go over to Homeland Security to find out what they didn't tell us.

**Leo**: But Honey! Our Ski Trip?

**Piper**: Will wait. Oh, and so has your lunch date Phoebe, sorry.

**Phoebe**: No sweat. I took a little hiatus anyway.

**Teshik**: You took a "hiatus" from lunch years ago.

**Phoebe**: No, no. I took a hiatus from men. (_exits the front door_)

**Paige**: Oh **god**. Not **a**gain.

**Piper**: You know the drill.

**Leo**: Oh, please no.

**Teshik**: What drill?

**Paige**: _For**tune** wheel_!

_She orbs a fortune wheel into the living room. On the spikes, we see not only the names of all of the Manor Morons(minus Phoebe) and all recurring characters, but also things like "random premonition", "half-assed metaphor", "another Cupid" and "demon sex". _

**Teshik**: What the fuck is this?

**Piper**: Phoebe's lost her stupid faith in love, premonitions, or both for so often lately, we decided to cut down the needed screen time by determining the healing factor earlier. Roll it, sis.

_Paige swings the fortune wheel. After a few seconds of tension, the wheel finally lands on... "Teshik". _

**Teshik**: No fucking way.

**Piper**: Way. And watch your language. You're going to help Phoebe get her faith in love back.

**Teshik**: Noooo?

**Piper**: Yeeees. Remember, I can blow up your uncooperative ass.

**Phoebe**: (_peeking in again through the door_) And by the way, don't try to get my faith in love and premonitions back. It's not gonna work.

**Teshik**: What-fucking-ever, I don't _care_!

**Piper**: I said, watch your language. Wyatt is picking up everything we say lately.

**Teshik**: Piper? Not to intrude into your little shizo world, but your son is either dead from neglect, or conquering South East Asia at this moment. He's not even _HERE_.

**Piper**: Oh, he's here, he's just….sleeping.

**Teshik**: AUAUAAGGGHHHH! Fuck this. I need a time-out from you guys.

_He opens up an interdimensional portal by snapping with his fingers and walks through. _

---

_Magic School, Snidely's old office. Bifi barges in, so not bothering to check if anyone is following her. In there, she finds Teshik sitting in a comfy leather armchair, reading a book. It is labelled "Extremely useful majickal spells for just about anyone, by Voldemort Snidely", subtitled with "Warning: Do NOT let this fall into the hands of demons!"_

**Bifi**: Teshik? What're you doing here?

**Teshik**: _(ignoring Bifi, talking to himself_) Figures, the migraine was just gone. I knew I should've escaped onto _Battlestar Galactica_. The moron quotient is way lower. (_pause_) Well, if you don't count Apollo. (_to Bifi_) Hey. While I totally appreciate you running around aimlessly in a giant demon nest…could you, like, be somewhere else or something? I'm trying to relax.

**Bifi**: What? Here at Magic School? But this place is full of demons!

**Teshik**: Which is exactly why you shouldn't be talking so loud.

**Bifi**: But you're basically a mortal. You're in grave danger here!

**Teshik**: Bifi? I'm the authors personification. Figure it out.

_The Jeopardy theme begins to play again. Bifi stares vacantly into space, and Teshik's not really waiting, since he totally knows the outcome of that one. A minute passes. _

**Bifi**: Figure what out?

**Teshik**: And here she stands, waiting to receive her Darwin Award. (_pause_) I hate my life.

**Chad****Allan**: (_from the door the Retard left open, because, well, Retard. Duh_) Hey. Who are you guys?

_Bifi and Teshik look at each other, deciding a ruse. _

**Teshik**: Um, we're students. Here at Magic School?

**Bifi**: Yeah, we, uh, think we messed up a spell or something.

**Teshik**: Yes, and now we think we have travelled in time, or into a parallel dimension…

**Bifi**: You know how magic is, it's just so easy to screw up…hurk!

_During their babbling, Teshik and Bifi have edged closer to the wall, while Chad slowly advanced on them, his Flaming Ball Of Death hand held ready to fire. He grabs Bifi by her maggoty neck. She answers by flipping him around. Chad recovers and faces her again, ready to torch her, but then Teshik, appearing behind him, rams his elbow in Chad's kidney, adding a kick to his back as he goes down. Bifi secures him with a knife to his throat. _

**Bifi**: And now that we have your attention, I want you to do something. I want you to assssk around for my sissssster. Her name is Bully. Bully Roll.

**Teshik**: Bifi? We've been through this. Your sister is Hexadecimal 57005. D-E-A-D. **Dead**. The demon who took her ate her alive, and if she was anything like you, he probably barfed her up afterwards. She's fossilized Demon Poo.

**Bifi**: She's not! She's been kidnapped and is held hossstage somewhere! Probably for a nefarious Demon-conquering-the-world plot!

**Teshik**: Which is ridiculous and beyond reaching! She's Demon Poo!

**Bifi**: Is not! She's been kidnapped!

**Teshik**: Demon Poo!

**Bifi**: Kidnapped!

**Teshik**: _Demon Poo!_

**Bifi**: _Kidnapped!_

**Teshik**: DEMON POO!

**Bifi**: KIDNAPPED!

**Chad**: Um, people?

**Bifi and Teshik**: Shut up!

**Bifi**: Lissssen, Sssscumbag. The night my sisssster wasss taken, it wassss raining outssssside. Remember that.

**Teshik**: And why should this have any relevance at all?

**Bifi**: Well, duh. It wasss raining. That's an important clue.

**Teshik**: Important for what? Bob the Weatherman was wrong that day? Global Warming hadn't set in fifteen years ago?

**Bifi**: Well…it's important.

**Chad**: No, he's right. It's totally not.

**Bifi**: I told you to shut up. (_She conks him out_). Come on, let's go before his friends get here and follow us home.

**Teshik**: Retard, you just gave that guy your sisters name. If someone would really know about your Demon-Barfed ...

**Bifi**: …_kidnapped_…

**Teshik**: …_Demon-Barfed_ sister, it also means they know your name, and by that, can follow us everywhere, attacking you in the college you never attend, for example. Or in your dorm, at night. Has this thought ever occurred to you?

**Bifi**: No, because demons would never do things like this.

**Teshik**: The sad thing is, you're right. But only because everyone on this fricking show is a fuckin' moron.

---

_Solarium. Bifi and Teshik enter from…well, wherever the fuck they're coming from when someone who can't orb or squiggle exits Magic School. I'm still suspecting Golden Gate Park. Paige is there, fussing with a little baby with gigantic ears. _

**Paige**: **Fi**nally. Just **where **the hell **have **you two **been **all the ti**me**?

**Bifi**: Err…out.

**Teshik**: None of your business.

**Paige**: Don't **get** snippy **with** me. I've **tried** to reach you **both** on your cell **phones**.

**Bifi**: Oh, I forgot to plug it in.

**Teshik**: I always have very shitty reception in the Charmedverse.

_Paige answers this by grabbing the telephone and her cell phone, and typing a series of numbers in each pad. Two cell phones begin to ring, one playing "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch" Theme Song, the other Darth Vader's Imperial March. You decide which is which. _

**Teshik**: Okay, fine, I couldn't bear any of your moronosities any longer. Happy now?

**Bifi**: As for me, I so do not need you as a babysitter.

**Paige**: Bifi, part of our **deal** of us **train**ing you was you being a**vail**able when we **need** you!

**Bifi**: I don't care! You can't treat me like I'm twelve anymore! YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL MOM!

_All three stop short. Paige and Teshik stare at Bifi, who seems surprised herself. _

**Paige**: What the **fuck** was **that**?

**Bifi**: Errm. Sorry. I don't know what came over me. I just had the amazing urge to scream at you, even though it was inappropriate considering the situation. Like I'm an actress, trying desperately to prove I can do drama, but failing miserably by totally overacting. (_pause_) Can we change topic now?

**Teshik**: Please do.

**Bifi**: Well then…(_spots the baby_)…hey there, little Chris.

**Teshik**: No, dimwit, that's not him. Chris looks either like an adorable little worm, or like he was exclusively fed with whale blubber – it depends on the amount of chloroform Piper's stuffing him with.

**Bifi**: Ah. So who is this little guy then?

**Paige**: This is Ra**mone**. Henry dropped him **off **with me while he **sear**ches for his **dad**. The mom's in **pri**son.

**Teshik**: And why in hell did he have to leave him here? I mean, he barely knows you

**Bifi**: Maybe because he likes her.

**Teshik**: Maybe because he's a total prick and no-one at his workplace wants to do him even a small favour. (_Goes over to the crib, his face visibly softens_) Hey there, little guy. Whatcha doin'?

**Paige**: Wait, you **know **how to **han**dle kids?

**Teshik**: A) I have a godchild, and B) Who do you think changed Chris diapers in the last three months? (_picks up the kid_) Are ya hungry, lil' fella? I think you are.

**Bifi**: Wow, Teshik, I have never seen you smile like this. (_pause_) Not when you aren't going to hit me, at least.

**Teshik**: Pets and Small Children are my soft spots. Sue me.

**Paige**: So you **cared **about him **and **Wyatt the **whole **time **a**lone?

**Teshik**: The sad part is, even _you_ don't assume Piper or Leo have done anything at all for their children. No, not alone. Victor helped, and sometimes I conjured some relatives of yours to assist me.

**Paige**: What relatives?

**Teshik**: If you'll see Grams again next time, you gals are so in for a major bitchout. Just sayin'. Now, we're feeding Dumbo Junior now, and you're gonna help me. Follow me.

_Teshik, holding Ramone, leads the group towards the kitchen, as HulkChad suddenly squiggles in at the kitchen entrance. _

**HulkChad**: Remember me?

**Paige**: You know this thing?

**Bifi**: Run!

_HulkChad fires a series of Flaming Balls Of Death at the fleeing group, nearly missing them a few times. _

**Teshik**: PaigePaigePaige_Paige_PAIGE! Do something!

**Paige**: _Teshik_!

_Teshik, in mid-run, dissolves into a cloud of orbs. In the same moment, HulkChad reaches Bifi and claws at her neck. She goes down, dazed. _

**Paige**: Hey, **Bud**dy! **O**ver here!

_The creature looks up from his current victim. _

**Paige**: _Chair_!

_A dining room chair orbs against the head of the thing. It merely raises an amused eyebrow, advancing on Paige._

**Paige**: Uh…o**kay**. _Dining Room Table_!

_The dining room table dissolves and reappears over HulkChads head. It smashes. This time, the giant's frowning, but he continues to walk towards her. _

**Paige**: **Dam**mit. Erm…_Sword In The Stone_!

_The giant rock with the sword in it orbs down from the attic, over the monsters head. It dissolves into pebbles. HulkChad is dazed, but still not down. _

**Paige**: Shit. **Pi**per's going to be **pissed** about her **stone**. Uhhhh…._Cable Car_!

**HulkChad**: (_looks up_) Nah. No way you can fit a cable car under this low cei…

**Cable Car No. 57**: (_rushing in from the left_) DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING!

_The San Francisco icon, taken at full speed from the Columbus Avenue, rams first into HulkChad and then into the wall of the dining room, exiting the house and ruining the garden in the process. Paige and Bifi, who has regained consciousness (who wouldn't at this point?) stare out of the large and more or less rectangular hole. _

**Bifi**: Hm. Talk about overkill.

**Paige**: I was **run**ning out of **op**tions.

**Bifi**: Uh huh. I can see that.

_They hear a crash and then, screaming chicken. Both duck a little. _

**Bifi**: How are you going to explain it to Mrs Jenkins that her chicken stable's gone?

**Paige**: E**xact**ly the way I ex**plained** it **last** time. I _don't._

**Bifi**: Ooh, ouch!

_The two grimace as they hear a man, briefly, scream. _

**Bifi**: Wasn't that one of your neighbours?

**Paige**: Yeah. But **that's** the one whose **dog** is trained to **shit** onto our **front** porch. No **great** loss.

**Bifi**: Hey, look! It's hitting the street!

_We hear something metallic hitting the asphalt._

**Paige**: Yeah, and ap**pa**rently the **grip **man managed to **get **his car into the cable **line** again. Thank **good**ness.

**Bifi**: And that even though he has a chicken stable, a squished demon, and three hedgerows obscuring his windshield. Impressive.

**Paige**: Yeah. Remind me to write a letter of recommendation to the Muni office.

**Bifi**: Okay.

_Paige's cell phone rings. Her ringtone, by the way, is Harry Belafonte's "Shake, shake senora". _

**Paige**: I **didn**'t **do** it!

**Teshik**: Didn't do what?

_The screen splits in half for the phone conversation. Both are in close-up, so we can't see where Teshik and Ramone are. _

**Paige**: Ne**ver**mind. You two all**right**?

**Teshik**: Yeah. Kinda. The Retard's still alive?

**Paige**: Yes, **on**ly a **scratch**.

**Teshik**: Dammit.

**Paige**: Where **are** you right **now**?

**Teshik**: Errrm…lemme guess: When you orbed us out, you didn't have time to think of a precise location, and thought of "some safe place" instead. Didn't you?

**Paige**: How **do** you **know** that?

_We cut to a total of Teshik's location. He is standing in the middle of a large room with locked file cabinets at the walls and shelves with probably very highly priced items on them. To the left, we see the inside of a vault door. Ramone is trying to get hold of a shiny gold bullion in his view. _

**Teshik**: Oh, just a hunch. Listen, if you could orb us out of the First National Bank now before we're running low on oxygen? That would be just peachy. Because I really _really_ don't want to explain to the police how I got in here.

**Paige**: Oh. **O**kay.

_After a few minutes, Paige has managed to find the correct bank vault and orbed back into the Manor with them. _

**Teshik**: That's better. (_notices the huge scratches on the dining room floor_) Holy crap. What did you do in here? Piper's going to…(_he turns around, his look wanders up to the huge cable-car-shaped hole_) Woah. Wow! What did I miss HERE?

**Paige**: Umm…I **kinda** had to re**di**rect the **Po**well-Ma**son** line.

**Teshik**: I see.

**Paige**: But it's all **right**, the **dri**ver managed to get **hold** of the Califor**nia** line down **there**.

**Teshik**: Uh huh.

**Paige**: I **bet **the **tour**ists won't even **no**tice the alter**nate** route.

**Teshik**: I think they'll notice. (_looks outside_) Are those the remains of Mrs Jenkins chicken stable?

**Paige**: Yes.

**Teshik**: What're you going to tell her this time?

**Paige**: Same **as **last time.

**Teshik**: So, nothing.

**Paige**: Yep.

**Teshik**: Does she know yet?

**Paige**: I can **de**finitely **con**firm that.

**Teshik**: How she took it?

**Paige**: Bifi's ap**plying** CPR as we **speak**.

**Teshik**: Aha. Piper's going to blow a major gasket, you know that?

**Paige**: Yeah. I al**ready** tried to get rid of it all by re**citing** the Object of Ob**jection** spell. Didn't **work**.

**Teshik**: Well, you gotta admit, objectionable objects probably don't get much bigger than this.

_We hear the slamming of the front door. _

**Piper**: That was completely useless. Agent Idiot didn't tell us anything.

**Phoebe**: _I_ think _we_ should go to him again later and this time, _we_ should use a little more vio…oh…holy shit, what happened here?

**Teshik**: (_edging away from Paige, who tries – and fails – to hide behind an upturned potted plant_) Don't look at me. It's her fault. Also, you can't blow me up, I'm holding a baby. (_shields himself with Ramone_)

**Piper**: Do I even want to know what happened here?

**Paige**: I can **ex**plain **that**!

**Piper**: Fine. Try me.

**Paige**: Uh…**first**, there was **Hen**ry, and the mo**ther**'s in prison, **you** see, and I **could**n't reach Bi**fi** or **Tes**hik anywhere, **and**, and, then the **de**mon turned up, and I **orbed**, and Bifi **got** hurt, and Ex**cali**bur didn't work, and**and**and Teshik was **locked** in the **vault**, and I got des**per**ate, and I couldn't **find** the Grand **Che**rokee anywhere on **this** short **no**tice, so it had to **be** the cable car.

**Piper**: Now I'm certain. I didn't wanna know.

**Phoebe**: _(looking out of the cable car hole_) Uhh, Piper? You should see this!

**Piper**: Not now sis. I'm trying to remember all the bones in the human body before I can break them. One by one.

**Teshik**: _(also looks out of the opening_) No, Piper, she's right! Look at the…Duck!

**Piper**: Duck?

**Phoebe**: Get down!

_The reason they need to duck? Is a very agitated Mrs Jenkins. But not because of the whole chicken stable incident. Right now, it's because she's in the air, head down, accelerating quite fast towards the Manor Morons. _

**Mrs.****Jenkins**: ….aaaaaAAAAAAAAA**AAAAAHHHHH**HHHHH!

**Paige**: Mat**tress**!

_A mattress orbs at the nearest wall just before the poor neighbour impacts on it._

**Mrs. Jenkins**: My hi-hi-hiiip! (_She collapses_)

**Paige**: The **fuck**?

**Piper**: Language!

_The hulked out form of Bifi approaches the public transit exit. She doesn't look very friendly. Piper holds her hands to the ready. _

**Phoebe**: No, no, no, Piper, no hands! It's Bifi!

**Teshik**: Yes, yes, yes, Piper, deploy hands! It's Bifi!

**Piper**: Oh no! I can't freeze her!

**HulkBifi**: BIFI SMASH!

_The group backs away defensively, but is going to hit a wall soon. _

**Paige**: Then **blow** her **up**!

_Piper tries to blow Bifi up. But all she manages to do is throwing Bifi back a few inches. _

**Phoebe**: Okay, what now? We're at the back of the wall!

**Teshik**: I'm trying something. Hold on.

_He closes his eyes and concentrates. _

_Unbeknownst to our characters, the cable car incident had quite seriously compromised the safety of this part of the ceiling. Just before the incredible Retard can reach them, the ceiling gives in, and Pre-Dan's piano that Grams kept in her sewing Room crashes directly onto her. The group exhales audibly. _

**Piper**: You know, thanks and all, but…a piano? That's so cartoony.

**Teshik**: It was a reader's request. You don't want to diminish my readers, do you?

**Piper**: Actually…

_But before the Shrew can insult any of you, HulkBifi captures their attention by morphing back into RegularTard form. _

**Leo**: (_from the front door_) Hey Honey! I'm back! And I got everything we need for our ski trip! I …

_He takes in the scene, particularly the baby, the ruined hardwood floor, Bifi in Piano clothing, the comatose Mrs Jenkins, and the giant hole in the back. Mostly the giant hole. _

**Leo**: Buuuuuut I'm quite sure I forgot something and I'm sure I will think of it on my way back to the store. (_Turns around and exits_)

**Teshik**: You know Piper, sometimes your husband is way smarter than he looks. (pause) Okay, people? We so have to finish the second act. Phoebe, stay with Bifi. Paige, you'll orb Piper over to Homeland security, we need answers, and she needs to blow off steam. After that, you go scry for Ramones dad, while I feed and diaper him. (_eyerolls_) and Chris.

---

_Kitchen, about an hour later. Teshik is busy entertaining Ramone and little Chris. Wyatt is playing on the kitchen floor. Leo enters through the back door. _

**Teshik**: Hey.

**Leo**: Hey. Errm…have things normalized and calmed down? And, more importantly, how dangerous is my wife at this moment?

**Teshik**: Well…

_-Mini-Flashbacks-_

_-Teshik and Phoebe, who each grab a leg of the unconscious Mrs Jenkins and drag her outside to her own backyard. After a few moments, they return whistling. _

_-In the next shot they are draping a huge curtain over the giant hole and rolling out a big carpet over the huge scratches…and the still lying debris._

_-Phoebe fetches chalk and draws a crude sketch of a window onto the curtain. Also, an end table with a flowerpot on it._

_-Then, Phoebe tries to pull Bifi out of the piano by her shoulders. _

_-Phoebe is still pulling. Now Teshik is pulling too, by grabbing Bifis' non-existent neck and squeezing it real tight. _

_-Teshik approaching the piano wearing an icehockey mask and a chainsaw. Phoebe disapproves, waving with her hands to denote the chainsaw is not a valid option. Teshik mopes. _

_-Phoebe smearing Bifi with butter to make her flip out of the instrument. _

_-Phoebe and Teshik, pulling again. They lose grip because of the butter and end up in opposite parts of the room. _

_-Teshik and Phoebe, both throwing up their hands in frustration and walking away._

_-Phoebe, taking a blanket and throwing it over the piano to comfort the encased Bifi. Or at least, the hurt piano. _

_-end flashbacks-_

**Teshik**: …about as normalized this house gets under usual circumstances. As for your wife, she's busy destroying public property, namely the local bureau of Homeland Security. That should cool her off.

**Leo**: Oh that's good. Bad for the tax payers, but good for us. _(looks at the babies_) Oh. Wyatt and…uch…Chris.

**Teshik**: Yes.

**Leo**: How did they escape the ca…er, I mean, the playpen?

_Teshik wordlessly holds up a keychain with picklocks. _

**Leo**: Ah. I hope you noticed the…

_Teshik holds up his other hand, which holds a baseball bat…in a bear trap._

**Leo**: Oh. Good. Didya avoid the…

_Teshik holds up his leg. A snake is biting into it. _

**Snake**_: Hissss!_

**Leo**: So, no to that one.

**Teshik**: You are so gaining points to that "Worst Parent Ever" award right now.

**Leo**: (_perks up_) There is an award?

_Teshik narrows his eyes. _

**Leo**: Sorry. It's just…we're scared shitless of Wyatt, and we have not yet named issues with…the other one.

**Teshik**: Uh huh. How about you make up for it by spending just a little time with your sons now. But be careful, don't knock Wyatt's crystals out of formation.

**Leo**: You trapped him in a crystal cage?

**Teshik**: I said I'm kind to children. But I'm not criminally stupid. If I'm going to turn my back on him, I make sure I don't end up with a knife in each kidney.

**Leo**: What is he thinking about that?

**Teshik**: He STARED that I'm an interesting specimen, and that he would keep me alive and imprisoned in a bird cage in his new world order just for shits and giggles.

**Leo**: How nice of him.

_Phoebe enters the kitchen and goes over to the fridge. She asks the fridge for ice. The fridge is not in the mood. Phoebe replies she'll either get ice, or else. The fridge answers, No way, bitch. Phoebe conveys that Now. It's. ON. The fridge and the Ho wrestle for a bit. The fridge wins. _

**Phoebe**: Oh, Woe is _me_!

_No one pays her any attention. Not even the fridge._

**Phoebe**: I said, WOE IS _MEEEE_!

**Teshik**: (_not looking away from little Chris_) I'm not getting into a me-related issue-laden discussion with you.

**Phoebe**: But you're supposed to!

**Teshik**: I'm also supposed to learn Cryptology instead of writing this. And your issues probably revolve around desk sex and your stoopid child. So beat it.

**Phoebe**: But you won the lottery! You have to help _me_ getting my faith in love and premonitions back!

**Teshik**: "Won" is kinda the wrong expression, and, unlike your sisters, I'm not falling for that childish cry for attention. I could've whipped up a montage of you losing faith, but that would require _days_ of my live I'd never get back.

**Phoebe**: But…but how am _I_ going to get much needed screentime when you're ignoring _me_?

**Teshik**: Well…you could act reasonable and likable for the remainder of the episode. If I see you're not thinking with your vagina anymore, you'll get your screentime.

_Both stare at each other for a second. _

**Phoebe and Teshik**: BWA-HA-HA-HA!

**Phoebe**: _Me_ not thinking with _my_ vagina! Hee! Good one!

**Teshik**: Hehe. I know, I know. But "reasonable" is even better. Hee!

**Phoebe**: Heh. Okay. Let _me _see if _I_ find something that really pisses you off so you'll write about it.

**Teshik**: Sure, hon. Heh.

_Phoebe exits, Piper enters by the backdoor._

**Piper**: Was there a pack of hyenas here two seconds ago?

**Teshik**: I hate you too, thank you very much.

**Piper**: (_spots the children_) Holy Shit! The little bastards escaped again!

**Leo**: Language.

**Piper**: Yeah, whatever.

**Teshik**: Piper? Didn't you ever get the feeling that if you don't imprison them in a dark hole in the basement, they wouldn't become sociopaths society fears?

**Piper**: Yes, but I got over it.

**Teshik**: You know what? Imprisoning your children in the basement? (_pauses for maximum impact_) …Is not _normal_.

_Piper swerves back as if hit by a large blunt object. She has to get a grip on the centre island to regain her balance. _

**Piper**: Not…normal…

**Teshik**: Yes, Piper. You're. Not. Normal.

_The scene cuts to an overhead shot, centering on Piper. She raises her hands in anguish, and then collapses on the floor._

**Piper**: NOOOOOOOOOO!

**Teshik**: Are you done?

**Piper**: I've failed. I'm not normal…

**Teshik**: I guess that means no.

_Suddenly, Ramone dissolves into orbs. _

**Teshik**: The fuck? (_turns_ _towards Wyatt, points his index finger to him_) Wyatt? Orb the innocent mortal out of the meat processing plant, **right now**, or no dinner.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: Oh. Sorry, force of habit.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: Thanks. I think. Well, who took him then?

_The answer to that one appears on cue in a mugging orb cloud. _

**Paige**: Guess **who's** just been reu**ni**ted with his **fa**ther.

**Teshik**: Finally, one gone. I'm taking care of enough babies already. And I ain't talkin' about Chris'n Wyatt.

**Piper**: I jus' want my normal life, my normal life! Waaaaah!

_She curls into a fetal position and begins to suck her thumb._

**Teshik**: See what I mean?

**Paige**: Shouldn't **we**, like, do some**thing**?

**Teshik**: Well, Leo's her husband. His turf.

**Leo**: But I'm already bonding with my kids right now!

**Teshik**: You're crouched into a corner, facing the wall.

**Leo**: I _am_ in the same room with them. That's enough bonding for me.

**Teshik**: Go over to your beloved wife and get her out of the catatonic state now. And hurry up, I'm on page eleven already again.

_Leo obeys and walks over to his wife._

**Leo**: You know, honey? It's not bad to be not normal. Remember that one not-normal thing we do when we're in bed and…(_whispers_)

_We don't get what exactly they are doing there, but Paige and Teshik seem to hear just enough information to be properly disgusted. _

**Teshik**: Ugh. I'll add that one to the list of my nightmares.

**Paige**: Me **too**.

_It is enough, however, to get Piper back into working condition. She stands up and straightens her shiny shiny hair. _

**Piper**: Ahem. Okay. I feel better now. I'm ready for the next crisis.

**Phoebe**: (_rushing in_) People, come quick! Bifi's dying!

**Teshik**: Hooray!

**Piper**: Me and my big fat mouth.

---

_The group has gathered around Bifi (and the piano) in the living room. Bifi is visibly in pain and is sweating. _

**Paige**: Look at her. She's practically burning up!

**Piper**: Well, the other magical creatures with the disease exploded in the end.

**Teshik**: Oh no! What about the poor piano if the Retard blows up?

_Piper glares at him. _

**Teshik**: What? You know my feelings. And besides, think of all the good times we had with the piano!

-FLASH-

_Somewhen in the 1920: Pre-Prue and Teshik (in a time-appropiate suit) watch Pre-Greasy Dan play the piano. Badly. Pre-Prue blows some ice mojo onto the lid, which crashes onto Pre-Dan's hands. Both laugh merrily while the poor man clutches his broken fingers._

-FLASH-

_Last year: Phoebe, Leo and Teshik stand around the piano, Piper plays. They sing Christmas Songs, loud and obnoxious, while lil' Orphan Paige sits forgotten in a corner and holds her dreidel. _

-FLASH-

_This afternoon: Piano saves the day by jumping onto the Hulked Bifi. Piano and Teshik hug._

-FLASH-

**Piper**: Oh come on, this is ridiculous.

**Teshik**: No, it isn't. You know what's ridiculous? Writing a story where the new character gets magically transformed, becomes stronger and dangerous, but the transformation draws power from the character up to the point where she might actually die, and then repeat the same exact damn story, AFTER A FUCKING WEEK. I mean, Christ. No viewer is _that_ senile.

**Piper**: Point taken. However, we need to fix this mess. Leo, go upstairs and get our scrying maps. Who knows where that Patient X might be right now. (_Leo leaves_) Now, Bifi? Stop dying. (_She flings out her hands and freezes the shuddering Retard_).

**Teshik**: That's a very nice use of your power Piper. Except for the minor fact that good witches? Don't freeze.

_He flings out his hands in mimic to Piper. Time resumes for the Retard._

**Piper**: But this is an emergency! (_She freezes Bifi again_)

**Teshik**: I don't care. Give me a rational explanation _(He unfreezes Bifi_)

**Piper**: Errr... I am able to freeze her because of the virus. (_Freeze_)

**Teshik**: Which makes no sense, given that Bifi has been conscious before. She's not evil or possessed, she's just sick. (_Unfreeze_)

**Piper**: You know what I'm definitely able to freeze? (_Freeze_)

**Teshik**: No idea, what? (_Unfreeze_)

**Piper**: Snippy mortals.

_This time, she freezes both Teshik and Bifi. _

**Phoebe**: How long do you think this will last?

**Piper**: Maybe 30 minutes for the Retard, two minutes before Teshik shakes himself out of it.

**Paige**: So, what're we going to do now?

**Piper**: We don't exactly have the time to scry for Patient X, that could take hours. We're not strong enough.

**Phoebe**: Then let's get stronger.

_All three look at the Bifi statue. _

**Paige**: Erm, dis**gus**ting?

**Piper**: Yeah, we know about your …_unique_…perspective when it comes to diseases, especially sexually transmittable ones, but this is a little drastic. Plus, who knows if we are even able to control ourselves?

**Paige**: Yeah, and **when** the virus hits **stage** two, we're more **or** less help**less**.

**Phoebe**: Hello? People? _We're_ the fuckin' Charmed Ones. _We're_ the stars of this show. So what can possibly happen to _us_?

**Piper**: Well…

**Phoebe**: (_narrows eyes_) Mention the Late Lamented and die.

**Piper**: Eep! Err, let's get started, I meant.

_They cut their palms with an athame and begin infecting themselves with the Magical Plague. Just as they're done, Teshik shakes himself from the freeze._

**Teshik**: You wouldn't dare! (_blinks_) Oh. You totally would. What'd I miss?

**Piper**: Not much. Come on upstairs, we gotta scry.

---

_They arrive in the attic. _

**Leo**: And? Any ideas how we find him fast enough?

**Piper**: Yeah, we might have something up our sleeves.

**Teshik**: Well, then, spill it.

_On cue, Piper cracks her neck and then, all girls transform, bringing us the night of the living WWF rejects. Err, I mean, they hulk out. _

**Leo**: What the fuck?

**HulkPiper**: LANGUAGE!

_Hulk Piper decides the best way to punish her foul-mouthed husband is to lift and throw the nearest object in range at him. Unfortunately, "nearest object in range" turns out to be identical with "Teshik". _

**Teshik**: Huh? AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

_Leo and Teshik impact in a Wall Of Shoe Boxes Of Grave Bodily Injury That Just Happens To Be There This Episode, and get half-buried by it. _

**Leo**: Ow.

**Teshik**(_muffled_): Dolt?

**Leo**: Yes?

**Teshik**: You have five seconds to get your _gonads_ out of my _face_, or I will resort to drastic measures. Three…Two…_One_…

_The two disentangle themselves. Meanwhile, the Glamorous WWF Ladies decide the most important issue right now is to let off rampant testosterone. _

**HulkPaige**: NOT **NICE**! NO SMASH TE**SHIK**!

**HulkPiper**: NOT SMASH TESHIK! SMASH HUSBAND FOR INSOLENCE!

**HulkPhoebe**: NO TALK ABOUT SMASH! TALK ABOUT _ME_! OR ELSE MR WALL!

**Teshik**: (_to Leo_) You know, I am taking a wild guess here and say that they infected themselves with the Plague while I was frozen. It's just a guess, though.

**Leo**: (_to Teshik_) Either that, or they're simultaneously menstruating again.

**Teshik**: Oh Lord, I hope not.

**Leo**: Um, girls? Could you grab the scrying crystals and search for the first infected patient before the virus begins to consume you?

_The girls stare at him like four-year-olds, trying to figure out Quantum Mechanics. Or vacant_ _like Kaley Cuoco's interpretation of "conflicted 'n shit". You decide. _

**Teshik**: Let us rephrase that. Youuuuuu! _(points towards the scrying table_) Theeeeeere! Scryyyyyyyyyy!

_The girls begin scrying. The crystal moves in on the target quite fast. _

**Teshik**: Good. Now quick, we have to latch onto Paige before those Neanderthals…

_HulkPaige grabs her sisters by the shoulders, they orb out. _

**Leo**: Oh crap. This isn't good.

**Teshik**: No shit Sherlock.

**Leo**: And what are we going to do now?

**Teshik**: Wait. And hope this Patient X has a very good life insurance.

---

_The next morning. Teshik and Leo are busy measuring the holes in the dining and living room for replacement material. Phoebe, alive, well and unhulked, enters. _

**Phoebe**: Good morning you two.

**Leo**: Morning. Did you return Patient X to his home and thank him properly?

**Phoebe**: Yes, and no. _We_ had to memory dust the guy. He threatened to sue _us_.

**Teshik**: Well, you _did_ rip his arms off his shoulder sockets and drank his blood to get the cure.

**Phoebe**: Yeah, but _we_ did take him to Wyatt to heal him afterwards.

**Teshik**: After you sprinkled Bifi with yet another litre of his blood. And Wyatt glued his arms back on the wrong sides.

**Phoebe**: Meh. Details, Shmetails.

**Teshik**: At least this episode is finally over.

**Phoebe**: Ahem. Not quite.

**Teshik**: What do you mean?

**Phoebe**: You still have to solve _my_ issues.

**Teshik**: Oh please. I said, I don't _care_.

**Phoebe**: And _I_ don't care that you don't care.

**Teshik**: Then that's settled. If you'll excuse me, I have to ignore you now.

**Phoebe**: But…issues! _I_ have, like, issues, _this_ big!

_No reply. _

**Phoebe**: Have _I_ ever told you what beautiful blue eyes you have?

_Teshik looks up for a second, focuses his clearly green eyes upon her, raises a brow, and continues working._

**Phoebe**: Hello! I need attention! Any attention!

_No reaction._

**Phoebe**: This calls for extreme action. (_turns towards Leo_) You know what, Leo? Let's talk about Bifi.

_Teshik looks at her, but quickly turns away again. _

**Phoebe**: _I_ really think she did a good job today.

_Teshik opens his mouth to reply, but bites on his lip instead. _

**Phoebe**: She acted intelligent, responsible and nice this week

_Teshik looks like he's about to explode, but barely – barely - restrains himself. _

**Phoebe**: In fact, _I_ think _we_ can say she's practically **family** now.

_Teshik detonates. _

**Teshik**: AAAUAUAUAAAAAGGGHHH! You goddamn awful goddamn HAG! Calling this lispy maggot-necked fucking PIECE OF SHIT part of your family is the absolute limit of INSULTS! No one in the HISTORY OF FOREVER has…

_He stops as he sees Phoebe's face. She's practically basking in the attention given to her. _

**Teshik**: (_calms down a little_) You…you set me up.

**Phoebe**: Yup.

**Teshik**: …Well played. I gotta admit that.

**Phoebe**: Thanks. Now, will you pep-talk _me_ or whatever? Swearing off men for so long is wearing _me_ out already.

**Teshik**: (_grins_) You know, I have something even better than a pep-talk. Be right back.

He leaves and returns a few moments later, holding something behind his back.

**Phoebe**: Ooh! A present? For _me_? Cool! Let _me_ see, let _me_ see!

_Teshik reveals he holds a baseball bat. He swings and hits Phoebe right in the face. She goes down onto her knees, dazed. If you squint, you can even see the cartoon stars orbiting her. _

**Phoebe**: A premonitorion! _I _am having a premonotition!

**Teshik**: Sure you do hon.

**Phoebe**: _I_ am seeing _myself _in six years! Wow, _I_ am totally beautiful!

**Teshik**: Uh huh.

**Phoebe**: She's telling _me _to not give up on love! And premuni…premee…future-looking!

**Teshik**: Yeah, whatever.

**Phoebe**: _I_ am cured! Cured!

_Phoebe falls flat on her face, unconscious._

**Teshik**: At times like these, I really love my job.

_And then, Leo and Teshik left Phoebe alone to get themselves some breakfast. The end. _


	12. 8:10 Auf Wiedersehen, Mr Dämlack

**8-10: Auf Wiedersehen, Mr. Dämlack**

_We open up in a lot with cars standing around. I'd say we're at a used car sale, but since there's no giant sign with black letters like MAUSOLEUM, SOCIAL SERVICES or BANK to be seen, I'm at a total loss here. Piper, Leo and Teshik are standing beside a car that probably has seen the better part of the fifties. The eighteen-fifties, from the looks of disdain Piper and Teshik are radiating. From the look Leo's sporting however, we can tell he wants to marry all over again. But I'm not sure if he wants to marry Piper -in- the car, or marry -just- the car. _

**Piper**: Leo? Rule of used car sales, Number one: Do not show the greasy salesman that you're willing to pay a ridiculously high price for one of his cars.

**Teshik**: This rule also applies to big hunks of garbage like this, Dolt.

**Leo**: But can't you see? This car is a gem! A beauty!

**Piper**: This "beauty" is way older than Teshik and me put together.

**Teshik**: Hell, this "gem" is older than the _country_ I'm from. What do you want to do with it? Watch it gently rusting in the breeze?

**Leo**: No! Don't you see? Cleaning off the rust, replace a few parts, and this will be the perfect family car!

**Piper**: With all the numerous safety features the nineteen-twenties had. Like…none.

**Leo**: But Piper! It won't be the same feeling if I install safety-belts and all that nick-nacks.

**Piper**: I don't care. My money, my decision.

**Leo**: Piper, this is the same car my grandfather gave me sixty years ago. I never had the chance to enjoy that car, but this I might…

**Teshik**: Careful, people. Mortal alert.

_The marrieds stop their bickering as a middle aged man approaches._

**Greasy Car Salesman**: Why, howdy there, fellows! My name is Ira Mason Honest, but all my friends just call me "Honest Bill". I see you have interest in one of the finest cars in my collection!

**Teshik**: _(to Piper_) I have this urge now to ask him how the worst car of his "collection" might look like.

**Piper**: _(to Teshik_) Tempting. Very tempting.

**Leo**: Hello, honest Bill! Yes, we totally want to buy your fine car, and are willing to pay ridiculous amounts of money for it!

**Teshik**: _(to Piper_) You know, I'm beginning to see why you only let him out to get the groceries and pick up the kids.

**Honest Bill**: Well then, my young man, let's get the paperwork done!

_He walks off with the giddy Dolt, plotting the doom of Piper's hard earned savings. Piper and Teshik simultaneously roll their eyes and make Marge Simpson noises. As they catch themselves imitating, they both raise one eyebrow, mirroring each other. _

**Teshik**: We so spend way too much time together, you know?

**Piper**: Yep.

**Teshik**: Okay, riddle me this: Two weeks ago, you practically had to take Leo and shove him directly into the fat ass of a greasy no-name manager, counter-clock-wise, _in his entirety_, just so you'd get one lousy gig and you'd not starve to death. Now, you're such a financial genius that you're able to gift your husband with a car that isn't only old and ugly, but costs so much money I could live off it and pay my University fees for about half a year.

**Piper**: Well...

_At this point, here's some good and some bad news for Piper. The good news is, she won't have to explain her bizarre financials, because she just both spotted an old acquaintance on the street. The bad news is, she won't particularly like this meeting, since the person in question is the famous Original Angel Of Death. He's crossing the street (walking through a passing car in the process) to meet them. _

**Piper**: Oh shit. Here goes my perfect normal day. Teshik, this may look odd now, because you'll see me talking with thin air, but you see, there's …

_Teshik basically ignores her, walks up to the Angel of Death and greets him._

**Teshik**: Yo, Death. What up?

**Angel** **of Death**: Hey Teshik. Oh, y'know, the usual, the work load is practically killing me.

**Teshik**: You're getting better at this joke thing. This time, I almost cracked a smile.

**Piper**: Woah, wait. You're a mortal, Teshik. So how come you can see the Angel Of Death?

**Teshik**: He took 13 members of my family with him, over the course of three years. If you're not getting sensible to him lurking nearby after the forth or fifth death in a row, you're probably blind and deaf. (_to Death_) Soo…not that I particularly like to hear the answer, but… which family has to get out the black clothes? Piper's, or mine?

**Piper**: What? No way ! No one of us dies! I don't want to DIE YET!

_A couple who just passed Piper, Teshik, and the invisible Angel of Death, stops and stares at the visible two, probably ready to call the police._

**Teshik** (_laughs nervously_): Heh. Err…You know, she's just…really afraid of… Global Warming, and… we just saw "Day after Tomorrow"?

**Piper** (_blushing and bumbling_): Err, yes. I mean. Polar Ice Caps. And…stuff? (_smiles apologetically)_

**Girl with speaking part** (_to her boyfriend_): I TOLD you we shouldn't have moved here. This whole fuckin' city is full of _freaks_!

_The couple walks away, arguing about if the raise and the promotion really was worth it to move to San Fran._

**Teshik**: Great. We're now The Freaks The Midwest Fears. Thaaaaanks, Piper.

**Piper**: Sorry.

**Teshik**: I swear, if I'm gonna be the one who dies now, my spectral presence is sooo going to haunt your sorry ass.

**Angel of Death**: Actually, none of you two is going to be taken yet. I have come to give Piper the chance to say goodbye.

**Piper**: To whom?

_The Angel of Death says nothing._

**Teshik**: Well, who is it then? Paige? Phoebe? (_pause_) Ooh, ooh! Bifi! Let it be Bifi! Is Bifi gonna die?

**Piper**: No. Death won't take anyone from us. I'll take care of that.

**Angel of Death**: You know death doesn't work the way you want it, Piper. I am already stretching the rules by telling you to prepare.

**Piper**: I won't have to prepare, because I'll vanquish your sorry ass if you try to take my loved ones. Or Bifi.

**Angel of Death**: You can't threaten me. And you cannot prevent Death in itself. (_he pauses_) Oh, sorry, but I have to go. There's a sixteen year old Palestinian boy who will blow himself up in a crowded Israeli café in forty seconds. Be seeing you!

_He vanishes. _

**Teshik**: Piper? Relax.

**Piper**: Relax? Mister Death wants to kill someone dear to me!

**Teshik**: The Angel of Death doesn't kill anyone, you know that. And besides: I can name at least _four_ instances of you alone dying _without_ looking anything up, your sisters and Leo aren't any different. You're still here, aren't you?

**Piper**: Fine. But the A-Plot is now officially "Piper And Teshik Prevent Death from Happening."

**Teshik**: Yeah, whatever.

**Piper**: Oh, and we won't tell Leo.

**Teshik**: Because Withholding Vital Information From Each Other Has Worked So Well For Us In The Past?

**Piper**: Exactly.

**Teshik**: I hate you.

---

_Manor, Paige's room. The resident colorblind in question futzes over dresses as Piper and Teshik enter._

**Paige**: (_absently combining stuff_) …but **if** I **take** the pink glow-**in**-the-dark hal**ter** top, I **have** to wear the ne**on** green Ca**pri** pants **with** them, which is **a** big no-**no** because it's **af**ter Labour Day…oh. **Hi** folks.

**Teshik**: Oh, good. She's already getting dressed for a funeral. In her own special way, of course.

**Piper**: Stuff it. Why the get-up, Paige? Yet another new charge?

**Paige**: No. Hen**ry** asked me **out** on a lunch **date**, and I'm po**si**tively nervous right **now**.

**Teshik**: Henry…Henry. Weren't these the subplots I more or less ignored the past episodes because I thought it wasn't worth it?

**Paige**: You don't have **to** ignore him an**y**more. He ask me **out** on a date, in a **ve**ry ro**man**tic kind **of** way. I have to look per**fect**, this one's going to be espe**cially** good. Pro**bab**ly with a candle-**light** dinner….

**Teshik**: …in broad daylight…at high noon…

**Paige**: …We'll **both** sip end**less**ly at a **glass** of wine…

**Teshik**: …you're a recovering alcoholic…

**Paige**: …and af**ter** he paid **for** my din**ner**…

**Teshik**: …lunch…

**Paige**: …we'll **just** swoop up into se**venth** heaven, for we are **in** loooooove!

**Piper**: Wait. Are you already at the "he'll pay your meal" phase even?

**Paige**: Of **course** we are! Men al**ways** have to **do** that!

**Teshik**: (_to Piper_) Are you going to tell her we're not in the eighties anymore or should I?

**Piper**: Yeah, I will. Paige Honey, aren't you a little too big with your expectations? We don't want you to be disappointed, you know.

**Paige**: Oh, that's ri**di**culous. You two just don't **know **what true love **means**. I how**e**ver…wait, **huh**? What fu**ne**ral?

**Teshik**: Amazing. Her few remaining synapses did fire on this one. Half an hour later, and only after issue-related expository blather, granted, but still.

**Piper**: Yeah, um…we might have seen the Angel of Death this morning.

**Teshik**: And replace "might" with "definitely" in that sentence.

**Paige**: Oh my **good**ness. Are you al**right**?

**Teshik**: No, Paige. Death took us with us, because you clearly aren't talking to us dead people right now. (_to himself_) Christ, this woman.

**Piper**: Teshik and I are gonna be alright, but the Angel of Death said one of our loved ones is going to be taken.

**Paige**: And you **wait **till now **to **tell me I'm **on **Death's list a**gain**?

**Piper**: Well, we don't know who is on his list, exactly. But considering half of our family is already dead, the list of suspects is, thankfully, quite short.

**Teshik**: And I think it's not too much of a spoiler to tell you Daddy Dearest, Sam Sam the Whitelighting Man and your two neglected fruits of your loins are safe – at least this week.

**Piper**: How the hell do you know?

**Teshik**: -_cough_- authorsadvantage –_cough_-

**Piper**: Oh, no, you won't. You can't act all high and mighty about plot holes and then simply create a new one yourself with that 4th wall nonsense.

**Teshik**: But I just wanted to shorten the plot…Uch. Fine.

_He snaps with his fingers._

-_FLASH_-

_Flashback to the first scene. _

**Piper**: Oh, and we won't tell Leo.

**Teshik**: Because Withholding Vital Information From Each Other Has Worked So Well For Us In The Past?

**Piper**: Exactly.

**Teshik**: I hate you.

_Piper and Teshik turn to leave, but after a few seconds, Death smokes back in. _

**Angel of Death**: Oh, and by the way, I, like, totally forgot to mention, like, your sons and Daddy Dearest Victor Bennett and Sam Sam the Whitelighting Man are, like, totally safe from me this week. So all you have to worry about are the TWitch, the Feebs, the Retard and the Dolt. Toodeloo! (_He smokes out again_.)

**Teshik**: Oh, by golly, It sure was nice of Death Incarnate to limit the list of people he's about to reap so we won't have to check in with those anymore. Do you not think, dear friend Piper?

**Piper**: Sure I do, dearest Teshik. Let us not forget this, for it is unfashionably important!

_-FLASH-_

_Back in Paige's room._

**Teshik**: There. You happy now?

**Piper**: I hate you so much for this. (_breathes slowly in and out_) Fine. On with the story. Paige won't do anything particularly dangerous by dating…

**Teshik**: You've been married too long. Just sayin'.

**Piper**: …and as soon as Leo has parked his ugly car in the garage…

**Paige and Teshik**: Garage? What Garage?

**Piper**: (_ignoring them_)… I'm supervising him. I can freeze him, can't I? So. This only leaves the minor matter of Phoebe and Bifi. That shouldn't pose too much of a problem, since Bifi has to be on campus by this time of day, and Phoebe's writing safe in her Bay Mirror office…

**Paige**: **Ac**tually…they're both **de**mon-hunt**ing**.

**Piper**: **_What_**?

_Both Paige and Teshik cringe._

**Paige**: In **Ma**gic School.

**Piper**: What _What_ **WHAT**?

**Paige**: Bifi **said **she has a **lead **to that Demon of The **O**pera Guy that sup**pos**edly killed her sister 15 **years **ago, and it wasn'tmyidea**please**donthurtme…

_Paige has closed her eyes, fearing the wrath of her sister (and, forgetting yet again she's able to orb out of harms way), but Piper is already dealing her sister's cell phone number. _

---

_Magic School, that one main room where -everything- demonic happens now. Bifi, either going for an uglier look as usual, or "cleverly" "disguising" herself as a demonette with an absolutely extreme amount of eye shadow, stands in the center of the hall(?), or rather, runs up and down on the plastic marble floor. Phoebe is hiding in a corner behind a desk. Which is not much of a hiding place, since it's full of holes and all, and anyone entering can see her, and that doesn't even take the squiggling into consideration, but whatever. I've kinda given up on stuff like this. _

**Bifi**: What'sssss taking him sssso long?

**Phoebe**: _I_ don't know. But demons aren't exactly the people you expect to be punctual.

**Bifi**: But he'ssss the only lead in finding my losssst ssssisssster!

**Phoebe**: _I_ know honey, you've told _me_ quite often right now. (_to herself_) and people say _I_ got annoying issues…

**Bifi**: What?

**Phoebe**: Nevermind.

_Phoebe's cell phone rings. Her ring tone, by the way, is Bloodhound Gang's "Foxtrott, Uniform, Charlie, Kilo". _

**Bifi**: Phoebe! Not here!

**Phoebe**: Sorry, duty calls. (_into the receiver_) Hello? Here's …

**Piper** (_on the phone_): **WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?**

_Phoebe drops the cell phone and clutches her poor phone ear. Her cell phone continues screaming insults at her. They echo quite well around the hall. _

**Phoebe**: (_shouting into the phone lying on the floor_) Oops, so so sorry Piper, _I_ mean, Person _I_ do not recognize, but _my_ cell phone reception is really awful here at Magic School today Bye bye!(_she hangs up_) God, if _I_ wasn't scared shitless by her, bitch so would have had a date with Mr Wall by now.

**Bifi**: What did Piper want?

**Phoebe**: Meh, probably a transgression or two on _my _part she found out about. _I _really wonder _how_ she found out about them, though.

_A few seconds pass, then Phoebe's cell rings again. _

**Bifi**: Can't you turn that thing off?

**Phoebe**: And lose possible Baby Daddies? Never! _(into the receiver_) Hello? Here's the FreebieFucksFriscoFoneline™. If you are a male in reproductive age, please hold the line, the frisky female in question is already on her way to you to make your wet dreams come true. Thanks.

**Teshik**: (_on the phone_) For the record, I'm only still in the line because Piper threatens to kill me. Also: You're disgusting as hell.

**Phoebe**: Uch. You. What do you want?

**Teshik**: Oh, just the usual. Death himself turned up and said he wants to kill either Paige, you, Bifi, or the Dolt today. So if you won't mind returning home where it's safer than in a giant demon nest, that'd be great. (_sound of something shattering_) Aah!

**Phoebe**: What was that?

**Teshik**: Piper just told me in her – unique – way that NOT returning is not, and will under no circumstances, be an option.

_Meanwhile, the Tribal Tattoo Demon has entered the hall. Phoebe doesn't notice, since she has her back towards him and Bifi. Bifi tries to be seductive. And fails. _

**Phoebe**: But _we're_ kind of in the middle of something!

_Tribal Tattoo Demon gets angry and starts throwing energy balls. Bifi redirects them via her telekinesis power she didn't exhibit in the real episodes for months. _

**Teshik**: Yeah, and Piper's in the middle of a major freak. Come. Home.

**Phoebe**: But the demon _we_ search for didn't even show up yet!

_One of the energy balls misses Phoebes head by inches. She absentmindedly puts a strand of hair back into its place. _

**Teshik**: Fine by me, but Piper's incinerating you if you won't …. (_sounds of a person hastily scrambling for another cover after the first one's been destroyed by certain Hands of Discontent_) show up, and fast.

**Phoebe**: Even though he could be the best lead of Bully's whereabouts _we_ had in months?

_Tribal Tattoo Demon has grabbed Bifi into a chokehold. Bifi's waving in the oblivious Phoebe's direction with her free arm. _

**Teshik**: Yes, even then. Look, you know what I think about this stupid Bully subplot.

**Phoebe**: Yeah, _I _know, Demon Poo. Don't think _I_ won't believe the same. But every time _I _try to tell her, she just gets this vacant stare….

_Bifi's face is turning a picturesque shade of blue by now. _

**Phoebe**:…and then _I_ just want to punch, _punch_, **punch** the info into her skull!

_Tribal Tattoo demon punctuates every mention of the word "punch" with a punch to Bifi's stomach._

**Phoebe**: But alright, if the Angel of Death himself is after us… _I_ guess we return home.

**Teshik**: That's good. Could you hurry up? We're almost out of living room furniture.

_Another demon has appeared in the hall, to the surprise of both Bifi and the Tribal Tattoo Demon. He quickly dispatches of Tribal Tattoo Demon with a blowdart, sending him unconscious to the floor. He then gets all Biff the Bimbo Slayer on Bifi's ass. _

**Phoebe**: Well, I'm telling Bifi now. She won't be happy, I'm sure about that.

**Teshik**: Color me shocked. And totally not caring. Bye.

**Phoebe**: Bye.

_Phoebe shuts her cell phone. New Unknown Demon chooses this instant to throw Bifi like a puppet across the room, grabbing the unconscious Tribal Tattoo Demon, and squiggles out. Phoebe turns just in time to see the flying and flailing Bifi impact on the wall next to her. _

**-CRUNCH-**

**Bifi**: Ouch.

**Phoebe**: Dammit, _I_ missed something good…err, _I_ mean, Bifi, oh _my_ God, are you hurt?

_The Retard in question, partly embedded in the wall upside down like a very modern artsy interpretation of Leonardo's Vitruvian Man, raises an eyebrow and crooks her vertical mouth a little further at this. _

**Bifi**: Of coursssse I am hurt! And the Deeeemon that took the Deeeemon that took my ssssisssster 15 yearsssss ago, when it wassss raining outsssside, hassss _esssscaped_!

**DUN DUN_ DUN! _**

_Not. Because I'm so not caring about this particular plot point. But you knew that already. But Bifi's suffering , and that's all that matters. _

---

_Manor, kitchen. After reciting the Object of Objection spell yet again, and assuring Paige and Teshik they won't be harmed, Piper leads the following processing summit. _

**Piper**: Okay. All endangered Family members are now home or will be in a few minutes. So their immediate safety can be guaranteed.

**Paige**: Speak **for** your**self**.

**Piper**: Oh, Goddammit, I told you, I've taken my medicine and won't try to harm any of you any longer. Happy?

_There is insecure murmuring from Paige and Teshik._

**Piper**: And get rid of this ridiculous get-up!

_Have I mentioned Paige and Teshik are wearing Police Riot Gear Paige orbed onto them? Because they do. _

**Teshik**: Only if Paige removes hers first.

**Paige**: No **way**. She **still** has that **glint** in the eye that says "**Try** me and **die**".

**Piper**: Fine. _Babies_. Back on topic. What do we do about the imminent Death situation?

**Teshik**: Wasn't there a spell you used last year to prevent Death? That protection spell?

**Piper**: Yeah, but that only prevented Death from collecting the soul, not the actual death. There would be…unfortunate side-effects. I don't know how to stop decomposition.

**Paige**: Well, couldn't we first determine which one of us four is going to die? I mean, so we at least know who to protect?

**Piper**: Good, but how do get that out? It's not exactly like we could ask…

**Teshik**: I'm already a step further, Piper. Be right back!

_Teshik runs out (well, he more or less waddles. The Riot Gear is a few sizes too large for him, but Paige probably hadn't time to check for a better one) and returns a few moments later, with various items in his hands. _

**Teshik**: There, I got everything prepared. Dripping candles, a thurible, incence, three little sticks, an Octagram to keep him inside, and 4 cubic centimetres of mouse blood. Ready for the ritual to summon Death.

**Piper**: What ritual? (_shouts_) Hey, Death! Get your fat ass over here, we gotta talk!

_The Angel of Death apparates. _

**Angel of Death**: There's no need to be rude. I've been working out, just so you know.

**Teshik**: (_looking disappointed_) In every other frickin' show, the summoning of Death would have been met with reverence, respect and just the right measure of awe. Hell, even fucking _South Park_ would have handled this better. God.

_He throws the various magickal items carelessly behind himself. _

**Bifi**: Ow! And Ick! What issss thissss sssstuff on my blousssse?

_Phoebe and Bifi have chosen this moment to appear at the manor. Oh well, at least I got the pleasure of ruining Bifi's top. _

**Teshik**: Mouse blood. And no, I won't tell you how the fuck I got hold of that.

**Bifi**: Why the fuck are you carrying a vial with mousssse blood around with you?

**Teshik**: Death, can you please take her and throw her into Hell and never return her? Pleeeeaaase?

**Piper**: (_to Death_) For the sake of your sanity, I advise that you ignore both Bifi and Teshik as long as they're in the same room.

**Angel of Death**: Thanks. I'll remember. So. Care to elaborate why I'm here?

**Piper**: Easy. Tell me who of my beloved is going to die.

**Angel of Death**: This is against the rules, you know that.

**Piper**: Rules, Shmules. It was against the rules to tell me in the first place, so you might as well go the whole way now.

**Angel of Death**: If you insist…I am going to take Leo with me.

**Piper**: No, you're not. Thanks for coming.

**Angel of Death**: You still won't understand how it works. Once I have appeared, I cannot go again until I have taken a mortal's soul with me. It's like that sword that cannot be sheathed until blood has been drawn.

**Teshik**: Oooh, I know that one. It's been worn by that Narn guy. You know, ermm…

**Phoebe**: _I_ know who you mean. It's that guy that took G'kar's place in the end. Ta'lon!

**Angel of Death**: Yes, you're right. Oh, do you remember the elevator scene with G'kar and Londo?

**Phoebe**: Oh, do _I_ ever. They were hilarious. But Londo always was _my_ favourite character.

**Teshik**: I can't just pick one character as favourite. I mean, remember the kick-ass speech from Delenn as …

**Paige**: (_to Piper_) Are **we** acknow**ledg**ing that we **know** these **freaks**?

**Piper**: (_to Paige_) Sadly, I don't think we have a choice. _(out loud_) Hey! Reality check!

_Phoebe, Teshik, and the Angel of Death snap out of it. _

**Phoebe**: Meh. Leave it to Piper to spoil all the fun.

**Teshik**: Yeah. So we're Fivers. Sue us, why dontcha?

**Piper**: People? Focus. We have to prevent my husbands death.

**Angel of Death**: Actually, one of us doesn't have to.

**Piper**: Right, about that. Could you give us the theoretical time of death and then smoke out? I don't have something against you personally, but you know, spoiling your evil plans isn't just that easy when you stand right next to us.

**Angel of Death**: No problem. I can't tell you the exact time of death, since there's always a flux on that, but you still got at least a few hours left. Try as you want. It doesn't matter either way.

_Death smokes out. _

**Piper**: Okay, folks. We have a few hours before Death reaps Leo. Any suggestions?

**Phoebe**: Yeah. _I_'m off to the Bay Mirror, celebrating _my_ life by fucking…er, _I_ mean, writing _my_ advice column.

**Paige**: I'm al**ready** late for my **lunch **date with **ex**tremely high ex**pect**ations.

**Bifi**: I have to get back to Magic Sssschool, perhapssss I find the Deeeemon that took my Deeeemon.

_Bifi, Paige and Phoebe leave._

**Teshik**: Shit. Wait! People! Don't leave me alone with that crazy harpy! (_pause_) Damn it. (_turns to Piper_) You know, "harpy" is, uh, a German term for ..uhhh…a very nice person? And, uh, don't bother to check, it's a very regional slang term. (_laughs nervously_) Do I have to run for my life again?

**Piper**: No, not yet. First, I have to give Leo the news of his recent death sentence.

**Teshik**: Ouch. Well, I'll leave you alone for that one. Plus, I really gotta pee.

---

_The Garage. You know, the garage? The garage they didn't even mention to Paige and Phoebe since they always parked out in the street? For several fucking years? Yeah, that garage. The Dolt with a death sentence is currently lying under his newly purchased car, checking something or other. Of course no one of the Manor Morons even thought about the remote possibility of Leo getting hurt by this insanely old and unsafe rust bucket, because, well, morons. Duh. Piper enters, and, spotting him under the 9'500 Dollar death trap, freaks and pulls him out under it._

**Piper**: Leo! Don't you dare do that again!

**Leo**: What? Getting oil into my eye?

**Piper**: No. Err, that too. You might get a deadly infection and you'd die!

**Leo**: From a drop of…Piper, have you taken the pills from Mrs Loewenstein this morning?

**Piper**: Yes, I _have_ taken my pills. Why does everyone keep asking me that? Listen, you have to be extremely careful today. I encountered the Angel of Death this morning.

**Leo**: Oh my goodness. Are you alright?

**Piper**: You know, you really remind me of Paige sometimes.

**Leo**: What?

**Piper**: Oh, nevermind. Hon, the Angel of Death isn't after me, he's after you.

_The Dolt looks stricken. But before he can unleash the deadly Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Anguish And Torment on poor unsuspecting Piper, Teshik opens the door and enters. His eyes are closed, he is absently whistling, and loosens his belt, as Leo and Piper watch. _

**Piper**: Errrm…

**Teshik**: GAH! (opens _his eyes, jumps, then scrambles to fasten his belt again_) God**_dammit_**! Why the hell did I land here?

**Leo**: What was your plan?

**Teshik**: Going for a piss!

**Leo**: In the Garage?

**Teshik**: No, Dolt. I prefer to stand on the railing of the second-floor balcony and pee directly onto Mrs Jenkins begonias covering Jenny's Grave. Of course I meant to hit the _bathroom_.

**Piper**: No, no, you won't get there today this way. It's down the invisible moving staircase in the dining room.

**Teshik**: But…it's Tuesday, on the sixth. So that means if I turn out of Phoebe's bedroom via the southern exit, while closing my eyes, I land in the first floor bathroom. (_pause_) Or in the alternate basement, if it's a leap year.

**Piper**: No, only if Paige's bedroom is on the second floor, which it isn't, since it's only there in four out of five days.

**Teshik**: -_sighs_- I hate this fucking house.

**Piper**: Yeah, living directly on a magical Nexus has its downsides. But believe me, it was even worse when we were kids.

**Teshik**: Really? How?

**Piper**: Let's put it this way: When Prue came into kindergarten, she ran randomly into walls – she wasn't used to doors which don't move on their own accord.

**Teshik**: So Prue always had that problem with walls. Kinda poetic, considering her character and her demise. (_pause_) Speaking of demise: Have you dropped the Death bomb yet?

**Piper**: Yes, and we were just about to get emotional and shit about it. So, if you don't mind…

**Teshik**: …missing you getting weepy and shmoopy? Not at all. I mean, not that you're not good at it, what with the experience and all, but seeing you saying goodbye at least twice each season diminishes the impact. So, I'm off to find the real loo. (_pause_) or a bucket.

_He leaves, and Leo and Piper get all emotional n' shit. Scene. _

---

_A few moments later. Piper, having exited the Garage that exists God-knows-where (it's definitely not in the front, you can't see it on either sides, and on the back, there's the solarium) and dried her tears, is standing in the attic._

**Piper**: No one is taking my husband! Except he himself when he's leaving me again. I'll show that Angel of Death…(she _writes a spell down on a piece of paper and recites it_)

_Hide him from sight_

_So I might fight_

_Ignore what leaves bereft –_

_My Husband, from the Angel of Death._

**Leo** (_from downstairs_): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

**Piper**: Oh my God. LEO!

_She runs downstairs and finds Leo in the second floor landing. He stands there, staring at his hands like they're leprous._

**Leo**: You. YOU! What have you done to me, you no-good F-Grade witch!

**Piper**: Honey, could you just calm down a little bit…

**Leo**: Don't you dare Honey me! What have you done to my body?

**Piper**: What do you mean, there's nothing…

_Piper gives Leo's body the rundown. He has changed clothes, and is now wearing a blue t-shirt and jeans. Also, he is sporting a twitch at his right eye, indicating he's in a very sour mood right now. He holds a pair of glasses in his hand…oh. _

**Piper**: Ohhhhh Fuck.

**Leoshik**: Yeah. Fuck indeed. (_He puts on his glasses_) Also, I want to add that you are quite slow at distinguishing me from your husband. Well? What're you waiting for, undo it!

**Piper**: I don't even know how I did that in the first place.

**Leo **(_coming round the corner_): Piper, did someone scream…Huh?

**Piper**: Yeah, I somehow turned Teshik into you. I'm glad you two didn't merge, though.

**Leoshik**: Me too. _Looking_ like the wrinkly Fatbag is bad enough.

**Leo**: Hey! You take that back! I worked out. Almost no fat left.

**Leoshik**: Fine then, I won't get stuck into doors anymore. But there are still the massive wrinkles.

**Leo**: Wrinkles? I died at the tender age of 18! And whitelighters don't age. There can't be any wrinkles.

**Leoshik**: I would like to punch you for that, but I'm afraid there's a mirror effect and we both end up with bleeding noses.

_Piper's cell phone rings. Ringtone: Lee Dorsey – Working in a Coal Mine._

**Piper**: Hello?

**Paige **(_on the phone_) Piper? **Did** you, **per** chance, cast **a** spell?

**Piper**: Err…why do you think so?

**Paige**: Well, I'm **cur**rently sur**round**ed by **ex**tremely cheap spe**cial** effects, pre**tend**ing to be stran**gers** in Leo **form**.

**Piper**: Oh.

**Leoshik**: Please tell me she still has her original body. If I see the Dolt in Paige's or Phoebe's slutwear, I am so going to die.

**Leo**: Me too.

**Piper**: But you are still a non-Leo, right?

**Paige**: Yes, **and **all **fe**males seem **to **be al**right**.

**Piper**: Well, that's a start.

**Paige**: Care **to** ex**plain** why e**ve**ry man looks **like** my brother-**in**-law now?

**Piper**: Well, Leo's going to be taken and I needed something to confuse the Angel of Death.

**Leoshik**: Who might be confused up to the point where he takes the souls of the entire male population of San Fran with him. Great Work, Piper.

**Piper**: Paige, could you just hurry home? We need to sort out this mess. (_She hangs up_) Good. Now we need to call Phoebe home and…

_This is the cue for Phoebe to enter the Manor. She is holding another Leo by his ears. This one is dressed like a pizza delivery guy, with horn-rimmed glasses and braces. Both look unkempt, as if they got dressed in a hurry. _

**Phoebe**: Piper! You will never believe this! _I_ was just on _my_ break, trying to relax, as your evil husband stormed into _my_ office and tried to molest _me_! _I _was this close to call the police on him, you know…(_she arrives on the landing and sees Piper with the Leos_)…oh. Nevermind that. How did this happen?

**Leoshik**: Piper cast a spell to hide the Dolt from the Angel of Death. Now every male in the city is looking like him.

**Phoebe**: Great. So much for _my_ lunch nookie.

**Leo the Pizza Delivery Boy**: Could you pleashe jusht let go of my ear?

**Piper**: And who might you be?

**Leo the Pizza Delivery Boy**: I'm Marty. Thish ish my firsht day of thish job. I wash about to deliver the pitsha as thish madwoman _attacked_ me and ripped of my _closhes_!

**Piper**: Ah. The initiation.

**Leoshik**: Pardon?

**Piper**: Every employee of Pepe's Pizza has to deliver a free pizza to Ask Phoebe on his first day. Their boss figured, if they survive that, they survive everything.

**Leoshik**: Cruel. But efficient.

**Piper**: Phoebe, this boy is probably underage. What were you thinking?

**Phoebe**: That it's still legal in Polynesia?

**Dolty Deliveryman Marty**: What'sh shtill legal in Polyneshia?

_Piper glares. _

**Phoebe**: Oh come on. He isn't that young, he has to learn eventually, and you'd never found out anyways if he hadn't morphed into Leo just before the fun starts. Talk about an off-turner.

**Leo**: Hey!

**Teshik**: Heh. I remember to carry a Dolt photo with me if a woman gets too close to me next time.

**Phoebe**: Heh. Good one.

**Leo**: Hey! Piper, Phoebe and Teshik are being mean to me.

**Piper**: Shush, Hon, I'm thinking. Say, Marty…got any family that would miss you?

**Leoshik**: We are not sacrificing the pizza boy, Piper.

**Dolty Deliveryman Marty**: (_looking increasingly worried_) Shacrifishing?

**Piper**: But he already knows too much. And I'm fresh out of memory dust.

_The Angel of Death chooses this moment to smoke into the Landing, in full battle gear – meaning he wears his skull mask and carries his scythe. Since Leo and Teshik are turning their backs to him, he points towards Marty instead._

**Angel of Death**: PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER, PUNY MORTAL.

**Dolty Deliveryboy Marty**: Eeeheheheh…(_he faints_)

**Piper**: Well, that takes care of Immediate Problem Number One.

**Leoshik**: As for Immediate Problem Number Two and Three: I am not Leo, I have just his body, just like everybody else. And this (_point to Leo_) is just the…the…

**Piper**: Grandfather clock repair…guy. Who just wanted to go.

**Phoebe**: And who can't see or hear you. Come on, Mr…Guy…let's go downstairs.

_She pushes Leo in the direction of the stairs and follows behind. Leo tries – and fails – to ignore the Angel of Death's presence._

**Angel of Death**: WHAT HAVE YOU …OH. HOLD ON ASEC. (_he takes off his skull mask_) There. Much better. What have you done?

**Piper**: I made it impossible for you to find my husband to kill him. By the way, what's with the theatrics? (_points to the scythe_)

**Angel of Death**: Well, usually I don't do this anymore, but I thought since he knew beforehand…I thought I'd go for the classic show.

**Leoshik**: If it helps, I'm sure Marty was very impressed. (_tips Marty in the side with his foot. He doesn't react._)

**Angel of Death**: I think you still don't understand the basic concept. Leo is on my list of people to die. There is nothing you can do against it.

**Piper**: Oh, come on. Last time you showed up, your list said Phoebe's gonna die. She's still here, if you haven't noticed.

**Leoshik**: She has a point, Mr. Death. I mean, show us your mighty list. Who knows if Leo's still on it by now.

**Angel of Death**: Fine. Here.

_He pulls a scroll out of thin air. Piper and Teshik look at the ever-changing list of deceased and soon-to-be-deads. Leo's Name however, doesn't slip away from the list. Teshik catches sight of a deceased object. It is labelled "Brian Krause's contract". _

**Leoshik**: Brian Krause's … (_he looks the Angel in the eye_) You know they wouldn't. _He_ wouldn't. I mean…is this approved by You-know-who?

_The Angel of Death just nods._

**Piper**: Is someone going to tell me what's going on right now?

**Leoshik**: Frankly, no. Excuse me, I have to check something.

_Leoshik snaps with his fingers and opens an interdimensional doorway. As he steps through it, we see him morphing into regular Teshik form before he vanishes._

**Piper**: Hey! What have I told you about breaking the 4th wall?

_The doorway closes. Piper and the Angel of Death (and poor Marty) are left behind alone. An uncomfortable silence remains._

**Angel of Death**: So…seen any good movies lately?

_Piper gives him a frosty glare. _

**Angel of Death**: Just trying to make conversation. Yeesh.

_The black hole reopens. Teshik exits, and since he is now bound to the Charmedverse ruleset again, morphs back into a Leo copy. _

**Leoshik**: Ooof. If anyone of you complains about weight gain: Try gaining 60 pounds in two seconds. Bleargh. (_walks over to the Angel of Death_) Okay, I checked. Fine. I'll play along. But tell Her Holyness that I am most displeased. And by "displeased" I mean "royally pissed". Understand?

**Angel of Death**: Totally.

**Piper**: Do I finally get an answer what's going on between you two? And who the hell is this Brian Krause?

**Leoshik**: No, you won't get an answer. Story telling reasons.

_Piper is miffed, but lets it go – for now. _

**Angel of Death**: Oh, shoot. I have to go again. The Israelis are responding to the latest terror attack by launching missiles against defenseless Palestinian residences. Later!

_Death smokes out. _

**Piper**: (_sighs_) Oh, where have all the flowers gone.

**Leoshik**: Long time passing.

**Piper**: Long time ago.

**Bifi**: (_slamming the door_) What flowerssss?

**Leoshik**: Is it just me or did it just got stupider in here?

**Piper**: We were being deep and symbolic, Bifi.

**Bifi**: Yeah, whatever. Lissssten, I think I know how to find my Deeeemon again.

**Leoshik**: Have I told you today that your sister is dead, dead, dead?

**Bifi**: Jusssst sssso you know, Teshik, the deeeemon that took her didn't kill her the night it wassss raining outsssside.

**Leoshik**: So then he killed her on a bright sunshiny day, fine by me…wait, what? You can distinguish me from regular Dolt?

**Bifi**: Well, of coursssse I can, after all, I'm Bifi, I can do anything!

**Leoshik**: Just a hunch, but…Bifi? Can you describe how I look?

**Bifi**: You are a twentysomething male who looks like a white forty-something wrinkly fatbag who, by the way, could use a haircut.

**Piper**: And could you describe the man lying on the landing floor?

**Bifi**: That's an unknown teen-aged guy who looks like a white forty-something wrinkly fatbag who, by the way, could use a haircut.

**Leoshik**: Hmm. Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Bifi?

**Bifi**: I think so, Teshik. But where are we getting 25'000 Teapots at this time of day?

_Teshik punches Bifi in the face, hard. She goes down, dazed. _

**Bifi**: Narf. (_hits the floor_)

**Piper**: So you mean, while every male body is turned into a Leo copy, their identities stay the same.

**Leoshik**: Yes, the identity is hidden from you, the caster (and additionally, your sisters – probably the bond thing), the target, Death, but not from anybody else.

**Piper**: But why did you notice?

**Leoshik**: Authors have a built-in resistance to mind-altering spells. Plus, I'd be blind not to notice that beer gut (_points at his stomach_) suddenly springing from my body.

**Piper**: Point taken.

**Leoshik**: But this means, while the Angel of Death can't differ one Leo from another, he just have to find someone who does.

**Piper**: We just have to hope Phoebe figured this one out too and hid him somewhere safe.

_Piper's cell phone rings. _

**Piper**: Hello?

**Phoebe**(_on the phone_) Bad news, everyone. _I_ have lost Leo in a crowd.

**Piper**: What? How?

_Cut to Phoebe, who is standing on the side of a street, having her eyes covered with one hand. As we zoom out, we see Phoebe is standing in the middle of an ongoing Gay Pride parade. We also see she's not covering her eyes because she's afraid of the gays, mind you – it's quite probably because of the sight of the Dolt dancing in Mr Slave get-up, one Dolt randomly tongue-kissing other Dolts, Delicious Dolt Drag Queens, and most importantly, six Dolts, standing on a parade wagon, dancing the Can Can clothed in only what seem to be white feather boas. Short ones. _

**Phoebe**: God, _I_ probably can't fuck anyone for _weeks_. The horror. Thank God _I_ stopped eating years ago.

**Piper**: Uhh… just stay where you are, Phoebe. We're there in a few minutes. (_she hangs up_)

**Leoshik**: What do you mean with "we"? I have no idea what Phoebe might have seen, but it made the little Cooter Tat cry, so I'm _definitely_ not exposing myself to it. Plus, one has to take care of Mortal Marty.

**Piper**: Meh, we'll just stuff him into the closet downstairs.

**Leoshik**: Okay. But I'm still not going.

_Teshik and Piper each grab a leg of poor Marty and drag him down the stairs. His head makes a satisfying -bonk- sound every time he hits a step. As they've almost reached the closet however, a bright light flashes across the manor, hitting the two present Leo copies and morph them back into Teshik and regular Marty form. _

**Teshik**: (_looks down at himself_) Oh thank God this is over.

**Piper**: But wait. There wasn't a time restriction in my spell, so why did it stop working?

**Teshik**: Well, either because it fulfilled its purpose – Death isn't looking anymore – which is unlikely, or…

**Piper**: Or the Angel of Death circumvented us and the spell has lost its purpose because... uh oh.

**Teshik**: Uh oh.

---

_The One And Only Hospital In San Francisco. _

_After screaming down a few employees and another scene of Piper and Leo with emotions and shit, we find Paige, Teshik and Piper in a random corridor._

**Paige**: People, I **just** had a **thought**.

**Teshik**: And we thought it would never happen.

**Paige**: Shut **it**. It just **came** to me that **this** is all **way** sus**pi**cious, as if **there** was **some**thing ma**gi**cal causing all **that**. And well, **if** there's a **ma**gical **rea**son be**hind** all this, **may**be something **ma**gical will be **a**ble to **fix** it.

**Teshik**: Oh, I assure you there's nothing magical behind all that.

_He suddenly looks like he said too much, and covers his mouth in an oh-shit expression._

**Piper**: Teshik, is there something that you like to tell us?

**Teshik**: Uh, no?

**Paige**: Come **on**, if you **have** some infor**ma**tion we **need** in **or**der to save **Le**o, then **give** it to us.

**Teshik**: That's the point. You simply can't save Leo this time.

**Piper**: (_stricken_) What? Why not?

**Teshik**: Look, I just _know_, okay?

**Piper**: Whattaya mean, you just know? Spill it!

**Teshik**: Uh… you see, it's like that…oh, Look! A Cheap Distraction!

_He points down the hallway. As Piper and Paige turn, they see six fabulous men, thankfully un-Dolted, dancing the Can Can, dressed only in white feather boas. Short ones. As they turn back to Teshik, they see that he's gone. _

**Paige**: Pi**per**, our au**thor** just bailed **on **us.

**Piper**: (_narrowing eyes_) Not for long, he won't.

_We'll see about that, Shrew._

**Piper**: Hey! He's hiding in the narration!

_What? Shit. No, uh, he's …not._

**Piper**: I think I'll simply glare at the stupid line you just wrote.

_Fine. Could you please just hurry to the next scene to get to the bottom of it all now? This is already page 14 here._

**Piper**: Whatever.

---

_Manor, Sun Room Department. All P's are present, as well as two heretofore unseen characters, a male Elder and a female Avatar. FYI, I'm calling the Avatar Kappa, because of the whole Greek letter naming system, and the Elder Celesny, just for the heck of it. Both of them are trapped in Octagrams drawn on the floor. A third Octagram is in their middle, still empty. Piper throws a potion vial in the third one, and with some Glowing Golf Balls … Hey! What's happening to me?_

**Teshik**: Was zur Hölle…Piper? What am I doing… (_tries to step over the boundaries of the Octagram. Sparks fly, and he is thrust backwards_) OW! (_Notices the Octagrams on the floor, as well as the Avatar and the Elder_). Ooookay. Note to self: Don't let your characters get their hands on Octagrams. Now, Piper: let us out.

**Piper**: No. Not until one of you is going to save Leo.

**Kappa**: Oh dear.

**Teshik**: Piper, I told you before. Leo is going to die. Sorry about that, but it's going to happen.

**Piper**: And if I get him(_indicates the Elder_) to heal his injuries?

**Celesny**: (_not meeting her eye_) I…can't do that, Piper.

**Piper**: Fine, then how about the Avatars turn back time?

**Kappa**: No. We won't.

**Piper**: Okay, then we'll get Teshik to simply rewrite the stupid ending.

**Teshik**: As much as I would like to…no.

**Piper**: Fat chance. I got all of you trapped here, and unless one of you helps me help my husband, no one of you is going to leave.

**Celesny**: I wouldn't threaten anyone of us, if I were you.

**Paige**: Why **not**?

**Kappa**: Just Don't.

**Phoebe**: Why? Whatcha gonna do, trapped Avatar girl?

_Kappa closes her eyes and concentrates, causing the Octagram around her to shatter into tiny pieces. Teshik snaps with his fingers, causing his Octagram to erase itself, and the Elder simply steps over his Octagram boundaries as if they were nonexistent. _

**Kappa**: You were saying?

**Phoebe**: Errr…That you are very very pretty when you're all powerful?

**Kappa**: (_to Celesny and Teshik_) See? This is where Free Will gets us ultimately.

**Teshik**: Oh Kappa, don't get started with me.

**Celesny**: See, I told you we should have locked the Avatars in a dimensional pocket or something. They're a nuisance.

**Kappa**: Well, why didn't you and your lazy Elder-mates get to it, if you think we're the true Evil? Probably because this would meant you'd had to get off of your fat asses and actually _do_ something?

**Celesny**: You mean, like screwing over the whole planet, big time? _Great_ Plan.

**Kappa**: At least we gave the Mortals a Utopia where everybody was _happy_! Everything you ever did was giving lame advice and prevent some minor magic marriages from happening. I am soo impressed.

**Teshik**: As much as I despise to say it, but, Point to the Avatar.

_In this moment, several flowerpots in the solarium detonate. Everyone looks at Pipers Hands of Discontent, still in flinging motion. _

**Piper**: Now that I got your attention back, Husband, Saving, NOW!

**Teshik**: Piper? It's not that we won't. We just can't.

**Piper**: And Why?

_The three non-P's look at each other, but won't say anything. _

**Piper**: Why does Leo have to die! Someone!

**Celesny**: Well…there is a way…

_Kappa and Teshik look at him, shocked. _

**Teshik**: Dude, don't.

**Piper**: What way?

**Celesny**: We could summon someone who is able to tell you…

**Kappa**: Oh, no, we won't!

**Teshik**: Silence, old man!

**Celesny**: ... They are called Angels of Destiny.

**Teshik**: That's it. You are so Chuck Cunninghammed by the end of this episode, mister.

**Kappa**: And if you think we will actually _summon_ her…

**Piper**: Well, then don't. We'll do it. I mean, we're the fuckin' Charmed Ones.

**Phoebe**: Yeah. _We're_ the STAHS!

**Teshik**: Not in my Universe, you ain't. It takes more than you three to summon a Crackmonkey.

**Paige**: Wait. Crackmonkey?

**Teshik**: Everyone of us calls them differently. They have many names, Angels of Destiny, Crackmonkeys, The Writing Staff, whathaveyou. They all mean the same.

**Kappa**: Personally, we call the females "Mrs. Teasley" and the males "Mumuu-ed Massive-Man-Teats Marshmallow.

_Everyone stares at Kappa. _

**Teshik**: You Avatars are sooo weird sometimes.

**Kappa**: What?

**Celesny**: The Author, the Avatar and I have to summon him, since it involves breaking the 4th wall.

**Piper**: Again?

**Kappa**: No, really, what?

**Teshik**: Fine then. Let's get this over with.

**Kappa**: But I don't want to! Don't I get a vote?

**Celesny**: Hey, you didn't want any Free Will. Your choice.

**Kappa**: -_sighs_- No one understands me.

_The three non-P's arrange themselves in a triangle and close their eyes. The camerawork gets all spinny._

**Celesny, Kappa and Teshik**:

_We, Powers Three,_

_We summon thee,_

_And call to us_

_The Angel of Destiny._

**Phoebe**: Hey! The power of Three is our shtick! Get yourself another one!

**Celesny**: Quiet!

_In the middle of the Triangle, a sparkly golden ball forms, buzzes around all present for a few moments, and then coalesces into Crackmonkey, err, Angel of Destiny form. This exemplary is black, female, and looks quite peeved at being summoned. In the background, we see that Kappa's, Teshik's, and Celesny's demeanor changes: They suddenly don't behave anymore like omnipotent godchilds, but rather like kids thinking "Shit, Mommy's home and we broke her favourite vase". _

**Angel of Destiny**: Who are you to summon me?

**Kappa and Teshik**: (_pointing at the Elder_) It's his fault!

**Celesny**: Tattle-talers.

**Piper**: Actually, Missy, they did it for us. Now, tell me why you want my husband to die or else!

_The Angel of Destiny frowns, then looks at the P's for a second like the vermin they are, and violently TK's them into a wall with a flick of her finger. The Charmed Ones go down, left for dead._

**Teshik**: Oh Shit!

_He snaps with his fingers. _

_Unbeknownst to our characters, a botched spell Paige performed two days ago had transformed the back solarium wall into rubber. So instead of breaking every bone in their bodies, the sisters are able to regain consciousness after a moment.  
_**  
Teshik**: (_out of breath_) Piper, for the -_gasp_- love of Christ, please -_gasp_- don't do that again, okay?

**Piper**: Fine. I'll be polite. Can you please explain me why Leo has to die?

**Angel Of Destiny**: It is, simply put, his destiny.

**Piper**: That's not a sufficient answer.

**Angel Of Destiny**: You will just have to live with this one.

**Piper**: Okay, that's a heavy load of bullcrap.

_The Angel of Destiny narrows her eyes and flings the sisters around telekinetically – but this time, through the decidedly non-rubber glass windows. They are covered in shards, and are bleeding freely. _

_Fortunately for them, Celesny scrambles to them and applies the Whitelighter Tingly Touch. The P's wounds mend, and they regain consciousness. _

**Celesny**: (_looking strained from the exercise_) What has your Author told you about the wrath of the Angel of Destiny?

**Phoebe**: That we shouldn't provoke it?

**Celesny**: Good Witch. Have a cookie.

_The witches stand up and face the Angel again. _

**Paige**: Pi**per**, how a**bout** you let **us** talk. Miss Des**ti**ny, **what** my tempera**ment**ally **chal**lenged **sis**ter is **try**ing to **say** is, what pur**pose** has **the** Death of **Leo** in the Grand De**sign** of Things? I mean, **may**be, there's a **way** to get there **with**out…Leo dy**ing**.

**Angel Of Destiny**: Fine.

_The Angel of Destiny blinks, and changes her eye color to sparkly golden. Celesny, Kappa and Teshik exhibit similar ocular changes, and their body language abruptly stiffens. _

**Teshik**: There's one more battle on the horizon for you three.

**Celesny**: One unlike you've ever faced before.

**Kappa**: One you won't see coming.

**Teshik**: And One… you may not survive.

_The Angel of Destiny blinks, getting her non-freaky eyes back. The three others similarly blink and their eyes return into their normal state. _

**Teshik**: Damn. I hate it when they do the possession number.

**Kappa**: Me too. It always leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

**Teshik**: Yeah.

**Piper**: Fine, but that still doesn't explain why the love of my life has to die you fucking cryptic bitch!

_Everyone waits for the telekinetic bitchslap, but for some reason, it doesn't happen. _

**Piper**: Finally, you listen a little, lady.

**Phoebe**: Piper, why are Teshik and the others walking backwards away from _us_?

**Piper**: Because, if I hate something, it's people like you, getting caught in riddles and stuff they themselves don't understand and…

_Celesny, Kappa and Teshik are now crouched at the far end of the room, as far away from the P's as possible, and covering their eyes with their hands. They peek through their fingers, however. _

**Paige**: Do **you **hear that **sound**? Sounds **like **a faint **whist**le.

**Piper**: …and furthermore, it's time someone acknowledges what we've done for all of your asses! Fucking Time, I say!

_Yes it is time. For the METEOSAT-8 Weather Satellite to crash directly into the Manor, directly into the Sun Porch, and most importantly, directly onto Piper, Phoebe and Paige, crushing them into mush._

**Teshik**: Crap. Houston, we have a major problem right now.

**Celesny**: This is a little too big for the Author or me to fix. So if you please…

**Kappa**: Yeah, whatever. But you owe me for this.

_Kappa closes her eyes and concentrates. Time slows down, and then, rolls backwards. The Weather Satellite assembles itself back, ascends from the floor, the Sun Porch ceiling mends itself. Time resumes._

_Celesny, Kappa and Teshik are now crouched at the far end of the room, as far away from the P's as possible, and covering their eyes with their hands. They peek through their fingers, however. _

**Paige**: Do **you **hear that **sound**? Sounds **like **a faint **whist**le.

**Piper**: …and furthermore, it's time someone acknowledges what we've done for all of your asses! Fucking Time, I say!

_Yes it is time. For the METEOSAT-8 Weather Satellite to… break a little from its course and crash directly onto the home of some poor unsuspecting egg-producers, crushing them into mush._

**Mrs. Jenkins**: (_from outside_) Oh GOD! MY CHICKEN STABLE!

**Kappa**: Oops.

**Teshik**: Don't worry. She's used to it.

_He hurries over to Piper. _

**Teshik**: Listen. This lady is part of the Charmed Writing Staff. What she writes, is _canon_. So if you die at her hands, it's not just a reversible episode death – it's a "Oh my gosh, they killed Prue and we'll never ever see her again, not even on a fuckin' photo" death. Understand?

**Piper**: The weather satellite was enough hint for me.

**Teshik**: Finally. Angel of Destiny? Could we please just cut through the crap and you tell the sisters what they need to know?

**Angel of Destiny**: Alright. (_to the P's_) The loss of Leo is something that is vital your destinies journey, as it is the loss of a beloved family member that will motivate you all to fight, even against adversaries you wouldn't stand a chance otherwise.

**Piper**: Teshik, a translation for all that destiny stuff, please.

**Teshik**: Brad Kern had to return on Season Eight with drastically reduced budget, so in order to pay the bills for the more important things, like Kaley Cuocos wages for her outrageous acting abilities, and among others, the helicopter he's about to rent for a future episode, he unceremoniously sacked Brian Krauses fat ass, who is the actor portraying Leo Wyatt. So no nookie for you until at least, the series finale.

_The Angel of Destiny, pissed, tries to TK Teshik into the nearest wall. Teshik however snaps with his fingers before his back impacts, and vanishes into a black hole. At the same time, another black hole at the other side of the room springs up, and spews Teshik out again, ass first, dumping him on the floor. _

**Teshik**: Ow. Damn, Lady, you really have some aggression issues we should talk about.

**Angel of Destiny**: You'll pay for that one, one way or the other.

**Teshik**: Yeah, whatever.

**Piper**: But first, I understand now I won't see Leo for quite some time now, but can't we change his death into something else?

**Angel of Destiny**: What do you have in mind?

---

_A few moments of boring exposition later, the group has reassembled in the living room. The Angel of Destiny waves with her arm, and with her sparkling special effect, a platform, a table with a bunch of crystals, and three individuals into the room: Leo, who is missing his accident wounds and is standing on the platform; the Refrigerator Demon, who had appeared before to steal Bifi's demon; and Bifi, who is being held in a chokehold by the aforementioned. _

**Bifi**: -_grrrrk_- Weren't we in a dark Underworld -_gkk_- cave just a few sssseconds ago?

**Refrigerator Demon**: Yes. I would definitely remember squiggling myself directly into the Charmed Ones Headquarter.

**Leo**: Well, I'm not complaining. Having the live-threatening painful wounds removed sure feels good.

**Refrigerator Demon**: Okay, Ladies with the Power to blow me up: This is not what you probably think.

**Teshik**: No, no, go on. I have absolutely no problem with that.

**Bifi**: Don't interrupt us now guyssss, I have him where -_gggkkllk_- I want him now!

**Piper**: Demon, let go of Bifi. I have a proposal to make.

**Refrigerator Demon**: Only if this won't involve my vaporisation after I let go of her.

**Piper**: It won't. I promise.

_He lets go of the Retard. _

**Piper**: Here's the deal. You'll freeze my husband with that thing of yours, and if you don't come after us, we won't come after you. Bifi included.

**Bifi**: WHAT? But Piper! Thissss issss the Deeeemon that took my Deeeemon that took my ssssisssster fiffffteen yearssss ago! You can't let him go!

**Angel of Destiny** (_to Teshik_) Wow. Is Miss Cuoco always this bad?

**Teshik**: (_to the Angel of Destiny_) Don't watch the eps, do you? Not always, but almost. Good on comedy, awful on drama. Hey, when you're back: Go to your casting department and rip them a new one for me, will you?

**Angel of Destiny**: I'll consider it.

**Teshik**: Thanks.

**Piper**: Bifi, no discussion. This is the only way to save Leo, so I'm not debating it.

**Leo**: Wait a moment. Freeze me? This is going to help?

**Piper**: Yes honey. It's rather complicated, but for you, it boils down to "I get frozen" or "I get killed".

**Leo**: Oh. In that case…frozen it is.

_The next few minutes are filled with yet another emotional and shit goodbye scene, which starts to bug me around this point. I get it, okay?_

_Then, the Fridge Demon freezes the dolt, casts a last nasty sideglance towards the Retard, and squiggles down with his equipment in his underworld lair – only to be vanquished by the supposed Big Bad 30 seconds later. _

**Angel of Destiny**: Oh, by the way – Bifi, you will not only be around for the rest of all Charmed episodes ever, you also will find your sister. It is your destiny. (_turns towards Teshik_) Ha! Take _that_, you little lowlife FanFiction author!

**Paige**: Oh, Burn. The F-word.

**Teshik**: That was unnecessary cruelty, and you know that.

**Angel of Destiny**: Oh, simmer in it. Weenie. (_to the P's_) If you survive the Great Battle, he will be returned to you. Until then…

_With that, she waves a hand, and the Doltsicle is carried away in a hail of golden sparks. The Angel of Destiny vanishes in the same way. Kappa flares out, leaving the rest of the crew to mourn over the loss of Leo. Oh, and Celesny Cunningham? He, uh…went to boarding school. Or something. The end._

---

---

---

Addendum: Since this is, finale aside, the last episode with Brian Krause, and thus, Piper and Leo together, I'll give you shippers a little bonus. Enjoy.

_(Background Music : Ben E King – Stand by me)_

_Paige, Phoebe, Bifi and Teshik are standing on the stage of P3. Paige has a cello in front of her, Phoebe and Bifi are holding violins. All girls wear the same light blue, but simple dress. Teshik, in a smoking, is standing in front of a microphone. Paige starts playing. Illuminated by a lightspot, we see Piper and Leo. Leo also wears a smoking, and Piper wears a blue glittery dress I'm quite sure she wore in an episode before. She's gorgeous. They begin to dance slowly._

**Teshik**: (_singing_)

_When the night has come_

_and the land is dark_

_and the moon is the_

_only light we'll see_

(flashback to Piper's and Leo's first marriage attempt, the moon shields them from the Elders)

_no, I won't be afraid,_

_no, I won't be afraid,_

_just as long as you stand_

_stand by me_

(Leo gets drawn away after the Elders get what's up. Piper remains, alone in her wedding dress)

_so darling, darling stand by me,_

_oh stand by me_

_oh stand, stand by me,_

_stand by me_

(Leo proposes to Piper in the bathroom. Piper, in P3, reading Leo's heartfelt valentine)

_if the sky that we look upon_

_should tumble and fall_

(Season 5 finale: Goddess Piper, crushed, lets thunderstorms loose on San Francisco.)

_all the mountains_

_should crumble to the sea_

(Season 4 opener: Leo comforts the devastated Piper at Prues Funeral)

_I won't cry, I won't cry,_

_No, I won't shed a tear,_

_just as long as you stand,_

_stand by me_

_and darling, darling stand by me,_

_oh stand by me_

_oh stand now, stand by me,_

_stand by me_

(Season 7 opener: Piper lays her hands around Leo, who just killed an Elder, to comfort him)

_Violin solo_

(Piper and Leo in various scenes, talking to each other, kissing, flirting, arguing. I'll let your imagination decide)

_so darling, darling stand by me,_

_oh stand by me_

_oh stand , stand by me,_

_stand by me_

(Leo gets shot by Darklighter Demian in the Astral plane. Piper tends to his wounds)

_Whenever you're in trouble_

_won't you stand by me,_

_oh stand, stand by me…_

(this ep: Piper and Leo confess their love to each other, before Leo gets frozen)

_As Teshik is trailing out, Piper and Leo loosen their embrace. They hold each other's hand, but Leo is drawn away by an unseen force, until he vanishes in the darkness. The lights on P3's stage dim, and only Piper, standing alone in the spotlight on the dance floor, remains. _

---

---

---

Oh, and a final message to :

Elisabeth, Wilhelm, Olga, Gustav, Renate, Heinrich, Friedrich, Siegfried, Elfriede, Helmut, Hermann, Senta and Roswitha: I miss you.


	13. 8:11 Nature: 1, Nurture: 0

**8-11 : Nature: 1, Nurture: 0**

-

_Attic. Where else. Phoebe's hacking away on her laptop, Bifi's yapping about some unimportant topic or other(I know it's the A-Plot. But it's about corporate America demons - Corporate. America. Demons. - having a direct connection to the ones kidnapping Bifi's ssssisssster while it wassss raining outsssside to usssse her powerssss for nefarioussss purpossssessss. Come ON. Even I have limits.) Teshik enters. _

**Teshik**: Oh joy. Starting the day with my least favourite characters. Hey, Bifi, shut up, I hate you, I hope you die painfully. Hey Phoebe….bee…beee…beee...beee…

**Bifi**: What'ssss with him?

**Phoebe**: Oh, _I_ know. Stuck because of something nice to say. (_Stands up, hits him at the back of his head._)

**Teshik**: Bee…ow! Thanks. Phoebe, I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but you're looking awfully good today. The hair's almost as shiny as Pipers, the Funbags are fully covered…and have you…have you _eaten_ something?

**Phoebe**: _I_ wouldn't go _that_ far.

**Teshik**: Oh well. Two out of three ain't bad. (_shrugs_) But since every good thing is followed by two awful ones on this fucking planet…

**Phoebe**: You spend too much time with Piper. Just sayin'.

**Teshik**: …I just know the plot is going to be twice as bad today. Well, I might get it over with. Care to hit me with blunt and boring exposition, Retard?

**Bifi**: No. I'm getting a headache. (_rubs her temples with her index fingers_) Couldn't ssssomeone elsssse sssstart off the eksssspossssition conga line thissss time? Paige, for egggzzample?

_Then, like, suddenly, stuff happened._

_---_

**Background Music: Gloria Stefan – Konga**

_We make a cut into the second floor landing, and zoom in onto Paige. She is holding a pair of maracas, and begins to dance. _

**Paige** (_singing_):

_Come on , shake your body baby, do the conga  
I know you can't control yourself any longer  
Come on , shake your body baby, do the conga  
I know you can't control yourself any longer_

_We can see now that Paige, Teshik, Phoebe, Bifi and Piper are lined up in a row. Each is grabbing the frontmans/-womans hip. _

**Piper**: What the fuck just happened? And why the hell are we dancing?

**Teshik**: I dunno. Piper! Blast something!

**Piper**: How? My hands are glued to Bifi!

**Teshik**: Well, sounds like an promising starting point to me.

**Bifi**: Hey!

**Phoebe**: It seems Bifi may have accidentally activated a spell or something.

**Teshik**: But how? There wasn't any rhyming involved.

**Piper**: Teshik, if you please…

**Teshik**: Please what?

**Piper**: Use your Author powers to get us out of here.

**Teshik**: Ever heard of the deux ex machina? _You're_ the ones who have to get out of hijinx like this, not me.

**Piper**: Bah. Screw good story-telling, I'm not in the mood.

**Teshik**: Fine. But for the record, I only do this because I'm stuck in it, too.

_He closes his eyes and concentrates._

_Unbeknownst to our characters, the Dance Disruptor Demon had accessed the Manor, and within seconds, he caused his obscure power to …NOT disperse the Conga Line? The Hell?_

**Teshik**: (_confused_) Huh?

**Phoebe**: What? Why are we still dancing?

**Teshik**: I dunno. That's weird.

**Dance Disruptor Demon**: (_building the new rear at the conga line_) Can someone please tell me what I am doing here? And why the hell are we dancing?

**Piper**: Stoopid Magical Hijinks. And now shush, demon.

**Dance Disruptor Demon**: Yes Ma'am.

**Teshik**: I'll try something different. Sorry for your dishes, Piper!

**Piper**: What do you mean?

_Teshik concentrates again._

_Unbeknownst to our characters, a new rift of the San Andreas Fault is forming directly in Prescott Street, causing a medium sized earthquake. The entire house shakes, causing the dancing group to …NOT fall apart? Dammit!_

**Teshik**: I can't believe it! Someone's blocking me!

**Piper**: Author power can be blocked?

**Teshik**: Yeah, but you have to be an author yourself to do that. So unless one of you suddenly developed…oh crap.

_-FLASH-_

_Flashback to the Attic. _

_Teshik watches Bifi rubbing her temples. _

**Bifi**:"Eksssspossssition Conga Line".

_Solarium, last episode._

**Mrs Teasley of Crackmonkey's Destiny**: …pay for that one, one way or the other…

_Brad Kern, in his office, smiling. _

_-FLASH-_

**Teshik**: KERN YOU MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH, I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!

**Phoebe**: God, you don't mean she got a power advancement ?

**Piper**: Wait, I got left out _again_? I'm due! I'm fuckin' overdue!

**Bifi**: I got a new power? That'ssss sssso cool!

**Teshik**: No, actually, it's not, considering you don't even use your _first_ power. Now get us out, Retard.

**Bifi**: Ssssure! But how?

**Teshik**: Well…think up some event that causes us to end the conga line. Duh.

**Bifi**: Okay. And then?

**Teshik**: Activate your goddamn power.

**Bifi**: But I don't even now how I activated it the first time!

**Teshik**: Oh great. People? I'd like to announce the fact that we are, as of now, officially doomed.

**Piper**: I'd like to remind you all of the fact that I called our all certain doom way back in Season 1.

**Teshik**: Although I doubt it somehow you foresaw our deaths by interminable conga line.

**Bifi**: Don't worry guyssss. I'm Bifi, I'll figure it out with my awessssome blondnessssssss!

**Piper****and Teshik**: Dooooooomed.

**Bifi**: (_mopes_) No one undersssstandssss me.

**Teshik**: No, no. Everyone understands you. No one _likes_ you. That's the difference.

**Bifi**: _Waaahh!_

**Piper**: Teshik, more of solving-problems, less of making-the-Retard-cry.

**Teshik**: Meh. Hold on. I'll try something.

**Background Music: Squeezer - Blue Jeans**

**Phoebe and Paige**: (_singing_) _Oooooooooohhh…drop your pants!_

**Teshik**: Well, that's a start.

**Piper**: How's that a start? Now both Phoebe and Paige are stuck with singing.

**Phoebe and Paige**:

_Blue jeans baby is all what I like_

_my sexy blue jeans baby for you is alright,_

_My sexy blue jeans_…

(_they continue in the background. The Dance Disruptor is providing the male bass line support_)

**Teshik**: Yes, but that means, while I can't remove Bifi's plot element, maybe I can circumvent it.

**Piper**: What do you mean?

_And now, for a little change of pace, the background music changes to Enya - Only Time…no, actually, it doesn't. Fuck._

**Teshik**: Hmm. Maybe if…

_The background music changed now, to Kryperia's Liberatio…no, it didn't. Grrr._

**Piper**: You have quite an … interesting taste in music. Just sayin'.

**Teshik**: One, shut up, Shrew. Two, try to think of appropriate music choices whilst stuck in a Magical Conga Line glued between Phoebe and Paige, singing about how you should drop your hot blue jeans. And Three, the music was supposed to help us.

**Piper**: How? By depressing us into a catatonic state?

**Teshik**: Simple. Can we dance a cheery conga line while soothing New Age crap is reminding us of Tsunamis and Nine-Eleven? Certainly not, because it's inappropriate as hell.

**Piper**: Okay, but that didn't work either, did it?

**Teshik**: No. And we're out of options now. The only means of stopping this thing are a) we wait until the Retard figures out how to use her new power…

**Bifi**: …and then, the Care Bearssss appeared and ssssaved the day! Hrrrrnnnggh!

**Teshik**: Oy. Or we _don't_ wait until 2087 and b) rely on the fact this is an "Exposition" conga line, and exposition us out of here. How about you start with establishing your issues?

**Piper**: Issues? Me? I don't have issues. I'm perfectly fine.  
**Teshik**: Piper…

**Piper**: Okay, my life could be a teensy weensy bit more normal, but other than that…

**Teshik**: I have ways to make you talk, you know.

_Our intrepid heroes conga into another room. Yes, I have decided "to conga" is a valid English verb now. Shut up. As we see them again, a big hunkin' chunk'o'ice is placed between_

_Bifi and Piper. _

**Bifi**: Did it jusssst get colder in here? Piper, your handssss are practically freezing me!

**Piper**: Leo! _LEO_! Oh, my poor poor husband! God, I miss you so much…Okay, Okay! Fine! I'm a big fat liar, and wrapped in a chunk of denial bigger than Oprah's ass. Happy now?

**Teshik**: Since the Retard's still alive, no. But I take what I can get.

**Angel of Destiny:** _(appearing behind the DanceDisruptor Demon in line_) For the 13th time, Piper, do not conjure your frozen husband anymore… Why the hell are we dancing?

**Teshik**: Hijinks Hour.

**Angel of Destiny**: Ah.

**Teshik**: Fine. Piper issues, checked. Moving on to the other two.

**Piper**: But Phoebe and Paige are still singing that Blue Jeans shit. You have to change it first.

**Teshik**: Fine. I even have something that's vaguely appropriate for you.

**Piper**: _Me_? Oh no. No way in hell I'm gonna…

**Teshik**: Too late.

**Background Music: Vengaboys - Shalala Lala**

**Piper**: (_singing_) _There's a boy in my mind and he knows I'm thinkin' of him…(continues in the background)  
_**Paige**: FI**NAL**LY some**one** stopped me **from** singing!

**Teshik**: You can thank the Retard later. I'll bring the boxing gloves. Now, expose your innermost secrets and desires for the delectation of the public masses, please.

**Paige**: You **are **the most un**sen**sitive per**son** I've e**ver** met **in **my en**tire** life.

**Teshik**: Why, thank you. On with the issues.

**Paige**: Hr**mpf**. Well, **it's** just that…Hen**ry** re**fu**ses to re**turn** my **calls**. And I'm **won**dering if this **means** something **hap**pened, or he…**just** lost **in**terest in me.

**Bifi**: Aw. I'm ssssure you really wish he wassss here right now. (_pause_) Unh. All thissss thinking of ssssolutionssss makessss my headache worsssse.

_Then, like, suddenly, stuff happened. _

**Phoebe**: (_looks behind herself_) People? Good News, and Bad News. Good News is: Bifi activated her stupid power. Bad News is…

**Henry**: (_behind Phoebe in line_, _confused_) Can someone please tell me what I'm doing here?

**Teshik**: Err…This is all a dream, Harvey Kinkle. Nothing to worry about.

**Henry**: My name's Henry.

**Teshik**: Whatever, like I care. You're only a two-episode-slampiece anyway.

**Paige**: No, he's not, this is his fourth now. He's my mid-season story arc.

**Teshik**: Story-arc? All you did up to now was meaningless banter and relationship development that really isn't. So unless he has any connection to your Big Bad fight later, he's completely useless, story wise.

**Henry**: I am?

**Paige**: Don't **you **worry. I check**ed** and dou**ble**-check**ed** this time. No traum**atic** childhood **A**vatar stuff **or **whatev**er**.

**Henry**: You did?

**Phoebe**: _I_ certainly hope so, considering your last love was batshit crazy and tried to kill _me_. **Henry**: He was?

**Paige**: I will ne**ver **live that **one **down, huh

**Phoebe**: No, never. _I_ mean, _I_ was Queen of the Underworld four years ago, for like, five seconds, but do you think anyone forgives _me_?

**Henry**: She was a Mafia boss?

**Teshik**: Close, and yet so far. Harvey, could you please stop asking questions? It's not like you'll get answers anyway.

**Henry**: Henry.

**Teshik**: What-fucking-ever. Do something interesting, then maybe I'll care. Soo…Paige is done. How about we get to our last candidate?

**Phoebe**: I don't wanna.

**Teshik**: Why not, all of a sudden? It's your favourite topic: _Me, Myself and I_.

**Phoebe**: Yes. And no. And it's complicated.

**Teshik**: So, that means he's married?

**Phoebe**: Why do you automatically assume _I_ have men trouble when _I_ have issues?

**Teshik**: Eight years of experience?

**Phoebe**: Well, for the record, it's not about a guy. _I'm_ not that shallow.

**Teshik**: Ah great. Everyone, Phoebe's possessed and/or replaced by an evil demon.

**Phoebe**: What?

**Teshik**: You put on more clothes, look almost healthy, and now you're trying to tell me this is _not_ about a guy? Come on. What've you done with the real Phoebe?

**Phoebe**: Oh, this is ridiculous.

**Paige**: **Well**, he con**vinced** _me_.

**Phoebe**: Goddammit, you no-good critic! Practically all you've done the past four years is complaining I'm too me-oriented. Now I exhibit non-hagritudity for once, and you…

**Teshik**: What kind of word is "hagritudity"?

**Phoebe**: It's a very valid word, thank you very much.

**Teshik**: It's not.

**Piper**: (_singing_)…_My heart goes shalala lala, shalala in the morning…  
_**Phoebe**: Is too.

**Teshik**: Is not.

**Piper**: …S_halala lala, shalala in the sunshine…  
_**Phoebe**: Is too.

**Teshik**: Is not.

**Phoebe**: A thousand times is!

**Teshik**: A million times is not!

**Piper**: …_Shalala lala, shalala lala in the evening…  
_**Phoebe**: A bazillion gazillion times is!

**Teshik**: Infinity plus one times is not!

**Paige**: Hey Don't **make **me **turn **this con**ga** line a**round**, kids!

**Phoebe**: But Teshik's cheating!

**Piper**: …_Shalala lala, shalala lala just for you…_

**Teshik**: Am not!

**Phoebe**: Are too!

**Teshik**: Am not!

**Phoebe**: _Are too!_

**Teshik**: _Am not!_

**Phoebe**: _MOOOM!_

**Paige**: Go**d!** Stop **it** you **two!**

**Teshik**: What? It's not like we have anything _productive_ to do. Aside from spilling Phoebe's issues, but she keeps stalling.

**Phoebe**: _I_ am not stalling!

**Teshik**: Are too!

**Phoebe**: Am not!

**Teshik**: Are too!

**Phoebe**: Am not!

**Paige**: _AUGH_! Phoe**be** **Nar**cissa Hal**li**well, you will **talk** about your is**sues**, NOW!

**Phoebe**: Wow. Someone really needs to get out of here.

**Paige**: Yes, **be**cause some**one** reaaaally **needs** to **pee**.

**Phoebe**: Oh, poor sis. You still got that bladder infection?

**Teshik**: Ladies?

**Paige**: Yeah I tried the an**ti**bio**tic** you gave me, **but** no use.

**Teshik**: Ladies! Tee Emm Eee!

**Phoebe**: Deal with it. How are _we_ supposed to know that's not part of the exposition?

**Teshik**: I am quite willing to take that risk. Now, Phoebe, issues. Preferably, the ones _not_ revolving around STD's.

**Phoebe**: Well, there is this one letter to _my_ advice column, but _I_ can't figure out good any good advice to her. And the deadline's tomorrow.

**Teshik**: Since when do you care about your readers?

**Phoebe**: Do you rather want to discuss "Who's _my_ baby's daddy" with _me_?

**Teshik**: Of COURSE you care about your readers. You _always_ do. You're such a compassionate and empathic woman, Phoebe!

**Phoebe**: Much better.

**Teshik**: Still, could the compassionate and empathic Phoebe stop grabbing my ass now?

**Phoebe**: You know you want _me_ little Teshik. Besides, it's not like there's much ass to feel up there.

**Teshik**: Right back at ya, Bonebag. At least I still have a positive Body Mass Index.

**Paige**: Peo**ple**?

**Phoebe**: Not now, _we're_ exchanging pleasantries.

**Paige**: But why **are** we still dan**cing**?

**Teshik**: Good point. Each of you has now established her Issue Of The Week.

**Phoebe**: Maybe the conga line thinks you're also part of the main cast. So you have to present your issues, too.

**Teshik**: Whaddaya mean, "the conga line thinks"? It's a freakin' _conga line_. Plus, even its creator hasn't mastered the art of conscious thought yet.

**Bifi**: Hmm. Maybe if I introdussssed ssssome unicornssss. Everyone likessss unicornssss…

**Teshik**: I rest my case.

**Phoebe**: Still, _we're_ continuing to dance. So…anything you have a problem with? Writer's block? Some loose plot ends you forgot to wrap up?

**Teshik**: What do you mean, loose plot ends? I have never…

_The group congas into the hall closet. Yes, the whole bunch. Just go with it. As they exit, a skinny teen in a delivery uniform is placed between Piper and the Dance Disruptor Demon. _

**Marty the Pizza Delivery Guy**: Shank God shomeone releashed me! I wash already eating the closhet lint!

**Paige**: You **were** say**ing**?

**Teshik**: Oops. Okay, maybe one or two little plot threads left hanging. And maybe it's taking me far too long to post additional chapters. There, issue established. Why don't we stop?

**Phoebe**: Well, there are still those other people in the line…

**Paige**: Oh for cry**ing** out **loud**! I got**ta** PEE! Fine! **Ex**posi**tion** yourself, peo**ple**! And step **on** it!

**Angel of Destiny**: Um, okay. I just found a stash of pot in my eldest daughters' room. And I'm quite sure I'm losing my job after this year.

**Henry**: I fear I am either losing my sanity or have a very bad case of food poisoning right now, since I'm still not waking up.

**Dance Disruptor Demon**: I am a Dance Disrupting Demon, trapped dancing with the freakin' Charmed Ones. And I think I might incinerate if this keeps up any longer.

**Marty**: I wash gone for sho long now, I have probably losht my job, and my mom shaid she'd burn my pee-shee if I won't contribute to the rent now.

**Tenderheart Bear**: I'm afraid we're way less cool now than we were in the eighties.

**Love-A-Lot Bear**: I'm afwaid Gwumpy Bear will never return my twue feewings.

**Grumpy Bear**: And I'm afraid the pink love tramp will never get I'm not into her.

**Teshik**: When the fuck did the _Glücksbärchis_ appear?

**Phoebe**: They're called _Care Bears_ over here.

**Paige**: Whate**ver**! Still dan**cing**, me still **not **in the bath**room**!

**Bifi**: Don't get sssso nervoussss. I'm Bifi, I'll figure it out ssssoon. (_pauses_) You now what helpssss me when I'm anxioussss? I have a very nisssse posssster of the Niagara Fallssss in my dorm I can look at. It'ssss not here, but jusssst imagine the incredible amountssss of water pouring down…

**Paige**: (_groans_) Please. **Shut.** Up.

**Teshik**: It's amazing. How does she always know the wrong things to say?

**Bifi**: Oh, that's probably gynekicks.

**Phoebe**: Bifi, that's called…

**Teshik**: Don't bother. I've already tried. _Lord_ knows I've tried.

**Bifi**: Well, you'll get to ssssee it yourselfssss firssssthand anyway today, conssssidering my parentssss coming here and all.

_Everyone is silent for a moment. Well, except for Piper, of course. _

**Teshik**: …you. this. I ... **_GOD!_** … Would the person behind Bifi in line please kick her really hard?

**Love-A-Lot**: Awww. Teshik is _gwumpy_. I'd say we give him all a Biiiig Huuug!

**Teshik**: And I'd say I'll gift my sister with a biiiig, pink, _furry_ pillow for Christmas.

**Love-A-Lot**: (_gulps_) Step on the back of her ankles, Tenderheart! As hard as you can!

**Paige**: No foo**ling** around **any**more! Bi**fi** will ex**po**sitioning her god**damn** fa**mi**ly is**sues** RIGHT **NOW **or this con**ga** line will get VE**RY** UNPLEA**SANT**!

**Bifi**: Alright, alright. Erm. My parentssss are the worsssst human beingssss who ever walked on thissss planet. And I will die insssstantly of sssshame when they arrive.

**Phoebe**: Oh, come on, they can't be THAT bad.

**Teshik**: Phoebe, the only reason you're not wary of parental visits is the fact yours weren't around when you were a teen.

**Marty**: He hash a point, Mish Shuper-Shlut. You know, shere wash shish one time when my mosher…

**Teshik**: Shut up Marty.

**Marty**: Yesh Shir.

**Bifi**: Egggzactly. Eggzept that my parentssss are way worsssse than any of yours. My father is a narrow-minded religious nut, my mother doesn't even understand the rough concept of "beautiful", and furthermore, they haven't talked about my ssssisssster in yearssss. Even though it wassss raining outsssside that day!

**Paige**: Just a **ques**tion: Your **pa**rents, are **they** the mid-**west**ern-chris**ti**an **far**mer type?

**Teshik**: And additionally, is your mother in serious need of make-up? And does she have a very ugly flower-pattern dress?

**Bifi**: Yeah. Why?

**Paige**: In that **case**, they've been **stan**ding in the **Man**or en**tran**ce, hea**ring **every **word **you said the **past **few minu**tes**.

**Bifi**: WHAT!

_She stumbles, getting the whole conga line to kiss the floor, pope-style, in a nicely executed domino effect, and transforming it into the Exposition Human Body Heap. There is much cursing and screaming of "Ow, my insert body part!" as the heap disentangles. _

**Piper**: SHIT! Mortals! Do something!

_Bifi runs up to her parents. _

**Bifi**: Hi guys! Wanna play Peekaboo? _Peekaboo_! (_puts her hands onto her parents eyes_)

**Pa Retard**: Bifi, what…

_The rest of the bunch uses this time to cover up. Paige grabs Henry and teleports out. The Angel of Destiny does likewise with the Doltsicle. Piper blows up the Disruptor Demon, then gets her Hoover to vacuum his ashes. Phoebe and Teshik grab the Glücksbär…er, Care Bears and throw them into the closet. A massively protesting pizza delivery boy gets knocked unconscious and pushed in afterwards. _

**Pa Retard**: (_pushing away his daughters hand_) What in the name of The Lord is going on in this house?

**Piper**: If you mean the…err…spontaneous combustion of this…random guy, we're as shocked as you. Really.

**Pa Retard**: Not that. Bifi Retarda Consuela Ephraimsdaughter Roll, have you been engaging in imprudent…(_shudders_) dancing acts with these unsaved individuums?

**Bifi**: Errr…No Ssssir?

**Piper**: Ephraimsdaughter?

**Teshik**: _Retarda_?

**Phoebe**: **_Consuela_**?

_If you're good of hearing, you may hear the faint sound of a person orbing into another room now. _

**Pa Retard**: I cannot believe this. My daughter, frolicking around in such sinful establishments?

**Bifi: **_Dad_! This is not a "sinful establishment".

**From upstairs**: Haa**aaaahhh**hhhhh! **Oh** God **Damn** Fucking **FIIII**NALLY!

**Bifi**: That…wassss not what you probably think.

**Pa Retard**: Sure it wasn't.

**Ma Retard**: And excuse hmy sore hlanguage, but: hwhat the _heck_ are you hwearing dear? Didn't I knit hyou the hcustest Burka from hSheep Dolly's hfinest wool hfor Christmas?

**Teshik**: So _that's_ why she keeps mutilating my grandma's shower curtains for tops.

**Phoebe**: Shh! This is good. Anyone got popcorn?

**Paige**: (_dashing in from the kitchen with a bowl of the aforementioned snack food_) **Did** I **miss** much?

**Teshik**: Damn, you're fast.

**Piper**: Bifi has a hand-knitted Burka.

**Paige**: Ooh. **So** _that's_ why **she** keeps **rum**maging around the **Good**will clo**thes**.

**Phoebe**: Shh, People!

**Pa Retard**: Well, we will discuss this in the car, we have to go. After all, we've been invited by your friends, not into a brothel.

**Bifi**: _Dad_!

**Pa Retard**: What? You don't suppose we believe you have chosen to consider these…_heathens_ as your friends you stay with?

_He points over to Teshik and the Ps. They are huddled around Paige, munching popcorn and enjoying the spectacle. When addressed, they all throw out big fake grins at family Retard. Piper rolls with her eyes, and walks over to them, since her hard-coded perfect-housewife-mode takes over. _

**Piper**: aHEM. I assume you are Bifi's parents, right? My name is Piper, this is Teshik, and those two are my sisters Paige, and Phoebe. (_points to them_). We're pleased to meet you.

**Ma Retard**: I'm Ma hRetard. Pleased to hmeet you.

**Pa Retard**: Hrmpf.

**Piper**: And don't you worry about our religious values. In fact, we're quite born-again…y… ourselves.

**Phoebe:**_(to Piper_) _We_ are?

**Piper:** (_to Phoebe_) We are now.

---

_That evening. The giant dead animal Piper cooked in the three seconds of scene transition and garnished with cheese strings or something (the hell?) is still quite untouched. But since we see everyone got food on their tables regardless, I guess Piper made the extra turkey just for decoration purposes. I wouldn't put it past her._

_By the way, Paige's, Bifi's, and Teshik's glasses are filled with coke, not wine. Because, while I appreciate the fact they actually remembered the fact that Paige's a recovering alcoholic and gave her water(exactly ONE shred of continuity. In the whole episode. Impressive), I also know about a minimum drinking age in the United States, and therefore, Bifi's not allowed, and I don't see a "religious" or "health" reason for her retarded ultraconservative parents to consent her daughter to indulge. So Nyah, got ya again, Brad._

_In any event, the overall fun level at the dinner table is reaching "dentist appointment with root canal treatment" right now. Paige looks at her watch, and uses her chance. _

**Paige**: **Oh** my. I have **to** go peo**ple**, I am missing **my** date with my paro**le** of**fi**cer.

**Piper**: No, Paige, don't leave…

**Paige**: Bye (_escapes_)

**Pa****Retard**: Parole Officer?

**Bifi**: It's not what you think.

**Phoebe**: Oh, look at the time, _I_..

**Teshik**: (_elbows her_) You mean_, we two_…

**Phoebe**: Right, _we_ two, have a very, err, important appointment…

**Piper**: No way! You two stay here. End of discussion!

**Teshik**: But we wanna go and meet our parole officers, too!

**Pa****Retard**: What?

**Bifi**: (_already ticked_) They're joking, Dad. You know what a joke issss, right?

**Pa****Retard**: Tss. You know the Lord forbids frivolities and having fun in the Bible.

**Bifi**: (_along with all believing Christians who don't have enormous umbrellas stuck up their asses_) No, DAD. The Bible doesn't outlaw having ssssimple harmlessssssss fun.

**Piper**: I think it's time to change topic away from the dangerous religious topic and towards safer territory. Phoebe, talk about your column!

**Phoebe**: Oh, it's not a very interesting to…OW! (_glares at Piper_), I mean, it is a very interesting topic. Elise told me _my_ column got syndicated a few month ago. You should be able to read them in all over the country by now.

**Ma Retard**: Oh, hyes! Our hnewspaper has your column in it, htoo. I even hwrote you once.

**Phoebe**: Really? Which one were you? No, let me guess. _Trouble in the Bible-Belt Paradise_? No? Hm…_My Scary Non-Saved Neighbours_? Still no? Err…_Impotence in Iowa_?

**Ma Retard**: Y…

**Pa Retard**: We NEVER have EVER read that heathen column. END OF STORY.

_Ma Retard looks chastised, Bifi looks she's about to vomit, and Teshik and Phoebe are simply grinning broadly. _

**Pa Retard**: (_addresses Piper_)Well, Misses Halliwell, let's get down to business. You obviously invited us here because you want our blessing to the relationship between your son and my daughter.

**Piper**: Wyatt? Huh? I don't know how to say this, but…outside of certain Christian sects, paedophilia is still illegal.

**Ma Retard**: HWyatt?

**Pa Retard**: So, Wyatt is your real life name then, Mr. "Teshik"?

_Jaws. Floor. HARD._

**Piper**: (_twitching_) Did…that…_PERSON_…just suggest…that I look old enough…to be Teshik's **_MOM_**?

_Piper's "son" suffers a little quieter. He's simply frozen in place, slowly turning red, since he also seemed to have stopped breathing out of shock. Or maybe to embrace the merciful death of oxygen deprivation. You decide. _

**Phoebe**: Oh Shit! They're going to detonate! They gonna kill _us_ all! Do something, Retard!

**Bifi**: Eh…Errr…(_turns to her parents_) I need to sssspeak with you about my Ssssisssster right now!

_The sound you hear now is the sound of four different trains of thought, derailing and plummeting into their respective fiery dooms. Ma Retard takes it especially bad, rising from her chair, clutching her non-existent pearls in horrible overacting. _

**Ma Retard**: _HWhat_?

**Pa Retard**: We don't discuss those matters in front of strangers, Bifi.

**Piper**: Strangers? Five seconds ago, you wanted me to become her mother-in-law!

_Remember that /fifth/ train of thought that /didn't/ derail? Teshik takes this moment to keel over and land on the floor with a satisfying -bonk-. His face is blue by now._

**Bifi: **How come that a month after the night it wassss raining outsssside, you two went back to your pretty little livessss like nothing ever happened. Didn't mean Bully anything to you?

**Ma Retard: **No-ho-hoo! -_clutches pearls_-

**Pa Retard: **What do you know? You were five!

**Bifi**: But I'm not five anymore! You're doing nothing to find her!

_Meanwhile, Phoebe walks over to the suiciding author. _

**Phoebe**: Teshik, if you don't start breathing right now_, I_ may be forced to administer CPR on you.

_It hisses as Teshik's face color begins to normalize. _

**Teshik**: (_opens eyes_) -_gasp_- You just _want_ to -_gasp_- kill me, right? -_gasp_-

**Phoebe**: No, just fighting fire with fire. (_helps him up again_.)

**Bifi**: You jusht don't care about my feelings! And you don't care that my ssssisssster wasss taken fiffffteen yearssss ago!

**Ma Retard**: That's hnot _true_! -_rampant pearl-clutching_-

**Pa Retard**: I knew it was a mistake coming here (_slams his hankie down on the table_)

**Bifi**: No. (_quivers with her lip and about seven of her chins_) The misssstake wassss me thinking you guyssss knew that thissss hurtssss me, too.

**Ma Retard**: Why hdo -_pearl_- you always -_clutch, clutch_- hdo this hto us?

**Pa Retard**: Because she doesn't care about us, that's why!

**Bifi**: Oh yeah? You guyssss are…COLD HEARTED _ASSSSSSSSSASSSSSSSSINSSSS !_

_Then, like, suddenly, stuff happened. There is a whooshing sound._

**Teshik**: (_resting his face in his palm, eyes closed_) _PLEASE_ tell me she didn't.

**Phoebe**: _I_ would do so, but that'd be a lie.

**Teshik**: Tell me anyway.

_But it's no use. Bifi's stupid-ass new power that will either be used as a cheap writer's block release, or questioning the Retard even more because she won't use it to solve the daily issues in the rest of the season, has morphed her ultra-conservative farmer parents into ultra-cold-hearted assassin parents. And there's a very easy joke in that sentence I'm trying to avoid. Oh well. At least Ma Retard is wearing make-up now. Their first order of business? Whipping out a titanium knife, lashing past Bifi and killing a fly with it in the doorframe. _

**Teshik**: Damn. She missed.

**Ranger**: Nice shot, Babe.

**Pepper Ami**: Thanks, hon.

**Piper**: Hey, where did her What-the-fuck-accent go?

**Teshik**: I got sick of typing it out. Deal with it.

_The two Ass-ass-ins then proceed to saliva into each others mouths. _

**Piper**: Oh boy.

**Phoebe**: Oh, this is just…ick.

**Teshik**: Says the woman who subjected me to her cleavage, her cooter fairy, and massive amounts of _on-screen_ desk sex the past three years.

**Phoebe**: Yes, but that was All. About. _Me_. This? Is _Parent_ Sex. It's like Piper and Leo getting it on.

**Piper**: Hey!

**Teshik**: Oh thanks for opening _those_ two black abysses in my mind I'd rather forget.

**Piper**: HEY!

**Bifi**: Mom? Daaad?

**Pepper Ami**: Who is this…thing?

**Bifi**: Oh No! They don't remember who I am?

**Teshik**: So that's why they're so happy all of a sudden. I'd jump at that chance, too.

**Piper**: Let's cut through the crap. You'll check the books. I'll stay here and keep an eye on them. (_pause_) While trying to block out the face-sucking. Blech.

---

_P3. Glad to see the set is getting last appearances before being dismantled. And my, what an important scene it is: Paige is waiting for Henry, and the actor portraying the P3 bartender we never saw before and will never again, receives his SAG card. Hooray. In any event, Paige, annoyed, plops her ass down at the bar, when her cell phone rings. The screen splits to accommodate both Paige and Teshik. Both begin talking simultaneously. _

**Teshik**: Hey, Bifi's stupid-ass new power **... ... ... ... ... ... Paige**: Honey, **you **know I love **you**, but if

turned her parents into assholes or something ... ... ... ... ... . you **can't **arrive **on **time for once, all

thing. Could you get home for witch duty? ... ... ... ... ... ... ...noo**kie **privi**leg**es are **he**reby revok**ed.**

…_What_? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... **…**_What_?

_There is a little pause as both conversation participants are busy reprogramming their faces._

**Teshik**:…I thought we were way past the "Honey" phase?

**Paige**: Oh **shut **up. I was ex**pect**ing **Hen**ry.

**Teshik**: I thought your date begins at nine?

**Paige**: So **did** I.

**Teshik**: Oh. Well, at least now we don't have to yank you away from your slampieces liplock.

**Paige**: He's **not **just a slam**piece**, he's my boy**friend**!

**Teshik**: Does he know that?

**Paige**: Errr… What **did **you say **a**bout Bifi's pa**rents**?

**Teshik**: Smooth. Not. Anyway, the Retard has rewritten her parents into assassins. And since a very stupid large sister of yours let them escape…

**Piper**: _(in the background_) I can still hear you, you know?

**Teshik**: Oh. Sorry. (_raises voice, addressing the attic in general_) Since your **_really stupid sister Piper_** let them get away **_because she's a moron_**…

**Piper**: Don't provoke the Mighty Hands, twerp.

**Teshik**: Oh, **now** you remember you have magical powers?

**Paige**: Hel**loooo**?

**Teshik**: Whatever. We need you to come home.

**Paige**: To **do **what **ex**actly?

**Teshik**: Honestly, I have no idea, since you're not quite our expert on assassins. I think the Shrew just wanted to spoil any fun you might have. (_into the room_) Hey, Piper! Paige isn't even having any fun at her date. Still want her around?

**Piper**: Hmmm…

**Paige**: Is she ho**nest**ly thinking a**bout **that? I thought **it **was a jo**ke**!

**Teshik**: Me too.

**Piper**: Tell her to come, we need an orber.

**Teshik**: She says we need your ass to transport us in and out of trouble.

**Paige**: Fine. I **send** my po**wers** over. Can I **come** too?

**Teshik**: Oh, come on. You know Piper never wanted to be your sister for your sparkling personality.

**Paige**: Sad, **but** true. I'll **be** there **in** a sec.

---

Now, Theoretically, there would be a scene in this place I originally planned to do, but you now what? Fuck that. I wanna publish this before I turn sixty. The only notable parts about that shit were:

-Piper's repeated abandoning the children issues (she never seems to have when she's dropping the kids off with Daddy Dearest or the Day Care Centre of the Damned)

-Phoebe trying to sell to the Retard that it's not her fault, even though that's totally a lie

-Bifi exchanging her outfit for yet another Shower Curtain Gone Wild creation. Dear Costume department: the only person where a shower curtain was a fitting costume was Ambassador Kosh of Babylon 5. And this only because he literally had a toilet seat for a neck.

-I was kept getting mightily distracted during the Paige-Henry-issue scene, because Rose McGowan's grey top is having an effect on me the catsuits of Voyager's Seven of Nine somehow never had. If the rest of her wouldn't twitch like a Tourette victim with clown make-up, I'd totally do her right now. What? Let me be a normal human male just this once, okay?

---

_That random business tower where somewhere, a big-ass press conference is being held. And while they have a big honkin' metal detector, presumably for security purposes, they also let in the Manor Morons and A Woman Dressed In Shower Curtains without even asking them for press passes, or the reason they're here. This fucking show. Anyway, our intrepid heroes patiently wait for the time a member of their own sex is going to grab their groins in a way that's considered a severe statutory offense in most civilized countries. Ain't livin' in post-nine-eleven America grand?_

**Bifi**: So, how do we get them out of here?

**Piper**: We wait.

**Teshik**: Why do we WAIT? This is ridiculous! You could just…

**Piper**: Hold that thought. I'm back in two minutes (_hurries off to the little girls room_).

**Bifi**: Don't worry, Piper knows what she's doing. Especially this week

**Teshik**: Dear God: Please smite her for stupidity. Kisses, Teshik.

_At that moment, a woman who looks suspiciously like Piper carrying horn-rimmed glasses and differently combed hair, turns around the corner. She is carrying a baseball bat. _

**PippaX**: Take that, Chantelle, you fucking Bitch! (_Clonks Bifi right into the middle of her face. Repeatedly. Bifi goes down. Pippa gives her one final kick into the stomach, hard, just for shits and giggles, and leaves._)

**Paige**: Well, **that **was cer**tain**ly ran**dom**.

**Teshik**: But sooo refreshing. Thank you, Lord!

**Paige**: How do **you **think _she_ **got **past that se**cur**ity check?

**Teshik**: Looks like Piper, looks pissed like Piper, carries baseball bat. Riddle solved. (_pause_) But did you get the "Chantelle" reference?

_Bifi silently bleeds. She is ignored. _

**Piper**: (_hurries back to the rest of the group_) Okay, now to find…(_looks down at Bifi_) **_Teshik_**!

**Teshik**: It wasn't me this time!

**Piper**: I don't know how you little weasel circumvented the no-retard-killing spell _this_ time, but…

**Teshik**: Hello? I said it _wasn't_ me!

**Piper**: Bah. Like I'd believe you just because you put up your indignity face.

**Teshik**: Piper, a quick question: Who lobotomized you for this evenings festivities?

**Piper**: You know what? If you _asshole_ wouldn't spend the whole time bitching about us doing shit wrong we'd be done in no time!

**Paige**: You two, **we** need you! The **Roll's** are go**ing** to…

**Teshik**: And if _you_ would combine your _**two remaining brain cells**_for just one FREAKING SECOND, you'd easily remember to just use your FUCKING GODDAMN FREEZING POWER to stop Bifi's parents! Just FREE... -_Fwooomp_-

_Teshik freezes mid-rant, grimacing, red-headed, with his arms raised in a waving motion towards Piper. _

**Paige**: **Oh** my **good**ness! That **was** right **on** time!

**Piper**: Yeah, I couldn't stand it any more either.

**Paige**: But **how** did you **know** he would shoot **in** this pre**ci**se **mo**ment?

**Piper**: Oh, he…shoot? Whuh?

_She turns towards Paige, who is standing on the stage next to Executive Deadmeat. A bullet is_

_only inches away from his face._

**Piper**: (_silently_) Whoops. Note to self: Be more aware of surroundings. (_out loud_) Get the bullet away from him, Paige!

**Paige**: O**kay**.

_She bats at the bullet with her bare hand. The moron._

**Paige**: Ouch! Hot! Hot!

_Reaction shot of Teshik. He's still frozen, but surely angry at the P's collective IQ at the moment._

**Mary Poppins Demon**: That won't help you, witches. He's still going to die, and there's nothing you can do.

**Piper**: Says who?

**Mary Poppins Demon: **Even if you vanquish me standing here all vulnerable, it won't bring back Mommy and Daddy.

**Piper**: And I will not even try to vanquish you, even though I would ultimately lay waste to all your plans of world domination.

**Mary Poppins Demon:** Corporate America Domination.

**Piper**: Sorry.

**Paige**: A**ren't** you going **to** blow her **up**?

**Piper**: No. She has to spill her nefarious plan of World…err, Corporate America Domination first. Vanquishing her first would be just _rude_.

**Mary Poppins Demon:** Glad to see someone still holds up the honoured rules of Heroism and Villainy.

**Piper**: Yes, it's hard, but I try my best.

**Mary Poppins Demon:** It's a problem of today's rotten youth, I tell you.

**Piper**: I agree.

**Paige**: People? Aren't we supposed to be on opposite sides?

_Teshik shakes out of his freeze. _

**Teshik**: …ZE THEM all…oh. (_turns around_) Hi. Who's this?

**Piper**: She's our enemy.

**Teshik**: Okay. And why aren't we vanquishing the enemy?

**Piper**: Because it would be rude.

_He looks over to Paige, who shrugs, as confused as him. _

**Mary Poppins Demon:** Now, I am sorry since I would really continue our little chat, but alas, my schedule is full.

**Piper**: We perfectly understand.

**Mary Poppins Demon:** Good. Now if you'll excuse me, my human champion will now kill Executive Deadmeat.

**Piper**: Human champion? (_realization dawns on her face_) But we can't vanquish…

_Too late. Mason Capwell, who was biding his time, rises from his chair, shoots, and kills. The whole room unfreezes, panic ensues. And this scene would have made a lot more impact or sense if the writers hadn't tried to mix "campy" with "dark". Just my two cents. _

---

_The Manor door slams. _

**Phoebe**: Welcome back. (_looks in their faces_) What happened?

**Bifi**: Oh, nothing. My parentssss jusssst tried to _kill_ ssssomeone.

**Teshik**: Which was to be expected, since some dumb-ass capital RETARD morphed them into "aaaeeetttthhhaaeettthhhhhoooohhhnsssss" just a few _hours_ ago. GOD, you're dumb!

**Phoebe**: Tell _me _anything _I_ don't know.

**Bifi**: Hey!

**Teshik**: At least we know now that, while your parents are assassins, they still have their original personality underneath.

**Bifi**: Why do you think that?

**Teshik**: They went to a press conference, full of cameras, and shot the guy, right in sight of about everyone on this FUCKING PLANET, and didn't even bother to disguise themselves. No one in the History of Forever ever did this without killing themselves in the next step. Or, in your parents case, being dumber than bread boxes.

**Piper**: Well, they got past that metal detector somehow…

**Teshik**: The demonette probably provided them with that equipment. Hell, considering these are the Retards parents, it wouldn't surprise me they are out in the public right now, in the costumes they wore at the press conference, loudly yapping about their next killing subject, while everybody and their grandma is out looking for two deranged killers matching that description.

**Paige**: Oh **come** on. No one **can** be THAT stu**pid**.

**Teshik**: Yeah. You're probably right.

---

_That evening, solarium. _

**Piper**: Let's get this over with.

**Paige**: You do **that**. In the **mean**time, I'll go up**stairs** for some ran**dom** thing or **o**ther.

**Teshik**: Wouldn't it be wiser if…ah screw it. Just remember to freeze them when they appear, all right?

**Piper**: Of course. How stupid do you think I am?

**Teshik**: Don't ask me this episode. Just _don't_.

_Spell. Two Swirling Clouds Of Glowing Golf Balls appear, spewing out the two love-birds-gone-suicidal. The Ass'es blink, and then immediately direct their weapons onto the Manor Morons. _

**Pepper Ami**: Move, and you're dead.

_Piper doesn't freeze them, but simply chooses to lower her arms. _

**Teshik**: Okay, THAT DOES IT.

_Powers of the witches rise, _

_Course unseen across the skies,_

_Come to me who calls you near, _

_Come to me and settle here._

_Twinkling white sparks emerge from Piper, Bifi and Phoebe to float towards, and then into Teshik. A fourth, presumably from Paige, arrives from upstairs. He inhales slowly. _

**Teshik**: Bring it.

_The Ass'es train their guns on him, but before they can shoot, Teshik starts to levitate towards them, and wallops Ranger right in his face. He lands on the other side, and with another Karate-kick, hits Pepper Ami in the stomach, who loses her gun. As his shoe makes contact with the ex-womb of the Retard (ew), he is flung into a premonition of Pepper Ami, surprising an unsuspecting Paige descending the Manor stairway with a hail of deadly Shuriken. _

_He snaps out of it in the moment Ranger recovers and aims at him again. He won't hit him though, since Teshik chooses to orb out. He reappears in front of the stairway. Paige arrives from the landing. _

**Paige**: Teshik, **what** the hell **ha**ve…

**Teshik**: _Paige_!

_A surprised half-whitelighter dematerializes and finds herself outside at the Manor front porch. The hail of deadly Shuriken impacts harmlessly on the stair steps. _

**Teshik**: _Gun_!

_He orbs Ranger's goddamn fucking gun away. (But somehow, it's not nearly as satisfactory as I thought it would be. Oh well.)._

**Teshik**: _Crystals_!

_Five Magical Crystals appear, four of them surround Ranger, the fifth is a little out of place. _

_Teshik waves his arm, and with a -zween- sound effect of regular telekinesis, the crystal pentagram is closed, encaging Ranger. _

_Pepper Ami isn't out of shuriken yet(only God knows where she keeps them, and only the Devil /wants/ to know), and dispatches the next set of them towards the Author. He evades by diving down, Matrix-y style. He grimaces a little, swallowing his pride, and then proceeds to execute a Bifi Roll (double meaning unintentional. Hee.) to evade her further. _

_Pepper Ami uses the won time by kicking the cage crystals out of formation, freeing Ranger. He whips out his spare gun (not THAT one, you perverts.), shooting at Teshik. _

_Who simply freezes the bullet with a flick of his wrist, then uses his Mighty Hands of Discontent to dispose of both the bullet and Pepper's trusted Titanium knife. Afterwards, he freezes both of them. Simply as that. He turns to the P's and Bifi. _

**Teshik**: Now, I will unfreeze their heads only in a few seconds so Bifi can reconcile with her fellow Retards. But first: If you ever - EVER AGAIN - INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE LIKE THAT, I will _mutilate_ each and everyone of you with _mallets_. All of you would have had the individual power to overwhelm the two, and this includes Miss Negligible over here (_points to Phoebe_). And yet, _you_ (_points at Piper_) have the incredible _gall_ to freeze a fucking _bullet_ in one scene, but TWICE in the same EPISODE, you claim these two _humans_ were too fast for you. Jesus Hentai Motherfucking Christ, what the Hell is WRONG with you? No, don't answer that, I'd probably blow you up. If you'll excuse me, I will go and eat two tons of chocolate ice cream, while silently weeping I'm still a fan for this show. (_pauses, calms down a little_) And try to get something for my back. Matrix-y dives are fun in theory, but slipped discs in practice. Oh, and: (_addresses someone outside the monitor_) Mr Bob Wright? I found out where you live. Your anthrax letter will be in your mailbox within a week, give or take a day. Brad, Jeanine, the same goes for your usual letter bombs. Bye!

---

_Bifi's ridiculously large dorm room. Ma Retard enters. _

**Bifi**: Hi. Where did you left Dad?

**Ma Retard**: I hleft him back at the hManor. He's currently htrying to convert hyour friend hTeshik to The Way.

**Bifi**: Oh boy. I'll better get my helmet.

**Ma Retard**: Don't hyou worry about him anymore. hYour Dad is an incredibly hpersistent man when it's hgetting people hbecoming Reborn.

**Bifi**: … And the Ssssecond Chance vesssst.

**Ma Retard**: But hBifi. He is your Pa hRetard, he can hdo anything!

**Bifi**: Wait a ssssecond. How did I wound up the ssssane and ssssmart one in thissss converssssation?

**Ma Retard**: Beats hme. I hcertainly didn't hraise you to hthink, hon.

**Bifi**: Aw, of _coursssse_ you didn't, Mom. (_they hug_)

**Ma Retard**: Oh, by the hway, my only hpurpose here is to hdrop some random hplot device. Here. (_takes a little book out of her handbag_)

**Bifi**: What'ssss thissss?

**Ma Retard**: This is hBully's diary. We hnever found out hwhat the last entry hmeant.

_Bifi and her Mom stare at the Heartagram, which a normal eight-year-old never would be able to draw anyway. I'd have them point out the various inconsistencies, but this IS the Family Retard we're talking about. So, we're not only ending this steaming pile of shit with a lame cliffhanger DUN, but with a lame and /stupid/ cliffhanger DUN. _

_And I will now officially christen this Charmed episode the worst steaming pile of shit Brad Kern et al. ever pulled out of their collective asses. The end. Thankfully._


	14. Extra: Cheapass XMas interlude

**Extra: Cheap-ass Christmas Interlude**

---

_We open up at the front porch of the Manor. Piper, Phoebe, Bifi, Wyatt, Yours Truly, and a Certain Huge Chunk Of Ice With Dolt Filling are present. Phoebe and Teshik are opening a big box with humongous Christmas light chains in it. Piper watches scornfully, with her checklist at hand. _

**Piper**: Step One: Complete. Continue with Step Two: Gape at the mess the husband left the lights last January. (_She gapes, checks a box on her list_). Leo! How could you leave them this entangled! This is awful! We might need hours to fix this! (_checks another box on her list_)

**Leo**: -_FROZEN_-

**Teshik**: (_quiet, to Phoebe_) Are we to acknowledge the fact Leo's a statue, or is this part of her medication-deprived hallucinations we'd better not disturb?

**Phoebe**: (_to Teshik_) _I_ have no idea. And Dr. Loewenstein isn't answering _my_ phone calls.

**Teshik**: Great. We're doomed. Why didn't you warn me before I came here?

**Phoebe**: Because _I_ wanted to see you suffer just as _I_ have to?

**Teshik**: Good Point. Who knew Leo's absence would let her go nuts so fast? She should really used to it, by now.

**Phoebe**: I think the reason Piper's so ticked is that Paige somehow disappeared, too.

**Teshik**: Oh. Actually, _her_ absence is kind of my Hanukkah present to her.

**Bifi**: Really? What did you do?

_-FLASH-_

_First Night of Hanukkah. Paige lights the candle in her window and discovers a note with something scribbled on it. Paige unfolds it and reads: _

_Paige? If you…_

**Paige**: T**he** hell? What**'s** that sup**pos**ed to **mean**?

_Night Two. Another note at her Chanukkia. _

…_wanna get away…_

_Night Three._

…_from your sister…_

_Night Four._

…_the Christmas Ass…_

_Night Five._

…_on December 25th,…_

_Night Six._

…_just remember…_

_Night Seven._

…_that you can…_

_Night Eight. _

…_fucking ORB, ya dim bitch. _

_Now beat it already._

_-FLASH-_

**Bifi**: At least that'ssss one mysssstery ssssolved.

**Piper**: Hey! Don't just stand there! Get the knots out of the light chains already! (_turns to the chunk'o'ice_) You too, Leo.

_They start disentangling the cables. _

**Teshik**: And I take the fact all these christmas lights are identical just add to the „fun", right?

**Piper**: Shush. Criticism of my script is not allowed before we check point 13.

**Teshik**: Is this just me, or is this getting an awful lot repepepetitititive?

**Phoebe**: Is it just _me_, or is this a result of you not getting off your fat ass and writing this crappy interlude in the very last minute?

**Teshik**: Uhhh…_Remarkable_ idea with those lights, Piper! It's _hilarious_!

**Piper**: Wyatt, why don't you ask your father if he will start a Christmas Carol with us?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_- (_turns to Phoebe and Teshik_) -_STARES_?-

**Teshik**: Oh, just go with it. Mommy's having an episode again.

_The little menace -STARES- a shrug, then walks over to the Chunk of Ice…err, I mean his loving Daddy. _

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Leo**: -_FROZEN_-

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Leo**: -_FROZEN_-

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Leo**: -_FROZEN_-

**Teshik**: Okay, this is getting too non-verbal over here.

**Phoebe**: I think the Psycho's winning.

**Teshik**: If the frozen Dolt bursts into song now, I am soo leaving.

**Phoebe**: You and me both.

**Piper**: Well, someone _will_ burst into song, _right now_, or I'll get very pissed!

**Teshik**: Ooh, someone's not careful enough what she's wishing for here. Girls?

**Phoebe**: I'm in!

**Bifi**: Me too!

**Teshik**: Fine. Piper, all you ever wanted, in the worst possible way, coming right up.

_He snaps his fingers. _

**Background Music: Perry Como - Frosty, the Snowman**

_**Teshik**: Dolty the Snowman  
was a good, retarded soul  
With a chimpy's face and a 'tatoes nose  
**Phoebe**: Yeah, he ain't exactly Cole_

_**Bifi**: Dolty the Ssssnowman  
issss a fairytale I ssssay  
cuz' for all I care  
only Chrissssty's there  
and I'll resssscue her ssssomeday._

_**Piper**: There must exist some magic  
In that old Book Phoebe found  
Once he's thawed I'll have my normal life  
And begin to dance around!_

_**Teshik**: Dolty the Snowman  
Frozen one too many times,  
During pleasure time,  
That oughta be a crime,  
err…I need some shit that rhymes._

**Piper**: (_not singing)_  
This is your last warning! Surrender your singing and apologise before I get violent!

_**Bifi, Phoebe and Teshik**:  
Piper, neurotic she can be  
see her fuming along!  
Off she goes on a murdering spree  
During happy song!_

_(the three bail. Piper grabs a baseball bat with a nail in it and follows in hot pursuit.)_

_**Bifi, Phoebe and Teshik:**  
Piper, Madwoman,  
didn't take her meds today  
So we say let's run  
From Mrs No-no-fun  
Now, before she blasts away!_

_Downtown in Frisco  
With a batstick in her hands  
Running here and there all around the square  
Come on, catch us if you can!_

_(Wyatt confirms no one is watching him. He ahems, and begins to sing, in a deep bass voice)_

_**Wyatt**:_

_She chased them down the streets of town  
Right to the traffic cop_

_**Darryl**: -__Fweet-_

_And they never paused a moment when  
They heard her holler_

**Piper**: Stop! -_Fwoomp_-

_(Phoebe and Teshik continue to run, but Bifi, lagging behind, freezes)_

_**Wyatt**: Phoebe and Teshik  
had to hurry on their way_

_**Phoebe and Teshik**: cuz we fear her wrath  
worse than Alcatraz  
better you than us today!_

_  
(Piper begins beating Bifi into a bloody pulp)_

_-Thumpety thump thump-  
-Thumpety thump thump-  
_**Phoebe and Teshik**: Look at Piper go  
_-Thumpety thump thump-  
-Thumpety thump thump-  
_**Phoebe and Teshik**: Coloring the hills of snow!

---

_Phoebe and Teshik run a little further, confirm they're not followed anymore, and stop behind a corner. _

**Phoebe**: So, Bifi's dead. I guess _-huff-_ Santa's being nice to you this year. _-huff-_

**Teshik**: Meh. _-huff- _She'll resurrect. After all, that's what _-huff- _you've been doing every time I killed you.

**Phoebe**: True. (_pause_) What are we gonna do while Piper's clobbering the Retard's body into mush?

**Teshik**: Hm…Christmas at Starbuck's?

**Phoebe**: I'd love to.

**Teshik**: Good, because you are going to do the paying part.

**Phoebe**: You're an ass.

**Teshik**: Only the best for you, darling.

_They walk off. _

_---_

_Cut to Downtown Minneapolis. Oh wait. I mean: Hell. Those two are so easy to confuse. Anyway, a certain damned soul with a sideways mouth and maggot chin materializes. She is greeted by a big, looming figure, its hood masking its face entirely. _

**Voice**:_ GREETINGS, PUNY MORTAL!_

**Bifi**: Eep! Who a-are you?

**Sourcie**: Well, I am the Source Of All Evil. But just call me Sourcie, it's shorter. All my enemies are calling me that. (_pause_) Well, until **newtocharmed1** sues Teshik for copyright infringement, that is.

**Bifi**: O…kay. Err…can you tell me how I landed here and how to get away again? I mean, I don't want to inssssult you, Misssster, Minnessssota is wonderful at thissss time of year, but…

**Sourcie**: -_sighs_- I really need to put up a sign or something. Bifi, this is not Downtown Minneapolis. You're dead, and in Hell. You're damned, abandon all hope ye who enter here, yadda, yadda, yadda, blah.

**Bifi**: I'm dead? Oh nooesssss! What will I do now!

**Sourcie**: Eh. Suffering in quiet would be nice.

**Bifi**: Waaaaaahahahahaaaaaa! I wanna sssselebrate _Christmassss_!

**Sourcie**: Oh come on, stop that! You'll cave in the ceiling, and I just had those Stalactites freshly installed!

**Bifi**: _WAAAAAH!_

_The ceiling begins to rumble ominously. _

**Sourcie**: Oh, all right already. (_silently_) Geesh. The things I have to do for a living…

**Bifi**: -_snif_- Huh?

**Background Music: South Park, Mr Hanky's Christmas Classics: Christmas Time in Hell**

_(Hint: Searching "Christmas Hell South Park" on youtube will get you the video)_

**Sourcie**: Tell you what,  
Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here.  
C'mon everyone, gather round!

_(starts singing)_

_String up the lights and light up the tree  
We're going to make some revelry  
Spirits are high, so I can tell  
It's Christmas time in Hell!_

_Demons are nicer as you pass them by  
There's lots of demon toys to buy  
The snow is falling and all is well  
It's Christmas time in Hell!_

_There goes good old Masselin,  
With his fan club of girlies,  
After he has sex with them,  
he'll eat their souls, with glee._

_And there goes Jenny Gordon,  
Caroling with Uncle Dan,  
**Dan and Jenny**: Reunited for the holidays  
Fans curse us, everyone!_

_**Sourcie:** Everybody has a happy glow  
Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow  
Even the Woogeyman is under the spell  
It's Christmas time in Hell!_

**Sourcie**: Bifi, here's a present for you.  
**Bifi**: Blond Hair Root dye? Aww. You sssshouldn't have.  
**Sourcie**: You're right. I really shouldn't.

_**Sourcie**: God cast me down from Heaven's door  
To rule in Hell forevermore  
But now I'm kinda glad that I fell  
'Cause It's Christmas time in Hell!_

_Here's a rack to hang the stockings on  
We still have to shop for Dantalian!  
Even Barbas rotten teeth look swell,  
It's Christmas time in Hell!_

_There's Miss Prudence Halliwell  
Holding burning mistletoe  
Over poor Cole Turner's head  
Just watch his weenie grow!_

_For one day we all stop burning  
And the flames are not so thick  
All the screaming and the torture stops  
As we wait for old Saint Nick!_

_So string up the lights and light up the tree  
We're damned for all eternity  
But for just one day all is well  
It's Christmas time in Hell!_

_We've got to toast together, and make it quick!   
We've gotta make room for **Kern, the dick**.  
Wake Boss Spelling, and ring the bell_

_It's Christmas time,  
Christmas time,_

_It's Christmas time in hell!_

_ ---  
_

_That's it for today. _

**Merry Christmas, you Motherfuckers!**

_As with last year, heavy greetings and/or apologies for mentioning to:_

alexias, angel23, booklad, brittania, CaffieneFired, CharmedLilAngel, charmingaussie, crazydude123, DeliriumTremens, Demian, DiePhoebeDie, Esmeralda, F, S, and little Jay, hazza123, JustEs, le fabuleux, LeosSON, Maracev1, merlynn, Missing Whisper, Nancy T., newtocharmed1, payndz, phoenix193, PippaX (or one of her gazillion aliases), rallygal, rduffy24, redbirds, RockerChild, sailorwind, Sara Wolfe, shanta, Shraddha, simplypoo83, Sooner Charmed, Summer16, The Done One, thelephant, Tim, TwinSwords, vaguely amused, and those 23 people I forgot about just now.

_Dear Trey Parker and Matt Stone_: Apologies for shamelessly ripping of yet another of your South Park songs. It will certainly happen again, I promise.

_Dear People of Wham!_ : I _still_ hate you for that damn song.

_Dear Minneapolitans_: It wasn't anything personal.  
(Hm. There's a pizza joke in here somewhere.)

_Dear Anal-Retentive Readers_: If I find just _one_ of you remarking in a review that's Prue's name is not Prudence, I will not only kill you all violently, I will also sic the Retard on you afterwards.


	15. 8:12 Village People Bank Robberies

**8-12 Helicopter?**** Village People?**

_We open up to rampant destruction already in progress, meaning The Littlest Psycho is having mucho fun. __Teshik enters via front door. _

**Teshik**: Hey morons, I'm ba..AAAAH!

_He gets interrupted by a hail of spoon__s flying towards his face. Yes, spoons. He hits the floor, rolls over, grabs one of those many little decoration tables cluttered around the Manor and throws it towards the presumed location of the attacker. The table flies…and freezes. _

**Piper**: (_appearing in the doorway_) Teshik! What do you have to say for yourself?

**Teshik**: That I -_pant_- really wasn't expecting -_pant_- a Spoon Demon?

**Piper**: What? No. I mean you almost hit poor precious Wyatt!

_She lifts the frozen table out of the way __and reveals that little Wyatt is in its direct flight path, standing innocently in the middle of the room…okay. As innocently as the psychotic little menace can actually muster. _

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: "I tought I taw a putty-tat"? Yeah. Pull the other one.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: Whoa. Who taught you that kind of sailor language?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: Oh. Oops.

**Piper**: See? I told you, you are a bad influence for my poor innocent little muffin.

**Teshik**: Yes, Piper, your firstborn is absolutely innocent. And Phoebe is still a virgin. By the way, while on the topic of children…

**Piper**: He's sleeping.

**Teshik**: _Sleeping_.

**Both**: **SLEEPING!**

**Teshik**: Alas, poor Chris! I knew him, Horatio - a fellow of infinite neglect.

**Piper**: Ach, stick it.

_Suddenly, someone behind Piper speaks up. _

**Voice**: Yes, I understand perfectly Piper. Taking care of Wyatt while Leo's gone…It is a burden no mother should endure.

_A guy in Elder robes who certainly never appeared before, and certainly will never again, steps into the living room. _

**Teshik**: Err, excuse me: Who the hell _are_ you?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Piper**: What they said.

**Uselessus the IV**: I am Uselessus the fourth, of the Council of Elders. Allow me to spout senseless exposition. This won't help you in any way locating Leo, and it will certainly not help you at all regarding your current storylines, since we're in one of those pointless filler episodes this season. Nevertheless, I will now at length describe in just how many ways we can't assist you in any way for no good reason whatsoever.

**Teshik**: You know, you look like a hobo. Are you a hobo? I think he's a hobo.

**Piper**: Shush. He said something about Leo, so I'm listening. Go play with Wyatt or something.

_S__he shoos them into the solarium. The Psycho and The Author stand next to each other, avoiding the other's gaze. There is awkward silence. _

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: Uh…yeah. Although: It _is_ a little too warm for this season.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: I agree.

_Pause._

**Wyatt**: -_STARES?_-

**Teshik**: Oh, he's totally a hobo. Bet you the contents of the cookie jar he's one.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: _You_ put the scorpions in there? You are a sick bastard, you know that?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: Touché. Sooo…we both know you only hit me with spoons because you were out of the other stuff.. So who were the lucky recipients of knives and forks?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

-FLASH-

_Manor, upstairs. Phoebe is in the hallway, __pinned to the wall between two doors with a massive amount of forks. There are also two forks quite deeply embedded in each breast, but she seems rather unfazed by that. _

**Phoebe**: Hello! Anybody! Get _me_ off here! (_pause_) Great. Note to _self_: Don't steal Wyatt's old clothes anymore. He _does_ mind. A lot.

_She tries to shake herself loose. She fails. The Fun Bags bounce, which causes the forks on them to wobble. _

**Phoebe**: Let's see. The party starts in four hours. Knowing Piper, she's probably dry-cleaning the wallpapers in the kitchen at this point. How to pass the time…

_The Fun Bags wobble again. _

**Phoebe**: Hmmm….

-FLASH-

_Victors apartment. __The Master of the Household enters. _

**Victor**: Boy, what a d...

_He notices something amiss. He groans and rolls his eyes. _

**Victor**: -_sigh_- Hello, little Chris.

_He turns around, and reveals The Cutest Little Whale Blubber In Existence, pinned __upside down to Victors entrance door with quite an impressive array of knives. _

**Little Chris**: (_squealing_) Gim-Pa!

**Victor**: Yes, Grandpa. (_begins removing the knives_) Reunite with my daughters, I said. It will be nice to spend time with them, I said. What the hell was I thinking? -_sniff_- Ugh. When's the last time Teshik diapered you?

-_FLASH_-

_Back at the manor. _

**Teshik**: I knew I forgot something. (_pause_) Wait a minute…It's Penny's turn this week!

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: Whaddaya mean, "vacation"? She's _dead_, for crying out loud!

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: Oh, whatever.

_They walk back into the living room, where Uselessus is still busy earning his name. _

**Piper**: Could we, like change the topic now? To the Leo topic, which actually interests me?

**Uselessus the IV**: Err… surely it must be extremely arduous for you to care for precious Wyatt - and that other one - all alone now. Feeding them, changing diapers, spending ridiculous amounts of time with him playing…

_Teshik and Wyatt look at each other__, nod, and disappear in the kitchen. _

**Uselessus the IV**: And to keep you marginally interested, I note the fact Leo's the father of your children, to drop the name, and then, continue without even…

_He gets interrupted by a flying cake in low altitude. __Two other cakes join them, hitting him in the chest and the lower abdomen, respectively. Then, a large pillow orbs in directly over him, and a tiny pebble shot opens it. Thus, the ever-useless Elder gets caked and feathered. Piper turns around and sees Teshik and Wyatt pointing to each other, both trying to radiate innocence. Both aren't the slightest bit successful. _

**Piper**: Uch. Why did you have to do that?

**Teshik**: We…um…are as surprised by this development as you are. Really.

**Piper**: Then why are you holding a slingshot?

**Teshik**: Because… Wyatt has a lousy aim?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: Still not convinced.

**Piper**: Look. Usually I'd agree with you, but that guy blubbered about dearest Leo, no matter how peripheral. So you two, apologize.

**Teshik**: I'm sorry Mr Useless Hobo Idiot.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Piper**: Much better. (_turns to Uselessus_) Look, I really have to wash and starch those kitchen wallpapers, so could you actually get to a point in the immediate future?

**Uselessus the IV**: Oh, absolutely. Just a tiny bit more useless yammering…

**Piper**: (_exasperated_) Oy. Do you have info about Leo or not? Now.

**Uselessus the IV**: …Not.

**Piper**: Okay, that's it. Out with you.

**Uselessus the IV**Don't throw me out into the cold! I don't have a home!

**Teshik**: Ha! Told ya!

**Piper**: Here. (_hands him a piece of paper_)

**Uselessus the IV**: What is this?

**Teshik**: Instructions how to get to the Chuck Cunningham Boarding School. Say hello to Celesny once you're there.

**Uselessus the IV**: Who?

**Teshik**: Exactly. Bye bye now.

_They shove him out of the Manor front door. _

**Piper**: Finally. Now, off to those wallpapers. And to think, I haven't even _begun_ disinfecting the ceiling! The horror!

_She waltzes off to sanitize the house from imaginary cooties. _

**Teshik**: You now owe me two suffocated scorpions and five rock-hard cookies. (_pause_) You know…we should do stuff like this more often.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: Evil? Nah. Totally morally justified, if you ask me.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: Don't be so disappointed. (_pause_) If it helps, it's technically still illegal to assault an Elder. Oh well. I'm off to the attic.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES?_-

**Teshik**: Let's just say it would be totally unrelated to the Retard "accidentally" catching fire in her immediate future. And that I'm a bad liar.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Teshik**: And this from a guy who barely even reaches my waist.

---

_Hallway, second floor. Phoebe keeps herself entertained via __bouncing FunBags. She doesn't notice Teshik at first. _

**Phoebe**: Jingle Bags, jingle Bags, jingle all the way, what fun it is to ride the Feebs in the San Francisco Bay, hey…_GAH! Teshik_! Err… _I_ was just, err, doing nothing embarrassing in particular, ehehe…

**Teshik**: You know, in every other household, I'd say you have some very disturbing hobbies. In every _other_ household. (_looks down at the two Funbags Forks_) Erm. Doesn't that…you know…hurt?

**Phoebe**: Do _I_ even have to pretend these are perfectly normal breasts, instead of saline implants with no feeling left whatsoever?

**Teshik**: No, not really. Though it does render the obvious joke obsolete I was about to make.

**Phoebe**: _I'm _positively feeling for you. But, you know what?

**Teshik**: What?

**Phoebe**: _I'd_ feel even more for you if _I_ wasn't pinned to the fucking wall with _forks_. Get _me__down_ already!

**Teshik**: What's the magic word?

**Phoebe**: Ecclesiastes.

**Teshik**: Nah, that was yesterday.

**Phoebe**: God, _I_ hate you.

**Teshik**: (_looks up_) And she means it. Smite her, if you can.

**Phoebe**: Question? Where does this hate for humanity in you come from, anyway?

_Bifi waltzes in from the attic. _

**Bifi**: Hey guyssss!

**Teshik**: You gotta admit, her timing's impeccable.

**Bifi**: What are you doing?

**Phoebe**: Oh, just hanging around…**get **_**me**_** off here, goddammit!**

**Bifi**: Oh, of coursssse…by the way, did anyone of you see a demon walk by?

_Phoebe and Teshik look at each other for a second. _

**Teshik**: (_with thick British accent_) Why yes, we had a stunning conversation regarding quantum physics with that charming fellow just a few minutes ago. Regrettably, he couldn't stay for tea, and went into Piper's room to indulge in his secret cross-dressing hobby.

**Bifi**: Oh. Okay.

_She waltzes off into Pipers room. Phoebe and Teshik blink. Then Teshik begins to sob loudly. _

**Phoebe**: Why do you keep insulting her? You know she's too stupid to notice.

**Teshik**: All my hate, for nothing! NOTHING!! WAH!

**Phoebe**: Oh, get down, you emo queen. Or even better: Get _ME_ down.

**Teshik**: Such a carefully arranged insult, and she ignored me! IGNORED ME!

**Phoebe**: Yeah, being ignored. Somehow, _I_ know that feeling.

**Teshik**: I have failed! There's only one thing I can do now.

**Phoebe**: Cutting the Phoebe loose? _I'm_ pretty sure it's "cutting the Phoebe loose"!

**Teshik**: (_draws out a Wakizashi_) I will regain my honor now, by committing Seppuku!

**Phoebe**: Oh Christ, not again.

**Teshik**: Watashi ha Teshik Nakatani de aru. Kono ken ha watashi no meiyo motodoori ti sutu!

**Phoebe**: It will not! Bifi! Get your ass back here!

**Bifi**: (_pokes her head out of Pipers room_) But I haven't found my demon yet! (_looks at Teshik_) Ooh. Pretty sword. Although a little short. Shouldn't a Kadamma be longer?

_Teshik, the Wakizashi raised in his arms, ready to strike, pauses. _

**Teshik**: Assuming you mean the Katana, that one's used by Samurai in combat. The Wakizashi here is a shorter replacement sword, and the weapon of choice when committing ritual suicide.

**Bifi**: No, no, it has to be a Kadamma, alright. You just got your Chinese Swords mixed up.

**Teshik**: _Katana_. And Chinese swords are called Dao.

**Bifi**: No, the Dang is the Indonesian currency. Jessssussss, don't you know _anything_ about Assssia?

_He answers by slowly turning red. He gets up. _

**Teshik**: Bifi? Short lesson. (_pulls some bills out of his pocket_) **Ðồng**. _Vietnamese_ Currency. (_grabs behind his back, presents a sword_) **Dao**. Chinese Sword, worn by infantry. (_throws the sword away, draws another out of his sheath at his belt_) **Katana**. Sword of the Samurai. (_picks up the discarded Wakizashi from earlier_) **Niten Ichiryū**, fighting style with both short and long sword. (_bows down a little_) **Ritsu-Rei**. Bowing ritual before training and battle. **Now**: the precise moment I'm going to beat the _shit_ out of you before you _die_.

_He lets out a primordial scream, and jumps __into the air, anime-style, with the swords held in attack position. He slices! He dices! He…_

…_gets reflected by a blue__-ish shield emanating from Bifi, and lands flat on his ass._

_Dammit. _

**Teshik**: Stupid damn no-good no-killing Retard spell.

_He lashes out with his swords again. This time, the swords get__(ripped) out of his hands, flying through the hallway. The Katana embeds itself in quite serious proximity of Phoebe's neck, much to her discomfort. _

**Phoebe**: Okay, _we _have to cut this short before someone gets hurt _I _care for. Namely, _me_. Bifi, _we_ all know you're a retard, but didn't it occur to you that the demon can squiggle?

**Bifi**: So? All demons can ssssquiggle.

_Teshik launches himself again at Bif__i, more out of spite than anger, this time with the Dao. The girls absentmindedly watch his flight path, then continue. _

**Phoe****be**: Well, don't you think he would squiggle the hell away if you were, like, opening the crystal trap or something?

**Bifi**: I had that thought, now that you mention it. But Teshik saw him in Pipers bedroom, so…

_Teshik starts another attempt. This time, he gets somersaulted over Bifi and flung into one of the bedrooms. A few seconds later, he emerges again - from a bedroom on the other side of the hallway. _

**Teshik**: (_a little confused_) Stupid house.

**Phoebe**: Are you quite done yet?

**Teshik**: Hm. No. I might be out of weapons, but I'm certainly not out of ideas.

**Phoebe**: Y'know, _I_ kinda lost the feeling in _my_ arms by now. So could _we_ cut the hijinks to a close, you get _me_ down, and _we_ finally get the A-plot going?

**Bifi**: Why? You're not in it this time, as far as I know.

**Teshik**: Yeah. Her, and me are meeting with Harvey…

**Phoebe**: …Henry…

**Teshik**: …whatever, and Paige in some random Bank. She didn't tell why.

**Bifi**: Oh my! What if she dessssperately needssss money? We need to find her before she pawns out her dear belongingssss!

_She runs off. Teshik rolls his eyes,__ pulls the discarded Katana from the wall, mumbles a Whatever, and follows. _

**Phoebe**: NO! COME B…ah, hell. And people wonder why _I_ want to move out of this nuthouse.

_Wyatt takes this moment to turn around the corner from the stairs (???). He is holding a cute little teddy and an even more cute little dagger. __Phoebe contemplates for a moment. _

**Phoebe**: Usually, _I_ would try to blend into the wall as much as possible, hoping you don't notice _me_, but _I'm_ desperate. Get _me _down. Pleeeeeease?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: Oh, tons of things. _I_ have so many things to offer.

**Wyatt**: -_ROLLS EYES_-

**Phoebe**: Very funny, you perverted little bastard. Even _I_ have limits.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: Yeah, but Chris was twenty. And _I_ didn't know he was _my _nephew. Eww.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: Fine, but he was twenty. And damn tasty.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: And you are still not getting _me _off of here.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: Please?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: Uch…Pretty please with Cherry and Sugar on top?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: Yes, _I_ acknowledge your supreme right of ruling this planet.

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: What? Whaddaya mean, no?

**Wyatt**: -_STARES_-

**Phoebe**: But…but Cherry, and World Ruling, and stuff!

**Wyatt**: -STARES-

**Phoebe**: No. Piper'd skin _me_ alive.

**Wyatt**: -STARES-

**Phoebe**: Okay. OKAY. FINE. _I_ write you that stupid spell to bring your toys to life. (_to herself_) _I'm_ gonna regret this.

---

_The BANK bank. It has to be the BANK bank, because there's a sign in bold letters screaming "BANK", __and what retard would leave out the company name in their sign? Innyway. The Author and the Twit meet up with the Spastic._

**Paige**: Hey **Gu**ys! What**cha** up to

**Teshik**: I hate you, your country, and everyone in it.

**Paige**(_to Bifi_): **The** hell?

**Bifi**: His Kadamma got confiscated.

**Teshik**: For a country which allows you to purchase guns via the local fuckin' Wal Mart, your policemen sure have a very constrained attitude towards melee weapons. (_turns to Bifi_) Ka_tana_.

**Bifi**: Ka_damma_.

**Teshik**: Ka_tana!_

**Bifi**: Ka_damma_!

**Paige**: Gu**ys**!

**Bifi and Teshik**: _What_!

**Paige**: Aside from **Tes**hik run**ning** around **with** Ka… err, **swords**, is there an**y** parti**cu**lar reason you **came** to me?

**Teshik**: Yeah, well, duh. You _told_ us to come. Did you catch your head in the freezer door again?

**Paige**: No. And no, I didn't tell you to come.

**Bifi**: But if you didn't, who phoned me an hour ago?

-FLASH-

_Attic__, an hour ago. The Retard is torturing a random demon for no good reason whatsoever. Or, you know, to get information about her Demon Poo Sister. Same difference. _

**Possessor Demon**: Argh! Please! I have no idea who the hell you are!

**Bifi**: Aha! You're lying! Everyone knows I am Bifi, Tweenage Witch!

_She __sets down the crystal, electrifying him. Then, her cell phone rings. _

**Bifi**: Hold on a ssssecond. Hello?

**Male voice badly impersonating female voice**: I'm a COP! Err, I mean, err, hi, I'm Paige. Paige Halliwell. Not a guy pretending to be her.

**Bifi**: Oh, hi, Paige the male cop! How are you doing?

**MVBIFV**: I'm fine, thanks. Could you do me a favour and come to the BANK bank real quick?

**Bifi**: You mean the BANK bank downtown?

**MVBIFV**: Yes, exactly. She, er, I mean, I will meet you there. And take Teshik with you.

**Bifi**: Okay, ssssure. We'll be right over. -_click_- I'll just finish up with this demon…oh. Where'd he go?

_Meanwhile, __Somewhere On The East Coast. _

**Darryl**: Yes! _Yes_! My brilliant plan is working! Due to their curious natures, Paige and Teshik will soon investigate the mysterious phone call, and follow it back here, to me! I will finally get my airtime in this season! Mua ha ha ha ha ha!

_-FLASH-_

_Back in the BANK bank. _

**Teshik**: (_shrugs_) Oh well, whatever. Who cares.

**Paige**: Ye**ah**.

_-FLASH-_

_East Coast. _

**Darryl**: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_-FLASH-_

**Bifi**: Oh, I remember now! We're here to keep poor Paige from pawning out her dear belongingssss, becausssse she's having financial trouble!

_Paige raises an eyebrow at Teshik. _

**Teshik**: Don't look at me, she's making this shit up as she goes. (_pause_) And If I _was_ behind it, I'd give you a gambling addiction for a reason, at least.

**Bifi**: Paige has a gambling addiction! Oh noes! We gotssss to get her to an addictation clinic!

**Paige**: (_rolls eyes_) I **do **not **have **a gamb**ling** ad**dict**ion, Bi**fi**.

**Bifi**: And now she's lying to us! Paige, admit your problem, it's the firsssst step to recovery.

**Teshik**: Hold on a second. (_He grabs in his pocket, fishes out a coin, opens the BANK bank door, and flips it away onto the street)_ Oh no. Bifi. Look. I lost my shiny shiny coin somewhere over there. I will never ever find it. Poor me.

**Bifi**: Don't worry, I'll fetch you your coin. I'm Bifi, I can do anything!

_With that, s__he goes out to play in traffic._

**Teshik**: That never gets old. Although: the legend of the reckless city drivers mowing down innocent pedestrians is greatly exaggerated, I'm sorry to report.

_We see several cars swerving and narrowly avoiding the oblivious Retard. __There is quite some honking going on._

**Teshik**: See? Well…while we wait for some careless driver to become my new best friend, what're you really doing in the bank?

**Paige**: I'm doing **some**thing ho**nour**able and noble. See **that** guy over **there**?

**Teshik**: You mean Slampiece Harvey?

**Paige**: Henry. **No**, the ot**her** guy. That**'s** Vi**to**. He's a Ve**te**ran.

_She looks at him expectantly. _

**Teshik**: …And?

**Paige**: He's a _Ve__**te**__ran_. **You** know? **W**ar?

**Teshik**: What's so cool with him being a Veteran?

**Paige**: Don't **you** see? He ser**ved** our coun**try**. Ever**y**one who ser**ved** our coun**try** in some **w**ar is **a** Good **Per**son.

**Teshik**: A veteran is a person who has been in a war. That really doesn't qualify him as good or bad. Plus, there's this whole "killing other people" issue.

_Paige __looks upset at this. _

**Paige**: Tes**hik**, Ve**te**rans are Good **Peo**ple, End **Of** Discussion.

**Teshik**: Hrmpf. Fine.

_He pauses, then begins speaking very quickly._

**Teshik**: …except-that-the-prisoner-abuse-in-Abu-Ghraib-and-the-distribution-of-Agent-Orange-in-the-Vietnam-War-was-also-perpetrated-by-soldiers-and-thus-not-all-veterans-are-good-people.

**The People Of Townsville**: -_gasp_- !

_Everyone in the bank now __stares at Teshik with a look you normally reserve for "He killed the puppy!". One man in the background is clutching an American Flag, trying to hold back his tears. _

**Teshik**: Oh, for crying out loud…

**Paige**: Eh he**he**. Plea**se** don't mind **him**. He's from **Old** Europe. Those wac**ky** Eu**ro**pean mo**rals**, you **know**…

**The People Of Townsville**: … "Ah." - "Okay then." - "Non-Americans sure are weird." - "Rhubarb, Rhubarb."

_The people relax and resume what they were doing. _

**Teshik**: You Americans have mastered bigotry as an art form. Just sayin'.

**Paige**: And Eu**ro**peans **are** whining, **self**-hating hy**po**crites.

**Teshik**: Touché.

**Bifi**: Hey, I'm back!

**Teshik**: (_holds out his hand_) My coin, before I acknowledge your existence.

**Bifi**: Here.

**Paige**: Can we **move** on with **the** plot **now**?

**Teshik**: Of course.

**Paige**: Anyway, Vi**to** the Ve**te**ran…

**Bifi**: …who is a very Good People, Teshik, remember…

**Paige**: …wants **to** take up **a** loan at **the** BANK bank for **the** education of his **son**. And he needs som**e**one to vouch **for** him.

**Teshik**: And so you vouch for this complete stranger?

**Paige**: No, I won**'t** vouch **for **him, sil**ly**. Henry **does**.

**Teshik**: Who's…ah. Slampiece Harvey.

**Paige**: Hen**ry**. And he's **my **boyfriend. Vi**to**'s one **of **his pa**ro**lees.

**Teshik**: And the reason you're here with him now is because…?

**Paige**: Well, isn't **it **obvious?

**Teshik**: Err…you're still an unemployed leech and since you don't have anything better to do, you went for a lunch fucking?

**Paige**: Yes. I **mean**, no! I mean…ah, god**dam**mit.

**Teshik**: At least you're honest. Kinda.

_In the background, the discussion between Henry, Vito the Veteran and an employee - Ben__ Benker of the BANK bank - reaches a certain noise threshold. _

**Henry**: Whaddaya mean, no? Can't you see he's a veteran?

**Veteran Vito**: And it's not for me, it's for my son's education!

**Ben Benker of the BANK bank**: I'm very sorry Mr. Veteran Sir, but as long as you're not having the means to repay us later somehow, we can't give you money.

**Veteran Vito: **Okay, fine. FINE. I'll show you what we did in The War when people didn't want to give us their money!

_He storms out. _

**Teshik**: Well, that comment sure instilled me with confidence.

**Paige**: What **do** you **mean**?

**Teshik**: Duh. Isn't anybody concerned about the raging maniac who just waltzed out of the bank?

**The People Of Townsville:** -_gasp_-!

**Teshik**: (_rolls eyes_) I mean, isn't anybody concerned about the raging _Veteran who served your country_ and who's also a maniac?

**The People Of Townsville:**-_phew_-.

**Teshik**: I hate you all. (_looks down, tiny voice_) But I also hate myself for whining and being a hypocrite all the time.

**Bifi**: There there Teshik. I'm Bifi, everything will be alright.

_She __pats him on the shoulder. He reacts as if bitten, and whirls around. He even hisses a bit._

**Teshik**: Do that again and die.

**Bifi**: How are you gonna do that with Piper'ssss sssspell protecting me?

**Teshik**: Well, for starters, I could throw you in front of that car over there that… isheadingdirectlytowardsusLOOKOUT!

_Everyone dives out of the way of a car that suddenly decided to create a Drive-In Booth in the BANK bank. Teshik, true to his promises, tries to shove Bifi back into the danger zone, but Paige holds him back. She's an asshole. _

---

BANK bank, aftermath. The gang disentangle themselves.

**Teshik**: I hope whoever pulled this stupid stunt suffered severe head injuries.

_The car door opens, and Vito the Veteran steps out, holding a gun. By the way, _

_Dear Future Bank Robbers of America: Please try to imitate this idiot, because if you get stuck in your damn cars, and probably knocked out by the impact because you're stupid enough to drive into banks with your regular car, we can patiently wait until the police arrives. Thank you. _

**Veteran Vito**: Alright, everybody, this is a hold-up. Hands up!

**Teshik**: I'm interpreting this as a "Yes".

_Vito __takes hold of Ben Benker, and wrestles him over to his booth - where everyone who hasn't been in deep space for the last century knows is the secret alert button in every bank - and tells him to pack some money for him. However, instead of, oh, JUST GRAB SOME MONEY AND RUN BEFORE THE FUCKING POLICE ARRIVES, he decides to stay and create a comfy little hostage situation where there's a high chance he and others will be killed today. But everything will be alright, because Vito is a veteran, and therefore, he is a Good Person. _

**Paige**: I hate **it** when you us**e** the stag**e** directions **a**gainst us.

**Teshik**: And I hate it when my characters break the 4th wall without warning me first.

**Paige**: If **you** try to be less hateful **in** your commen**ta**ry, then I will **not** draw attention **to** it anymore.

**Teshik**: In that case? No. I realize he just shorted, but, for starters, creating a giant hole directly in the building where he wants to keep a shitload of hostages? That's just retarded.

**Bifi**: Present!

**Teshik**: Not you.

**Paige**: Now, if **we** will just set**tle** down **and** do what he says, ever**y**thing will be sort**ed** out by our **nice** and friendly **po**lice force. No one will get **hurt**. Not **even** Vito.

**Teshik**: Oh, come on. We're lucky he isn't a black guy, or they'd gun him down on sight.

**Paige**: Teshik!

**Teshik**: Shut it, I'm not in the mood for fake political correctness.

**The Only African-American Woman in the Bank**: Plus, he's right, you know.

**Teshik**: See? The Black Chick agrees.

**Veteran**** Vito**: Shut up, all of you! Over there! Into that corner where I can't hear you conspiring!

_The gang settles down on the floor. Because the chairs next to them just aren't comfy enough. _

**Paige**: Since **we'**re going **to** be **here** for a while: These **are** Bifi…

**Bifi**: …I can do anything!

**Paige**: …and **Tesh**ik…

**Teshik**: …who hates Bifi with a fiery passion...

**Paige**: …and I**'m** Pai**ge**. It's a ple**asu**re to meet **y'all**.

**The Only African-American Woman in the Bank**My name's Ashlee, and this is Cop In Disguise.

**Cop In Disguise**: My friends call me Cid.

**Paige**: Hi

**Female BANK employee**: I'm Beatrice Bink of the BANK bank, and my colleague who's being manhandled for no reason over there is Ben Benker.

**Teshik**: Is alliteration a requirement for your job?

**Beatrice**: No, but it helps.

**Teshik**: Ah.

**Henry**: (_points at Bifi and Teshik_) Didn't I meet you two in some food-poisoning induced coma sequence a week ago?

**Teshik**: Errr…No? You must confuse us, with, err, some other two hallucinations.

**Bifi**: No, no, he's right, we ssssaw him at that…OW!

**Teshik**: …that thing, that never happened. Like my elbow hitting Bifi. That never happened either.

**Bifi**: OWW!

**Teshik**: Until now, that is.

**Henry**: You're quite the violent fella, aren't you?

**Teshik**: Nah. Only when she's around.

**Paige**: Not **that **I want **to **distract you **from **those peo**ple** you may **or **may not **have **seen last Tues**day**, except **that **I do, but **could **we do som**e**thing about the hos**ta**ge situation thing**y**?

**Cid**: I agree, for not so obvious intentions that will come clear later.

**Henry**: Huh?

**Paige**: Hush. Do**n'**t ruin **the **om**i**nous foresh**a**dowing, sweet**h**eart.

**Henry**: Okay. Huh. You know, I've never seen him like this. It's like he just…snapped!

**Ashlee, ****Beatrice, Bifi, Cid, Paige and Teshik**: (_making donkey faces_) Uhh, DUHHHHHH!

**Teshik**: Harvey, you're a doll and all, but this Mr Stating The Obvious? So not your type.

**Ashlee**: Let's brainstorm for ideas.

**Cid**: I propose someone of you distracts the criminal for a moment while I fix this situation.

**Ashlee**: Care to elaborate?

**Cid**: No. It'd ruin the surprise, and the upcoming plot twist.

**Ashlee**: Oh. Okay, nevermind then. Maybe later.

**Cid**: Of course.

**Teshik**: I have an idea. Why don't we just waltz out the abovementioned giant hole in the wall while he's distracted with that banker guy?

**Paige**: No, **we **can't. We would **leave **the banker guy **a**lone with him.

**Teshik**: And then, he'd only have one hostage instead of eight. Whom he can't kill, by the way, since it'd be his only chance of not being gunned down on sight. So, if we…what?

_He realizes everyone is staring at him, making "tsk, tsk" faces. Even Vito and __Ben Benker, in a chokehold, have turned around and poo-pooed this. _

**Paige**: -_sigh_- What have I told you about arguing with logic when a plothole is required for providing drama?

**Teshik**: I dunno, but I do remember I didn't care.

**Paige**: Teshik, lo**gic** is not **what** we do **in **the Char**med**verse, end **of **discussion.

**Teshik**: Hrmpf. One day I'm gonna take one of you back to _my_ universe and see how _you_ cope.

_Vito and Ben turn around again and pretend they never heard the others. _

**Henry**: I will go over to him and talk. Maybe we can settle this peacefully.

**Paige**: You **do** that, hon. **Soo**…anything _we_ could **do** in the meantim**e**?

**Bifi**: Oh! Don't worry, I have an idea, because I'm Bifi!

_She then proceeds to grab the discarded handbags of her fellow hostages, and rummages around in them. She takes, among other things, a lipstick, some cigarettes, and a powder compact. She begins ripping apart the smokes and violently destroying the lipstick__, munching everything together in the powder compact. _

_Everyone__ stares at the Retard. _

**Teshik**: Uhhh…don't mind her. She lost most of her brain cells in an unfortunate hair-dryer-accident two years ago.

**Ashlee**: Ah.

**Bifi**: Hey!

**Teshik**: Shut it bimbo.

**Bifi**: (_hissing_)But I can totally get ussss out of this pickle!

**Teshik**: (_hissing back_) By arbitrarily destroying other peoples property?

**Bifi**: No! It's a magical disssstraction!

**Teshik**: Bifi, no matter what the advertising industry says, these cosmetics aren't magical. Only expensive.

**Bifi**: No, silly! I'm whipping up a potion with the ingredients I've got!

**Teshik**: My sister and I tried that when we were little. All you get is a brown goo that sticks to the sink.

**Bifi**: That's just because you're not me! I'm Bifi, and it totally workssss when I do it!

**Teshik** (_turns to Ashlee_): Okay, to be honest with you: it wasn't an accident. She's a druggie, and hit herself with a PCP/LSD combo overdose. She's been wearing diapers ever since.

**Ashlee**: Oh.

_Henry and Ben Benker join the group. Vito stays at the other side of the bank, and instead of, oh, you know, __DUCK BEFORE ONE OF THE THREE GAZILLION SNIPERS TAKES HIM OUT BECAUSE HE'S AN EASY TARGET, PLUS, HE SHOULD REALLY KNOW THAT STUFF AS A VETERAN, stands around and enjoys his angst. _

**Paige**: You al**ri**ght?

**Henry**: Yeah. But I can't quite get through to him. Oh, if only his son was here.

**Paige**: Hm. **You** know, I have **an** idea about **that**.

**Teshik**: Correction: I will have the idea to bail, not you.

**Paige**: Why?

**Teshik**: Because this subplot is so nauseatingly stupid, I'll rather be at the Manor with the shrew, the slut, and the murderous psycho. And to be honest, the probability of seeing blood is much higher with Wyatt than this gun-toting idiot (_stands up_) Excuse me, Mister Bank Robbery Veteran Guy? I, like, have to go to the bathroom. It's, um. Urgent. And stuff.

_Manor, Sweet Manor. Teshik exits his interdimensional portal in the kitchen. __Piper and Phoebe stand at the door, and peek into the living room._

**Teshik**: Hiding in the kitchen? Well, that probably means Wyatt has even more fun with his victims…I mean, _friends_, than usual. Are we still at the "which kid bleeds the best" contest, or already at the grand "we'll have a living piñata" finale?

**Phoebe**: None of the sort. _We_, uh…have kinda different problems this time.

**Teshik**: And what could be so bad to hide if it's not even bloody? Lemme see.

_Teshik peeks out into the living room. We don't get to see what he sees, __but we do hear _

_the__ Village People and their song Y.M.C.A. (it fits best if you start at the chorus)._

**Teshik: **Is there any particular reason you invited the Village People for your son's birthday, Piper?

**Piper**: I didn't. He conjured them out of his toys. (_casts nasty side-glance towards the Pheebs, who ignores it_)

**Teshik**: Oh. _Boy_.

**Phoebe**: No shit.

**Teshik**: I really think he's trying to tell you something.

**Piper**: And that something would be?

**Teshik**: That, given what we already know about Tiny Gay Chris' deposition, you'll never have to worry about gifts for your grandchildren. _Ever_.

**Piper**: Are you implying something I don't want to hear?

**Teshik**: No, I am stating a fact you don't want to hear.

**Piper**: Humbug. My darling is totally normal. He just has an issue with Leo leaving, that's all.

**Teshik**: Please note the absence of acknowledgement about the existence of her second child.

**Phoebe**: Duly noted.

**Teshik**: Y'know, I'm still certain Wyatt's just disappointed with his presents, given that nobody fulfilled his "Weapons of Mass Destruction for the Conquest of South East Asia" wish.

**Piper**: Ah, poo. My lil' muffin was just making a joke.

**Teshik**: Uh huh.

**Phoebe**: Sure he was.

**Piper**: Et tu, Phoebe?

**Phoebe**: Piper, your son is a dangerous freak. Get used to it.

**Teshik**: Word. And this latest episode gets at least an eleven on the emotional scarring scale.

**Phoebe**: Hey, at least you weren't here when he gouged Mr Fluffybuttom's eyes out.

**Teshik**: Doesn't he mutilate his toys every day?

**Phoebe**: Yes, but this time, the bear could scream.

**Teshik**: Ouch. Well, it's been a… traumatic experience, but I gotta get back to my hostage taker before he feels lonely. Umm…you got a Zippo lighter for me or something?

**Piper**: Sure. (_begins rummaging in a drawer_) What for?

**Teshik**: I really need it to complete my subplot this episode.

**Veteran ****Vito:** Where the hell have you been?

**Teshik**: Err… Explosive Diarrhoea. (_quiet, to himself_) Well, I have a queasy stomach and the compulsion to vomit, so it's not a _complete_ lie.

**Veteran ****Vito:** What?

**Teshik**: Nothing.

**Vito**: Then, uh, go back to the other hostages! Move it!

**Teshik**: Whatever. Where's Paige?

**Beatrice**: We were feeling a little low on caffeine. And there's a Starbuck's next door.

**Teshik**: Isn't there always?

**Ashlee**: She'll get you a Latte. It's on me.

**Teshik**: Aw. You're a doll.

**Veteran Vito:** Look, you will sit down now or I will shoot!

**Teshik**: Ah. Ah. I'm totally frightened.

**Ben Benker:** Oh, just do what he says, hostage takers can get so annoying. Believe me.

**Ashlee**: This isn't your first time?

**Ben Benker**: The third. We have a support group meeting every Thursday. You could visit us sometime when this is over.

**Ashlee**: We'll consider it.

_Teshik flops down to the floor next to Bifi. _

**Bifi**: Don't worry guyssss, the current crissssissss isss about to be ressssolved. With my ssssecret plan that I can't tell you non-witches I ssssoon will …what the hell are you doing, Teshik?

_She looks down at her jacket. Teshik is trying to light a Zippo in very close proximity to it._

**Teshik**: (_not looking up_) Trying to set you on fire? -_flick_- -_flick_-

**Bifi**: What? Are you planning a diversion?

**Teshik**: (_still not looking up_) No. -_flick_- I'm trying to set you on fire. -_flick_-

**Bifi**: Why?

**Teshik**: Apart from the usual reasons? -_flick_- I'm bored, and my Katana is gone. -_flick_- Ah.

_The Zippo lights up and a piece of Bifi's jacked begins to smoulder. She quickly puts it out with her hands. _

**Bifi**: Cut that out! Now!

**Teshik**: (_looks up, slightly irritated_) No! -_flick_- -_flick_-

**Bifi**: Mr Hostage Taker, sir? Teshik is setting me on fire!

**Teshik**: Am not! This stupid thing is out of gas!

**Veteran Vito**: -_sigh_- I'm beginning to think this was a bad idea.

**Teshik**: Oh, what do you know. He actually _has_ a brain cell.

_Paige__ returns laden with a tray of caffeinated goodies. _

**Paige**: Hey, I'**m** back!

_Vito swerves around __and aims his gun at her, panicked. _

**Veteran Vito** Ahh! Where did you come from?

**Paige**: Star**bucks**?

**Veteran Vito:** But I'm guarding the entrance!

**Teshik**: And you keep missing the giant gaping hole you created with your fucking car. Just like the two dozen police officers outside, I might add.

**Veteran Vito**: You're not really taking me seriously, are you?

**Paige**: Well, we cer**tain**ly take our cof**fee** break ser**i**ous**ly**.

**Teshik**: Wait, no sugar? Damn. (_stands up_) No, don't get up, I'll go. Anyone still wants something?

**Ashlee**: Could you get me one of those ham sandwiches with a little mustard please?

**Teshik**: Sure thing. Be right back.

_Vito stops him by __standing in the way and pointing the gun at the Author's chest. _

**Veteran Vito**: You're lucky you're not a goddamn Hajji.

**Teshik**: And you, sir, are very lucky no one in the Middle East reads this crap. Now, if you'll excuse me…

_Vito answers by __-finally- taking the damn safety off his gun. This shuts everyone up, fast. Teshik slowly and unthreateningly retreats to his place. _

**Teshik**: Paige? Please form a useful sentence out of these components: "fucking gun", "just orb the", "Why don't you".

**Paige**: It's **not** that **sim**ple. Aside from **all** those **in**nocents, there are ca**me**ras all over.

**Teshik**: Well, try a workaround.

**Bifi**: Just orb the why don't you fucking gun?

**Paige**: **Like** what?

**Teshik**: Like, orbing the bullets out of the gun?

**Bifi**: Why don't you fucking gun just orb the?

**Paige**: That **on**ly works **if **I can **see **the ob**ject**, or if **the **gun's not be**ing** moved. Not **li**kely to hap**pen**.

**Bifi**: Why gun fucking you orb don't the just?

**Teshik**: You know Paige, as they discovered there was no brain activity in Terry Shiavo's head, they let her die. Just wanted to point that out.

**Paige**: For **the **last **time**, we're **not **eutha**ni**zing the Re**tard**.

**Teshik**: Dammit. (_pause_) Not even a little?

**Paige**: No.

**Teshik**: Meh.

---

_Meanwhile, outside, masses of innocent bystanders and …. do exactly nothing whatsoever except worsen the budget crisis of the current season. __I could also mention the Bad Actor, I mean, Demon of the Week standing around and failing to look sinister. But since even the writers totally forgot there's supposed to be a bad guy until the fourth act, why should I remember? Innyway, Piper has managed to find a boy who has no lines in this episode whatsoever, and got him to phone his dad. Vito picks up the ringing phone, probably because, just like me, he expected a hostage crisis negotiator instead of HIS FUCKING SON WHO WILL PROBABLY UPSET HIS UNSTABLE CHARACTER EVEN FURTHER, ENDANGERING THE LIVES OF HIS HOSTAGES IN THE PROCESS. Have I mentioned that I find this episode a teensy tiny bit dumb? I have? Oh. Sorry then._

**Vito the Veteran**: Uh…hi buddy. How are you doing?

**Teshik**: Ooh, let's summarize, shall we? He was pulled out of school by an irate Piper, to learn his dad has managed to get at least fifteen snipers and twenty police officers to train their guns on him. Daddy also threatens to kill several hostages. And that problem with financing his education? Well, even if Daddy manages to survive all this, he has not only totalled the family car in a building whose owner will most likely sue him for this, but also will not be available for, oh, fifteen, twenty years, since he's already a felon. And prison inmates don't earn minimum wage, or get loans, so Junior's pretty much screwed financially besides effectively losing his father. So, overall, I'm willing to bet this day for him rates, at least, "below average".

**Vito the Veteran**: You! You… you_… you are so mean!_

**Teshik**: I know. I love my job. Now, will you give Henry your gun so we can all go home already?

**Paige**(_hissing to Teshik_): Since **when **are you a**ble** to talk hos**tag**e takers in**to** giving up

**Teshik **(_hissing_): We're on page 15 again. Also, it's fucking _October_. I want to finish this dreck and get on with my life.

**Vito the Veteran**: Okay, okay. I give up. I will now give you my g…

_He doesn't finish the sentence, mainly because Cid takes this moment when the guy is ALREADY WILLING TO GIVE UP__ to take his own gun out of his backpack and shoots at Vito. And Henry, either because he's a heroic policemen with a heart of gold, or just really, really, REALLY stupid (you decide), dives towards Vito to catch him. He catches something, alright - the bullet, that is. _

**Paige**: Oh **NO**!

_And because she is very brave and upset about her boyfriend, or just really really REALLY stupid (your decision, again), she kicks the gun out of the hands of Cid, the only person who could have gotten Vito to end this, and thus, being able to rush Bleeding Henry to the nearest hospital. Christ, this is dumb. __Vito takes the spare gun, Paige rushes over to her slampiece. _

**Paige**: HENRY! **Oh**, oh Henry! Some**bo**dy do **some**thing!

**Teshik**: Hmmm... Cid, for prolonging my agony, you are now officially not invited to my birthday party anymore.

**Cid**: Ah, poo.

**Paige**: I **meant **something **use**ful!

**Teshik**: Well, there will be more cake for the rest of us if he isn't invited…

**Paige**: I meant **my **boy**friend**, you ass! Hen**ry**'s been shot.!.! **He's** dying.!.!.!

**Teshik**: Two droplets of blood do not say fatal injury to me. Hell, I've had paper cuts that bled worse.

**Paige**: His gun **wound **is threa**ten**ing his life. End **of **discuss**ion**. Do some**thing**, Teshik!

**Teshik**: (_to himself_) Save my slampiece, Teshik. Ignore the laws of common sense, Teshik. Don't throw the Retard into an industrial meat grinder, Teshik. Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah. (_out loud_) Vito. Please, just give up now. Or do I have to point out all the flaws in your character development this episode, and grind you into submission.

**Vito the Veteran**: Since you put it that way…I will…

_Suddenly, some possessor mojo happens. _

**Possessor Veteran**: …not give up. Instead, I will keep you here until the bloke there bleeds to death or something…interesting happens.

**Bifi**: What jusssst happened?

**Possessor Veteran**: Guess, filthy witch!

**Teshik**: Wait. We had a demon in this episode?

**Paige**: I don't **re**member **it** either. You, Bi**fi**?

**Bifi**: Well, I did torture some of them this morning…

**Ashlee**: What, exactly, are we talking about at this moment?

**Teshik**: Err, it's…code. For…FBI agents.

**Ashlee**: In that case, I wanna point out you're the worst FBI agents, ever.

**Teshik**: Hey, if you want to walk a mile in my shoes, lady, you're welcome to try.

**Ashlee**: Deal.

**Teshik**: What's that supposed to mean?

_While this is going on, Paige has inexplicable learned a new power, and healed Henry while nobody was looking. Except for all of the hostages, and the characteristic glow should be on the BANK bank's cameras, as well. Whatever. Paige stands up and walks over to the Retard._

**Paige**: Bifi**, re**member the dis**trac**tion you **want**ed to produce

**Bifi**: The what? Oh, that! Of course, it's been for a while now.

**Paige**: Then **throw** it, numb **nut**!

_Bifi throws her "potion". It...does exactly nothing, because it's powder mixed with tobacco and parts of a lipstick.__ Duh._

**Teshik**: Oh, for fuck's sake.

_He reaches in his breast pocket - Stupid Hostage Wannabe didn't bother to search them, so…anyways, he throws it, and a dust cloud surrounds all of them. When the dust lifts…__nothing has happened whatsoever. _

**Ashlee**: Err…

**Possessor ****Veteran**: What did you do?

**Teshik**: People? The point of creating a diversion? Is to actually DO something while the enemy's distracted. Just sayin'.

**Ashlee**: I wholeheartedly agree.

**Someone with a Megaphone outside**: Hey, you there! Since we made absolutely no effort to resolve this peacefully yet, and since you've already escalated the situation by probably killing a hostage, we decided to reward you with a piloted helicopter!

**Teshik**: I really think this law system needs a do-over sometimes.

_And thus, the Possessor Veteran takes "Bifi" and walks outside to the helicopter__ provided by the taxpayers, and which is the biggest waste of Season Eight's budget since the introduction of you-know-who. The rest of them look on, the crisis for them is over. "Paige" stays with Henry, and Ashlee and Teshik go outside. Ashlee seems to look for something. _

**Ashlee**: Did you ever notice that, once you actually need a dark and forbidding alleyway, you're never able to find one?

**Teshik**: Wait, so soon?

**Ashlee**: Do you want to be at the processing summit where we all have the "startling" revelation that Paige can heal, and Piper finds yet another excuse for her son being a murderous psycho? Because, I can really do without that one.

_They f__ind a little alley, and walk in. _

**Teshik**: Hm. I think I'll pass. Though it would've been nice to get to know Piper and Phoebe.

**Ashlee**: Well, I could continue being you if you want, but only if I can change the shoes first. Your high heels are killing me.

**Tesh****ik**: Tch. Two minutes of being a woman, and you're already complaining.

_"Teshik" is waving his arm over his face, and "Ashlee" snaps her fingers. With the Swirling Cloud Of Glowing Golf Balls, and a regular morphing effect, respectively, they transform back into…Ashlee and Teshik. Duh. What'd you expect? Columbo and Kojak?_

**Teshik**: Me complaining has nothing to do with me being female. It's a way of life. (_pause_) and being in close proximity to Piper for too long. Just for the record though, you could've hinted you're a shape-shifting witch _before_ dragging me aside during that smoke-bomb.

**Ashlee**: Nah. I recognized Paige as a Charmed One, and I happen to know the average lifespan of witches _after_ meeting them.

**Teshik**: Point taken.

**---**

_Yours truly enters the attic where the 3 P's are gathered. _

**Teshik**: Hey. Did I miss anything?

**Piper**: Not much. By the way, where is Bifi?

**Teshik**: She is…erm…NOT tied to any railroad tracks right now. Really. I mean it.

**Piper**: Good boy.

**Paige**: But Pi**per**, he's to**tall**y l…

**Piper**: Not really interested. Next item: My precious son's issues are resolved. It turns out he just misses his Daddy, and conjured his entirely heterosexual toy puppets to go looking for him.

_Phoebe and Teshik look at each other. _

**Phoebe**: Just…go with it.

**Teshik**: She's got the Hands of Discontent set to "kill" again, right?

**Phoebe**: …go with it. _Please_.

**Teshik**: Ooookay. Yes, Piper. You are absolutely right. We agree wholeheartedly.

**Piper**: Good. I am glad this is over, _and will never be mentioned ever again_. Now, final item: Paige, you what-ed Henry?

**Paige**: Hea**led**. I guess I got my**s**elf a new **power**.

**Piper**: Oh come fucking on. You got yourself another one, and I'm still stuck with two?

**Teshik**: For a person determined to have a normal life without powers, you sure are disappointed.

**Piper**: Bah. Just leave me a little schizophrenia, will you?

**Teshik**: Certainly. All right, I guess this episode is resolved. Fucking Finally, I want to say.

**Phoebe**: But the issue of _me_ moving out of the house and finding twue wuv isn't resolved yet!

**Paige**: And **the **issue o**f** droppin**g** the witch **bomb **on **Hen**ry isn't resolved **ei**ther!

**Teshik**: Hmpf. I'll get to it, next episode. Just give me another ten months or so.


End file.
